clickmom

plotting

Have I ever gone on and on about how much of a morning person I am and how completely unabashedly worthless I am in the evening?  I'm sure I have.  So, it will not surprise you to know that I like to go to bed on the early side, and by that I mean in time for me chill out in bed a bit so I can fall asleep approximately 8 hours before I have to get up because I like getting the whole 8 hours.  Last night I hit the hay and shut my eyes around 10:15.  I left sweet pea lounging on the couch with the husband because I figure the later she goes out at night the better and also because I "encourage" (the not-bitchy word for angrily snap at) the husband to take sweet pea out because most days walking around the back yard is the only exercise he gets.  The other thing you need to appreciate is that when I fall asleep I fall hard, because I am tired at night, you know, like I should be, because ... night.

So, I am as dead to the world as can be at almost midnight, when I feel the husband's cold old man fingers shaking my leg, and I realize that he is sitting on one side of me and that sweet pea is on the bed on the other side of me and I can not breathe because the air is thick with the stench of skunk.  I manage to reach the stage of awareness when I can mumble and he says "I think sweet pea and me just got sprayed by a skunk."  I jump up, because they have crossed a big old serious line in the sand my breaching my sanctuary of sleep with skunk funk on them and I just start yelling at them both to get out.  He takes sweet pea and runs off to the spare room downstairs.  A few minutes later I awaken enough to stagger out of the room and Evan, who is up late doing school work, greets me in the hall and tells me that it stinks in his bedroom and the skunk much have been close to the house.  I can't figure it out, in my half awake state. if the smell is inside or outside or what and I decide to leave sweet pea with the husband in the down stairs spare room and try to go back to sleep. Well, despite not being fully awake I am in an incredible adrenaline rush  and lie there for over an hour before sleep returns.  But it isn't good sleep because I am quite certain I smell skunk right beside me.  Finally my alarm goes off and I am actually awake awake because morning and I figure out that my entire bed (meaning the four various blankets (don't ask) and even somehow the pillow case on the empty side of the bed)  is covered in skunk funk. I don't bother taking a shower because I know what is in store for me and I throw on clothes that are suitable for giving a dog a bath and I get Josh ready for school, release sweet pea from the heavily funky spare room just as we walk out the door so that she does not contaminate the rest of the house and I figure I will bring her to the woods until the place where you can bathe your dog is open.

So I get to the place where you can bathe your own dog and to make a long story short, they don't let you in the door if your dog reeks of skunk!  Somehow you can only wash your clean smelling dog there, so I buy some peroxide at the pharmacy next door, drive back to the house and drag sweet pea into my bathroom, tie her into the tub and proceed to mix up a brew of peroxide, baking soda and dish detergent with which to de-skunk her.  Three shampoos later she was odor free, and then I stripped down and took my own shower and then the rest of the day happened.

Tonight yours truly will be doing the last walk of the night and it will be on a leash! Also, look for yourself, I am quite sure sweet pea is plotting some sort of revenge.

 

especially

I find few things more annoying than Siri apologizing to me or shudder calling me by name. I don't even know how she knows my name.  I just want her to do a better job at dictation when I text without my glasses on so I don't seem like a weirdo sending non sensical texts.  Is that too much to ask?  Fuck you Apple.  I'm not so desperate for companionship that I need a relationship with my phone! I have the trees!!!  Remember?

Speaking of the trees, I am considering making a handmade book out of one large sheet of luxurious printing paper and using only solar plate prints to stamp in the image.  It would mean that I would ink, wipe and place 12 plates at a time before imprinting upon the single piece of paper.  I have two concerns.  One is that the images will rub off onto each other if two prints are face to face (my current layout) and the other concern is that inking and wiping is a time consuming process and I am not sure of the first plate will be still be good to go by the time I wipe off the last plate. I think I might stop by the print center this week and ask an expert.  That's always a good idea, and also, I totally like them there.  They're so nice to everyone.  Which is a good thing always but especially good post 2016 election when people are struggling.  

Me especially.  

