clickmom

she knew my thing

I went to stepford today to see the chiropractor about the heel pain which has been plaguing me the entire summer. I think he helped it. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Anway, I normally drive in, get adjusted and drive straight out again but have been thinking about how in times of high stress I tend to isolate myself and how I really should not do that. So I called the editor to see if she would like to join me for lunch. She said YES. We were sitting in one of my old favorite haunts. I had just finished telling the editor about my photographing light last summer and looking for darkness in the light this summer thing (I explained this in length a few posts back) when the editor spotted an old newspaper friend walking down the street. I knocked on the restaurant window and she came in and we had a little women of the newspaper reunion. We took turns catching up and I told the third woman I had completed an MFA in order to reinvent myself as a fine art photographer. She said "You were always really good with light." Stunned I said What do you mean? and she replied You just had a thing for capturing the light in the dark and the dark in the light.

How close to falling off of my chair did I come?

Was this woman listening to us with a hidden microphone? It was just the exact thing I had just been describing as my goal. 

9 Hours later I still can not believe how this lady walked in after not seeing me for a decade, and only ever knowing my photojournalism work and say something that is so relevant to my art process in this exact moment in time. I think she's psychic.

teeny goals

All of our garbage (garbage being defined as pretty much everything I have ever purchased which wasn't edible or subject to rotting in some other capacity)  is in the house in new town. I never actually unpacked all of the boxes when we moved here from stepford a mere 7 years ago because so many of the boxes are full of crap I'd like to hang onto just in case. And by that I mean.....  Just in case I ever at some point in the unlikely and unforeseeable future want something like the not useful or valuable stuff which is in this box I will already have it and I won't have to go out and buy it again. Also, in stepford I had much more storage, like closets, built in shelving and cabinets, and also a walk up attic (new town has a drop down ladder, so I am not carrying anything up there) so in step ford I could squirrel away more stuff without looking like an obvious disaster. 

I would like to live in a tidier house. The thought of tidying up is overwhelming. So today I decided that I would make teeny little goals, ones that might even be barely noticeable on their own, but will surely add up to a less chaotic and more pleasant living experience. Today I cleaned out the pantry. I cleared out food that must have been purchased as soon as I moved to new town because it expired a year afterwards. That would be 2012. And it was canned, so not frightening at all, but still. I also picked up the laundry room (more of a laundry hallway floor) which was covered in mounds of clothes and towels thanks partially to Evan throwing my neatly folded piles of towels and clothes off of the ironing board and then tossing some of his own clean clothes out of the dryer. 

Tomorrow I will move the collection of food that I've been storing on the kitchen island to the now cleared out pantry and uncover part of the kitchen island I haven't seen in ages. Then, at some other  point, or maybe even in the same day, but no pressure, Iwill uncover the other side of the kitchen island, which is covered with a variety of junk and at least 4 different kinds of dog treats, which could totally fit into a drawer.  I can do it slowly with tiny goals. Today while I was straightening I was chatting with Mat on the phone. Chatting made it much more pleasant. I'm going to ask my friends who might like to be my chat buddy for future cleaning stents. 

photographing darkness

I can see myself falling down that rabbit hole of art think/speak. You know the rabbit hole, it leaves regular people scratching their heads and wondering what you're talking about. Last summer I spent my sunny days in search of compelling images of pools, streaks and splatters of light. I chose to seek out light while listing all of the platitudes people offered me when they didn't know what else to say. I made some good images.  This summer I began to wonder about light versus dark. I'm in a pretty dark place, and I wondered if looking for light was a cover for how I really feel. If I am going to make honest work, I wondered, shouldn't I be looking for dark? I may have been searching for the light last summer but this summer, I didn't have the fight in me and I was really dwelling in the dark. Now, You can't have light without dark, and I found myself pondering whether or not I could search out the darkness without the light. I mean, can I? I spent more time than I will openly admit thinking about what the darkness means, how to represent it and how to find it on a sun filled day. I was quite sure I could find darkness in the dark of night, but that wasn't representative of the darkness I am living right now. I'm living in a (or at least my head is living in a) darkness that co-exists with the light- and that got me thinking about how I could create images which show that. I think I'm heading in the right direction. I finally sat down to download images from my memory card and I can see the narrative about darkness coming through. It's much more difficult to photograph than light. It isn't what we are used to searching for. I like the challenge. It gives me something to reach for.

