clickmom

i said bonkers

I can't wait until tomorrow just so all of the end of year donations commercials, emails, letters and postcards stop. It's annoying it makes me feel like hoarding everything. Also, I just want to go out of my mind when stores they'll donate when you spend money there because it's all a big tax deduction for them instead of savings you!! 

Also, we live close enough to NJ that we keep seeing this heroin addiction help commercial featuring Chris Christie who seems not to have figured out that most people see him and immediately suppress the urge to vomit. First, let me say that I was sure he was the self serving bully creep he turned out to be the second he ran for anything the very first time I spotted him on my radar. Fast forward to 2017- You can't play footsie with a nazi in the white house and then expect anyone to believe you're a nice guy. It just doesn't work that way. The united states hates you, so go crawl under a rock. If anything, I'd guess that this political climate is one in which people have lost all hope and now (Oh you, Christie, are partially to blame in this....)  opiates seem like a good idea, you know, just enough to get through this rough patch..... (of hell on earth. Fuck you GOP)  That's how it starts. People think, just a little bit, for now, right now, I need it right now. We have all seen it time and time again.

In the mean time, We are two days away from being back in the routine of school and as usual I longed for this vacation, I just didn't want to hear my alarm go off every morning at 6AM. Then mother nature stepped in with this seemingly endless arctic temperature air and now , even though my eyes open around 6:30 anyways, I check the temp on my phone (single digit) and I just waste time scrolling through Facebook or instagram and then it gets hard to even motivate myself out of bed. Poor sweet pea, the walks have been short (due to my face being frostbite city) and it isn't the same when she and I don't walk with our dog and human friends. One day Evan came with us and sweet pea was so baffled by her two main people being there together that she stayed super close and barely ran off to chase squirrels. One the one hand it's nice when she doesn't disappear because I'm not wondering if she is rolling inhuman feces, but on the other hand she gets the bulk of her exercise either chasing squirrels or running with other dogs, so I prefer the higher activity level despite the potential of surprise needs for stopping at the self serve dog bathing center on the way out of the park. But what I never seem to grasp when I am longing for action is that without the routine of school getting me up and out every day I end up procrastinating like crazy. I need a job. I can't get a job right now, being the husband's full time nurse/aide, but I can fantasize about having a job, with a purpose, and a built in set of people to both support and befriend me and drive me insane with their odd points of view or lack of hygiene or what ever else coworkers drive you crazy with.

I had this fantasy that I'd get some cleaning done over the break and maybe even paint the family room. hahahaha. Yeah, I got zero anything accomplished over the break. I haven't even been able to take many photos due to the temps being in the teens and my equipment not working reliably under 20 degrees. sigh. There is no way I want to stay in this climate. I need to move south- or at least somewhere south of here. Where Matt is it is consistently 10 degrees warmer. That seems like a better situation right now. Interesting to note, that the fall was so mild here that I was actually telling myself I could stay in this area. All it took was one prolonged cold blast for me to think NOPE, gotta go!! Also, there is the issue of snow and how I see snow and wonder how long until I slip and what I'll break, sprain, tear, concuss this winter. 

Yeah, next stop on my ride of life is going to be somewhere milder than here.

Last night it was so clear outside that at 10:30 when I took sweet pea out for her last chance to pee for the night I did not have to use a flash light. I like those nights. I can imagine a world where it isn't 9 degrees out where I take a walk in the not so dark night. But first I'd have to have someone to go with me, because we all know that the truth is I'm a big fraidy cat. I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of the critters that prowl around in the darkness.

Speaking of having a companion for late night moonlit walks, I was having this fantasy about starting over and surrounding myself with people who did not like to sit around the house all day and waste their existence in front of television and computer screens. I felt guilty about my fantasy, but truth be told, this life of sitting around doing nothing (after my daily excursion with sweet pea to the woods) is really driving me bonkers. I can only think the same thing in my head so many times, you know? 

