Evan graduated college on Sunday.
So many things happening in my head during this time
First. I’m sick as a dog with some kind upper respiratory thing. And this time around I’m angry about being sick. Like really angry. I mean, I seem to get a big freaking cough illness every winter but this year it just came at such bad freaking time. Mostly because it came after a surprise post menopausal pop up period, which necessitated an ultrasound, blood tests and a biopsy (everything is normal) and all the stress that comes along with refusing to worry about it because I AM NOT GETTING FREAKING CANCER ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE. So, I barely got a break and then cough cough cough. And all I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 days is curl up in bed while someone brings me warm soothing drinks. But instead I coughed my way around the dog park, coughed while making and serving food, coughed driving the 6 hour round trip drive to Josh’s school and back and coughed onto the plane for Evan’s graduation ceremony, all over the arena where it was held, in various restaurants over the weekend, in the arena during the ceremony and back on our return flight.
The one upside was that Josh and the husband were so alarmed by all of my coughing that they shared a hotel room and let me sleep in my own room.
Speaking of the husband..... he’s been less steady than usual (which is pretty freaking unsteady) so he agreed to use the wheelchair that pal gave me after his husband died, so I got to push him around while trying not to cough on the back of his head all weekend. No one offered to push. I think it freaked the kids out a bit. It was hard for the husband to try and be engaged all weekend and it really highlighted how freaking out of it he really is. It was alarming, to say the least. Normally he can kind of fake things because his life has become so small and house centered but when he tried to be part of a bigger conversation or even just casually remark on what we were seeing when driving around ( he had never been to Evan’s school before) He was like..... in a different reality or on some other planet. I totally sounded like the impatient/emotionally spent/psychically exhausted family member snapping back at him when he said something ridiculously wrong or for the fifth time. I don’t like being that person.
The husband very much didn’t want to be in a wheelchair and was anxious to hop out of it at any given moment. That was hard to cope with since he can’t just hop out. Someone would need to carefully fold the foot rests out of the way and then brace the back of the chair so that when the husband leaned back to hurl his weight forward to help his freaking weak self to get out of the chair the chair didn’t tilt over backwards. Totally nerve wracking. Just it like it was when the husband freaking free fell into the chair when he got into it and also had no strength to slowly lower himself down and would just fall backwards into the tippy chair with the wheels on it. I had visions of him cracking his head on the cement sidewalks.
After the ceremony and obligatory post graduation dinner Josh sat me down for a little talk. He called me out for needing some kind of therapeutic support and maybe even an anti anxiety medication. He made good points and I so appreciated how hard it must have been for him to switch roles with me and play the adult and give me some advice. I agree about the therapy. Maybe not so much about the medication. But I’m open to a professional opinion. I just believe that medication is for when the feelings don’t match the circumstances and in my case it’s all so justified that medication would just be a way to be in denial with the aid of chemicals. But like I said. I’m open to a professional opinion.
I was so incredibly proud of Evan. I can still vividly recall sitting in the court watching other people be there alone with no family or support and feeling like the other people were doomed to that kind of life and telling myself it wasn’t going to be Evan’s future and that I’d do everything in my power to put him on a better track. Of course, he’s the one who had to swallow his pride and do the work. And he did!! I couldn’t be happier for him. As the parents we can only support our kids the rest of it is their job. Evan went from obnoxious teenager to driven adult in record speed and I am so happy he is ready to have a good life.
Sent from my iPhone
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