clickmom

deceiving myself

me lying in bed: I don't think I actually still feel that bad. I should be better by now. Maybe I can go to the Y. Just to hang out in the sauna or something. Nothing hurts, (aside from the almost bleeding sides of my nostrils), I am blowing less than I was yesterday, I'm even getting used to the core muscle exhaustion from coughing till I'm purple.  I think I should get out of bed and maybe go somewhere, like to the store for food or the pharmacy for thermometer batteries so I can confirm I don't actually have a temperature, like I've been telling myself I don't.

me out of bed: What the hell is wrong me?!?!? How am I still this sick?!?!? OMG, I'm in a cold sweat. Since when did the tea kettle weigh 50 pounds? I gotta get horizontal NOW.

 

The things I think I’m hearing when the horrifying sounds of my breathing infiltrate my dreams

1. A box of meowing kittens

2. Softball sized hail tumbling down a brick paved road

3. dying geese which continue fly after hitting an airplane 

4. That paper accordian toy Matt had as a baby (Who in their right mind gives a baby an accordian, anyways?!?) 

5. A room full of disappointed Disney minions

6. Woodpecker conventions

7. Living in NYC car alarm flashbacks 

8. Wow, is another ambulance coming down the street? 

Edited: A new day brings a  whole new cacophony of sounds

 9. Chewbacca crying out in pain

10. A Bird! Quick little bursts of bird sounds. 

11. Squeaking door hinges on a door being opened real slow 

siiiiiiick

Folks. I’m sick. By sick, I don’t mean normal sick like I was for the first 3 1/2 weeks of this month, I mean, “ So siiiick, maybe I should write down a list of my banking passwords for someone” sick. 

In an uncharacteristicly simple way, because I am one finger tapping this out on my phone DURING MY QUARANTINE time sick, I’ll lay it out for you. 

Initially (Jan 1-24) days upon days of sore throat which made wonder if I was getting sick. Them BAM sinus infection from hell   All symptoms including green boogers and head so heavy I could barely stand upright. Then slow move to chest followed by normal person cough. A few days or seeing light at the end of tunnel where I walked around thinking symptoms were gradually lightening up.  This lasts until about January 22.

Hello?  What is this? Hay fever in January? Sudden cough as if I had been inhaling puffs of dust in my face. Also, strange itchiness in the back of my throat and nose. 

This brings us to last Thursday. I went into the city to see my MFA program friend from Chile. If he can take the 12 hour flight up from Chile I figured I can get the 75 minute train ride from new town. 

Halfway through the day I suddenly lose all energy. Like, I’m done. We sit down to eat something for a late lunch and afterwards I head for the train to go home. I’m totally spent and cough nonstop the entire way back to new town.

The next day I had things to do so I did them. I took Josh for his road test. He passed! Woohoo! I took the husband to the foot doctor and I even coughed my own way through a dental consultation because I had to see a specialist (my bite is messed up. That’s another post)  When all that was done I went to the urgent care ( yes, I need a local doctor) and the stupid PA (I’ll be contacting them later) said I have bronchitis and gave a prescription for antibiotics and one for an inhaler because I asked for it.  

 I knew I did not have bronchitis because I have had bronchitis so many times and I know exactly what it feels like. I knew this was worse so I figured it might be almost pneumonia  so I got the antibiotics went home and figured I would take them if I thought I had pneumonia. The next day I realized my breathing troubles were much worse than they had been the day before and it still did not feel like pneumonia so I went to the emergency room. I did say I was going to keep this short Didn’t I ? Did you believe me? Ha ha. You must not know me very well.

 OK I will keep this short. I tested positive for the RSV virus and I have  complication because of that virus. It is not bronchitis it is Bronchiolitis  which is a more severe form of bronchitis pretty much 

 The doctors and nurses at the hospital told me I am highly contagious that I must go home and quarantine myself from even my family for at least a few days and that when I leave the house afterwords I need to wear a mask and try to stay out of crowded areas. Then they handed me a stack of masks. They weren’t kidding!!

 So that was Saturday I came home went straight to my room. I stayed in my room Sunday. Right now it’s Monday and I’m still in my room and tomorrow I will probably only leave my room to go back to the hospital clinic to get checked out again because they told me to do that in three days. 

