clickmom

still upset

Still totally upset. Still stressed out beyond any amount I ever imagined being stressed out by.

One thing that made me happy today are the reports that Robert Mueller may have totally played trump into perjuring himself. I will throw a party when trump goes to jail. Imaging him behind bars is one drop of reason why I wake up every day. Did not know I could hate any one person as much as I hate him. Might even have more active hate going on for him than I ever did for my the biological father. I actually think trump is a worse person. Didn't think I'd ever meet a worse person, only possibly read about one in the news. You know, serial killers etc..  

Anyways, looks like the doctors are starting to come back around to the original diagnosis regarding the husband. They are now talking about a rare slow progressing variant of FTD. Right freaking back to square one. I might never know. I did enroll the husband for a study- they'll do an autopsy after he is gone. If it is medical they'll be able to figure it out. But I just want them to say of it is toxin related because I stand firm in my belief that this might be aspartame toxicity. He went almost 2 days without diet coke after I discussed it with the last doctor. Then he caved. He is completely addicted. Worse than me and sugar. It's bizarre. And he doesn't even know how nasty the stuff tastes. idk. 

Just upset

I’m upset. I’m just upset. Like if someone I pass on the street said “Hey, how are you doing?” And I could only answer honestly I would have to say I AM UPSET.  

Im upset because I detest the realtor. 

I am upset because the buyers seem petty and clearly don’t have the awe for the place like I do. They wrote an inclusion list because they want all of our stuff in the creepiest way possible and they included things like the target trash bins in each bathroom and my Costco baking sheets (after I had expressly told the realtor I did not them going through my drawers) but they did not ask for the antique photographs of the lake hanging around the house. 

I’m upset because I have to sell the house. Dammit. I wanted to spend my twilight enjoying the twilights on those porches! 

Im upset because Evan’s girlfriend is trying to alienate him from me. It’s a very manipulative situation and I have to stand back and watch it and let him find his own way when what I want to do is ban this chick from his life. He can’t even hear himself making excuse after excuse for her behavior. I’m going out on a limb and making a prediction. I predict it will last until they both graduate and begin to crumble after they’ve spent 3 intense months trying to live adult lives together. I don’t want him to waste his time. And I wish I could make him get out now to avoid extra hurt. I remember when my boyfriend of thre years dumped me and I was so angry that I had wasted three years on someone who wasn’t all in.

I am upset that I have gained a terrifying amount of weight. My face is being swallowed up by the rest of me. This needs to be a winter of melting. 

I am upset about other things too. But now I’m feeling too down to to keep listing them. 

no roller coaster

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I will not watch or read about the results until they're all in.

I am nauseated recalling the feeling of going to sleep election day 2016 hearing the the dump had taken the lead and would likely be nominated by the corrupt electoral college. I would like to reopen the argument that the electoral college is supposed to protect this nation against the exact kind of person the dump turned out to be (and by "turned out to be" I mean "was before" and "continues to be" while residing in the white house) 

Over a week ago I ordered a weighted blanket from the big box store and it was supposed to be here today. But it has not arrived. The purpose of a weighted blanket is to help those of us with anxiety get a good night's sleep. If the big box store knew how bad I needed something to reduce my own personal level of anxiety they would have had someone drive it directly to my house. Not kidding.

Speaking of anxiety... I did go to see Pal, after his husband died and he said all of the things you would imagine someone saying. I mean, Pal's husband has been battling for many years, so there were no surprises. Pal has no regrets about the nursing home or hospice he chose. He talks about the strangeness of being alone, and how he never thought he'd have a husband at all, and now that he had found someone he can't picture himself finding that again... All completely standard issue for someone grieving a spouse. Except this part. Pal tells me how he thought he was handling things so well and how he thought he had a handle on his stress levels but as soon as his husband passed he felt immediate relief and can only now see the sheer mountain of stress he felt each and every day.