 

last chance

One day, about a month ago, I got in the lake and swam around a corner of land towards the setting sun. I watched the sun glistening in long scattered lines towards me. I observed how those lines would lengthen and spring back again as my head raised and lowered with each swim stroke. I took note of all my senses, feeling the warm water swirling around my limbs, listening to the evening bird calls and breathing in the scents of lake and trees. 

I wished for a camera on top of my head, so that I could catch tiny little visual slices of this experience. 

I vowed to get back in the water just before sunset on another day and swim towards the setting sun with a camera. 

And then the clouds moved in. Evening after evening the western horizon would be covered with clouds no matter what the rest of the sky looked like. 

And then tonight came. Maybe my last night in utopia for forever. And I was prepared. The camera was charged and I wore my swimsuit beneath my clothes. As I drive back towards the house the hot sun blinded me. I was thrilled! There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I dashed in the house, pausing for only a brief moment before shedding my street clothes, grabbing my swim shoes and towel. I dashed down to the waterfront and onto the dock. I saw no shadows. I looked to the west. I saw thick white clouds.  

I felt defeated. The sun was completely camouflaged in the dense clouds. I told myself to go in anyway. Last chance. I paced the dock. I had really wanted to photograph.  I worried the water would feel unbearably cold. I didn’t know what I’d do in the water alone without the goal of photographing. I told myself to swim around that land anyway. Last chance. Maybe. 

I put the camera on the dock. No sense bringing it in the water if I got right out because of the cold. I jumped in. It was cold. But not unbearable. I grabbed the camera off the dock and decided to swim the route anyways. I turned the corner and the clouds parted. The sun came beaming through and I snapped away at the striped and spotted lines yo yoing back and forth from me to the shore. I photographed swimming towards the sun and then swimming away from it. 

Last chance 

ISO of my monk name

I found out that some guy who lives on one of the two roads which run through the star forest has a target practice thing set up on his backyard. It was not comforting to know he wasn’t shooting at me because I also found out that some bullets can go for a mile! I’m not going back any time soon. Mostly because my foot is so painful right now 

Since every kind of footwear I have seemed to make the situation worse today I walked (limped) sweet pea on a pair of sneakers I dug out of a bag last night. (I am proof that out of sight out of mind is a true phenomenon because I knew in the back of my mind I had brought those sneaks to the lake, I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out where they were until last night when I spotted a reusable grocery bag in the mud room and wondered what was in it) Anyway, the rediscovered sneaks are strangely super low in the back against my heel, which is where the crippling pain is coming from, so I decided to give them a try and even though I limped so much I thought I felt something going wrong in my hips, I seem to be in way less rear of the ankle pain after taking sweet pea for her morning hobble. (Or I should say, MY morning hobble, she’s fine) 

Tomorrow I send the husband and josh back to new town and give myself a day and a half to clean up this place. This way, they won’t be in my way, using dishes, peeing all over the place, etc... and I can leave the house freshly laundered, wiped clean, and spotless for the realtor to sell. 

Right now I’d just like to say FUCK THE UNIVERSE since I’ve purchased lottery tickets all summer because that was really the only way I could think of getting enough money to hold on to this house. And obviously, my time to win the lottery has not arrived yet. I just don’t see the sense in me finally winning the lottery until after I sell off the house unless it was never the cards for me enjoy this place for the rest of my life anyways. Maybe it just wasn’t in the cards, and I’m too wrapped up in loving this location to understand. 

Im really struggling with letting go of all the resentment I feel. I know this what I need to do but I truly don’t know how. I feel liked letting go would mean a head to toe physical and emotional transformation. I just don't have the tools to get to that place. Maybe I need to check into a monastery or something. 