 I am following quarantine orders because I do not want to be the cause of some new epidemic and also because in this immune depleted  condition Lord only knows what I’m going to pick up if I go out into the world again for all the sick people are going about their normal lives like I was until the day I went to the hospital 

My next post will be titled “The things I think I’m hearing when the horrifying sounds of my breathing infiltrate my dreams.”

onions in socks

So, last week, I pulled a typical clickmom and went flying over a curb while going full speed ahead. Technically, the toe of my boot got stuck on a small stick jammed between the curb and my boot and the rest of me, thanks to the full speed ahead momentum of the moment,  just sailed right into the air, hovering horizontally over the parking lot pavement, when I instinctively jerked myself around so as not to fall flat on my own face but instead managed to land on my right side, and more specifically my right arm which was pinned to my side, making (in my own imagination, because obviously, I didn't see myself go airborne)  my in-air jerking movement somewhat similar to that of a suffocating fish flopping on a dock kind of thing. 

I was walking with my friend who kept saying "One second you were there and the next second all I saw was your boots in the air"  or something along those lines. I might be trying to block the entire incident out of my mind. In any case, I was instantly overwhelmed with pain, oh my god, I wanted to die , pain. I only managed to get on my own knees because (I really didn't want to die) I was afraid someone would come screeching into the lot and not being able to see me since my own vehicle was in the spot beside the one I was lying in would pull into the spot and crush me in some way I had not managed to already crush myself and cause me additional pain. So, I got to my knees, unable to speak, then I got to my feet and leaned up against my filthy street salt covered car, stifling the desire to puke up the 3 cough drops which had been my only form of sustenance for the day. Then, once I was able to gasp something out loud to my audience (because why fall when there is none there to embarrass myself in front of? That would be a waste of a fall!), which I'm pretty sure went something like "Can't talk. Gonna puke". Also, made jokes about funny bone not being funny, because I wanted to be macho in my despair.  Eventually I had to move because the pain and nausea morphed into the sweats and I had to open my trunk and rip my scarf off and unzip my big fluffy dog walking jacket with my non throbbing left arm.

To make a long story short, came home, passed out on an ice pack, woke up still in agony, got x-rays , nothing broken, elbow swollen beyond anything you want to see, bruising like crazy, shoulder muscles beginning to lock up from the trauma, went to new town chiro who does a million eastern practices too and she (among other techniques)  BLED MY ELBOW. The only thing that would make this story better would be actual leeches, but she did it by puncturing my skin and applying cups, the kind they use in cupping, and holy moly it hurt like crazy and was totally gross as the cups kept filling with blood, losing suction and dropping off into a bucket but when she was done, elbow wasn't swollen anymore! Hurray! 

Then over the weekend things began to move in a good direction with the elbow and I noticed the purple was getting yellow, gross but progress none the less. I did my part and did the arm stretches the chiro said would facilitate healing, ice and arnica and then this week, on Monday climbing down a steep hill I freaking slid in a mud patch because the nutmeg state is coming out of a deep freeze and the ground is basically all mud and I plopped down on my ass in what would have been a nothing fall had my left elbow not tapped a rock and set my whole pain, swelling, bruising, thing right back into motion. Today I went back today for more bleeding and other stuff. 

Did you catch the cough drop reference? I am still sick. I have been sick the entire moth of January you guys. Whine whine whine. I thought I was over the hump, and took the husband to the doc for his post surgical check up (I may have not mentioned that he had a defibrillator implanted into his chest) and noticed there were rubber gloves, purell and face masks on every surface of the medical building. Confidently, I told myself I was over being sick, and then half way through the appointment my cough reemerged with a vengeance and I coughed my way through the medical center. I hope I didn't get any old folks sick. Now I am back to hocking up juicy bits of what just might be lung tissue. (JK)  I hate this. I am so over being sick. Tonight I am going to take some wives tale advice of my polish friend and put onion slices in socks on my heels and try to sleep like that.  Too bad my sheets are clean because I have a feeling........ But wouldn't it be awesome if I woke up cured?!?! 

stuck

I'm giving much philosophical thought to my"career", or more appropriately "lack of career" and how I am making a ton of work, but not marketing it (with the exception of the Review Santa Fe, where disappointingly, no reviewer said, Hold my hand and let me guide through this process with my gentle love and limitless understanding because I believe in you so much it is now my life's one and only goal to see you succeed.  I mean, I still can't believe that didn't happen. wink wink. (but not 100%, because, let's be real, you're reading the blog of someone who is convinced she will one day win the lottery)

anyways.... 