I am relating to the whole stress thing. I'm at the point where I don't know where the stress leaves off and where I begin again. I don't know if what I am feeling is physical or if it's emotional. To be quite honest, I don't even if know if I am ok or not. I can honestly say I do the bare minimum every day just to make it through. And I can't even do it with a nice heavy weighted blanket because it won't show up! I'm so disappointed.  It was such a splurge, and if I am going to buy something I want it and I want in Amazon Prime time! You know? I totally feel like in the wonderful world where just about anything can be on my doorstep 48 hours later, people have got to get it together and rise up! I know shipping is the least of their problems. Unless you tell me this blanket is being shipped directly from the third world sweat shop where it was inevitably sewn together there is no excuse for making me wait over a week. I don't know relief yet. I was thinking the blanket could show me some.

crashing

I can't describe the feeling I have over everything coming crashing in all at once.

The good/bad news is that there are two people bidding for utopia. The good news is that utopia has become a noose around my neck and I'd like to kiss it goodbye. The bad news is that they are both bidding tragically low and we are going to lose a ridiculous amount of money on this adventure. 

It wasn't worth it.

It will forever be one of those things that I will struggle to let go of resentment for with the husband. We had a budget, I left him in charge because that was when both of my parents were dying and living with us and I was taking care of my grandma and he spent triple the budget building his fucking dream house (not mine) and now we are practically giving it away. Also, if he had kept to the original budget the house would be paid for and we could probably keep it. Which, I couldn't care less about the house, its the place, the land I love so much. I'd be there every summer in a tent if there was only a tent. Whatever. I'm trying to let the place go, the anger go, the dream go. 

I feel like the US is closing in on me. I do not want to be a part of a country where the hate and violence flows so freely. I can't believe the disaster this has all become. I knew it was going to be bad, knew 45 was a festering crotch boil of a crook, but didn't fully realize how corrupt the rest of the gop was willing to be. If I didn't have children I'd pack up and leave. If my kids were willing to leave, I'd gather them all up and get out of dodge.

I still don't feel well. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so unbelievably tired. I literally have one dog walk in me per day. After that I could sit on the couch for the rest of the day. Granted, today I was in the park with sweet pea for almost 4 hours, but still, I got back to the house and could barely keep my eyes open. Well, I didn't keep my eyes open, I snoozed on the couch and then was so dazed for a couple of hours I just sat there wasting my time watching insipid television. That is not who I want to be. 

So, the health crisis. Don't know for sure if I have parasites or not. I cannot see that test result on my computer. I also can not see the lab result for the bacterial/fungal urine testing. My money says fungus over bacteria if anything at all shows up. I do plan on seeing the chiropractor this week and I will be asking him if he can test me for a million things which might be making me tired. I just need to know if this is in my head or not. Because if it is in my head I can work my way out of it. However, I don't think it's in my head. I think there is some kind of infection or something somewhere after having the chills for most of the afternoon. I suspect I am having a low grade fever on and off- just low enough for me not to register it.

I ordered a weighted blanket and it is supposed to show up tomorrow. I am under the impression it will help with anxiety and who doesn't have anxiety in 2018? Not me. I'm fantasizing that Tuesday I will wake up smiling, refreshed, and anxiety free.  hahahaha. I already decided that Tuesday I will not allow any television news to be on and I will not obsessively check my phone for updates and I will wait until Wednesday morning to see if there really was a blue wave or not. I mean, the truth is we still have an entirely corrupt and criminal administration, so blue wave or not the problem is around for 2 more years. 

Today, again I was driving down the street and an oncoming car veered over the double yellow line into my lane and then self corrected just in the nick of time. I saw the woman looking down as if she was holding a phone real low in her right hand. I don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe it is happening to everyone. But I'm wondering if maybe there is a warning in there for me somewhere. Stay off the road, maybe? I wish I could. I wish I could move back to the city and stay there all safe and protected from the big bad world. I don't know why I'd feel safe back in the city. maybe because it will always feel like my one true home? Maybe because it is easy to be anonymous there? Or maybe because when I lived in the city almost everyone thought I was one of them. People thought I was greek, or latina, or whatever they were and that made me feel good. I like having this kind of face, a face that people can see being part of their culture. (With exceptions, obviously- I'm not passing for Asian....) interestingly enough, no one ever assumes I'm jewish. Whatever.