clickmom

honesty

It's really really hard being married to my husband and one of the the biggest reasons behind that is that he never ever thinks about anyone besides himself. I recall times when I asked him to go out on a Sunday morning and buy a dozen fresh bagels. He would bring the bagels back, prepare one for himself and then plop down on the couch without ever asking the children if they wanted one. This is when the kids were small enough that cutting their own bagel wasn't an option. I can remember so clearly standing there trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with a person who would feed himself without considering his own flesh and blood children. 

You know, if you know me at all, that I'm pretty freaked out from him having been in the hospital. But since freaking out doesn't solve anything or help anyone I've been mostly trying to keep it inside. You know, in the same place where I buried my self respect in order to stay married to a man who cares about no one other than himself. Anyway, I had decided that if the husband made it through Saturday without symptoms I would breathe a sigh of relief. I know that they think this virus could have a 14 day incubation period but really, when people know for sure where they've been infected it's almost always 3-4 days later. Also, I can't physically worry as much as I have been worried for two whole weeks. I'm trying not to die of some stress related illness over here. 

Anyways, I've been trying to keep my distance from him, but he keeps seeking me out, going as far as coming into the dining room where I've got my computer and sitting down while I am clearly doing something else (photo editing) and trying to strike up a conversation. I know he's lonely. He has no friends. I am literally the only person who engages with him. But I need space right now, for the reason of he is possibly infected and also because he did something to really betray me.

I wasn't going to mention it here, but what the hell. He has been logging onto a fake account he made on a dating website and looking at single women.  I know.  Interesting behavior by a man who is completely homebound and disabled.  He said it didn't count because he is only looking. I am not going to argue with him. Maybe it's him, maybe it's the brain disease. I don't even care. It crossed a line for me and I am not going to forgive it.

So, anyway, I'm sitting around doing the "right" thing here, taking care of him, basically being his maid and cook, (with zero appreciation or recognition) and tonight I made a very nice dinner that he-who-might-be-infected really liked.  When he finished his plate of food he staggered to the kitchen, used the fork he had just eaten his meal with, and shoveled himself a couple of mouthfuls of food from the pot of food.  Did I mention I always make extra dinner because I will eat it for lunch tomorrow? Yeah. I was hoping for a heaping plate of covid for lunch tomorrow, NOT. When I questioned him he scowled at me as if I was hysterical over nothing. Then, as if his disdain wasn't adding insult to injury enough, Josh chimed in and agreed with his father, telling me that if he brought it home from the hospital I already caught it from him. They ganged up on me. 

I am filled with hate and rage right now. I can't even be in the same room as him. If I could leave I would hop into the car and leave. I really don't know how much more of being diminished I can take. I'd like to know if I married a monster or if he became this horrible person along the way. I don't even know any more. Was it always there? Maybe just a seed that grew and grew? or is his atrophying brain to blame? I know he is a broken person. But what am I? I'm living in a world where I don't have options right now. I am not free to leave. I am not able to relocate him. I hate my life. I'm tired of waiting for the ax to fall. It's all too hard right now.

 

Texts I sent today

I just got off the phone with The husband’s Dr of the day. They are springing him because “there is nothing they can do for him”. They will call me sometime this afternoon and then I will drive by the hospital and they will insert him into my car and I get to bring him back to the house. I told the doctor that he did not have COVID-19 when I dropped him off and could he reassure me that he would not have COVID-19 when I picked him up. The doctor seemed pretty confident that they were not infecting patients at the hospital

I will admit to you because you guys are my friends that it was very relaxing around here the last four days and I absolutely needed it, appreciate it, and enjoyed it

I actually asked the nurse just now when she called to tell me to pick the husband up at 2:30 if they are recommending that the patients be quarantined when they get out of the hospital and she said “is there anyone sick in your house? “And I said NO and then she told me that The husband tested negative. I told her that He tested negative coming from MY house and I knew he was negative but now he’s coming from HER house and I don’t trust her house. But she seemed to think that it was not an issue and said that the nurses are not even quarantining themselves

There is zero chance that the husband would cooperate in a quarantine from me and Josh. There is zero chance that he would wear a mask. I just have to take my chances here. There is no fight to have because inevitably I am going to end up picking him up off the floor in the next day or two anyway

Four days did wonders for me. I completely forgot how my husband chews with his mouth open like a cow. And also how the sound of my husband chewing like a cow makes me want to stab my ears

According to my children replying with just K means you're angry. Also, you're not supposed to use punctuation. If I don't show up (to the zoom cocktail party) please remind me. Brain not functioning well these days.

