I think I may have slipped off of that fence I've been straddling for some time now. I slipped onto the depressed side. I am sad in that way which completely paralyzes me. I feel nothing and everything. My motivation is zero. I cry while driving down the street. I ask myself if there is really anything worth staying on this earth for. (Other than to see the current white house resident behind bars)
But I haven't lost my sense of humor!!
I told the goddess how I have been feeling and she began to cry. She asked me not to do that to her and said that if I ended it for me I might as well end it for her because she would die a thousand times. That kind of resonated with me. I was thinking about the kids but no one beyond the people came out of my womb. I mean, I told her that the kids were the one thing keeping me here, so unless someone takes out all of my kids I'm not gonna jump off a building. I told her in the way of I think about it but I wouldn't do it way- so I'm not threatening or even in any danger. Just need some relief- but won't hurt myself because of the kids.
Which is interesting since one of the kids is a huge source of much of my pain. I'm in agony here. Matt is distancing from me. I don't know why. I suspect that there is a toxic friend or two whispering shit. But I don't know. Because in order to know I would have to have a kid who was willing to sit down and talk to me but I don't. This is not the child I raised. This is not the child I sent off to hipster U. It is what hipster U spits out, and if I could burn hipster U to the ground I totally would. Worst choice ever made. I sent off a kid who would talk to me, share with me, respected me (it was mutual) and now I have a college graduate who won't even try to mend things (uncertain what they are but....) with me.
I can't even write about this because I don't know what is happening and it is making me frantically ill.
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