It feels like this quarantine might last forever.
I have never felt so unsafe- and this is coming from someone who was molested by her biological father as a child. So that's saying something. Except when it came to my bio molester I was afraid of being hurt not of being killed. Knowing that trump couldn't care less and even conceivably is happy about so many americans dying from this virus is mind blowing for me. That people are still supporting him is mind blowing to me. How did this country get so stupid and so angry? I want to leave. I really do. I want to pack it up, and head somewhere safe. My goodness. Look what we have come to, the indoctrination has been thorough and a good chunk of the population is no longer capable of independent thought.
Never could I have imagined feeling as trapped as I do right now. Trapped with a sick spouse and trapped by a virus. Without the government establishing clear rules to follow we are going to be in this virus hell for such a long freaking time. It makes me want to give up, it really does. Except I am kind of psyched about the work Ive been making in captivity. I feel like this work is so very meaningful for me. I'm not sure someone else wouldn't look at it and think how fabulous it would look in their bathroom, but for me, this work is truly ground breaking. (Ha ha pun intended) I am literally photographing skies. It's everything I railed against for so long, and its the only way I am doing it. (Doing it being: Making images- Taking pictures-Being creative) photographing the sky went from my never and only in extenuating circumstances (and even then only a little negligible slice) to my everything in one swift pandemic. Of course the sky has trees and a bird or two in it, but it's sky, the one thing I could not bring myself to do. I'm just fascinated over my about face.
I shared some work (well received) with my critique group and it went over well. One friend talked about my process and in doing so I realized that in that very instant she was understanding me and what my motivation was more than I understood myself. She coaches people and I already told her I need to hire her to help me get myself out there where I belong. I know I'm making interesting work and that I am hardworking enough to join the ranks, I just have to show the world and she is going to advise me and help me get to that place. But not until June. (boo hoo) I'm living in a world where next week seems like some distant hazy concept, so you can imagine that June, a mere 10 days away feels like another lifetime away. Like seriously, I hope I live until June. You never know!
I am not sure if I gave much thought back in March to how long this was going to last for. It just seemed like something we needed to do immediately for immediate safety and we went into quarantine. I'm sitting here 10 or so weeks later thinking ahead for the first-ish time. How long am I going to have to do this for? Years, you say? Masks, gloves, and face shields for as far as the imagination can travel? Forever? It's a bit harsh. I think knowing (impossible request) when it will be over would make it less intolerable. Also, not seeing freaking insane weapon toting KKK ammosexuals on national television terrorizing lawmakers would be nice. Just saying. If ever someone wanted to mow a crowd down.... that would be an awesome way to follow through, don't ya think? Why go to a school or church when you can mow down full grown locked and loaded folks. Is there even a challenge if the victims are defenseless? I think not. Real men plan your killing sprees accordingly. I say anyone planning a mass shooting has a great opportunity to man up here. Just saying. I'm going to sit outside and work on my tan.
Maybe, I'll decide that 10 weeks of binging needs to be followed by an equal or greater amount of time of health conscious eating. It would be nice to emerge from this in better shape than when it began. I don't know any other way to stuff my emotions back inside though. Must work on that too.
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