I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’m not that worried. However this turns out I’ve made peace with. Also, Linda said she would take Sweet pea if COVID gets me. 😉

i had so many plans

Oh my god. So much since the last post. On the day of the last post the husband fell twice- once at 6 in the evening right out the back door and again around 9 just walking down the hall to use the bathroom. He fell again in the wee hours of the morning- actually falling off the toilet right in the middle of doing his business. I don’t even know how such a thing would happen. Then the next day he fell again, we helped him up, he staggered to the bathroom, fell again in the bathroom, and then while showering off he said he thought he needed to go to the hospital. 

My heart sank. I couldn’t say NO, but it’s the middle of a pandemic. Doom settled over me like a cloud. So I had to call Evan to help get his father to the car (I knew he’d need two kids to get him out of the house) and I drove the husband to the ER. 

I was prepared to at least register him (and explain his physical and mental
condition to someone who would note it on his chart) but as we pulled up there were signs that said DROP OFF ONLY. Two young guys (typically the valets) got a wheelchair and helped him in. I just drove away choking back the tears. I was not prepared for that. It felt like I was abandoning him. Tough feeling to go to from my usual level of over the top feeling of responsibility. 

Long story short this is the husband’s fourth night in the hospital. They didn’t really investigate his heart, which was disappointing to say the least. I mean, when someone has minimal heart function you’d want to know if it slipped a little. But since nothing indicated a big heart attack they didn’t do an echocardiogram. They can’t find a specific reason for his inability to walk other than worsening of what he already has. 

Tomorrow PT will show up and see if he can walk and if he looks safe to leave they’ll send him packing. I don’t think he’ll be able to walk. I mean, now he’s been sitting in bed for 4 days. It’s not gonna happen. But he will have to come back to the house. Even if I could put him in a nursing home (he wouldn’t stand for it- no pun intended) I can’t do it right now when nursing homes are all infected. 

And I’m also worried that he’s been infected in the hospital. There isn’t a chance he’d be responsible coming back here.  He wouldn’t quarantine himself. I have to bring a potential time bomb into my home? I’m really upset. I had so many plans.

high anXIety

So, I started to video the animals in the backyard at night. Or more accurately I should say "the reflection of animal eyes in my flashlight beam" in the yard at night. But I narrated during the video, which made me even more aware of how breathless I was in the backyard. I wondered if being pretty much completely inactive for a month could make me out of breath walking around the relatively level backyard and I had my doubts. I mean, I walk up the stairs in my house and I'm not doubled over winded at the top. It occurred to me that I'm having mild panic attacks going into the backyard- only they're less noticeable because I'm not wearing a face shield, like I am when I venture into pandemic central aka: the grocery store.

Yesterday I dragged the"step" piece of exercise equipment from where I had stationed it in the backyard (too many and by that I mean a never ending list excuses for not exercising outdoors) to in front of the television in the "family room", telling myself I'd hop on there every day before the husband woke up and then having an even better plan of doing my little step routine during the first half of The View each morning. What better way to fuel the power of a routine cardio workout than with my hatred for Megs Mc"my father"Cain?  Right?? So, I did my little step jig for 20 minutes, not bad for the first time in 3 weeks. And in case you're wondering the second set of commercials begins at the 20 minute mark, or at least it did yesterday. I worked up a wee sweat, I was comfortably out of breathe- which feels much different than anxiety out of breathe-and most happily, no one saw me because Josh pretty much hides out in his room and the husband doesn't get out of bed before noon, the earliest, usually. Point here is that I am not currently suffering from sort of severe debilitating heart related weakness due to inactivity. Finishing up with my workout, I realized the whole breathless while outdoors thing is all coming from in my head. Which was validated later on in the afternoon.

