stuck

I'm giving much philosophical thought to my"career", or more appropriately "lack of career" and how I am making a ton of work, but not marketing it (with the exception of the Review Santa Fe, where disappointingly, no reviewer said, Hold my hand and let me guide through this process with my gentle love and limitless understanding because I believe in you so much it is now my life's one and only goal to see you succeed.  I mean, I still can't believe that didn't happen. wink wink. (but not 100%, because, let's be real, you're reading the blog of someone who is convinced she will one day win the lottery)

anyways.... 

I was chatting with the editor today and was actually trying to whip myself into a different mind set. I need to whip my self into the less talk/more action mindset, but then she went and was totally understanding about my current mindset of talk ad nauseam/no action and didn't stand behind me cracking a whip, like I probably need someone to do right now if I'm going to get that gallery representation that I say I want so much. Part of the problem here is that I don't actually have any idea how to go about doing this. I really don't, other than walking into the galleries with my portfolio underway arm. And everyone knows that they really don't want you to walk in with your portfolio under your arm.  But, you know, I have ideas, so I'll just keep moving forward with the little insane ideas in my head. It would be a normal thing to show up at a gallery where they have no idea who I am and start measuring it for my future show, right? Hopefully, I won't be arrested for trespassing or stalking.

In other news, we saw the SIL yesterday. It makes me sad. Now, I don't have daughters, so I just don't know.... One niece stared at the tips of her hair the entire time. I tried very hard to engage the other niece in conversation but ended up just being one of the pestering adults who asks all of the stereotypical questions and gets one word answers. The whole time I was waiting for the SIL to say something awful to her daughters. I felt like I had put on my boxing gloves before I even left the house in anticipation of it all and I feel like I woke up this morning with those gloves still on.

Speaking of waking up this morning.... You know how you can be angry at someone (your husband) if you dream he cheated on you and not be able to shake it all morning? I had a weird dream with ended up with me sitting on a platform on the back of some kind of very large boat with my legs dangling in the water. The captain ordered someone to push two barrel like things into the water, which was a mean thing to do because I was relying on them somehow and then the captain took off. My legs were dragging in the water, and I was just barely able to hold on and not slide off of the boat into the water. Suddenly I see a large dark shark in the water chasing after my dangling legs and I have to figure out how I can draw in my legs without letting go (since I am desperately barely clutching onto something) and get off the slanted platform without sliding into the water because in my dream I can imagine a scenario where the shark's nose comes up out of the water and is able to snatch me right off the tipping platform. I consider giving up and just getting my own death over with. All day long I've been stuck in the mood of someone stuck on a slanted platform of a fast moving boat with nothing to grasp onto with her legs trailing in the water being pursued by a shark.