I must have been a in WW2 in a previous life because I am having insane deja vu over all of this.  I used to fantasize about where I might move after new town with a dog park friend who went ahead and bought some land in North Carolina and the other day she continued with our line of joking that I could live on her property and I told her I'd have to wait and see how things pan out with the orange one on board because the KKK has it out for Jews and I was not going to put myself in harm's way.  She seemed shocked, like she had never in her life thought that the candidate who pandered to white supremacist groups might create a hostile environment for people who aren't "white."  Yup, it's privilege.  If anything it is quite interesting being a person who can fly under the radar and hear all the nasty stuff people say though.  No one ever thinks I'm a Jew. So they tell me how great this town was before the jews took over or how the town used to be so different because now it's ruined and half jewish, and when I tell them it is 22% jewish as of the last census they tell me I'm wrong.  Which I'm not because I checked before moving from step ford which was not at all jewish and also anti semitic. And those people who think the jews are taking over are so sad about the whole thing too.  Other than the annoying Long Island accent and speaking louder than a nurse in an old folks home I'm not exactly sure what the down side of having a big jewish population might be.  I mean who doesn't love better bagel stores?  Extra days off from school in September?  Really, where is the beef with my people?  I just don't get it.

ghost

I always blame my fear of basements and attics on the fact that I grew up in an apartment.  I avoid both at all costs, which is turning out to be inconvenient since I tried to overcome my fear of basements by creating a work space for myself in the basement of my new town house and after quite an effort making a nice workspace I work in it pretty much never.  As far as the attic goes, I am convinced that animals want to live the attic and I even sometimes hear a bump or a thud coming from the attic which cements my mind set as attic as a haven for rodents of new town.  I've been the actual attic of this house about three or four times since moving here 5 years ago and always it is with the HVAC guy who is doing routine maintenance on the system.  I always let the guy go up there first, call up and ask if he sees signs of animal infestations and then when he tells me everything is clean I go up to see for myself because I can not believe that all that thudding and bumping I hear is not due to my attic being the meeting hall for hordes of raccoons/squirrels/whatever can climb  etc.....  There is no evidence of any animal ever being in the attic.  It's so strange considering the sounds.  

The other day I came in from the garage, which is inconveniently down a long hall away from all of the living areas.  I thought I saw a lanky silhouette of a figure walking with purpose into the formal living room, which we never use, so it was totally strange and also, who was that?  Even the dog seemed to see "him" (not one of my brood- too skinny) because she stood in the doorway of the room he entered silently staring at something while I took off my boots down the hall and made my way over calling to who ever was in the formal living room (you know, stuff like "I've been ready to beat the shit out of someone I can't wait until we get robbed" or "I feel like shooting this gun in my hand") because I was sure I saw someone walk in there, but ...no one, nothing it was empty.  And then it hit me how strange it was that I saw a silhouette and not a detailed person because I was seeing the details on the black dog from down the hall and if anything goes dark in low light it's her, and then it hit me.

I HAVE A GHOST.

There could not possibly be any other explanation because I most definitely saw an actual figure of a man walking into the room. 

I am somewhat disappointed that my ghost is a dude.  I would be hoping for a little kid or another woman to sympathize with my current life condition, or any of the long dead dogs I have loved, but in the end , I am also feeling somewhat conflicted about having a ghost because as anyone knows, I was so looking forward to not having anyone at all around me so I could concentrate on my work.  I wonder what the tall thin ghost man is doing around here (besides making noises in the attic)  I wonder how to tell if he wants or needs anything from us.  I guess the upside to having a ghost instead of a living person is that I don't have to cook for him.  

 

 

really is

Today I did not bring my camera when walking sweet pea in the woods because it was snowing (ok, maybe flurrying) and the wind was blowing everything sideways.  Also, it was totally dark this morning.  Which sucked extra because it was also cold and I hate winter. I did however, walk sweet pea until my chubby cheeks were bright red and starting to sting and then I came home and GLORY BE I was alone in the house for about 45 minutes.  It was fabulous. but then the husband and Evan both walked in.

So, I mumbled something about going to the Y and Evan said "You should" so, knowing he was totally right, I grabbed a bathing suit and off I went.

It was so windy that when I opened my car door at the Y it flew out of my hand and crashed into the car next to me. Luckily it was a spacious spot so the other vehicle was unharmed. However, the side view mirror of the other car managed to put a big dent into my car door. I give up. I did laps for 20 minutes, and I could have done more if my right shoulder hadn't gotten so old all of a sudden. (aches and pains!)  My goal is to work my way back up to a solid hour.  I can do it. It's only been three short years since I swam the length of the lake in utopia which is at least a 3.5 mile swim.

