clickmom

disturbing

I'm getting all anxious about the person coming to see the utopia on Tuesday. It would be totally perfect if they just made an offer and we could be out of here. That way I wont have to worry about the house all winter long. It would be so nice to have one less thing to worry about. I know how princess-like that sounds. I am aware of how fortunate I am to have two separate houses to worry about, not that we are in a financial position to have two houses anymore .... 

Once this stage of my life passes I do not think I ever want to have more than one house, but there is temptation to have a warm place to go for a winter house and a not broiling hot place to go for a summer house. I'm thinking maybe somewhere in northern Florida, thanks to their great tax laws and affordable cost of living. The one thing holding me back is the not great health care, because it's not like I'm getting any younger over here and good health care is something I will surely need to take into consideration before I make my next move. 

That is if I can even move at all.  If no one buys utopia I will be stuck with it and spend the next portion of my life hustling to be able to afford it. I want it less every day. I'm not kidding. It's become a dead weight pulling me under. 

Once the husband was back in the hospital last thursday night I stopped sleeping. It is crazy but I go to bed, fall asleep and wake up 6 hours later feeling as if I haven't slept a wink- but I can't go back to sleep. Then I drag myself around all day, sneak in a nap somewhere (by that I mean, pass out in a chair as soon as I sit down) and just do this kind of zombie thing until I fall into bed again the next night. The only time I feel awake is when I go to bed because I don't want to sleep. I think I'm having disturbing dreams. 

 

dogs

So. Things are not good. The husband took a little tumble at the edge of a parking lot and managed to split his eye brow open (three stitches), give himself a black eye, crack 2 ribs and scrape the skin off of his knees, one fore arm, his forehead, palms and knuckles. (not sure how he got both sides of each hand but that man was thorough if nothing else) 

Naturally, I took him to the ER, and they ran blood tests which showed that maybe the heart failure meds were putting too much strain on the kidneys and also probably contributed to his general overall dizziness and now he is off the heart failure meds.  The problem lies in the lack of alternate heart failure meds, there is not a big selection in this area. I'll shoot an email off to the heart doctor this week. The good news is that he was already steadier on his feet 24 hours without the medication. (versus the bad news which is that his heart is on its own now... and that wasn't working out so well for him lately) 

I shot a nasty threatening note to the realtor who hasn't been showing the utopian house and he immediately replied that he had just lined a client up for Tuesday. I do really want this house to sell. Part of me wants to fight for it but the other part of me wants to find myself somewhere affordable where I will not have to hustle to make ends meet. Naturally, I am imagining this person to fall instantly in love with the house and want to scoop it up immediately. Wouldn't that be nice!! 

Right now my plans are as follows: If utopia hasn't sold before Josh graduates, I put the new town house up for sale to move here immediately after his high school graduation. If utopia sells, my plan is to mourn for a few months where I am so deeply and tragically saddened and yet simultaneously relieved of the financial burden that I lose a ton of weight, gain a ton of physical strength and emerge like a butterfly in my healthier less large skin and sit down with a fresh set of pencils (which I can only afford because we sold utopia) and redraw the map for the rest of my life. There are two options here 1. The husband is still around when Josh graduates I stay put in new town for a while because I cannot even imagine finding all new doctors for him. 2. I am a widow when Josh graduates, and I do what ever the hell I want at that exact moment I want to do it because for the first time ever I get to make myself a priority. Not sure how I do that, it definitely does not come naturally, so maybe I'll take a workshop in "How to be a person who takes of her own needs as if she matters."

Part of me fantasizes about putting my favorite stuff in a storage locker, giving the rest away and hitting the road in a camper. Except I'd have sweet pea with me, so technically I have to take into account her needs, like that pesky need for exercise, but she doesn't complain much. Maybe me and my dog will do something insane like see all the best dog parks in the U.S.

At some point I realized that  in my current state of stress/panic/duress dogs make me happier than anything. I can scroll through page after page of dogs doing dumb stuff on the internet and just spew love for all the dogs. When I left the husband in the emergency room the other day after being in there for 6 hours, I spotted a vehicle idling near by. The driver's window was open and there was a cocker spaniel sitting on the lap of his owner in the driver's seat as if he was cruising the strip with his paw out the window. I snuck up on him and took a little snap shot. Then I went over and gave him a pet. Honestly, it was such a sanity restorative act they should pay this man to sit in front of the ER just like that every day. (the spaniel owner was a nice guy too) Yup, dogs are my thing right now. 

still

I'm still frozen.

I'm just sad all of the time, and there is no creativity in sadness.  At least for me there isn't.  

