Earlier this week I had my first only plague related dream. In my dream I had two social things to do with Josh, two kid activities, and Josh was only maybe 9 years old. He was as tall as my breasts. In the dream I suddenly realized that he might have a fever, and struggled with acknowledging the fever or not. If I acknowledged the fever I would be morally required to take him home and quarantine him. If I made it through the activities (which seemed to important to his happiness) I could pretend that I discovered the fever afterwards, or even that it hadn't emerged until afterwards, potentially putting other people in danger but giving my own kid what he needed. I couldn't decide which call to make.
I also knew that if I cared for Josh I was putting myself in harms way, but decided to sacrifice my own health for child Josh because even though I wanted to live I didn't actually care if I died, only that I got him through this crisis.
So, I am thinking that child Josh probably represents something other than actual Josh and I am wondering if he represents, possibly, me at that age. I dunno? I feel like part of my insane stuffing my face with food is somehow connected to my completely insanely dysfunctional childhood and either every emotional backing I never got and my attempts at self soothing. I think the big question for myself is why at the even thought of experiencing any emotion, weak or strong, good or bad, I need to cram some unhealthy food into my face to try to feel better. Well, it does work, I mean, who hasn't numbed out after a pig out? But in the long run it causes more pain (shame for being huge), more worry (health), and poor health (which in turn causes more worry) So, Since I am no longer a child, I would like to officially think and behave like an true well adjusted adult and only eat the foods that truly nourish me instead of the foods which just drug me out.
But as this relates to the dream.... if child Josh is actually me, and I am struggling to decide if I should give myself the true happiness I need while sacrificing others or do the morally/ethically right thing and protect others but disappoint myself. I know I think in a very black and white way, just about all of the time, but I don't know how to get to that place where people believe that taking care of themselves makes them better able to take care of everyone else too. I am completely clueless as to how to change my way of thinking.
Just saying.
I need a shrink.
I saw some full length photos of myself. It wasn't pretty. Neither were the photos.
I said SURE! to a young person who requested to that weird thing where they show up at your house and take your photo outside and at a safe distance for a charity. She took some majorly shitty photos and I am infinitely disappointed. Even if I weighed a healthy weight the photos would have still been sub par. And this chick just got a degree in photography! I was shocked at her awful images and at how THICK every part of me currently is. My belly is a gigantic beach ball. I'm going to use her shitty photos as my before photo.
Time to pretend like I believe I have to put myself first in order to be a better person to the rest of the world. Fake it till you make it, right?
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