Lately the husband has a "new thing" and his "new thing" is using the word WE. It gets under my skin like nobody's business. He'll turn to me, just at the moment when I'm looking at him filled with anger and resentment because of everything, and he'll say Should WE go to the gym today? or even a more general WE should do something today. But the worst thing he says/does is when he uses WE instead of YOU. An example of that would be What are WE going to make for dinner tonight? And I just see red every time, mostly because 1. he who can't walk any distance at all literally can't do anything outside of movies and restaurant eating 2. he can't walk any distance won't accept help in the form of a wheelchair or even walker with a sitting bench and 3. it's been like for freaking ever since I have walked in the woods with sweet pea and my camera and those are really 3 of the maybe 5 things I actually want to do- I'm dying of frustration every second of every day. I don't want to be a WE with anyone, let alone someone who has the grim reaper walking two steps behind him.
I completely resent (everything lately, but this one thing in particular) him infringing on my gym experience. When I sit around and try to coax myself back into being a gym rat (like I was in stepford) the concept of dragging my disabled demented husband along for the experience....... Sorry. I know how mean it sounds but I am being real here. It spoils it for me. and not in a less satisfying way, it turns it into a fragrant rotting corpse of an idea.
In my defense, historically I have always said bitchy sounding things which weren't actually bitchy but more expressing my innate need for alone time. I used to say things like He's not allowed to retire. He can get a job he likes better but I don't want him lying around the house staring at me all day. And hence: I have been living something worse than my own personal nightmare for exactly FOUR years now. Because in the scenario where I was dreading his retirement he was actually able bodied and of sound mind.
And when I am wondering if I'm just a bitch or if it's personal against the husband I have to admit that I might just be a bitch. Even if I imagine myself with someone is passionate about all of the things I am passionate about (photography and the gym) I wouldn't want to share that with a spouse. I think I might just not be cut out for that kind of marriage. I see people walking in the woods together, some of whom show up together every single day and I know in my heart that I'd get all claustrophobic if that was my relationship.
I have asked him not to phrase things that WE way, but let's be honest, he was incapable of respecting a request like that since the day I met him. He's not going to start now. Today he asked me what WE might do today and I reminded him of my WE issue and then I told him "I'd like to buy a camper, throw my important stuff in it and take off indefinitely." because that is my mean/angry/overwhelmed and under appreciated truth. That is the truth of someone who put her own essence on the back burner to be the kind of mother I wanted to be, always thinking my time to reclaim my own sense of self and worth would come again and when it was about to come again the rug was ripped out under me with such a swift force that I actually remained standing and continued to carry on while wondering what the heck had happened. A day doesn't pass that I am not thinking "I wish I could cut ties with this place, this house, this job of taking care of everyone but me, and go on the run so I can figure out what kind of life I want to have for me." and you know what Mr. Can't Walk / I Have A Handicap Sticker said to my cry for help / inexcusably cruel answer / bitch reply answer?
He said "I'm good with that. I'd do that."
Are you speechless?
Because I was momentarily speechless.
And you know, I talk so much (without thinking even!) that it is rare for me to be speechless.
And then in my mind I pictured him falling while trying to step into a camper and I wanted to ask him if he was out of his mind imaging he could even maneuver in and out of a camper, but I kept that inside and had to tell him that I was going to run away from home alone.
And he kind of nodded, and said "Oh. Okay." I know he has no idea that this cauldron of everything bad is simmering away right under the surface of me. Then he fell asleep in the chair in front of the TV. So I took a nap I didn't particularly need on the couch.
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