There is a great big mess inside my head. Seriously.
This morning, I brought sweet pea to the woods, walked for about an hour with a friend, walked on our own for another 45 minutes or so and left. I only left because I was angry at myself for not bringing my camera (I was betrayed by the phone weather app which LIED to me and said skies would be cloudy) and also because I was so layered up in clothes in my yearly summer attempt to avoid mosquito bites, that the sweat was pouring down my face.
I think because I’ve been going to the Y sauna on and off for the last couple of months I got very efficient at sweating. On the one hand it’s healthy (I hope..) on the other hand, there are more attractive things to be efficient at, like controlling my binge eating. Don’t ask. I’m in weeble territory. Thank god I’m pretty. If I had an ugly face I would have to live under a bridge and yell at the billy goats right now.
So, I was already kind of agitated because of the sunny weather without a camera thing. When I got back to this house, that I freaking hate so much ( even after 8 years of living here I still hate this house. Can’t explain it. I do not feel at home here.) I looked down at my leg and saw a tick crawling around! My other summer enemy!! I used two pieces of paper to scrape that god forsaken vile disease bearing creature off my leg and I squished him with a pen.
Then I came in the house and the husband was asleep so I got busy, which is unusual, normally I am not productive. I cleaned the oven for the first time in 8 years. Or I should say- I began the process of cleaning the oven. (I’m going to need to let that oven cleaner sink in over night) First I took the racks out so I could use a spatula to clear out 8 years of stuff that dripped and ultimately turned into a fluffy kind of oven coating charcoal. I sent a photo of 8 years of charcoal oven drippings to a friend who sent back three texts. 1. OH 2. MY 3. GOD . She probably has a clean oven. I replied “Yeah. Every time I turned it on to warm it up someone said “Dinner smells good” even though it was just the ghosts of dinners past.” and she thought that was hilarious. I sprayed on some super old (I don’t even know where it came from - it was just in the house. May have had it in stepford) oven cleaner and now I’m giving that old oven cleaner time to work.
Anyway, I am going to enter a contest with my photos. The winner gets a trip to Japan to print their photos with an antique method. I’ll be happy just to make it into the finalists. So, I came upstairs to print. Before I knew it it was 2 o’clock and I hadn’t heard a peep from the husband. So, naturally I froze while I made a plan for what I would do if he was in a coma or otherwise unresponsive but alive and also what to do if he was dead. He was fine. He had gotten out of bed and stumbled to the family room and was watching television. But, you know, the terror of wondering if today is the day doesn’t exactly put me in a sun shine and daisies happy mind set.
Also, I had a bizarre dream a few night’s ago where he thought he was thoughtfully hiring landscapers to create a little haven for me except it was in the next door neighbor’s yard and quite frankly, I woke up from that dream screaming at him “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” in my head over the wasted money and I think I’m actually having trouble 3 days later letting go of all the dream anger. The dream must mean something. In the dream I had taken the 8 adirondack chairs from utopia and I don’t even know why I’m thinking about those chairs! I would have taken a lot of other items before those chairs. So strange. But I realized that having those chairs was a recurring dream and once I woke up I knew I had dreamed about those chairs at least 2 other times since we sold utopia last January. According to Dream Bible: To dream of a chair represents "staying put" with a decision. Taking a position in life. Situations where you are aware of yourself not wanting to take action at all. Waiting or "sitting a situation out." ... Alternatively, a chair may reflect how you are taking time out to contemplate a situation before proceeding. Does “Contemplate a situation” mean obsessively worry? If so, then mystery solved.
Also, I still hate the people who bought our house as well as the realtor and even though I know that hatred and resentment (they were all so incredibly dreadful to deal with!) are wasted emotions I also struggle every single day of my life with the inability to let go of anger and resentment. I wish there was a button for letting go. I’d be all over mine constantly.
Anyways, I think I’m coming to a decision about which images to send off to the Japan printing contest. If they chose me it would be so freaking glorious. I’d probably not eat solid food until I got there in order to not offend them with my gigantic american size.
I sat outside for a few minutes to get some sun and when I came back inside a felt a tickle on my neck which turned out to be another freaking tick walking around in my hair line. They are trying to kill me. All the insects have it out for me. The mosquitoes have been biting my boobs through my shirt and bra. I just…. nothing feels safe anymore. Maybe I should just move back to the city. Except NY is totally going to be under water in my life time. I feel quite resigned that I think the end of the world is here.
I’m just sad and frustrated. All I want to do is make photos that people buy so I can afford to make more. Is that asking too much? I don’t think so. I really don’t.
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