after

 It’s been just about a year that since we found out my brother-in-law was going to die of pancreatic cancer.  That long month between when we found out what it was and my poor sweet brother-in-law actually dying changed me. I think it changed the husband too. You know, in life I remember things by markers those markers are little momentous events of my own life. Usually the markers are  The birth of my children or I don’t know maybe the year I did that first triathlon or something like that. Lately my markers are the time that the husband stopped working, the time that I found out there was something wrong with the husband’s brain, the time my brother-in-law is dying, and the summer that I found out that the husband has stage four heart failure. In some ways my life is divided into that before when things were normal when the husband went  to work every day and I didn’t have to worry about everything. I had the luxury of worrying about a lot of little things. And now I’m in the after. In the after husband doesn’t work he doesn’t do anything except sit around and be fragile and not understand how delicate he is health wise.  You mean after I am holding my breath. I’ve been holding my breath for almost 2 1/2 years now. It doesn’t get easier 

 Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I had to bring the husband to see his kidney specialist. Everyone at the hospital told my husband he was lucky to have such a caring valentine looking out for him. Not once did the husband smile, not once did the husband agree. Husband Simply did not react. This is my after