So. I finished printing up two separate portfolios and 24 little books, which I still have to fold and make envelopes for. I'm pretty freaking proud over the portfolios. I think they look great and am practicing (in my head) speaking about them to the reviewers. One the one hand I have such high hopes for a fulfilling session with great feedback and encouragement and on the other hand I am fearful about meeting with people who are apathetic and uninterested, and as these words leave my finger tips I am realizing that I may be projecting my current life situation onto the review. OK. Problem solved.
But my stuff looks good, and this makes me want to dance in my chair!! Yeah baby.
There isn't a chance in heck that I am not going to show up to this review with more work than I need. I am already laughing at myself. I have scoped out my current hang bag, satchel, carry case situation and have this all strategically planned for a couple of things.
Cards and printouts for everyone! (And special little books for reviews or other people who seem to possibly want to further my career) There will be business cards, tiny little photos, and 5.5 x 8.5 postcards. Just about the only thing I haven't decided to bring are actual thumb drives loaded with photographs.
Also, I am going to be true to myself and dress every day of the portfolio review in head to toe black. Bless my sweet little self, dressing in black will help me remain calm and be true to myself. As a kid I never had black clothes and I remember the first time I saw a black shirt in the store. I wanted it like I never wanted a shirt before and asked my mom for it. She said Black clothes for kids? I don't think so... I was crushed. Somehow my little girl self knew it was my comfort color. Also, the goddess told me today that she started to wear nicer clothes (a slick black blazer shoe bought on sale) and wear make up and felt like the world was treating her better. So, inspired by the goddess, I will bring my nicer black clothes with me (hopefully they fit) and just try to put my most artistic and fancy feet (an issue when you have some size 12 feet) forward. Also, I got a hair cut a couple of weeks ago thinking that it would be good to have a hair style that is more styled than the long hair I was sporting which hadn't been cut since last May. It was a tad bit overdue.
The only thing I am dreading is the bathing suit issue. I hear the hot tub at the hotel is a must do event and there is some kind of hot tub restaurant that I'll probably go to gritting my teeth and pretending to be unaware of my extra lumpy body. I don't mind the big as much as I mind the lumpy. Really, trust me, I'm lumpy. But, I'll do the thing I advise others to do and fake comfortableness in my own skin and confidence and then I know in my heart folks will notice less, and in the end I will concentrate on everything other than my desire to blanket myself in anything larger than a bathing suit or hide. It'll be fine. As soon as it's over!! Hahaha.
Evan went back to university this afternoon. I miss him already. I was so ... so... something... when that original plan got changed and he ended up home for 2 extra years and then it turned out that I really liked having him around. He made me feel safe in a way because when he isn't here I feel like the only grown up in the house with a frighteningly ill person who I am terrified about being responsible for. The husband falls often these days and the first couple of times I heard him thunk on the ground after Evan left I turned to call for Evan as I ran towards the husband and it was not a good feeling when I called "EH...." and had to stop myself.
Speaking of kids growing up. Josh said today that he wishes he could vote in the next election, and I realized that in 2018 he will only be a few months away from 18. WHAT THE HELL?? It's like being woken up from a coma and finding out my family is all grown up. I might need pharmaceuticals to get through this. (Just kidding! Seriously, I would not!!!) My baby, my sweet gigantic bruiser baby, sweet sweet baby is going to be 18?? All I can do is cry because I can't believe it's true.
A few days after Josh was born I let the husband drag me to a hibachi place for dinner, where I saw a friend leaving with her almost grown strapping tall 3 young manly men sons and it sent me into a 4 day crying jag. I was crying because I knew that one day my own kids would be not babies anymore and it would happen in a blink of an eye. Dammit. It happened. I think I need a grand child.
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