clickmom

Collection

I’ve been too sick to sit up in front of the computer. I’m going to find a collection of texts to tell the story. 

 

Humanity

I was completely on target for a start to finish miserable day today. Really. It was going to be THE WORST

It started at 4AM when I woke up with the “cramp” thing that’s been happening just below my right shoulder blade since Tuesday evening. I eventually managed to find a position where it was tolerable and fall back to sleep. Then I didn’t get right up when the alarm went off which instantly makes me anxious. As I rolled out of bed I realized that my left knee cap is out of alignment, probably due to the strange way I have to walk down stairs because of my continuing battle with Achilles twndonitis. It was overcast and I just started to shoot again with purpose. I need sun and shadows. Sweet pea found a couple of bones in the woods. It looked like they were left by people. (Sawed off end) and I had to pray that they weren’t poisoned by some insane dog hating creep.  I came back to the house and the husband was sitting in his chair in the family room. 

Now, I am aware of how bitchy this sounds. I’m going to be honest anyway.  I like my alone time even if I claim it doesn’t count when I know someone is sleeping in the house. But I like to make myself something to eat, and sit down in front of the tv and enjoy not talking to anyone or needing to listen and to them. So I was not happy to see his bald little head sticking up over the back of his chair. 

I did prepare US something to eat and then because I was so irritable and because I had planned on showering after eating I slipped my pokey bra off, played our respective lunches  and began to eat. Suddenly I realized with HORROR that I had tucked my retainer into my bra before o had taken my bra off. I ran to the spot and there was no retainer to be found. Immediately I began to fume at the husband who had shuffled back and forth on his big unstable numb feet because he would have never know if he stepped on or kicked my retainer. He feels practically nothing below the knee. I told myself I’d calm down to eat and then look. I ate. But I wasn’t calm. Then I turned over couches and chairs. I swept. I searched with a flashlight. I could not find the pathetic retainer. I gazed at sweet pea. Had she been suspiciously absent for a few minutes? I looked where she brings her bones. No retainer. Sweating and overdressed on the dirty clothes I pulled on to wear in the woods I gave up. I called the orthodontist and went in to have a new mold made for a new retainer. It was shaping up to be the worst day ever. 

On my way back I stopped at the bank and grocery store. I brought the groceries home and went to grab the photo of me and oak that pal asked me to copy for him. I thought I knew where it was but it wasn’t there. I searched for it. I couldn’t find it. I was so upset. But it was time to go back to the orthodontist to pick up my new retainer. My wallet wasn’t in my pocket. 

I figured it was in the car. It wasn’t in the car. Panic overtook me. I searched the house again.  I lost my wallet with all that money I just got out of the bank. A huge wave of nausea passed through me. I got back in the car, now late for the orthodontist. On a long shot I figured I’d call the grocery store before canceling my credit cards. 

THEY HAD IT. Someone had turned it in. I told the guy on the phone how much money was in it and he said it looked like it was all there. I couldn’t believe it. I cried. 

All the tension and anger and hostility I was holding onto melted away. For the moment I had faith in humanity again. I picked up my retainer and my wallet and cooked Josh a gourmet dinner. 

in my bed

I've been a bit of funk creatively. But today, as I was strolling along camera in hand, trying to summon the vision, (after walking with my friends) I realized I was writing poetry in my head, which is a good sign. I go through some kind of process, where I focus all of my energies directly on the concept of the thing I am trying to get through in my images and then if my gaze crosses that concept I will photograph. This is why I must be alone (except for sweet pea, she can be anywhere I am) when I shoot.  If I am listening or talking I can not go to the place where my head needs to be.

The husband had a bit of a scare the other day. His blood sugar was over 500 and his home meter couldn't read it because it doesn't go over 500. He does the opposite of what I ask him to do. If I tell him to go to bed he won't, if I tell him to drink more, he won't. I will not allow him to suck me into his insanity. And I can do a decent job of keeping my head in the real world, but my body responds in ways that I just have not been able to control.

Everything has been hurting so bad. But finally I feel a bit better. I've seen the chiro twice, been on the anti- inflammatory diet for a whole week, but there is one strange cramp pain in my rear ribs. It get so cramped that it takes my breath away, so I went to get a massage. Oh my gosh. To start the massage lady just gently whisks her fingers over the towel that is on top of me and I knew I was in for it. First, I requested the deep tissue massage, second the mere brush of  her finger tips felt painful a some areas which are tighter than I realized. I gritted my teeth and let her elbow, pound, rub and chop me into cramped muscle submission.  This woman did an interesting part of me that the other ladies normally skip.  This woman did my tushy. The whole thing. Not just the upper part. I tried not to react- only to let her pound my clenched butt cheeks into relaxation.  When I left I felt great. Now I am counting the seconds until I can go lie in my bed.

I must be depressed.  At any given moment of the day the place I really want to be is in my bed.

 

 

go

Last week I met peanut and... oh shoot.  It's been so long since I've written about this old stepford friend that I have forgotten her code name. Oh well. Anyways I met the two friends in the city to see an exhibit. Since I was going into the city I was super excited in the morning. And since the temps were in the single digits I made sure to dry every strand of hair on my head. My hair came out great. I put a bit of makeup on, because I always do when heading into the city, because I am so happy on those days. My makeup came out great. Double score. I got to our meeting place first and they texted when they entered the building. I came out of the shadows and the relief on the face of the forgotten name friend was palpable. We all hugged each other to say HELLO and she immediately launched into this whole long (bitchy) diatribe about how some of our peers have let themselves go and she sees those people sometimes and she can't for the life of her figure out how they've let themselves get to such a state and they're walking around with no makeup on and bad clothes, like they have given up on life.. blah blah blah blah blah blah and all I heard was my own interpretation which sounded like Oh my god, I am so glad you don't look like a totally pathetic bag lady with no makeup, greasy hair and tattered clothes, wow, you look like you still have an ounce of life in you which was totally not what I was expecting, I mean look at you, you have makeup on, and your hair is shiny, and your clothes are decent.. What a relief!

 I feel like I should be insulted. Especially since if she was expecting me to be such a wreck I am wondering why she hadn't reached out with some concern prior to our get together in the city. I just don't know what to think. I am going to call peanut and see if she knows what the nameless friend was thinking I would look like.

I've been running around with Josh to all of his college auditions. This is pure unadulterated torture. As the mom, who, as I have explained to anyone who will listen, I see pure potential in my own kid and all I want is for the college reps to see what I see when he gets in front of them and does his thing. Also, the thought that these people have any idea of his talent, or drive, or intellect after watching him perform two 60 second monologues is a joke. I'm worried that he did not apply to enough school because it's all so random. People are whispering all these rumors about how they choose the next incoming class, and I know nothing. I just want Josh to be in a great place where he can learn what he needs to learn to soar. Also, in a perfect world I'd like Josh to be accepted to more than one school so he can feel like he has made the choice instead of taking the one offer that comes through. You know? But in the end, we won't even know for another 2 months who decided he is right for them. This freaking sucks.