I'm just so cranky today. Really really cranky. The kind of cranky that doesn't want to accept any attempt at squashing the cranky. If by some magic there was a person in this room who actually cared enough about me to put their hand on my shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort and sympathy I'd probably swat it away while simultaneously reacting as if I had been touched by scalding water.
I am starting to desperately feel the need for some freedom. Like, I want to get in the car and drive as far away as I can drive. I live this crazy life of wanting to run away almost all of the time and never acting on it. I'm thinking about Kramer VS Kramer. I want to Meryl Streep out of here and come back when I have found myself again. Or maybe not, since I won't be returning to an adorable kid, I'd be returning to an aged decrepit emotionally distant (at best) husband and children who don't appreciate me or believe that I am of any value, so what the fuck? Why stay? Oh yeah, because it's a pandemic and there isn't anywhere safe to go. As if I'd actually leave!
I don't know where I got this over the top burdensome sense of responsibility from. I hope I don't get it in my next life. I hereby officially put in a request to return to this earth as a completely unburdened fun loving light as day fun person who knows how to put their own needs on top of the priority list. Also, don't give me a bad back and sore knees the next time around. These things totally suck.
I don't know for how much longer I'll be able to continue with my current photo project of photographing birds on tree limbs. Most of the trees have leafed out and I can't even see the birds when they're behind curtains of leaves. It makes me sad. I might try to do something with that, maybe partially obscured birds showing but I don't know. I hate the color of summer- that medium yellow green. Bleh. I'd be so tempted to go black and white with it, but no one wants to see black and white. I dunno. It makes me sad because I wasn't ready for this change. It's how I feel every winter when it snows and the last thing I want to ever photograph is the snow. B O R I N G. Only now I am confined mostly, to the backyard, unless I do go out to the new place with sweet pea and spend time there with my camera. I might. Just to see what there is to see. There is one rocky cliff wall there. I'd like to be able to investigate it in theory, but in reality the area in front of the wall is rough and I don't feel having an adventure. I'm getting to the point where I fantasize about the paths in the woods being paved, so me climbing around on rocks to see a wall with my gear in my hand doesn't sound like a likely situation.
I'm just so tired all of the time and every day and all day. I am so emotionally spent that I am physically spent. Its a very strange way to feel when I know I've done nothing all day- but I am dragging myself around like I have been filled with wet sand.
Places are starting to open up and in my opinion it is all premature and even if places aren't actually opening up people don't know how to actually distance themselves. It feels like I'm the only one doing nothing and seeing no one and all these other people who aren't being isolated are fucking it all up for me because now this will drag on and on and on. I don't even know how long it's been but I think we are half way through with week 10. I'd have to look at a calendar to be sure though. All I can tell you for sure is when we started. March 13th- the day I brought Josh back from school.
The husband chokes a lot and it comes in waves. Today he's been choking off and on all day. It's almost like background noise and I do feel a bit lame for not being more concerned but like I said, choking on and off all freaking day long. One of these days he just might end up with aspiration pneumonia. That is what happens to a lot of people with brain damage where he has brain damage. He has been enrolled into a brain study- where scientists will take his brain after his demise and tell us what it is that has done this to him. I am afraid that the study might not be able to accept samples during this pandemic so I really don't want him to choke to death until I know they can solve this mystery for us. I just don't want this to end up being something he could pass down to the kids. Thats all I want to know. I think, personally, he has poisoned himself with diet coke (aspartame). I believe it so hard that I would never even befriend someone if I thought they had the same addiction. It's nasty. I have diet coke PTSD. It was on sale the last time I went shopping and I got him 30- 2 liter bottles. I think he has about a week left on those. He drinks at least one a day. Gross.
We got a lawn mower and I can't figure out how to operate it. Tomorrow I will call the guy at the store for help. It's almost more than I can take- I just wanted to be able to turn it on and drive it like a car. I'm so disappointed that it isn't simple. I need everything to be simple right now. Very simple.
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