It's the morning of the third day after my terrifying shopping excursion.
I lied to you, my internet audience, by omission. What I omitted is that when I got back to the house from the store I felt the urge to claw at my own chest and when I went to the bathroom to remove my shirt and have a look I saw that had a small smattering of stress hives. Oh dear lord. I had managed to really scratch one bump in particular and the fire inside of that hive is not going down without a fight. Benadryl cream is useless against the burn of a stress hive. The other few hives have died down mostly but this one hive right under my right collar bone.... I could go at it with sharp metal instruments it is so freaking noisy right there.You know how it is have something that isn't right. Its like being right next to someone else's kid saying mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy while the mommy ignores the kid and you just want to leap up, bash the mom in the head and ask the kid what it needs. It's that level annoying.
Since I left the house I have only taken my temperature twice, (normal) but in my head I have reviewed and refined my "what to do if I get IT" plans about 15 times. I am the only one in this family who is truly taking things as seriously as can be. And that annoys the shit out of me. Though we were all in the family room when the news caster was saying how everyone needs to stay inside and bring the rate of transmission down with dire warnings and I turned to Josh and told him that he and Evan need to apologize to me for their reactions of a few weeks ago when I first said we ere going on lockdown. (Both told me I was completely over the top) and Josh did say those 3 little words every woman needs to hear. You were right. Of course I was. I'm always right. They just haven't realized it yet.
I thought about doing the same with Evan, but the truth is he isn't getting himself freaked out by listening to and reading the news all day long like I am so I didn't bother with him yet. He was born with the bad ass attitude of feeling invincible. I pray it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass. I know that he and the girlfriend and her mother are not taking the level of precautions they need to be taking. This is huge. I have to not be in control here and it is driving me a bit nutty. I mean, its literally a life or death situation. I'm also worried that the kids are going to end up infecting the mother (she's in her 60's) and killing her. I don't think they're able to think that far ahead.
I had a brief text exchange with Matt last night. I initiated it. Of course. Everything he says is as neutral as can be. He does not express concern about any of us. And there is always a bullshit delay in responding to me. Thanks for the knife kid, why don't you twist it a little when you plunge it into my heart? Might be more effective with the twist. I wonder if he'll ever own how hurtful he's been. I am so heartbroken. I am just broken. Matt has broken me.
I do sit around and wonder what it would be like to be completely alone during this lockdown. No people, no dog. I think I would prefer that. It feels so much safer. And easier. I've felt so responsible for everything and everyone around me for 55 years now. I don't want to feel responsible anymore.
Also, I have to get out of this town. I am not happy here. I don't even want to try being happy here because I hate the house so much. I want to be happy somewhere else .
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