The husband was supposed to get an implantable defibrillator surgically implanted tomorrow. I told the husband I had concerns, he said he wanted me to butt out and I spoke with his heart failure specialist anyway and he wanted to post pone the procedure so now the husband just might suspect that I am trying to get rid of him.
I'm not exactly kidding, I suspect he may be inching up on the paranoia scale. He is just keeping things to himself right now because a little slice of him knows how insane it all might sound. I can read this guy like a book. (And he hates that!!) We'll see what happens down the line as the dementia (which he is adamant that he does not have) progresses.
In the mean time, still no test results to give a name for this special kind of hell on earth. Might have something in a couple of weeks.
I did bring the husband to his primary care doctor for a flu shot and during the pre injection time where we sat in the doc's office the doc got all philosophical with us and spoke to us a great deal about ethics and decision making. I was quite hurt when the doctor relayed a conversation from 8 years ago he had had with the husband where in the doctor said "If you don't start taking care of yourself you're going to die and die soon." and the husband replied "I don't care." Thanks dude, it isn't like you had a wife and three kids relying on you. Jerk.
But mostly I was stunned by the doctor's suggestion that it might be best to sit back and not aggressively treat every heart issue with all of the surgeries and devices. He spoke a lot about quality of life (I think the husband has close to none and the husband looks as if he can barely absorb the question) and making it clear what the husband's wishes might be. Also, the doctor pointed out the chance of the husband not even surviving the surgeries. I hadn't even thought about that one. Then the doctor talked about the surgeries messing up other fragile areas of the husband's health, like his kidneys and the possibility of living on dialysis if they messed too much with him. I think I'll make a phone call for an ethics consultant tomorrow and see if there is someone who can guide us through this process. The trouble is that this current version of the husband is completely complacent and willing to undergo anything the doctor's suggest and does not have any desire to be introspective about his condition or quality of life. The old version of the husband would have hated this new guy.
After my BIL was diagnosed the husband told me that BIL's terminal illness might not be such a bad thing because he had suffered so much in his life and was in constant pain and did not have children. I'm glad his wife didn't overhear that one. That statement leads me to believe that the husband's one and only reason for going on with this little sliver of a life he exists in is because he has children. Not because he wants to spend time with or impart his wisdom upon the children, because he does not make any effort to even speak with the children. The husband thinks he "should" stay alive because the children exist. There are children therefore he should hang around this world longer. I dunno. So they should see him wither away? Suffer? Turn into a vegetable....
The doctor also brought up issues like being a burden. No reaction. As a matter of fact, anytime the doctor brought up that someone might consider how hard this entire ordeal is on me or the kids, no reaction. Especially to me. I am no one to him.
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