The husband is in the hospital again. I brought him in Saturday morning because he had vomited something brown the night before and had turned yellow.
There was blood in the vomit. They’ve got him in surgery right now. He has a stone in a bile duct that they will remove in another procedure tomorrow.
But they also found a cyst on his pancreas and since he Was admitted to the hospital all I could think of is brother who died tragically, three years after getting his new heart, from pancreatic cancer.
I’m sitting in the surgery waiting room while they see if they can safely do a biopsy of the cyst and I fee like I’m made of lead and sinking onto this waiting room chair. My head feels big and small at the same time, like maybe everything is turning into cement.
I can’t breathe anyway because I’m into week for with this upper respiratory infection but right now I feel like I’m taking that first breath when you step off a cold air-conditioned plane into a hot tropical climate and suddenly the air is hot and wet and it feels thick like pudding.
I just can’t get my head around the possibility that after everything else the husband has been through the last 10 years that he may have cancer also. I’m also upset because I think that cancer is among the worst ways to die. I’m thinking about my mom And my dad. And how they tried so hard to just live normally
...... despite. And I’m thinking about him despite all of the husbands illnesses and his cognitive decline how he just wants to look normal and feel normal and pretend that everything is normal.
Sent from my iPhone
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