Speaking of what I'm thinking about in my head, I'm getting pretty excited about the writing and photobook combination I have going on. I've got my fingers crossed for a less frigid overcast day in which to collect more images for the book.  I think I'll print out some images today and do a mock up of what I've got already. I'll put it all in a looseleaf binder so I can fill in the empty spaces as I go along. The good part of how I see the writing aspect unfold is that I will be able to insert images and more writing with ease. 

exposure

I am deep within my I HATE WINTER state of mind. I'm already praying for April to roll around. So many good things have the potential to happen between now and April and none of them involve snow or temperatures below 40. (My personal cut off for comfortable outdoor photographing with no gloves on) 

I guess the best thing that could happen between now and then would be a lottery win which would mean I can keep utopia. But also selling utopia, because that would be a gigantic burden off of my already completely burdened mind. 

A good thing that happened to day is that I've been featured on another blog as the Photo of The Day. 

Another good thing that happened today is that while walking in the woods with sweet pea this morning I had a fantastic idea about how to present my latest work. I've been struggling with the what does it all mean?  part of the series. That's always hardest, to really genuinely get in touch with the part of me that needed to make this particular work and figure out not only the obvious reason why I made the images but how how it is relating to me on an emotional level right now. I feel like I have had a breakthrough, which doesn't involve me running around the house like I'm insane looking into every mirror and telling myself what I need to hear. This breakthrough is me really getting to the core my motivation AND having a great idea about presentation. This time around I am going to write a story and use the photos as illustrations. Normally I shy away from trying to dictate how to see a photo to the extent that I do not title my images. But this time, I think I will write a poem-ish sort of rambling song/story and accompany that with the images. I'll get in the zone tonight and write something.  The good thing about getting the writing down at this point is that I can make specific images to accompany the story as I continue to photograph. I'm psyched, I feel like I'm on a good track with his.

I was so deep in thought this morning that I did not notice when my cheeks transcended being cold to being painful to being numb and now, even though I have been in the house for almost 2 hours my cheeks are still getting redder and I can feel the heat radiating off of them. Exposure anyone? 

right there

Lately I have been photographing the things people carve into trees. I thought it was all initials and hearts but once I took a closer look I found it was much more of a look into people's consciousness than who they were dating.  And it's really kind of interesting. Naturally, I have been yammering on and on about it with everyone I walk with and now everyone is crawling all over the woods discovering what has been carved onto the trees.  It's fascinating because these people are there almost every day, just as I am, and yet no one pauses enough to actually see what they are passing by. I'll pretend that it is because of "seeing" that I walk so slow (and not because of knee and ankle pain) and let it go.

I do get a thrill out of hearing my walking friends in shock over all of the things they have never noticed before. 

I wonder what it is like to be in the same place every day and never really see it though. I mean, I don't see everything, the woods is revealing itself to me like an onion, layer ofter layer, but I am always looking at something. I feel like I can always point something out to who ever I have the ear of and they're always amazed because it was right there in front of their faces and they never saw it before.

start looking

I used to have a little macabre display on my kitchen window sill in utopia. I had a bird's nest, a butterfly, a flattened dehydrated turtle, and a little skull which I found in stepford while walking bear bait under the power lines. (That was our open space in stepford! Crazy right?) At some point a squirrel got in (probe through the open chimney flu) and took my stuff! I think maybe he ate the skull and the turtle because he also managed to get some teeth out of the cow skull I keep on the fireplace mantle. (That cow skull belonged to my mom who kept it by her pool in Florida even though mom didn't have any other kind of New Mexico themed decorations anywhere.) 

I was thinking about this because I saw another photographer photographing her own little strange display of found dead animal parts and also because I  overheard this fantastic story while walking down the street in NY last week.