I was chatting with the editor today and was actually trying to whip myself into a different mind set. I need to whip my self into the less talk/more action mindset, but then she went and was totally understanding about my current mindset of talk ad nauseam/no action and didn't stand behind me cracking a whip, like I probably need someone to do right now if I'm going to get that gallery representation that I say I want so much. Part of the problem here is that I don't actually have any idea how to go about doing this. I really don't, other than walking into the galleries with my portfolio underway arm. And everyone knows that they really don't want you to walk in with your portfolio under your arm.  But, you know, I have ideas, so I'll just keep moving forward with the little insane ideas in my head. It would be a normal thing to show up at a gallery where they have no idea who I am and start measuring it for my future show, right? Hopefully, I won't be arrested for trespassing or stalking.

In other news, we saw the SIL yesterday. It makes me sad. Now, I don't have daughters, so I just don't know.... One niece stared at the tips of her hair the entire time. I tried very hard to engage the other niece in conversation but ended up just being one of the pestering adults who asks all of the stereotypical questions and gets one word answers. The whole time I was waiting for the SIL to say something awful to her daughters. I felt like I had put on my boxing gloves before I even left the house in anticipation of it all and I feel like I woke up this morning with those gloves still on.

Speaking of waking up this morning.... You know how you can be angry at someone (your husband) if you dream he cheated on you and not be able to shake it all morning? I had a weird dream with ended up with me sitting on a platform on the back of some kind of very large boat with my legs dangling in the water. The captain ordered someone to push two barrel like things into the water, which was a mean thing to do because I was relying on them somehow and then the captain took off. My legs were dragging in the water, and I was just barely able to hold on and not slide off of the boat into the water. Suddenly I see a large dark shark in the water chasing after my dangling legs and I have to figure out how I can draw in my legs without letting go (since I am desperately barely clutching onto something) and get off the slanted platform without sliding into the water because in my dream I can imagine a scenario where the shark's nose comes up out of the water and is able to snatch me right off the tipping platform. I consider giving up and just getting my own death over with. All day long I've been stuck in the mood of someone stuck on a slanted platform of a fast moving boat with nothing to grasp onto with her legs trailing in the water being pursued by a shark.

 

 

can do

I just wish I could have some period of time where that little nagging voice in the back of my head isn't telling me that there is something I should be doing. 

In my imagination, which is surely wrong, I imagine that stress free scenario happening only in a world where I live as a lonely widow all by myself, in a teeny little house.  As if, there are no dogs to walk (I can't imagine my life without a dog) or bills to pay or something to clean or repairs that need to be done, or doctor visits which need to be scheduled....

I  was going to get on top of some overdue yearly dr. visits I should have done last fall and I finally got around to calling the doctor in question, who would also give me my yearly mammogram referral only to find out that the dude, who I never liked in the first place (Because, this is absolutely legit- He was so weird with the yearly breast exam, touching my massive bosoms for all of 30 seconds each, making me feel like I was somehow violating him with my need for a breast exam.... It made me think that someone somewhere down the line had accused him of something inappropriate and now he was afraid of touching boobs, which as a gyno should mean either a change of plans and taking a teaching position or early retirement... but whatever, I never had any plans on living here forever, so I never bothered to get a new gyno, until he stopped taking my insurance and is asking some astronomical amount for a yearly exam) and now I have to find a replacement for. So, I've been dragging my ass on it. I did get a recommendation for a female (hopefully less knocker fearful) gyno, but never got around to actually making that appointment, which is more confusing than you might imagine since I don't actually know what all was happening within my extraordinarily sick mother.