I just wasn't getting close enough to the birds despite using a fairly long lens, so I dug out an extender that I used to use while shooting sports like football. I stood at the kitchen table because it is where I leave my camera between outings, since I exit through the kitchen door. I stood there for a minute, taking the lens off my camera, adding the extender and rubbing everything down with the lens cloth when I realized my heart was frantically pounding. Just standing next to the back door knowing I'd be leaving the safety of the house was enough to jump start the entire process for me. This is big. I don't know how I'm going to get over it since it looks like we are in this situation for possibly years. Maybe the only thing I can do is to purposely infect myself and see if I live through it so I can feel safe (or just less threatened) the other side. I'm half joking and half serious. I have extreme concerns because obesity is not working in my favor here. Pretty much the only thing obesity does in my favor is to make me invisible, which works for me most of the time, but in the case of a pandemic it would be nice to be able to shut it off. I'm tempted to buy a big plastic jar of protein powder and do a month long no food cleanse.  Except that would only be a drop in the bucket. 

Anyway, fast forward to this morning, I hear the husband's distinctive erratic stiff legged, can't feel his feet, trying not to fall down, stomp/shuffle coming down the hall at 8:45. Not a total surprise since he went to bed at 4 yesterday afternoon. I guess day two of the step routine will either take place during the husband's almost inevitable 5 hour afternoon nap today or maybe not until tomorrow.  FML. 

Friday will be 3 weeks since my last grocery dash. I'll be going out again. We need fresh fruits and vegetables. Also, there are prescriptions I need to get for the husband and he might be running out of diet coke soonish and he would consider it to be a disaster if he couldn't maintain his current level of aspartame toxicity. Have you ever seen someone panic because they ran out of diet coke? And then drive around town at midnight with the coin jar in their car, in search of an outdoor vending machine?  Gotta have the next hit when the moment is right. I can't believe that part of the reason why I'm going to risk my life on Friday is for diet coke. My next husband will not be a soda drinker. Who am I kidding? I'll never marry again. Once was enough, thanks very much. 

 

safe

This is post number 2992.  Wow, I've been doing this a long time,

So, today marks 5 weeks of being on lockdown. I feel the worst for sweet pea. She is definitely sad. One day, I don't even know when anymore, maybe 2 days ago, maybe yesterday, while outside with her, I aimed my camera her way and called her. When she looked up I snapped a couple of photos.  When I put them on the computer I was shocked to see the expression on her face. Guys, she looked SAD. I know she misses her friends, and being walked. I really want her to get what she wants but I'm so freaking afraid of just being out of the the house, let alone being near someone. I don't know how to ask friends to walk 10 feet behind me. You know?

I'm thinking about when this whole nightmare starts to wane and I won't be able to go outside still because of THE FEAR.  I know my fear is over the top but at the same time I believe my fear is keeping me protected. So, I am simultaneously concerned over my disabling level of the fear but also embracing the fear because I believe the fear is keeping me safe. I'm going to need therapy. 

Today I woke up angry. It was cloudy and gray and dark and I wanted sunny. I'm actually getting really into photographing the birds and am full of ideas. We have a lot of sparrows and at first I was thinking how boring sparrows are but then I realized that especially in this pandemic time photographing the same bird over and over has an aspect of reliability and comfort to it. That being said today I saw a red-bellied woodpecker for the first time. There are a lot of robins and mourning doves. But not an astounding amount of color and shape variety. While part of me wishes to see birds in crazy colors and shapes the other part of me knows that seeing the same kind of boring typical birds over and over is a much safer emotional space to be, especially right now. 

That being said, I've seen three different types of woodpeckers and now I can identify three different types of woodpeckers. 

hands up

Somewhere I breezed past an article which had a headline that momentarily caught my eye. It said something about the stress of the pressure to be productive during this lock down. You might call it shelter in place, or stay inside, but I'm going to call it what it should called which is LOCK DOWN. 