I also went into the sauna, which is not the cozy love filled experience as the sauna at the old posh club was. (Remember how I used to unscrew the lightbulb for a better atmosphere before I figured out the light switch was on the wall right outside the sauna or the tales of me and Mrs. Eating Disorder lounging our opposite naked extreme selves in that sauna and totally being the sauna bosses to all who entered?  Oh, the good old days.) Someone european once told me that correct way to sauna was 100% naked, so that is how I lie there.  There was one woman who came in, took one look at me and walked right out again. I better look up the best way to sauna and make sure I am not offending the puritan old ladies of new town with my over fed body for no benefit.

I've been taking portraits of my dog walking comrades at the dog park.  I'm feeling more confident in my abilities and getting better at directing the shots.  I'll figure out a way to show you here, but I am going to have to hide their faces.  I can tell they're all cooperating because they don't think I'm for real.  Also because I told them I am just challenging myself with a couple of friends because we all agreed that we need to take better portraits.  Which is totally true, but I'm just kind of thrilled with the way mine have been coming out and now I am thinking they might come in to play for some project I haven't realized yet.  I stepped out of my safety zone and am trying to use splashes of sunlight as a tool instead of waiting for safe overcast diffuse light days.  It's working for me.  It really is.

adding coward

I saw the breed-ist dog owner this morning and just turned around and walked the other direction.  Now I am a delusional coward.

This afternoon I revisited the orthopedic group where I went last week after I fell and smashed my knees.  I showed her my painful and still swollen left knee and she remarked on the amount of bruising and inflammation.  So validating.  Really, not sure precisely why but I feel like a big baby complaining even though 10 days later the knee is still yellow from the deep purple bruises and still obviously swollen.  She gave me something topical that is supposed to help the inflammation, so as soon as I go upstairs tonight I'll be smearing it all over my knee.  I hope it helps.  Someone is going to call me about physical therapy to strengthen some muscles (quads and something else) because she said that my knee caps were too far out to the sides and also she said I have arthritis.  But then she also said that it is typical for someone of my age and nothing to be concerned about.  I don't want arthritis! Dammit. I have to go back in three weeks and see another doctor who may or may not order an MRI depending on if it is still swollen or not.

In the mean time I realized that I really really want to swim so I think tomorrow I am going to force myself to go to the Y and swim.  I can make time and hopefully there will be lanes available when I want to swim.

I do a lot of sitting around on the couch lately and I am sure to the rest of the world I appear to be paying attention to the television but in reality I am formulating plans for future photo projects or how to alter the straight photographs I have because I suspect that no one is going to embrace a new comer with straight photographs.  It just isn't the market for that right now, unless you're and old white man who has been on the scene since the 70s, which obviously, I am not.  The thing I need to do is get off the couch and turn some of those brilliant thoughts into actions.  I think I'll goof around in photoshop right now and see how brilliant I can become. On a scale of 1 to 10 my enthusiasm for anything is a 1.  It's trump's fault.

delusional?

So.

I didn't get into another photo gallery juried show and I was feeling pretty good about this one because the theme was TREES.  Trees are like... MY LIFE'S WORK!! I saw the email and I just couldn't ...  I actually cried.  My school friend, who knows the juror, was also very positive and encouraging and now I am feeling .. feeling ... feeling ....I'm kind of angry.  I looked at the winners on line and I feel like some of the work is kind of amateurish or even, like, intro to photography-ish.  But, you know  in the end those photos will be hanging in some gallery for a month and mine won't so maybe I am completely deluding myself.

That must be it.  I am delusional.  

I kind of hate everyone today.  I found out one of the dog owners was celebrating cheeto's victory because she can't wait to kick all of "them" out. She said this to another dog owner, who was offended and the other dog owner told me.  I had no plans to ever even look in her miserable racist direction again and then today she came flouncing down the trail right on my heels and naturally her dog was thrilled to see me (I make sure all the dogs adore me by lavishing dog treats on them) and I couldn't get away from her. She did not express her racist views to me however, she did have a brief exchange with another dog owner during which she spewed some seriously twisted hatred for designer mix breed dogs and also mutts.  Sadly, it was such a bizarre conversation to hear (these two women need more interesting lives, they are spending way too much time worrying about maintaining the purity of the breeds of their respective dogs) that I didn't interrupt and stand up for sweet pea's fabulousness and I regret it. I kind of felt like everything they said about dogs was code for race and if the two pure bred dog owners had whipped out their KKK hoods and done a little dance around a fire it would not have surprised me one bit.  But I will be surely seeing her again soon and I will gently shame her.  I am working on being a good shamer, like the kind who shames by gently and non threateningly educating the ignorant.  But really I want to yell "FUCK YOU!" and jam my middle finger down her pretentious throat.