Did I ever tell you that after my dad died my sister found my mother's death certificate and it listed ovarian cancer as one of the many causes of death? Is it possible my mother had ovarian cancer and never thought she should mention it to her biological children?? YES it is! That happens to be the kind of woman my mother was, so I get to go into the doctor and say that among all the things I know were wrong with my mother there was also this questionable post mortem diagnosis of ovarian cancer, so basically, I may as well have been adopted and just assume that anything is possible. Thanks Mom!

In the mean time, I am sick as a dog. It's the kind of sick where I want to sink into a bathtub filled with vicks vapo-rub while sucking on a handful of hall mentholyptus (spelling?) lozenges. Also, for some extra strange reason I feel like I'm having allergies, which is totally weird because everything is still covered with snow from the bomb cyclone blizzard we had last week. Beneath my thick out of control 20 pound sinuses and post nasal dripping congestion is an incredibly itchy throat and uncontrollable sneezing fits. I'm too sexy for this cold, too sexy.

Anyways, I'm sure there are at least 7 things I thought would make a compelling blog post today which I can't think of right now, but I need to get this sick self of mine to bed. I can't take it easy tomorrow either, because first, I have a dog to walk (best dog in the world) and second, a friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer and she asked me to be her non panicking person and come to her doctor appointments and ask good questions and take thorough notes so she can be as stressed out as she needs to be and still get the information. I can do that. 

 

 

wishes

 Sitting around all day waiting for the procedure to implant a defibrillator into the husband’s chest and pretending to be patient even though the surgery starts four hours after the time it was supposed to start is utterly exhausting.

 We arrived at 8 AM, which was when we were told to arrive and his surgery was scheduled for 10:30. They didn’t wheel him out of the pre-op room until 2:30. By 2:30 I felt like I could explode into a giant rainbow splatter like the colored foam that hits the car when you go to the drive-through car wash.  

 According to the husband’s surgeon everything went off smoothly and without a hitch. They are keeping him for one night which makes me very happy since he’s not allowed to move his arm and I would prefer the nurses be responsible for restraining him. He is quite the active sleeper.

 He will be discharged tomorrow on prophylactic antibiotics. I will have to watch this Allien bump on his chest  where the defibrillator was implanted and his wound for signs of infection. I don’t want to see him being jolted if he should require the defibrillator to do it’s job. In my imagination I can see every actor pretending to have a seizure lying on the ground and uncontrollably shaking and I think that’s what it might look like. But I don’t really know. And I don’t want to know. 

The doctor tells me that only one out of seven patients who have a defibrillator implanted in their chests ever really need the defibrillator to shock them back to life. They don’t know how to determine which patients will need them or can get by without them so they just put  the devices in all the patients whose hearts are failing in the same way that the husband‘s heart is failing. 

 My friend who is a hospice nurse told me that often times when people are in hospice and it is clear that they are dying they ask not to have their defibrillators turned off. They feel that the even though they are in hospice they still want their defibrillator to work. I’m not sure why I shared this with the husband but at least today he seemed think that it would be silly for someone in hospice not to turn off their defibrillator. The doctor told me he also wished he had a crystal ball 

 

probably bummed

I feel like I am coming to the end of this arctic cold spell by slowly crawling over the finish line. Maybe even not quite crawling but more rolled into a fetal position, drooling out the right side of my mouth and rolling clumsily over the finish line, and by rolling here, I more accurately mean, dragging myself by the power of one elbow. It's Sunday night and I've barely left the house since last Wednesday. I can barely believe that sweet pea hasn't turned into cujo due to sudden lack of exercise. She is the best.

Leaving the house on Thursday wasn't an option due to the weather from hell, aka: bomb cyclone, and Friday until right now was just too damned cold. One of my dog park acquaintances shared a weather chart which pretty much said that it was dangerous to take sweet pea sized dogs out under 20 degrees, and that was all I needed to hear. I won't cause harm to sweet pea! She's my freaking life line these days. She is better than any of my 2 legged kids, for sure.

