I'm trying to figure out how I can take sweet pea to the dog park and be safe. The problem is that I don't trust people have been as cautious as I have been and I really do not want to know if I would survive this pandemic. I want to emerge from this insanity as one of the few who never got infected. You know? One of my park friends has been asking, and I think I might meet him tomorrow. Sweet pea really needs to go back to her old stomping grounds. She just seems so sad lately. I mean, I am guessing I do too, so maybe it's just a reflection of how miserable I am trying not to be, but in the end, I can't wait forever to start hiking- we both really need some outdoors time. I am actually quite afraid that I've gone so soft from all this couch time that I will be in bad shape. I joked about needing physical therapy when this is over, but it was only half joking.
I am thinking that if my walking partner and I stick to the trails that are least travelled we won't bump into too many other people. I have to think long hard about the risk of going versus the risk of sitting on my rear end for more time. My heart is pounding just thinking about leaving the house. My doctor thinks I should take some anti anxiety medication. I feel like that's a rabbit hole I don't want to go down, like ever, but somehow especially not in a crisis. I am so medicine adverse. One upside to conquering my fear of the outside world would be having more subject matter to photograph. I'd really like to photograph something other than the bird I can't hardly see anymore due to leaves filling out on all the trees.
Also, it disgusts me to admit this , but one of the boys I was not fond of from my grad school days posted an interview he did with someone who asked him how he knew he was done with a series and he said when he started to take the same photos again and again and I think I might be there. Even though, I think there is something to say about the process of seeing and being present with the repetitive photos, I am pretty much at that point. And that point frustrates me.
I hear there is a big market for foot porn and I would be completely good with secretly photographing people's feet for foot porn. It's a weird wild world out there and I am ready to capitalize on it. I should probably do some other research and see what other kind of photo smut is profitable. I am open for anything that doesn't involve me taking off my own clothes or violating another person in that way. (Foot photos are not a violation! Don't even think like that!!)
OK. So, Now I have a completely unrelated confession to make. It's one of my stepford friend's birthday coming up and the other friends want to make a big deal out of it because it's her 60th. I am so bummed it is killing me not to be the biggest buzz kill ever. I want to scream Do you have any idea how miserable I am!?!?!? DO you have any idea what a victory it is for me to even get out of bed every day!?!?!?! They bounced around the idea of a social distanced party in her yard. What??? They've decided on a formal dress zoom call. I'm supposed to have cocktails and party food on my own end for myself. What?? I'm not freaking getting dressed up. They're lucky if I put a bra on!! And then on top of everything, they decided to get her a tree or something and want us each to pitch in $50. What?!?!?! My husband hasn't had a fucking job in almost 5 years! Every pair of pants I own is threadbare on the inner thighs.
Also, not to be a big cry baby or anything, but these women have hurt my feelings consistently for the longest time. No one worries about my birthday- I share it with another friend and her son tragically died the day before our shared birthday so I GET THAT but they could reach out to me privately. They don't. And also, they have made exactly ONE effort to meet me half way since I moved to new town and that was almost 9 years ago. One time in 9 years they came half way to me. Every other time I've seen them I've gone back to stepford. I am not feeling any love from them. But they are all so caught up in their own lives no one would even imagine I'm sitting here feeling as bad I do. Mostly because no one freaking asks me. They get together without inviting me. I hear about it afterwards. Now, chances are excellent I wouldn't be able to show up, but an invitation would be nice. I don't get one. I don't expect them to work around my schedule or anything ridiculous like that, I would just like someone to pick up the phone and say "Hey, are you free a week from Tuesday? We want to do something." That would literally be enough. I'd say NO but at least I'd get the invitation. I get bubkas. Story of my life, right? They seem to have no memory that for the first 5 years I was the glue that held this group together. The husbands thought of me as the ring leader. But, do I say anything? Of course not. I rant into the void, to a blog that no one reads. Maybe one day, long after I've gone someone will mine through this and ask "Did you read the story about that woman's blog? She blogged for 20/25/30 years even though no one ever read it. Her kids discovered it after she died when they were going through her credit card charges because she paid for it all those years. Crazy, right?" Yeah, crazy.
Comments