clickmom

bad day

I am having one of those days to such an extent that I am completely bowled over by the suckiness of this day.

First I got up at 5 this morning ignored to walk sweet pea before taking the husband to a doctor appointment. Not thrilled by waking up early, I was a big girl about it. Took sweet pea for a half way decent walk. I ran into a sweet older guy who is suffering with pain and being given so many pain killers that he is sick over it. I want to help the guy. But he has that crazy blind trust of doctors. I was so sad after talking to him. Then I returned to the house to get Josh off to school. I was so tired by 7:30 this morning that I had a cup of coffee before leaving with the husband at 8. 

Big mistake. No coffee on an empty stomach said the shooting pains in my stomach the entire ride over to the hospital.

There was traffic, so I tried to blindly (no reading glasses) tap the address of the doctor into my phone GPS to get an alternative route which ended up taking us to the same name street in the town before the hospital town. Not a big deal, we thought we had plenty of time, then I programmed the address into my car GPS.  The husband insisted the GPS was taking us to the wrong place even though I said SHE WORKS OUT OF DIFFERENT OFFICES and in the end, both the husband and the GPS were barking different orders at me, the GPS was hollering ROUTE RECALCULATION over and over and over and I was completely frazzled by the time we got to the wrong office, tried to get to the right office, even though the GPS doesn't know the highway exit was moved and some streets are one way streets and we tried to call in saying we were late and kept getting the answering machine and we were half an hour late.  When we finally got up there I must have looked as stressed as I was because the wonderful amazing and fantastic receptionist went out of her way to see if the doctor could work us in between other patients who were on time and she did.

Long story short- there might be an answer but more testing is needed and the one thing I so desperately wanted to hear was said. If this one particular rare thing is what is causing everything then it would not be passed on to our kids through the husband. Hallelujah on the one hand, but when I suggested this very same disease to the doctor in the hospital last August who was supposed to be excellent at diagnosis she shot me down. I was annoyed again. Also, not something that is curable to the extent of making him a normal functioning person again. 

Drove home, only managing to stay awake through the panic of the voice of a friend who has too much on her plate, walked straight to the couch and just crashed.  

Woke up, ate, and went to see a therapist. There was a car in his parking lot which had a nasty bumper sticker on it. It said something like "I'm the kind of conservative liberals fear the most" I so wanted to key in suggestions to his trunk. Hateful? Racist? Mass killer? Low IQ? Ignorant? Indoctrinated by the actual fake news? It made my blood boil.  I could have totally pulled a Fried Green Tomatoes on that car. I'm old and I have better insurance! Crash.

Then the idiot realtor, who I just signed a contract with a few weeks ago and who has been dragging her feet about doing anything to sell the property quit on me. She freaking wasted the entire spring season by stalling and canceling appointments. If anger was a rocket ship I'd be half way to mars over that.

Then, the therapist (who I don't talk about because I am not sure I like him) said in response to me mentioning an article on young people suffering high levels of infertility "Unless they smoke crack" and I think... he is not the therapist for me. What the hell? Are you freaking serious dude? Also, I found out his kids are 8 year old twins and I don't care how much schooling he has, you can't relate to someone if you haven't walked in their shoes. The kid thing is totally black and white, my kids were all still dream children at 8. No one was in trouble, I didn't lose a minute of sleep worrying that someone was going to murder my son for wearing dresses, and Josh still thought I was fabulous. 

Then I went to the jaw specialist who reworked one of my mouth guards, cutting out the part that went over the braces, and now I should be able to feel as if I am shutting my mouth by biting on the mouth guard when I sleep even though I can not close my mouth because my front teeth are in each other's way. They keep telling me this is part of the process. Hopefully I won't choke to death on not chewed food before I can actually close my mouth again. Braces suck. I can not believe how horrible they are. Then, the jaw specialist, who is the only dude I really truly like that I let poke around my mouth said I should be good to go until I get the braces off. And I was so sad because the jaw guy gives me these great massages and acupuncture to loosen my jaw, neck shoulder face muscles and they are wonderful and in a perfect world, I'd stop by and see him at least 3 times a week (for free). I will miss this guy. He wore red and white thin striped socks today. I am a sucker for hideous socks. 

Then I brought Josh to the pediatrician. I need health forms for Josh's summer program, and I am not a fan of this new doctor guy either. Mostly because he keeps saying that Josh not wanting to tell me anything is normal and I just think that if I am responsible for him he has to suck it up and tell me things, like how he feels and what's bothering him. Duh!!  Also, fuck that guy, he doesn't even have teenagers yet. I hope his kids take him for a ride to hell and back and he regrets ever telling any mother her kids can shut her out. 