This woman was telling her companion how her sister went to college and got really into anthropology and then started digging around wherever she went looking for bones. One day she came into the house all excited after finding an intact wolf skeleton in the woods behind their house. (This made me incredibly jealous so I began to match the pace of the slow moving couple behind me because I had to eavesdrop know how this story was going to unfold. Also, maybe there would be some hints in it as far as how I could find my own personal intact wolf skeleton. SO jealous)  The sister got some tools, went back to the woods and returned later with the dirty bones which she cleaned and set out to dry. The next morning the sister discovered that the spine seemed fused together and was worried that she had done something wrong in cleaning the bones.  She got on line to do some research into bone cleaning and said she had cleaned the bones properly and did not cause the bones to fuse together. Then she figured out that the spine had fused together from arthritis, except it would be improbable that a wolf could live long enough in the wild with such severe arthritis to be have as much spinal fusion as this poor creature seemed to have. Then the parents appeared to see the wolf skeleton and hear the mystery of the fused spine. Only when the family was all together did they realize that the wolf was not a wolf at all but the family dog, who had died some years back.  The sister had dug up poor sweet old Gretchen.

I'm going to have to start eavesdropping more often be a better listener. There are some fantastic stories out there. 

I miss my old little collection, I miss looking at the skull and recalling the crisp damp morning when I spotted a glance of white in the grass and found it, or the humid day when I was sticky and tired and almost back to the house at utopia with bear bait when I spotted the flattened run over turtle on the road. I wish I knew what that squirrel did with it. Also, I feel the need to figure out how I can replenish my collection. I feel the need to find some stuff. 

 

character

Just when I think I've been in every corner and seen every tree from every angle in the small woods where I walk sweet pea, I get turned around and find a whole other world to photograph. The crazy thing is that these new pockets of wonder are sometimes only 20 yards into the brush- or in the case of the last magical spot I "discovered"- normally swampy but currently walkable (mostly) due to the current drought conditions. When I go into these previously unencountered (by me) places it's like being a kid let loose in a candy store. Everything is so new, so exciting, and I can't get enough. This kind of surprise discovery makes me so ridiculously happy. 

That being said, I've been thinking (in a most all consuming way) about making some of my images into large scale woodcut prints.  The issue which keeps me up at night is that I want my woodcut blocks to print with near photographic quality. Will I drive myself insane? Oh yes I will!! I've been playing with the images in photoshop to see what I can come up with that will work for a wood block print. Since my experience with wood block printing is basically zero, I have to do a lot of pre-planning before I commit to anything, right down to making scale images from which to work. Also, I really think that the best tool for me to carve this woodcut with will be a dental tool and I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I can have one in my own basement workshop to work with. 

Considering my love (NOT) for all things dentisty I think that attacking a gigantic plank of ply wood with a dental tool to make beautiful art would be therapeutic. 

What I should I be doing in actuality? Ummm.. cleaning this house. And probably painting at least one room in this house. I really need to paint our family room. The paint in there is just fine, but I suddenly realized the color is all wrong for the room. And naturally, once I figured out how wrong the current color is all I can do is stare at it and wonder what I was thinking 6 years ago when I chose it and why no one had the courage to tell me to just frigging paint it the nice creamy vanilla white it should be. Which is what I would do if I wasn't so (getting tired of the word sad) paralyzed with nothingness every minute of every day. And by paralyzed by nothingness I mean, that I physically do nothing as I sit on one couch while the husband stares into his iPad from the nearby chair as my mind races through all of the things I should be doing if only I could muster the energy to get my ever expanding butt off the couch. One problem with my painting is that I have to clean the family room up (too much clutter everywhere) in order to paint. In case I haven't openly admitted this to you a million times already, I hate putting stuff away and we are drowning in too much stuff. Drowning is putting it mildly. We need a back hoe and a few dumpsters.

Anyway, Josh's school vacation is coming up and I am trying to decide if I am going to make him help me clean and paint. I think I will. Hard labor is good for a kid, right? It'll build him some character.

contagious

Every once in a while I hear myself saying "I'm a happy person who has been given a lot of shitty stuff to deal with... but I'm basically happy." And then I get all worried that I am actually BULLSHITTING fooling myself, because I seem to be this magnet for tragedy and lately all I think I feel is sad. 

