My stomach is messed up. Ive been cleansing for about a week. It's still messed up. I'm legit worried. Will try to get to the good 'ol stepford chiropractor for a diagnosis- then to back it up with an MD. He's so good at diagnosing. I hope I didn't burn a hole in it the day I took 4 Aleve because I had no other choice that day. Either I got rid of the pain I was in or I got rid of myself, which is something a mother of 3 really cannot consider. I am worried about growing old with this back of mine. It's not likely to get easier. Every muscle in my torso was seizing up so bad I could feel the hardness of my seizing pieces happening through my skin.
Its been three weeks now and I am still in too much pain with my tendon tear. Went to see a physical therapist tuesday for an evaluation and he made me point and flex and twist to each side. Then he made me repeat each movement again while he resisted with his hand to see if I was weak. Now the area where the tear is is on fire. Its been almost constant burning pain for 2 solid days now. It's the thing I am feeling as I drift off to sleep and the feeling that wakes me up in the morning. Insert four letter word exclamation!!
I can't believe September is almost over. Time is flying by. I know that happens when you're old but I also think it's happening because I am existing in this numb state where I just pace myself going hour by hour or meal by meal. I remember when I went to visit my mother with baby Matt and she would start worrying about lunch as soon as we cleared the breakfast dishes and worrying about dinner as soon as we finished lunch. I thought her life was so shallow. But now that is how I am living. (With less worry about the actual food though...) Eat meal is a marker I need to get through so I can make it to the next one and then bed. Wake up, see if today is the day the ax falls on the husband and if he is still with us I start again. Eat, eat, eat, bed. Check to see if he's breathing. Eat, eat eat, bed. Check again.
All I really want is a job. And the good feeling of having some salary. And a work family, no matter how dysfunctional. But really, a concrete undeniable reason why I have to get up and out of bed every day.
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