Then, I decided to take it easy tonight and get Chinese food for dinner because I really want a break and I drive my tired butt over there to pick it up to use a coupon and so I don't have to tip a delivery guy and I get back to the house and they have forgotten to pack Josh's order so I have to put my shoes back on and drive back for general chow's chicken which I can't even eat. I cried in the garage before getting back into the car over that one.

I'd love to take a nice hot bath except the bathtub here in new town reminds me of a coffin and the last place I need to be is soaking in a coffin.

 

I did not respond

 Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen making dinner when I heard a few loud footsteps coming down the hall and stopping right next to the kitchen door I peaked over through the doorway and saw the husband leaning up against the wall shaking like a leaf. I idiotically asked “Are you OK?” and for the first time ever he said NO. I stepped toward him and began yelling for Josh but not fast enough. The husband went down. I’m sure he hit his head against the wall on his way down otherwise he was unharmed. Josh brought a chair over and eventually the husband was able to crawl into the chair and collect himself so that he could continue on down the hall to sit in the family room in front of the television. I asked him if he thought that perhaps he had gotten up too fast and head not allowed his blood pressure to get used to the change in position. He agreed that it was likely that that is what had happened. This is an ongoing problem for him he has low blood pressure which bottoms out when he stands up too quickly.

 Today I noticed the husband wearing his sneakers in the house and I questioned him. I asked him if he had gone outside while I was running errands and he told me that he had put on his sneakers because he figured that he fell yesterday because his socks made the floor too slippery. 

 I don’t know how to respond during those moments that are crystal clear that the husband is living in some kind of altered reality. I know I feel angry but I am quite sure that anger will get me nowhere. I did not respond

10 feet above sea level

I'm tired a wee bit cranky so I'm just gonna layout some details without too much fanfare.

I went to the dermatologist to show him a black smudge on my knee which looked suspiciously like the "irregular cells" they removed from my thong area 10 years ago and naturally, the knee smudge cells are also "irregular." Mother F-er. Now I have to go back to the dermatologist every 3 months.

Today, with my bare hands, I plucked a big tan engorged tick off of sweet pea's anus. I am rethinking my ban on antibacterial soap.

I got 4 inches of hair cut off.  The hair dresser kept saying how fast my hair grows, I'm not sure why she doesn't realize that the last time I was in was last October. 

I also got a bug net to wear over my head and it is magical. Except it gets in the way when photographing. I'll have to figure something out. Might buy a bug shirt too.

People keep passing me on these sleepy little 2 lane double yellow lined streets because I'm not going enough over the speed limit to suit them. I secretly hope they spin out and hit a tree.

The barbed wire braces are still messing with my mind. I thought for sure that when I showed the jaw specialist how I can not close my mouth all of the way he would put a phone call in to the orthodontist and tell him he was doing a bad job and to fix it. Nope. He said sometimes it has to be that way on it's way to straight. Dammit. He also said he'd modify my night time mouth guard (in a drawer since getting the barbed wire braces) so I would be able to wear it with the barbed wire braces and close down on that at night when I sleep but I foolishly did not bring it with me to my appointment, and now I have to wait a week to get that done thanks to Memorial Day.

Speaking of the holiday weekend, Josh's school play is this Memorial Day weekend, which if you ask me should be illegal because FAMILY TIME but, hey, who am I to have an opinion? In this town no one dares to speak out against certain aspects of the school such as unreasonable theater directors or sports which dominate the lives of entire families.  Instead we whisper our grievances to each other in secret.

The dotard has not succeeded in driving me insane yet, and I decided to hold onto my sanity as well as my anger so that I can redirect that into something good. I haven't figured out what yet.

I have however been thinking extensively about my future photo book and have managed to resolve some issues and rethink how to present by overthinking so hard that I didn't have to waste a drop of printer ink. I did volunteer to show my book dummy at the next photographer's meeting so I will have to begin the process of moving my thoughts onto paper. I got this. I just don't want to waste more  printing stuff than I have to in order to get there.

Now that winter is gone I'm photographing again. I think I just have to accept my seasonal affective disorder and not demand too much from myself once the weather turns and the days get short. I wonder if I'd have this issue in Florida? I might have to move to the part of Florida which won't be under water in this century and see for myself.

 

 

 

nickel allergy

OH MY GOD these braces are the worst. I've decided that I am actually having a nickel allergy due to the swollen state of my tongue and also because once I started googling about the swollen tongue I realized that the strange burning sensation on the inside of my lips and their slight puffiness (I must admit that I was secretly happy about the less noticeable lip wrinkles) is also not something that everyone feels. I'm calling the orthodontist first thing on Monday. I might go int here and sit in the waiting room and start chatting it up with all of the other the patient's mothers. heh heh heh. I feel like being a trouble maker. And taking a benadryl tonight to see if the tongue swelling goes down. That will be my allergy confirmation.