I'm also feeling threatened, but that's political. All of the over the top hate and vitriol that is out there right now makes me wants to curl into a ball while hidden in a cave. I am not even sure how I got to be here because I don't think I have the fighter instinct, I have the lay down and wait to die instinct. I'm not even sure how my ancestors did insanely courageous stuff like live through the ice age, hunt, and build pyramids and that all filtered down into me who just wants everyone to make nice and sing anti war songs with an acoustic guitar around a campfire.

I also haven't been finishing my novel. despite the fact that I declared it was my goal to FINISH this draft over the summer, which is unspooling in record time. I have however, planned a second and third novel, you know, for when I finally overcome the creativity block and my novel goes viral and then the fans want a movie, and then they demand even more...

But, my book. I don't even think my liver is a brave liver. I wish I liked drinking more than I do.

faking ok

Well, the good news is that sweet pea hasn't been skunked in over two weeks. The not great news is that she found another way to stink herself up and rolled in poo yesterday, but luckily I had my de-skunking supplies handy (learning from my mistakes).  I'll tell you one thing for sure, sweet pea recognizes them and she took off and hid the minute I touched the shampoo bottle.

Life is so slow over the summer. It gives me extra time to think and I am ending up sadder than usual. I guess the distractions of every day busy school world were a better head place for me to be. I wish I could get a job. I wish I wasn't both legitimately frightened of meeting a menagerie of ferocious animals walking in the woods here/overwhelmed by the bugginess of it all/experiencing this rotating pain between my ankle/back/hips. I'm feeling especially bad about letting myself get completely out of shape.

Poor sweet pea is getting about half of her usual walk time and I noticed that when I walk on the quiet street which is mostly wooded she stays on the streets with me and doesn't go running off into the woods. She'll be so happy when it's time to go back to new town.

 

than I do

I'm so frozen.

Took a few photos the other day, but I gotta admit. I wasn't feeling it. And those things always come through. When I was back in new town last week I glanced through some older work and as I looked I could tell exactly which days I was feeling it and which days I was just shooting as an exercise. I want to feel it so much, I want to have one of those days when I just know I got the shot. But, not feeling it, even remotely.

I also haven't been finishing my novel. despite the fact that I declared it was my goal to FINISH this draft over the summer, which is unspooling in record time.

Right now the sky is so magnificent. To the West is glowing bright yellow with haze. The East everything looks like a faded water color.

But, my book. Maybe if I could just get drunk for a few days straight. I wish I liked drinking more than I do.

another person

Dammit. I lost a post in which I terrifyingly admitted that it's been about 9 days since the last time sweet pea got skunked and I am getting paranoid that it is going to happen again any moment now. I have a stash of everything I need to remedy another skunking. No more getting caught off guard.

Also, I whined about seeing the attack akita a couple of times and how I had to change course yesterday when the attack akita owner drove past me walking to the area where people take their dogs off leash and hopped right out of her car thereby "claiming" the area and forcing me to walk where I saw the baby bear and a neighbor saw a moose! However, that same neighbor also saw a rattle snake where the attack akita was walking, so pretty much I don't feel safe anywhere any more. I googled it and there rattle snakes in this area and they do like the terrain where the neighbor said she saw one, so pretty sure she was telling the truth. As far as I am concerned, I am doubtful about my ability to discern a rattle snake from any other snake and would probably just faint if I saw any snake. City girl! Just ask me about squirrels and pigeons, OK? Or cockroaches. I have roach knowledge.

Did I ever tell you that I had a friend whose luxury apartment building was so roach infested that she bought a pair of roach eating lizards and released them behind her fridge under the theory that they would breed inside the building walls and their expanding lizard family would devour the roach population. Then her boyfriend kicked her out and I never got to know if her little lizard experiment worked. I really want to know. By this time, its been almost 30 years, the building probably had to be treated for a lizard infestation.

I swam with the sentry last night for the first time this summer. It was glorious. I need a swimming partner. It's so much more fun with another person.

might be nice

I don't know how to not be angry right now. I am so over the top angry with the husband when he does everything the opposite of taking care of himself. I mean, the man does not let up on his mission of complete self destruction for a moment. He is supposed to weigh himself every day because fluid retention is a sign of heart failure. I just asked him if he'd like me to weigh him, since he cannot accurately see the scale and I weigh him every day. He said, Well, it won't be a dry weight because I have already had diet soda and cookies.

First of all, I'd like to rip his face off for saying dry weight to me. Wahoo, you read an article on the internet. You learned the phrase dry weight, which you use half a dozen times a day now, five of which are beyond incorrect uses. Rip rip rip to your face. Except then I'd have to clean up the mess, so I'd probably have to settle for some less gruesome method of violence.

I'm angry at myself for being in this situation where I am married to someone who has no happiness in him. Not a shred. I'd like a little laughter in the mix. I think being mad at myself is probably the worst.  Yup, I know it folks,  I got myself here,. I had options. I could have never been here, I could have left dozens of times, but for one reason or another I didn't, and now I can not get myself out of the situation, I can only wait.

