I am really not doing well. I am so filled with resentment I just don't know what to do. Without my daily walks in the woods to clear my mind and ground my spirit I am just overflowing with all sorts of disgusting feelings that I don't know how to get rid of.
The biggest feelings is resentment. I resent taking care of someone who won't admit he needs to be taken care of. I'm flashing back to that phone call where the husband pretended that living his disabled life was like a vacation every day. I suppose I'd think life was a vacation if I was served food where I sat and all of my needs were catered to. But still..... I have this river of resentment and anger running through me that I don't want and I don't know how to get rid of.
Also, I was so peaceful those few days the husband was in the hospital that it was actually ridiculous. It was actually mind blowing how relaxed I felt. I am thinking more and more that the place where he is going to end up is a nursing home and I just don't even know how that is going to go down, I mean, he isn't going to want to go that way, or cooperate about going that way, and I don't know if I can force him. I guess I will have to call a lawyer, but I'm too cheap and too mistrusting to seek help.
Mistrusting, you say? Why, yes. I am mistrusting. The story of my life goes like this..I say something, the person I am talking to tells me
a. it isn't so
b. it shouldn't be so or
c. I need to change the unchangeable.
For example, I say to a friend "I'm not doing well, you know mentally." The friend will either respond with
a. You're doing better than you think.
b. You look like you're doing great from my perspective. You're a freaking super hero. or
c. Just make a plan and do something that will make you all better. (In regards to the husband the plan is always "Can you hire someone to do the thing you're doing?" NO!!! A thousand times NO. People do not understand the NO. I don't want someone in my house on a regular day (when they weren't creepily ignoring her, they fucking stole from my 95 year old grandmother!) and I'm not letting anyone in here during a fucking pandemic. I've already wondered if we can make through the summer once the AC breaks because that is my kind of luck.)
I just want to be freaking heard and freaking validated. And maybe a hug. I think if I actually got a real hug right now I'd turn into a puddle on the floor. Thats how bad I feel. Thats how desperately I need to change my circumstance.
Yes, this life has been unfair to you since the day you were born it's been curve ball after curve ball. You deserve a break. I understand why you feel that way and why it feels like it'll never be over. And the biggest thing I want from this world is someone who will just jump right on my bandwagon and detest the people who are not doing right by me.
There was a story on TV this morning about celebrity couples who had been married forever, and it just freaking ripped my heart out. Those long married people seemed so happy and they're in these mutually fulfilling relationships. I wouldn't recognize one if it screamed I'm a mutually fulfilling relationship in my face. Can I ever have a relationship where it goes both ways? I wonder. I just want to know if its just me being broken from a bad childhood or if its written in stone somewhere or if this is something that I could have control over if only I knew how to change it.
I've been photographing birds in the backyard for a few weeks. It felt great, I got some awesome results, but at the end of the day I am ready to move on and I can't. I can't just grab my camera and go somewhere else. I'm stuck here. With a demented husband and a less than grateful teenager who literally chooses to see the dark side of everything. Maybe he gets it from me. Maybe I just come from a long like of fucked up people so I can help being fucked up. Maybe it doesnt matter if you've been molested and neglected and completely unloved. maybe this is just my programming. Maybe despite the fact that I showed my kids through my actions and my words that they were wanted and loved and I protected my kids as best I could from their father, who I almost divorced for being such a neglectful father, but stayed with because I didn't want him having unsupervised access to my kids. He used to say the weirdest shit to them. Things you would say if you were trying to mess someone up and create the person I feel like right now, so I stayed with him because I wanted to be right there to say "Your Dad is wrong."
So many regrets. So hard to see a bright future. I don't want to die from this virus and I think we are in for years of virus ups and downs. So maybe my next spot to land will be somewhere isolated so I can hide. I hate not being able to plan. I'd like to be able to draw a map and follow it.
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