The following exchange happened to day when I was in the grocery store waiting on the line of my favorite cashier. I was just sitting there, happy that my favorite guy was working today, happy that they were playing a good song, and relieved that I came up with an interesting idea for dinner. I noticed that the guy behind me only has an onion, a box of cherry tomatoes and bananas in his basket. 

me Is that really all you have? (Points to his basket)

him: Yup.

me: Want to go ahead of me then? (Not quite as generous of an offer as it may have seen. I didn't want a dude with three things giving me the stink eye if I got chatty with my favorite cashier and took too long) 

him: Thanks! I see you're a fan of the grocery store music

me: (blushing and realizing I was singing out loud... again. I begin to stammer) Oh yeah, that was a good song. I like that song. I'm one of those people who doesn't realize she is singing out loud. (I look away, I'm embarrassed) 

him: And dancing too...

me: (I glance back at him) I was dancing?

him: Don't worry. Your happiness is contagious.

 

 

 

snow

Snow is a four letter word.

I would be fine with snow as long as I didn't have to leave the house (but maybe everyone would just to give me a break from them) during each time period where was either actively falling or covering the ground. Perhaps I'd go out on days when the snow had been completely cleared from all paved surfaces... but you know, the world is a dangerous place for me on a regular day- on a snow covered day it's like juggling knives- not a good idea. I managed to make it through last winter without a concussion, break or tear from falling in the snow. (I might have filled my injury quota with my mid autumn trip on something under the leaves which left my poor already battered knees swollen and hot for months after) But in either case, pretty much a miracle occurred and I feel like the presence of snow right now is just too risky. Also, I don't know where my boot spikes are and I am too life weary to go find them right now. But I might have to in the morning. Seems like going out without spikes on is going to be risky if I go out early.

So, anyway, it snowed the entire day today and I took sweet pea out locally for about an hour this morning in order to snuggle up in the house for the rest of the day, which I did. Folks, I did not lift a finger. The husband put the fire on (it's gas) in the family room and I pretty much had a day long sauna. I'm not complaining, other than the insides of my nose are pretty dried out because gas fireplaces (or at least my gas fireplace) sucks all the moisture out of the air. I'm not complaining, I'm warm and dry. These are good things. I am grateful. Grateful that we aren't homeless yet. SO, yeah, not doing a damn thing. I totally felt like a dude, which was interesting, since I'm normally at least doing dishes or preparing meals, even if I am grumbling under my breath about how everyone takes me for granted while I am doing it. I didn't even cook a decent dinner. I slammed together some sandwiches and tossed some doritos on the side as a vegetable. (not for me though, doritos have milk on them, so tragically I do not eat delicious doritos) And we all survived! Tomorrow I'llk cook some real food. It's just so tempting to sit on my ass all day and stare at my phone, I really have developed wuite the problem here.

I did speak to a grad school friend this morning who I have not spoken to for a while. She told me what a great attitude I have and how I am such a bright light in this world. I said Thanks, thanks as she continued to pour it on pretty thick. I wanted to say, baby, I fight every day just to drag my sad sad self out of bed! but I actually don't really want to tell people how sad I am, so I just kept saying thanks thanks. Could it be that people who have gone through 12 step programs just appreciate people who try not to be too whiny about life? I think so, because for me, my experience with 12 step programs (food addicts anonymous and also OA) is that some people start every meeting by saying I really didn't want to come today but now I'm glad I did.. and I find that frustrating to the point of wanting to slap the whiny out of them. 

Which is interesting to say since I grew up in an atmosphere where no one wanted to hear me complain- about anything ever and I was told in no uncertain terms, if I did dare to complain about anything, that I could handle what ever it was and I should just shut up.  I'll have to think about this as I drift off to sleep tonight. There is a chance I might need to make myself be the whiny person I have bottled up inside in order to be my authentic self- NAH! I'll just acknowledge to myself that life is hard right now and not whine out loud. 