But you know.  I'm delusional, so might be interpreting things that aren't really there.

Or I might not, because I might actually be the one who is seeing everything clearly.

Who can ever really know for sure?  No one.

beyond the deep end

The BIL came over with his dog today. It's a sweet dog, but it is a crazy young hyper dog and it was so happy to see me that it jumped open mouthed into my face giving me a fat lip, a puncture wound on my nose, and knocking my nose to the side so hard it still hurts 6 hours later.  I can not deal with shit like this right now.  Seriously?  

I'm off the deep end with the election results, so incredibly embarrassed to be an american that when my Austrian friend showed up in the woods with some Austrian friends the first thing out of my mouth was "I didn't vote for him." I needed to reassure these complete strangers. I just didn't want these people to think that I could be so fucking stupid.

I've become quite intolerant of other people in the last week.  Especially people who did not vote at all. Fucking idiots. Have all the privilege that comes with living in this country but don't do your duty?  I don't think so.  Yesterday one of Evan's more air headed friends put some drivel on Fbook about how he just needs to chill and chose to not participate bleh bleh bleh and I read his post and thought to myself how immature this kid is and how I hoped he might grow up to be a more conscientious man. I scrolled through the comments wondering if Evan put anything on there and saw that some girl, who mentioned that she didn't know the guy well, started this patient and informative dialog with the kid and she was just so admirable and brilliant.  She didn't judge, she merely offered facts, little by little, so the air head could take them in in a non threatening way and just kept putting quality information forward.  It was really such a beautiful thing that I could maybe read some guilt creeping into the air head friends responses except he had to keep up with the "I'm just gonna zen and let the world work itself out" attitude, but you know he was totally schooled in a way that was so not threatening it was fantastic. I sent the girl a message telling her what a great job she had done. To be honest I could take a lesson from this young lady.  She was a smooth operator.  I'm going to work on it.

Also, about Fbook, I've been doing a little purge.  Getting rid of the toxic people who I don't really have  relationships with anyway.  Also, trump supporters posting republican propaganda?  Gone.  I'm so done with it all.  The next thing I have to do is figure out a way in which I can use all this free time I have been wasting and turn that into energy which contributes to change in the world. Seriously, the fucking KKK is having a parade!! My evil self hopes that there is a sniper on a roof top for the parade.  That would be awesome.  I also declared to my BIL's wife that I would contribute to the legal defense of anyone managing to take out trump and pence before election day.  Because if that should happen, I would be on their go fund me page as fast as my current internet speed could take me there. I'm going to end on that happy thought.

crashing in

As a Jew I am devastated by this election results.  I have vowed never to utter the P word followed by the T name.  It makes me sick to think about it and here I am praying that something catastrophic happens to him before he is able to take office.  It is unbelievable to me that the racist and sexist and everything else-ist people of this sad and hateful nation now feel like they have a platform from which to spew their hatefulness.  The haters have been validated and are acting out like children against the people can see are not white, but you know they have something to say about me too!  I made the mistake of reading some highlights from the hate groups which are so thrilled to have this evil man at the helm and just about every one of them mentions the jews.  I'd like to flee.  I feel like this is a time when I should pack my family up and go to a safe place, but that place doesn't really exist does it?  Where am I going to go?  Also, the kids wouldn't come with me- they aren't little kids anymore. Matt and Evan are "adults." I can't even believe this.  I can't protect them.  What will become of this world?  

MY KNEES

So, what has it been since the last time I hurt myself?  A minute?  Well, today was the day folks.  I was walking down a path with some people when my beloved (falling apart) hiking boot toe caught on something camouflaged beneath the leaves (a rock perhaps? Tree root?) and I went down so fast that I didn't have time to react and so hard that my camera which I was carrying in a messenger bag twisted onto my back flung itself over my head and landed on the ground next to my face.

My first thought? OH MY GOD! THE CAMERA!! My second thought? MY KNEES!!!!!