Now we pause for a moment of truth rant from our writer: I've got this growing pit of seething anger towards all the people who are minimizing the risk of this pandemic and not fully avoiding social situations. Like when someone shrugs and says "I can't just stop living."  Um. Bitch. Starbucks is your life? Or the people who say "Oh! I've been in the house forever. I only leave for my daily walks and go to the market every few days." FUCK YOU. I've been out of the house once in the last 4 weeks- for medicine and groceries, which I combined into a single trip so I could then accurately count the days until I knew for sure if I had escaped from infection. Really. Once, it'll be two weeks tomorrow which means it's been 13 days since that outing so it looks like I did not catch anything out there. Phew. And guess what would have happened if everyone who could have done what I am doing had done it? The infection rate would be down to virtually nothing. Except it isn't because stupid idiot fuckers like you. For my whole freaking life I've been the kid who got punished because the whole class got punished for something one kid did and now nothing has changed. I wish we had REAL leadership. Living though this is just awful. Every waking moment I am keenly aware of living in a country where regular people like me are less valued every passing moment. And now, people like me, who are willing to drop everything and hide are literally being punished by the rest of the people who won't fucking stop doing normal every day shit because they ..... I don't know why. Maybe they're incapable of understanding the risk. Maybe they've allowed themselves to be manipulated by conservative media into thinking that there isn't really a risk? Don't get me started on the indoctrinated. Maybe they are so immature that they can not comprehend that the risk extends to them, or someone they love? I don't know but it is pissing me off. And it is even pissing me off more that government doesn't step in and force us to come to a screeching halt so we can end this nightmare. 

I'm done. I have to be done. I have to be done because I could go on  f o r e v e r  like that.  Its so frustrating. 

I can't recall what I was dreaming last night but I do remember that it was a very routine part of my life dream. I think I may have been preparing some tea for myself, which I do every day. Every day I boil water and make a tea for now and a tea for later in a thermos mug. The thing about my dream was the ordinariness of it. Even in my dream I recognized that I was performing the task with no emotion or drama, not that there is ever drama around tea production, but maybe when I am making tea I am preoccupied with everything else which is happening right now. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. The takeaway from that dream was definitely the soothing comfort of being in a routine.

I thought today that maybe I should make more of a routine for myself.  But then I realized I don't actually want a routine because any routine I would have right now wouldn't be about me, it would involve me taking care of everyone els,e which is exactly the thing I am so ready to move away from in my real life. 

I am just overflowing with resentment about making dinner every night. It's because there is so much meat involved and I don't like meat and I don't want to cook meat or eat meat or see, smell, or touch meat. And  every night I cook up some meat and force it down because its like everything to the 2 men I am a kitchen wench to these days and I put their desires before my own. sigh. 

I'd like to photograph all day even if I am only photographing in my own backyard but I saw the traffic directors out there this morning and knew that the testing was going on just beyond our yard and started to have a panic attack because in my head it is absolutely conceivable that the virus can travel thousands of yards on a breeze and I was afraid to breathe knowing possibly infected folks were driving down the street which runs the length of the front of our property just to turn and drive past my side yard. 

If I found out people could volunteer to be put to sleep until this was over I'm pretty sure I'd be the first to raise my hand.

how it goes

I've been carrying my camera outside with me when I go into the backyard with sweet pea. Literally, just having it in my hand makes me feel like I am myself again. I feel less lost in the static of nothingness that surrounds me in this lock down. The problem is that nothing in the yard is really inspiring. I have such a hang up with the yard. It's like walking through someplace with a bad history. I am quite sure this property has a bad history. It has a bad vibe. I look at the same few trees and the light isn't inspiring me, and the lay of the land isn't inspiring me. I feel empty when I go out there and start looking. 

But I have slowed down so much that I really paid attention to the bird calls and I tried for probably the first time to really single out the bird songs and really see the birds and now I have a collection of photos of birds and trees.  It isn't your typical bird photo, I'm doing more of an abstract tree limb photo with little bird surprises in it. There is a thrill to snapping a photo and wondering if I captured what I think I captured and I am very grateful to be having that back in my routine.

I've also been on the lookout for interesting skies. When I walk out the side door I face these old dying oak trees. I know their branches and the way they touch the sky and sometimes nature puts a nice light show on behind them and now I have my camera next to the door so I can grab it every time I walk out the door. 