The husband told me that he did internet research and knows people live 10 or 15 years with stage 4 heart failure. Are you kidding me? I angrily told me he could show me "the articles." I can do internet research too, and 10-15 isn't in your future.  Sorry. Can you please deal with it now? Oh, I am sorry, (the brain disease you are incapable of understanding you've got ) prevents you from having any level of self awareness.  ANY level of self awareness. At this point it is physically impossible for you to understand that you are gravely ill. That part of your brain has atrophied. Oh yea, living with someone with a prematurely atrophied brain.....  

What cruel demon gave this man a life of emotional neglect (sorry to his dead parents who are not here to defend themselves, but something had to go wrong in that childhood to turn out a man so broken emotionally) and this mixture of physical illness? He must have been really awful in his previous lives to deserve this one. Maybe he was a serial killing pedophile cannibal or something.

So, the question is , which one of us is suffering? The editor made the case that he is not suffering, as he is incapable of understanding how diminished he is cognitively and physically. She said it is me who is doing all of the suffering because I know how bad it is. For sure I am suffering, as I am prone to freaking out about 99% of every waking moment. But is he suffering? I know the man I used to be married to, over a decade ago might not want to live this current life, but the diminished man seems fine with it. Which husband's opinion counts? The before or the current? And, also, it's not like there is a choice to live or not. So why am I even asking this question? Am I wishing he was full of angst over his condition? NO. I am not even sure where I am going with this. What is it that I want? I want him to say, Look, I know I am on the clock. So let's make some strategies to guide you through this. Here is what you need to know, and here are my final wishes.

He isn't playing my game my way though. After he told me that he thinks he's got another 10-15 years he said he didn't know how much quality those long term heart failure patients had, he said They probably just sat around the nursing home watching Wheel Of Fortune.  People, he watches every night! Right after Jeopardy!! I said Sounds a lot like your life. he turned and hobbled walked away.

Will I ever be able to have the closure I am looking for here? Not a chance in hell. He will not be present for his exit, just as he has not been present for all of his adult life. WOW. What a reality check I just typed out for myself. Not sure why I was hoping for something more. This is a pattern. Will I get the chance at living life with a smile on my face? I sure hope so. 

When my dear departed friend, Bob, spent almost a year living on our guest room, he would escort me as I ran the errands that a mother of young children has to run. What I recall from those times was feeling so thankful that he always lent a hand, carrying groceries or fixing the little things that needed fixing around the house, what ever needed to be done. He was a real gentleman.  Also, I remember how as the two of us would chat away we would both break into song- and it was always together and always the same song. Bob always said we were soul mates. It might be nice to have someone to sing with again.

got to win

Yesterday I was up early so I took advantage and got out with sweet pea. My leg is out of the hip joint, a problem I had during my pregnancy with Josh, except when I was pregnant with Josh it would pop out when I sat on hard surfaces and then pop back in when I walked around on it for a while.  This time around it's been out for days and every muscle in my leg draws in pain as my leg swings freely from the hip and I limp around.  (I am confident that one trip to the new town chiro (which I already have scheduled for tomorrow) will solve this). However, since I am in quite a bit of discomfort here, I decided to take sweet pea for a short (I am not sure if walking in this pain is damaging or not) walk somewhere where she could do a lot of running if she chose to. So I drove up (even though I could walk) to the dam. There sweet pea could be off leash and run circles around me as I hobble around and hopefully use up some of her boundless energy.

Which she did and she was so cute that I posted a tiny video on facebook and then she ran up to me reeking. Yes, folks, for the unfreaking unbelievable FOURTH time this season sweet pea managed to get herself skunked. I have no words.

I put her back in the car, came back to the house to grab my wallet, drove to the store, got peroxide, baking soda and vinegar. Drove back to utopia where sweet pea knew from my stone cold silence something was up. Got ready while she sat remorsefully in the back seat of the car, then I dragged her out of car and over to the hose where I washed her down three times. Once with peroxide, baking soda and dawn, once with vinegar, and once with doggie shampoo. I removed her flea and tick collar because it is like a skunk scent sponge and stinks to high heaven and her real collar because there is only so much a collar can take and it smells a bit too. I brought her to a sunny spot on the dock so she could sun dry and I combed all of the loose, now brownish hair from peroxide washed fur out and sweet pea, for the first time in months does not smell like skunk. Okay, does not smell like skunk might be pushing it. I think I can still detect the stench somewhere on her right side near the spot where her arm pit would be if dogs had arm pits. However, she unsmells to the extent that both Evan and the husband, neither of whom have my perfumer's level sense of smell,  were amazed at my washing abilities and declared her officially and sweet smellingly unskunked.  