Pop pop pop

Someone marked a trail I’ve been wandering around on for a few years. The new marking made me realize that the trail goes way deeper into the woods than I realized and also, crosses a street at one point, something I never would have thought because I had not taken a close enough look on a map to know that streets ran through this state owned land. I went deep in a couple of days ago, but it was a brutally hot day and mosquitoes were desperately trying to give me their mosquito diseases by biting the one thing that wasn’t covered in billowing cloth or netting- my knuckles and fingers.  Seriously, I finally fled the woods after getting at least a dozen bites on my poor hands. 

Today was both cooler and less humid, So I  went back with high hopes. All was well. The bugs were swarming at a tolerable rate and I went even deeper into the woods than before. Finally, I realized I needed a break (had been marching for over 2 hours) so I turned around to head back when I heard popping noises. 

I wondered, could that be firecrackers? Nope, I decided. The pops weren’t coming fast enough. Could that be gun shots? I wondered with rising alarm.... oh lord. I realized it was gun shots. But where were they coming from? To my left, I thought, but couldn’t be sure. Sounds bounce around in the woods. I called out. STOP SHOOTING! HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! (There was a momentary pause in the gun fire) HIKER IN THE WOODS I screamed as loud as I could. The shooting stopped. But only for about a minute and then pop pop pop pop it resumed. So I called out again HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! 

Things that ran through my mind in about 30 seconds of cold sweat fear waiting to hear more shots being fired-

1. Text Josh so they know to alert authorities if I don’t make it back. Also, some general idea of my location. 

2. I can use my outer shirt (husband’s old work shirt) as a tourniquet and still not be naked if I get hit in one of the extremities and am still able to walk. 

3. Checked the charge on my phone in case I get hit and can’t walk and rescue teams need to triangulate my signal. 

4. Bear mace is useless against a bullet. 

5. I should probably look at maps to figure out the name of the street I crossed and also work out how to best describe my location. 

6. Should I ditch the black trumpet mushrooms I picked in case it’s illegal to pick mushrooms on state property

7. Me being shot by some tobacco chewing fake news believing republican Armageddon spooked gun nut would make a fantastic story if I live to tell. 

8. Maybe a few days recovering in the hospital could be a vacation from my every day life. I could fake trauma related amnesia and try to stretch out the hospital stay. 

But the shooter stopped after my second round of calling out to him. I got back to the car pretty fast, dictating/texting my progress to Josh along the way. 

I have never been so relieved to see the car as I was today. 

Pop pop pop

Someone marked a trail I’ve been wandering around on for a few years. The new marking made me realize that the trail goes way deeper into the woods than I realized and also, crosses a street at one point, something I never would have thought because I had not taken a close enough look on a map to know that streets ran through this state owned land. I went deep in a couple of days ago, but it was a brutally hot day and mosquitoes were desperately trying to give me their mosquito diseases by biting the one thing that wasn’t covered in billowing cloth or netting- my knuckles and fingers.  Seriously, I finally fled the woods after getting at least a dozen bites on my poor hands. 

Today was both cooler and less humid, So I  went back with high hopes. All was well. The bugs were swarming at a tolerable rate and I went even deeper into the woods than before. Finally, I realized I needed a break (had been marching for over 2 hours) so I turned around to head back when I heard popping noises. 

I wondered, could that be firecrackers? Nope, I decided. The pops weren’t coming fast enough. Could that be gun shots? I wondered with rising alarm.... oh lord. I realized it was gun shots. But where were they coming from? To my left, I thought, but couldn’t be sure. Sounds bounce around in the woods. I called out. STOP SHOOTING! HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! (There was a momentary pause in the gun fire) HIKER IN THE WOODS I screamed as loud as I could. The shooting stopped. But only for about a minute and then pop pop pop pop it resumed. So I called out again HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! HIKER IN THE WOODS! 