I've been thinking for years that I should look up when shooting. I never look up and suddenly it is the only way I am able to capture something. Interesting.  I'm sure that must be symbolic of something. I'll have to roll it around in my mind a bit more and figure out what it means to me. I photographed this month's full moon. Ive never spent the 2 minutes to google the camera settings to shoot the moon before now. I don't know why it seemed so important, but it did. I think because it was happening with or without my participation and by recording it I have made my mark on that moment in time. I've declared myself. Time stamped me. I surely existed in that moment when the full moon rose and I made an image of it. And not only did I exist, but I also didn't take it for granted, I was on the ground, eyes in the air participating. 

Yeah, I'm understanding that in this black hole of TV viewing and phone swiping I need to declare myself present in a more concrete way. And making photos is how I am ogling to do that. I'm going to think about being present more. Less vodka, more engaging. 

My friend from grad school, we'll call her Bird, gets emails from one of our school advisors (she had to donate some money to him to get it and since he was basically a jerk to me, I didn't donate and don't get the emails directly from him) and she shared one with me recently in which he expressed an opinion that making work around this pandemic was somehow trite. This is despite everything they told us in two years of schooling being built upon the basis of all of our work required to be personal and intimate.  I found this level of abject hypocrisy to be quite motivating. Now we know that I am motivated as much by spite as I am by positive reinforcement. Not only did his confusing dismissal of pandemic inspired work motivate me to make more work, but it also motivated me to do something else traditionally frowned upon by my graduate program. I've been going all out with writing to accompany my work. I've indulged in some serious diary type note making. It's decadent, self serving, and it makes me feel better.  This is something I really want to do a solid job at, like maybe even more than anything else I've done. But it has to be everything he says he doesn't like. (guess who would win a grudge holding contest?) I've been pretty content to keep all my years hard work under wraps "until the right moment" but I feel different about this work. I want to make this work and hone it and get it as good as it gets and put it out there in the world. Let's see how it goes. 

 

thinking it over

It's the first day of the 5th week of virtual lockdown.  I say virtual because without a legitimate government no one has enforced this, I'm doing it (and forcing it on the husband and Josh) on my own due to fear of suffering and then dying. You know, basic stuff. 

It's been 8 days since my last grocery store run and I'm feeling like I definitely did not get myself infected.  Whew!! I guess those panic attacks were for naught. 

Now Ive got to see how long I can go before needing to refresh that supply again. Hopefully at least 2 more weeks.  Its the fresh veggies that call to me. Also, I think I prefer to see the fridge packed.  It's comforting.

Anyways, I've been stepping outside into my own backyard with my camera, which is great. I mean, even if I don't take a single image, just having it in my hand does something for me. I think that might be called purpose.  All I know is that it changes everything in a solid good way. 

One of the more challenging aspects of lockdown for me has been maintaining a normal schedule. Without my daily walks (or more recent exercise trips to the Y) it's tough to get that "go to bed" signal at the end of the day. So I just get sucked into the television and end up staying awake way later than I normally would. I try to get to sleep by 1. I get firm with myself around 12:30. But that means I'm sleeping until 8 or even 8:30 and that just blows my mind. It's like sleeping half the day away. Morning is my productive time! Though I hardly doubt you could call more than a few hours out of the last month productive.

I wonder a lot about how I will feel and think once we can kind of get back to normal. I know I am feeling like it has been silly to put so much of my life on hold the past few years. (Which has been gradually been increasing until I was feeling quite intensely suffocated with the responsibility of the husband since last summer) One thing for sure I am going to do once this hell pandemic is over is buy new underwear. I was expecting them to just drop into my lap or something but at the end of the day I totally deserve new underwear.  Some of what I'm wearing I bought right before I started grad school in 2013. It looks like 7 year old underwear.  It's so thread bare that I've put my finger through some. What the heck me? We aren't that desperately poor! 

One of the first things I will need to do is get my myself to a chiropractor. I won't need to drive all of the way back to step ford because this is a neck issue, I can go to the new town woman. She is good with necks. Also, I like her because after 3 visits I am always right where I want to be. She is effective. Right now the deal is my neck. It's so bad Ive had a headache for weeks (more than 2) and my right arm is sometimes going numb. I know what you're thinking. It's not a stroke. I can speak clearly, think clearly, stick my tongue out straight etc.....  I checked.  It's some kind of strange neck and inflammation combo.  I've been eating milk products so a couple of days off of them and the inflammation should start heading south. I'm starting now. No more dairy. I owe myself an apology. I wish I was on lock down with people who had the same restrictions as I do. It is my dream to have a completely safe home where there isn't any allergic to food I can indulge in. 