I'm hesitant to take her out now.

I did a fair amount of fist shaking at the sky yesterday screaming at the clouds. Is that all you've got? HAHAHA You can't break me with skunk juice! I refuse to be broken! 

And now I'm a wee bit concerned that the universe might turn it up a little more. Hard to imagine there could be more in store for me after my recent couple of years, but you know, a girl never knows. My real hope is that the universe gives up on it's attempts to reduce me into a sniveling puddle who can't get out of the fetal position and turn it's attention on someone else. Preferably someone outside of my family/friend group. What I'm hoping is that once the universe points it's rays of psyche destruction towards some other innocent victim I can slip in a winning lottery ticket purchase. Yes, this is why there are 12 steps programs for gamblers. I truly believe that if I just keep buying those 1 in a billion chance tickets that eventually I have got to win.

PS Josh thought it was hilarious that I thought the girl with her arms wrapped around him was possibly his girlfriend since she is (according to Josh) very gay. 

PPS I did get to see fireworks when the next town over shot theirs so high it cleared the mountains which surround the lake. It was a nice surprise. Normally they are close to hear, and we can see the sky lighting up but not the actual fireworks.

PPPS When I went to the dentist to have the poo crown put back onto my molar they told me that people swallow crowns often enough but that most people don't bother finding their crowns and just shell out the money for a new one. I was confused, having personally sorted through diapers for a number of things like the three missing marbles from hungry hungry hippo. (cough cough Evan)  Don't you have to make sure it comes out? I asked. They said it would come out for sure. I'm so confused and also somewhat concerned that the secretaries for the dentist don't know what they're talking about. I wonder how many people of my town have dental crowns stuck inside of their digestive tracks just waiting to start a problem.

high hopes

Went to see Josh in a camp play tonight. He was great.  All the kids were great. I'm such a softy for a kids play.

But the best part was after the play! After the play the actors quickly get outside to greet the audience (parents that live enough to attend plays and other campers) and by the time the husband and I reached Josh he was surrounded by three girls, one of whom had her arms around his waist and her head on his chest. She was adorable, red hair, blue glitter eye liner. A real girlie girl. Josh was clearly mortified to see his parents, even though I had little snack bag of high sugar, fat and carb deliciousness for him, and replied in the positive when I remarked "You're giving me a weird look. Do you want us to leave?"

Which leads me to the obvious and burning question DOES JOSH HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!?!? Inquiring minds want to know. Or more accurately: NNEEEEEED to know. I need it bad.

Here is the text I am about to send to him: 

Once upon a time there was a gleaming mom, who was gleaming with pride over her sweet youngest son's excellent performance as a suave, sage, rugged, advice giving, Lobsterman at a rocket launch tonight. And she wondered "Why was that cute little red head hanging all over my son? I wonder if my beloved last born has a girlfriend! I would be so happy to hear the truth, because when my child is happy I am happy. I would even swear to never reveal his secret girlfriend to any friend or family member or even to the world wide web. If only my last babe in arms would come clean to me."

I have high hopes for an answer.

 

crown is out

The good news is that the molar crown I inadvertently swallowed made it's exit last night. What a relief! I had visions of X-rays and surgeries. You know I'm a worrier! The bad news is that now I get to have a poo covered molar that was inside of my digestive system for 51.5 hours placed back into my mouth. Savory! The good news is that the dentist told me to drop it off the day before she replaces it so she can clean it and autoclave it and kill anything that might not be mouth friendly for me. It's all so gross, but so much cheaper this way. I guess that's the last bit of good news. Now I don't have to pay for another crown! But if anyone tells me I have poo breath I might faint.

In other news, I told you that I saw a cuddly bear cub, but I heard yesterday that other neighbors have been seeing a moose. So, I asked a neighbor what a person would do if they crossed paths with a moose and she said the moose was likely to charge you so not to get close, which makes sense unless you had just looked up the day before to see a bear cub a mere 20 yards or so in front of you on the road. Seems kind of close.

Also spotted on the dam where I love to walk..... rattle snakes. And naturally the neighbor (why do people do this?) took pleasure in telling me how sweet pea would be dead before I realized what happened if she got bit by a rattle snake, and I probably wouldn't make it to the hospital either. Why oh Why did I ever leave the city?

Oh yeah, Happy fourth of July. I hope you get some good fireworks, like we used to before the new fire chief was hired who put a kabosh on the whole thing and actually gave out summonses to people who set off the only worthwhile fireworks, the illegal ones. I mean, if you want to blow your own fingers off you should really be able to. Especially if you're close enough for me to sit on my own property and enjoy the show without blowing my own fingers off. But that's just my opinion.