Things that ran through my mind in about 30 seconds of cold sweat fear waiting to hear more shots being fired-

1. Text Josh so they know to alert authorities if I don’t make it back. Also, some general idea of my location. 

2. I can use my outer shirt (husband’s old work shirt) as a tourniquet and still not be naked if I get hit in one of the extremities and am still able to walk. 

3. Checked the charge on my phone in case I get hit and can’t walk and rescue teams need to triangulate my signal. 

4. Bear mace is useless against a bullet. 

5. I should probably look at maps to figure out the name of the street I crossed and also work out how to best describe my location. 

6. Should I ditch the black trumpet mushrooms I picked in case it’s illegal to pick mushrooms on state property

7. Me being shot by some tobacco chewing fake news believing republican Armageddon spooked gun nut would make a fantastic story if I live to tell. 

8. Maybe a few days recovering in the hospital could be a vacation from my every day life. I could fake trauma related amnesia and try to stretch out the hospital stay. 

But the shooter stopped after my second round of calling out to him. I got back to the car pretty fast, dictating/texting my progress to Josh along the way. 

I have never been so relieved to see the car as I was today. 

Snakes

I think when I get back to new town I’ll do a 3 day juice cleanse. Maybe 5 day. 

I’ve done more than my share of eating this summer. Clothes don’t fit. As in, the day clothes aren’t fitting. Also, I feel like quite the weeble as I make my way through the day. When you carry all your extra weight on top it’s quite suffocating to be super heavy. 

The mild winter this past winter means more than the usual critters are out. I’ve even noticed a lot snakes.  I’m not as much of a nature girl as one might imagine by the amount of time I spend in the woods.  

Im more sad than I’ve been the past few summers. I am still mourning the freedom I never regained. 

Art

Last night I went to the gallery reception for the group graduating from my MFA program this summer.  

First I need to make a public admission that while enduring the 2 years of MFA psychological torture did change the way I create my own art, look at my own art, and react to my own art... so all that change being a good thing, in that I believe I am creating art with more emotion and depth .... surviving the MFA process also made me experience other people’s art differently and that difference can be summed up with words like critical and condescending. 

Is it a good thing? I find it so much harder to just enjoy stuff. I’m questioning the validity of my own very judgmental and shockingly negative opinions. 

darkness

My mind is still reeling over the maternal betrayal- (see yesterday's post)

But, you know, as always, what doesn't kill me... stronger...hahahaha.

I'm a super hero by now.

So, in the "I got on with my life" department, I finally had the chance to sit down and edit the photos I've been shooting this summer. I've been leaning towards more and more conceptualism in my work, or more accurately, defining a concept to... I dunno. Grad school changes a girl! I can't just go out there and be inspired by nature and it's awesomeness and settle for that. Now I have to be exploring the depths of my soul in what ever I do..

That being said, since last summer I've been focusing on making work in which I am searching for light- shafts of light, pools of light, dapples of light dancing off of random leaves.  All of my work is made in the woods that I go to with sweet pea every day.  I wouldn't quite say that I am a landscape photographer, but more that I make work from within the landscape. The work is about something other than the landscape- or something along the lines the landscape serves as a backdrop in my search for ... Oh lord, what am I searching for? Am I searching? Or.... am I finding? That's more like it.  Yeah, I think I am finding that in the woods there is a mirror to every outside the woods experience. If you can get your head around that.

This summer I started to wonder if I could photograph darkness. To photograph light I needed darkness, and to photograph darkness I would need light, but the trick was to make a photograph that wasn't about light- it would be about the dark. I've been struggling and struggling and finally last week I think I had a bit of a breakthrough. SO I am super pumped right now. I feel like I managed to make images that are pleasing to look at, interesting, mysterious, have components of light and dark and are not about the light but about the shadows or more poetically, they are about what you can not see as much as they are about what you can see.

I hesitate to put any online because of thieves who steal your images, but I will do what I do for instagram, which is I will post a low quality phone photograph of my computer screen so you can get the idea. Look for those photos in the next post. I can hear my pillow calling out to me from the bedroom,  Gotta go.