So, it's Saturday and that means nothing special other than the regular daytime shows which bore me will be replaced by some other dreadful day time shows that are guaranteed to bore me. Maybe I should edit and print out a photo book just for giggles. Hmmmm.  I'm thinking this one over.

 

Holy

One way that this pandemic has affected me is I find myself thinking of all the things I’m going to do when it’s over because I’ve just been dragging making decisions. One stupid example of something that I’ve been putting off is the purchase of new shirts. My stupid car which I hate with a passion not quite as much as the passion with which I hate the want to be dictator right now but still hate nonetheless makes holes in my shirts where the seatbelt rubs across my stomach. This never happened to me in the GMC or the Ford or the Volkswagen that I own, but it happens in the stupid Toyota. Between that and the car that makes the most annoying sounds in the world I will never own another Toyota again.

So anyway my car is six years old which means for about 5 1/2 years I have been walking around with shirts that have holes rubbed into them and I don’t really want to buy new shirts because they’ll get ruined so I just end up wearing these holy shirts. I’m going to throw them away as soon as I get out of this house and replace them. What am I waiting for?

Other things to do as soon as I get house include a haircut and buying a lawn mower.

I wish I could say I’m moving too but I’m gonna stick this out and monitor the situation. (aka: the husband’s health ) There are too many medical professionals involved to move now.

Sent from my iPhone

else

It's the morning of the third day after my terrifying shopping excursion.

I lied to you, my internet audience, by omission. What I omitted is that when I got back to the house from the store I felt the urge to claw at my own chest and when I went to the bathroom to remove my shirt and have a look I saw that had a small smattering of stress hives. Oh dear lord. I had managed to really scratch one bump in particular and the fire inside of that hive is not going down without a fight. Benadryl cream is useless against the burn of a stress hive. The other few hives have died down mostly but this one hive right under my right collar bone.... I could go at it with sharp metal instruments it is so freaking noisy right there.You know how it is have something that isn't right.  Its like being right next to someone else's kid saying mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy while the mommy ignores the kid and you just want to leap up, bash the mom in the head and ask the kid what it needs. It's that level annoying.

Since I left the house I have only taken my temperature twice, (normal) but in my head I have reviewed and refined my "what to do if I get IT" plans about 15 times. I am the only one in this family who is truly taking things as seriously as can be. And that annoys the shit out of me. Though we were all in the family room when the news caster was saying how everyone needs to stay inside and bring the rate of transmission down with dire warnings and I turned to Josh and told him that he and Evan need to apologize to me for their reactions of a few weeks ago when I first said we ere going on lockdown. (Both told me I was completely over the top) and Josh did say those 3 little words every woman needs to hear. You were right.  Of course I was. I'm always right. They just haven't realized it yet. 

I thought about doing the same with Evan, but the truth is he isn't getting himself freaked out by listening to and reading the news all day long like I am so I didn't bother with him yet. He was born with the bad ass attitude of feeling invincible. I pray it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass. I know that he and the girlfriend and her mother are not taking the level of precautions they need to be taking. This is huge. I have to not be in control here and it is driving me a bit nutty. I mean, its literally a life or death situation. I'm also worried that the kids are going to end up infecting the mother (she's in her 60's) and killing her. I don't think they're able to think that far ahead. 

I had a brief text exchange with Matt last night. I initiated it. Of course. Everything he says is as neutral as can be. He does not express concern about any of us. And there is always a bullshit delay in responding to me. Thanks for the knife kid, why don't you twist it a little when you plunge it into my heart? Might be more effective with the twist. I wonder if he'll ever own how hurtful he's been. I am so heartbroken. I am just broken.  Matt has broken me. 

I do sit around and wonder what it would be like to be completely alone during this lockdown. No people, no dog. I think I would prefer that. It feels so much safer. And easier. I've felt so responsible for everything and everyone around me for 55 years now.  I don't want to feel responsible anymore. 

Also, I have to get out of this town. I am not happy here. I don't even want to try being happy here because I hate the house so much. I want to be happy somewhere else .