Somewhere I breezed past an article which had a headline that momentarily caught my eye. It said something about the stress of the pressure to be productive during this lock down. You might call it shelter in place, or stay inside, but I'm going to call it what it should called which is LOCK DOWN.
Now we pause for a moment of truth rant from our writer: I've got this growing pit of seething anger towards all the people who are minimizing the risk of this pandemic and not fully avoiding social situations. Like when someone shrugs and says "I can't just stop living." Um. Bitch. Starbucks is your life? Or the people who say "Oh! I've been in the house forever. I only leave for my daily walks and go to the market every few days." FUCK YOU. I've been out of the house once in the last 4 weeks- for medicine and groceries, which I combined into a single trip so I could then accurately count the days until I knew for sure if I had escaped from infection. Really. Once, it'll be two weeks tomorrow which means it's been 13 days since that outing so it looks like I did not catch anything out there. Phew. And guess what would have happened if everyone who could have done what I am doing had done it? The infection rate would be down to virtually nothing. Except it isn't because stupid idiot fuckers like you. For my whole freaking life I've been the kid who got punished because the whole class got punished for something one kid did and now nothing has changed. I wish we had REAL leadership. Living though this is just awful. Every waking moment I am keenly aware of living in a country where regular people like me are less valued every passing moment. And now, people like me, who are willing to drop everything and hide are literally being punished by the rest of the people who won't fucking stop doing normal every day shit because they ..... I don't know why. Maybe they're incapable of understanding the risk. Maybe they've allowed themselves to be manipulated by conservative media into thinking that there isn't really a risk? Don't get me started on the indoctrinated. Maybe they are so immature that they can not comprehend that the risk extends to them, or someone they love? I don't know but it is pissing me off. And it is even pissing me off more that government doesn't step in and force us to come to a screeching halt so we can end this nightmare.
I'm done. I have to be done. I have to be done because I could go on f o r e v e r like that. Its so frustrating.
I can't recall what I was dreaming last night but I do remember that it was a very routine part of my life dream. I think I may have been preparing some tea for myself, which I do every day. Every day I boil water and make a tea for now and a tea for later in a thermos mug. The thing about my dream was the ordinariness of it. Even in my dream I recognized that I was performing the task with no emotion or drama, not that there is ever drama around tea production, but maybe when I am making tea I am preoccupied with everything else which is happening right now. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. The takeaway from that dream was definitely the soothing comfort of being in a routine.
I thought today that maybe I should make more of a routine for myself. But then I realized I don't actually want a routine because any routine I would have right now wouldn't be about me, it would involve me taking care of everyone els,e which is exactly the thing I am so ready to move away from in my real life.
I am just overflowing with resentment about making dinner every night. It's because there is so much meat involved and I don't like meat and I don't want to cook meat or eat meat or see, smell, or touch meat. And every night I cook up some meat and force it down because its like everything to the 2 men I am a kitchen wench to these days and I put their desires before my own. sigh.
I'd like to photograph all day even if I am only photographing in my own backyard but I saw the traffic directors out there this morning and knew that the testing was going on just beyond our yard and started to have a panic attack because in my head it is absolutely conceivable that the virus can travel thousands of yards on a breeze and I was afraid to breathe knowing possibly infected folks were driving down the street which runs the length of the front of our property just to turn and drive past my side yard.
If I found out people could volunteer to be put to sleep until this was over I'm pretty sure I'd be the first to raise my hand.
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