I won't even get to walk her tomorrow because they are putting a defibrillator into the husband's chest tomorrow. So I had to pay someone to show up and walk her. I'm not entirely devastated because there is all this snow still hanging around. I hate snow. Almost as much as I hate winter. But, back to the defibrillator. I am all tied up inkiest over this. I am still not convinced it is a good idea. The husband is starting to get nervous too, which is weird, since I am under the impression that he isn't experiencing much of anything these days. I think right now he is hyper focusing on that he isn't supposed to eat past midnight. He does do some serious eating after I go to bed at night, so he keeps reminding himself. I think maybe I'll have a chat with my guardian angels before I drift off to sleep tonight. I hope they don't kill him tomorrow. I'm not ready to go through that.

And it's winter. I read something about not being able to bury someone because the ground was frozen. Is this true? That happens? The husband does not want to be cremated, he wants to be buried. Everything here is totally frozen. I can't cope with complications right now. Really, nothing extra on my plate please. 

Wildmom suggested that the farthest south I could go and not be in southern accent land is Philadelphia so I am trying to wrap my head around eventually landing in that area. Matt is in Philly. I wonder how he would feel about his mama near by. Probably bummed!

 

 

visioning

It's currently 10 degrees out (almost 11AM), which is way less frigid than the -3 it was when I woke up and realized that today is going to be another day of not getting out of bed at a decent hour because it's so cold out I can't do anything I want to do anyway, and by anything I want to do I clearly mean the one and only thing I ever want to do, which is head out with sweet pea and my camera and work on what ever project I am currently obsessing about.  (It's the tree carvings project)

In my perfect world daytime hour temperatures would never be below 40, snow would only exist for hours at a time, and when I'm shooting light it would be bright and sunny and when I'm shooting with no shadows the sky would be covered in a light reflecting thin layer of even cloudiness- like a big reflector bowl. Also, there would not be human biting bugs in the summer- or another time for that matter. (That means you, ticks!)

Speaking of snow, there is a possibility of snow in the forecast, which makes me SAD people. (Double entendre there. Seasonal Affective Disorder!!) I was anxiously checking the world's most inaccurate weather app (as in the one that comes on my iPhone) in hopes of seeing a warming trend to melt the snow which is already on the ground and got the opposite of what I have been dreaming about. One day I am going to have to turn this script around and instead of getting the opposite of what I hope for I will get what I want. My secret fear is that this some kind of cruel self fulfilling prophecy and that in actuality I do have some kind of psychic mind control over what comes down the pike for me and I am asking for the disappointment by not being proactive about expecting something better. Today I am going to make a vision board. 

Things to put on my vision board:

1. A jackpot winning lottery ticket 
2. Gallery representation 
3. My three kids living geographically close to me for all of eternity.  

I'm pretty sure that is not too much to ask for. (OK, I'm admitting the lottery is a stretch, but someone wins, it could be me! Why not me? I'm just as worthy of a candidate as anyone else who goes out and gets a ticket. However, just incase, I'll be having the husband buy the ticket today under the theory that he has such better luck than I do (exception-health) that I suspect his guardian angels are stepping in with assistance more often than mine are.) 

It's the last day of vacation, which also feels a bit like the last day of a jail sentence. The husband can't physically do anything, he also won't sit in a wheelchair and get pushed around. Josh doesn't want to do anything except play computer games, and I just sit here waiting for the shit to hit the fan with the husband's health and for Josh to go off to college. Really, I am this passive blob of ridiculous patience who kind of wants to stand up and scream about how this is no way to LIVE and force these two out of the house but then, who wants to drag unpleasant people out to do things that they don't want to do? They have the special ability to suck the joy right out of anything I'd like to do so I sit here and do nothing. Gah. This sucks.

Tomorrow Josh goes back to school and the next day I drive Evan to the airport. We haven't seen that much of Evan, he's been hanging out with his friends and girlfriend mostly but I can't blame him. We are so boring, which I already knew but has been hammered home to me by the observation that every time Evan does walk into the room the husband is in the big chair and I am on the couch with the tv on but we are both likely staring at our own individual hand held screens. I gross myself out. But not today! Today I am making a vision board (see above) AND cleaning up in the kitchen. No one will look at my kitchen tomorrow and wonder if I am a hoarder. (As in completely clearing off the kitchen island and table) 

Ok, gotta go find those photos of lottery winners to change into photos of myself.