So. Let’s discuss being married to someone with dementia. I had a long talk with Pal today. His husband is in bad shape. The Parkinson’s has been joined with Alzheimer’s and now he is just a non person who still knows how to eat. Pal was telling me that he was cleaning out some stuff and found some letters of commendation from prestigious organizations thanking his husband for the job well done (he was an engineer) and how strange it was to think that his previously highly capable and hard working husband, who is still relatively not old yet, has been reduced to someone whose only care in the world is getting more yogurt. Also, he thinks Pal is his brother, which is reminiscent of my grandma who insisted her son was her brother because a son wouldn’t visit her but a brother would despite the fact that she had not seen her brother, the loser, for at least 30 years before she died, first because he stole her life savings (I know, every family has a story like that) and second because he did not live to a ripe old age (Hahaha asshole!)
There is a bit of gas lighting involved when married to dementia. Is it me? Am I panicking over nothing? In the case of being married to my personal husband, who is quite sure there is nothing wrong with his brain and I have just manipulated the doctors into believeing there is something wrong with his brain, as if it is my life long desire to be married to dementia instead of him, it can really make me pause and ask questions too. Am I nuts?
No. I’m not nuts. You don’t get teams of medical professionals on your case when the wife is making stuff up.
Luckily we saw another specialist last week who remarked on the personality changes over the past year. Sweet validation. Come to mama, let me hold you in my arms. You know vailidation is what I live for! Sometimes I wonder how much of the husband still lives inside of the husband. It’s so freaking weird.
OK. Stay with me now while we journey back in time to 3 decades ago and the husband and I were a new couple. One day I was on the phone with my mom and I told her the husband was about to return from work. Now, you should know that every evening approximately 5 minutes before my dad would return from work my mom would run into her bathroom and brush her hair and put on lipstick. Lipstick. In her own house when she would sit down to dinner 10 minutes later. So, my mom says LETS HANG UP SO YOU CAN GO PUT ON LIPSTICK hahahaha. I remind my mom that I think lipstick is created by sadists and never wear lipstick. She asks me what I’m wearing and I answer honestly. I was wearing one of the husbands worn work shirts. She tells me she will bring me to the store and buy me some lingerie and I tell her I’m not the lingerie type either and also that I am TOTALLY POSITIVE THAT THE HUSBAND (who was still my boyfriend) THINKS IM SEXY WHEN I WEAR HIS SHIRTS. My mom tells me that I’m crazy (pattern!). I never go lingerie shopping with her or start wearing lipstick (yuck)
so, back to the present , as in recently, in my attempts to make my mosquito magnet self mosquito safe I decided I should try and wear some long sleeved shirts. And then I wondered if the husbands old work shirts, which were just collecting dust in the closet would be more comfortable (airier) than my typical cotton knits which can magically feel like gauze in the winter and wool blankets on the summer. So I found a beat up shirt with a frayed collar and wore it to the woods. The husband spotted it and said remarked that I was wearing his shirt. He said it looked good on me. That shirt was working for me mosquito wise so the next day I wore one of his old shirts again, but the second day I sat around and chatted with the husband when I got back from the woods. Then I said I was running upstairs to change my shirt before going out to run errands and he got all seriously disappointed that I was taking his shirt off. He said he liked seeing me in his shirts. I realized that he who never says a compliment nor any other nice thing one could possibly say was enjoying looking at me in his old work shirt.
so much to my surprise he is still in there somewhere and also, I was right, mom!
Awwww!!
Posted by: Mitzy Carter | June 26, 2018 at 09:54 PM