So, here is some good news. The reviewer guy who I met at the portfolio review did put my work on his website- under one of two posts about the best work he saw at the review. He also profiled one of my classmates, and the funny thing is that the classmate he profiled HATED (or HATES) me! It's so funny. The dude that hates me is the one who hated me (while we were in school) so much that almost every session he thought he had said something incredibly insulting to me, and would come to me after my critique to apologize incase my feelings were hurt. Hahahaha. Dude doesn't know me very well because I knew he hated me before our second day of class and therefore never registered a single thing he said about my work. He'd look at me like when I was nuts because I never had any idea what he said to me, and I kept telling him not to worry because I have thick skin, but the truth was I would never give a moment's time to someone who wasn't coming at me from a place where they had my best interest in mind (at least I can say that with half a century of life behind me, it may not have always been my truth- but it actually might have now that I'm thinking about it) and the guy who hated me... I dunno what his problem is, but I wasn't interested in being part of it. Mommy issues maybe? Definitely woman issues. I don't care enough to think about it. 

Now my one problem is wondering how to capitalize on being mentioned on this guy's blog. I wish there was an instruction manual.

 

Put the phone down

 Last night  I brought a Catalog into my bedroom to leaf  through it before I went to sleep. I did what I needed to do in the bathroom I took off my clothes I got into bed and I sat on my bed with my glasses on and the catalog in front of my face trying to figure out how I could see the catalog in the dark. I’m so used to looking at my glowing phone before I go to sleep that I turn the light off and couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to see the catalog. It might be time for a phone break.

appreciated

 

 

It's  kind of strange to me where I am with the kids these days. Part of me blames Matt's college for what I interpret as a distancing I feel going on from him. The way I see it, I sent a loving, hard working confident kid off to school. One who shared with me, who I could spend easy time with laughing and chatting and by the first time he came back on spring break he was looking down his nose at us. He said to me "I don't understand ....You and Dad are intelligent people, why aren't you more politically involved?" with absolute disdain and that was just the tip of the judgmental iceberg. I have felt much judged ever since. I think it is unfair and undeserved (obviously!) and I would never allow him to go back to hipster U if I had the foresight I have now. Fuck hipster U and fuck their condescending attitude.

 

Evan on the other hand was less pleasant as a teenager. He didn't want to spend a minute with me, wouldn't even let me take him to see colleges, and to be honest was mostly delightful when he was misbehaving outside the house because he thought it was throwing me off his track rather than scaring the hell out of me because while I didn't quite know what he was up to I knew he was up to something. (There is a reason why 80% of my gray hairs are named Evan, and the other 20% after the husband) However, in the 2 years since Evan graduated high school, the 2 years of community college, Evan started to express some bread crumbs of gratitude to me. He was hinting at some recognition of my efforts. (as in, I didn't kill him all of the times I wanted to!)  Now, I have to give credit where credit is due. Would have been THE WORST mother had I not been a teacher and gotten my masters in Education. I had some excellent instruction, which I really took to heart, and practice time on other people's kids. If I had just had kids without the training I would have been that pathetic kind of mother who tries to be her kids best friend. (I think, maybe, who knows?) But anyway, point is there was much consciousness behind how I parented my children. And I worked hard at being the best mother I could be, was I perfect? Hahaha, Nope, but I've been hardcore decent. In the end, No one ever could say that I didn't give it my best, which is what I was going for. Today I got this text from Evan. It made my day.

a very long time

I don't know why but I've been thinking about my old friend Bob a lot lately. It could be because the three year anniversary of his death just passed. It could be because I'm just generally sad anyway and this is a big hole in my life. I still get the urge to phone him sometimes. It's such a lonely feeling. It just isn't right. It doesn't make sense to die at 49. When he left our house in stepford for California he left behind a couple of bags, so I have some of his junk. I feel like I want to do some kind of photo story about him, and include the things he didn't take with him to California. I guess my photo story would involve me going to California and connecting somehow with some part of him that lives on out there. It's crazy but after he was gone some of his friends befriended me on Facebook. So, if I did go out there I suppose they could help me out. There is one person I'd really like to meet and that was his old landlord. He lived in some kind of boarding house and he called his landlord "The old lady" and he even learned enough Korean to be able to speak with her. He thought that she looked at him like a grandson. I wonder if she is still around. 3 years can be a very long time for an old lady.