I'm overwhelmingly unhappy with them anyway, since I can not close my jaw. I cannot close my jaw because my front teeth hit something. I can't tell if they hit brackets or each other, but in either case, I can't close my jaw. This means I can not exactly chew, so that makes for unsatisfying eating experiences and interesting poops.  Seriously, it's disgusting. I decided that I am not going to hold back on the disdain I feel for the orthodontist. I was trying to hold it in since my teeth are currently being held hostage in metal brackets, but I'm going to go all out - full metal jacket - take no shit from the patriarchy - on him. Dude is not going to know what hit him.

Also, I would like to add here that his assistants do not put their masks on correctly.  They cover mouths but not their noses and then they freaking breathe into my face with their nasal food breath. I am going to go in there and name the two assistants and refuse to let them hover over me and spray me with their nostril germs. So unsanitary. I can't tell you how highly recommended this dude was! Which angers me further, because I am thinking that this is yet another area in the world where the man's club comes into play and these guys are probably all friends. Do they really think this orthodontist is the shit? I doubt it. Or, I am the most challenging patient ever and he simply wasn't up to the challenge. I think they are all just friends. Fuck. I should have done more research.

Nutshell

I texted a childhood friend who I rarely speak to you in real life  “Happy Birthday!” for her birthday because Facebook alerted me to the fact it was her birthday.  She replied “Thanks! How are you?” 

Heh heh heh. Sucker. Here’s my single stream extremely long for a text but remarkably pin point accurate reply:

I typically advise people not to ask me that question unless they’ve set aside a long block of time for my answer! Rough winter for me personally. One upper respiratory infection after another. A couple of injuries because I’m still a spaz.  My husband continues to slowly go downhill physically and cognitively. It’s a total mind fuck- living with someone who is going through what he’s going through. But, you know, in the end I maintain.  I get out of bed every day and do what has to get done. (Not too much more than the basics...) Some friends admire me for it, which seems totally nuts to me since there are things I HAVE to do, but I know some people reach a point where they can’t even get out of bed. I have been photographing (or at least strategizing over the marketing of completed work) so for me that’s the indicator that I’ll make my through this crisis and be fine. My kids are holding steady- the oldest is taking baby steps towards a career in performing, the middle just got back from A LEGIT UNIVERSITY after a rocky high school/ post high school period, and my baby (17!) is trudging through high school looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The baby is struggling with the stress of being a kid in the 21st century combined with his father’s illness but I’ve got a nice support team behind him now, so I’m feeling like he will also make it through this in one piece and hopefully come out on the other bed with as little baggage as possible. As a general rule I hate winter, so I’m super happy the weather finally turned. (Now I can complain about ticks and mosquitoes instead) I’ve been pretty withdrawn through this ordeal- it’s just what I tend to do when the going gets rough. I do force myself to attend some photo related events knowing that once this dark cloud lifts that photography will be the way I re-enter the land of the normal people.  That’s about it. How are you? It hasn’t been that long since you lost your mom Mother’s day is tough without a mom. Get out and do something! Distraction is a wonderful tool.  

magnitude

So, I haven't done much of anything since the embarrassing stair tumble of a week ago. Everything still hurts- despite my compliance with the prescriptions. I'm actually taking my compliance with the prescriptions as a red flag. I mean, seriously, I am not exaggerating when I admit to having a drawer stuffed with prescriptions that I didn't take because I told myself that I would get in just in case and take it if my pain/illness (whatever) got worse and then I realized I would heal/recover on my own without the long list of side effects weighing on my mind. I still don't actually know what I have been taking.  What I do know is that the swelling and bruising is down, but the pain persists.  My toe is is still painful to the touch, both across the knuckle where I was black and blue and on that side bump where I was crimson for days. If I wear shoes instead of the plank with velcro things my foot aches along where it bends. My ankle hurts all of the time.  My wrist also aches and draws with pain after I use my thumb to drive and I can't sit with my chin on my hand (OW!) My middle back got much worse before it started to get minutely better two days ago- so I'm not even sure where on the pain scale from original injury that is.

Thank goodness Evan has been taking sweet pea out for her walks every day. He's been a hero. 

I have a followup appointment at the orthopedic walk in clinic and I'm seeing the step ford chiro on Thursday. I'll tell the clinic how messed up I still am but I'm kind of embarrassed to go in and tell the chiro what a disaster I became in the 2 weeks he was on vacation, but, whatever, he has seen me at my worst. I'm putting the pride the shelf for the opportunity of a miracle level adjustment.

So, braces, I still cannot believe we do this to teenagers. I mean, as if being a teen isn't hard enough! Applesauce and boiled egg for breakfast and squash puree for lunch. I did manage to semi chew some very thin slices of sheep's cheese to top off the squash. I didn't enjoy the cheese. Somehow drooling cause I'm trying not to file my inner lips on the harsh metal braces while chewing something really gently on my last molar is not a satisfying way to eat. 