Oh lordy lordy.  The knees took one for the team today.  The pain was (is) excruciating.  The waves of pain inspired waves of nausea followed by waves of sweating and light headedness.  I spent the day on the couch taking advil and alternating sides with the ice pack.  I thought I was doing better until I tried to sit down in the dining room chair, which I am sitting in right now.  There is a sharp (unfamiliar) pain in my mid thigh.  I am wondering if one can fracture their mid thigh.  Is that even possible?  I briefly considered going to the walk in orthopedic clinic and didn't, but now I think that I might have to tomorrow. My knees are still hot and throbbing and this thigh pain is brutal. The sad thing is that they're going to think I'm there for the pain pills, which I won't take and I will be there for a diagnostic X-ray which they won't want to give me because for some bizarre reason people look at me and do not see pain. I'll not wear makeup or put in my fake tooth and maybe that will make me seem less like a pill junkie and more like a middle aged klutzy housewife in dire need of an X-ray.  Or will it? Damn.  Now I don't know what to do.

My plan for tomorrow (the most fucking insane bring out the kooks volatile election day in my memory) is to take sweet pea for a limp(hahaha, get it?), get this thigh/knees X-ray over with , vote, swing by the oral surgeon who likes to look at his own work and congratulate himself on what a stellar job he does and then lay in about 4 days of food incase there are riots after the results are announced and I won't leave the house for fear of our democratic lives. Then I'll sit around and wait for the results.  Good thing I kept in contact with all of my non US citizen friends.  My Australian friend told me he has room for the whole family. Yay since I only speak English.

protection being the key word

When I show up at the woods every morning I am one of two moods- either I am in a photo mood, which means I have already determined that the light is what I enjoy and am saddled with gear (that freaking tripod gets heavier every day- I am not kidding) and not interested in in seeing or talking to anyone or I am there to walk and be social and if that is the case I am on the hunt for someone to walk and chat with.  One person who I don't often see (but enjoy walking and chatting with) is a woman who is a therapist. Last week the therapist told me this whole story about breaking away from a group she was involved with to venture out on her own and how all of a sudden people are calling her in droves- she can barely keep up. I said You know why, don't you? thinking it was completely obvious to everyone with the ability to think on a critical level.  Much to my surprise she asked WHY? Then I told her it was because of the current political climate. It's driving people to the brink.  And when I said people, what I really meant was ME.  But you know, I made it general because misery loves company and all I want to do is bury my head for the next week OR week and four years depending on who wins.  

Yesterday the chiro told me that even if satan wins life as we know will not change all that much but I do not believe him and I am quite frightened with the amount of folks out there who are crazy with hatred and anger because I can imagine a scenario where those people are also the people who are hoarding weapons and willing to do crazy stuff if they don't get their way.  It's really getting me down.  And I told the chiro I thought that I had maybe passed the border from sad to depressed (also, don't forget my life, which could be much different right now)  and if he thought that there was some supplement I could take.  The general doctor tried giving me a prescription but I shook my head NO because clickmom does not take that stuff.  I am a delicately balanced flower and not going down that street ever (again).  Did I ever tell you how bottom of the barrel depressed I got from taking birth control pills in college?  It was crazy.  And the one time I did talk a minimal amount of antidepressants for three days I got into a fender bender because I was truly sleep walking from a dose that the shrink said would do nothing for me but was a first step to building up some level in blood blah blah blah.  So, long story short, once I was on antidepressants for three days, couldn't pry my eyes open, had a fender bender, never took them again, never will.  However, I'll try any herbal or homeopathic remedy.

So the chiro did his AK voodoo magic and said that depression was not showing up but anger was.  My eyes lit up and I said OH, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU ANGER WOULD SHOW UP! and then I got so happy because I would way rather be angry than depressed.  It's so tough of me! Can't believe I got them confused. But I really can because I am the kind of person that when I get so angry I think my head is going to explode I cry, so all this crying I have been doing ..... anger frustration.  If there was a maple syrup type tap that I could hammer into an anger vein and just let the anger drip out into a bucket I totally would.  But the crazy thing is that I do not know how to let it go.  I feel like quite the idiot because I hear other people letting go of anger for huge tragedies, way worse than anything I could even imagine and they let it go so it doesn't destroy them, and I want to be that kind of person, but I can't even wrap my head around who to begin to not be angry. I'm suspecting that being angry has to less to do with the shitty circumstance of my current situation (though it is not helping) and more to do with being a dumping ground for everyone else's crazy since I made my way onto this earth. You know?  It's cumulative. It's also probably why I imagine the answer for me being to create my own little private witness protection plan and start over as someone new.  No baggage. I look up to the heavens and wonder, When do I get my break? and I'm starting to think that there is no break unless I create the break for myself. I'll have to work on that. I don't know how to do that either.