I saw the SIL yesterday because her husband had a massive coronary last week and it looks like his heart is just as messed up as the husband's. Too many bad hearts in this family and the dude isn't even a blood relative. He married in with his damaged goods.  Seems like a really crazy and tragic coincidence. I ask the SIL if she gets her heart checked, since both brothers have the bad heart genes, and she tells me she does but I doubt her honesty.  I mean, she lies to me about things that don't matter and why not lie to me about everything? Seriously, I hate it when grown ups lie and I don't call them out because they are supposed to be grownups. But honestly, if I know you're lying to me I will have no respect for you. Also, hate you a bit for being so disrespectful. I don't lie. I'd like to think it's because I'm a high quality person, but it's more that I realized when I was in junior high that it was too hard to keep track of the lies so I vowed not to be a liar. I wish I could walk away- I wouldn't be voluntary friends with a serial liar. 

But, I am quite concerned about the husband of the SIL.  He was bumming and I only know what it's like to go through this with someone who is in complete denial and thinks he'll still live to a ripe old age. I don't know what it is like to go through this with someone who understands the magnitude of his condition. 

fashion independent

Yesterday I did not make dinner because even though I have a plank with velcro straps on my left foot no one (Evan or Josh) wanted to go to the store for food. So, I thought, I'll order pizza and they'll realize that I CAN'T WALK ON MY SWOLLEN FOOT/ANKLE YET. Let's see how helpful they are today. I had a banana for dinner but even that was tough to chew. 

When I was a new teacher I became friends with another new teacher who was about 25 years my senior. While I was just career finding myself, this woman was reinventing herself. She had worked in fashion for decades and always longed to teach and finally decided that she would pursue her dreams. Which hilarious since at that point teachers were paid similar wages to migrant farm workers, so it's like her dreams were to be impoverished. 

Anyway, my friend, who was a lovely person, had frightening looking teeth. I mean, I don't want to BE mean (though I totally could since I haven't spoken to her since Josh was a baby) but if I had those teeth I'd have nightmares.  They were super long and brown. They were so long that I used to wonder how they stayed in. I'd imagine I could see her jaw bone-that's how bad her gums were. And the brown part- I dunno, maybe it was illness related. My grandma didn't brush her teeth for the last 7 years of her life, and loved coffee and didn't have teeth that were brown like my teacher friend did.

I will get to the point, I promise.

Eventually, my teacher friend worked up the courage to do something about her ghastly oral situation and that something was to remove all the brown daggers from her mouth and replace them with a full set of dentures. For some reason, the the dentist needed to remove her half putrified chompers in stages, so my friend had long periods of oral surgery with pain and discomfort and toothlessness. Also, my friend did not cook. She had no desire to really cook and did not see this as an adventure in learning how to take care of herself, but only a rough patch she needed to endure before her total replacement smile arrived. So, my friend, who prior to the removal of all of her teeth ate a lot of Chinese food and other restaurant fare went on to eat only scrambled eggs, which was one of the few things she knew how to make, and applesauce from a jar. (point ahead) She ate that limited soft food diet for so long that she lost a ton of weight and went from dumpy to slim during the process of preparing for dentures. (Now you see where I am going here, right?)

For breakfast today, thinking of my be-dentured friend, I ate scrambled eggs. I did have the heels of a gluten free loaf of bread hanging around so I toasted them, slathered them with dairy free fake butter, and cut them into tiny little 1/4 inch squares which I could insert towards the back of my mouth where the teeth aren't bound to the metal rod of oral torment but the simple act of chewing seemed to make my front chiclets ache in a serious painful way so I'm thinking maybe I should commit to the scrambled eggs and applesauce oral pain regime for some time just to shed at least the poundage I managed to gain this winter while having my pre diet binge every day with never actually making that leap of commitment into the diet phase. (To simplify that, fitting into my summer pants is not going to happen unless I stop eating for a couple of weeks, and even then, maybe only the looser pants will fit, but not loosely) But, for the sake of being honest, and also because I feel like I should be real for Mitzy, I'm just going to put it out on the table that the real fantasy is that some switch in my head flips and I remain on a limited diet for so long that I end up losing a ton of weight and the part of me which compulsively grabs for food every time I feel I feel an emotion vanishes, so the new not fat me, just shrugs and says eye rolling stuff like "I don't know what happened, once I got used to eating only baby food I just stuck with it and the weight fell off"

I don't want to be like the person who gets her jaw wired and thinks she's going to emerge light and healthy from the procedure only to realize how easy milkshakes go down with a wired jaw and then gets fatter despite not being able to eat solid food for some time.

It's not a vanity thing. I am feeling "older" these days. My joints hurt. My belly is really getting in the way and I want more stamina when I'm hiking up a hill. I also would like to not need to shop in the humiliating "women" section. I have no need for fashion, I just want more choices in living my fashion independent life.