clickmom

TSF

A few nights ago I wandered down to the dock while taking sweet pea out for her last pit stop of the night.  There seemed to be more stars than usual so I sat down on the deck chair and leaned back.  Quickly I saw two separate shooting stars, the sight of which always takes me back to the summer of 2007 when Evan and I stood on the balcony of the rental hovel and watched the meteor shower.  It struck me as such a fantastically distant memory.  My mother had just had her big "de-bulking" peritoneal mesothelioma surgery, my dad had just started the experimental oral chemotherapy which bought him an extra year and a half of life, and grandma wasn't even failing in health yet. (memory, yes, the downward health spiral had not yet begun).  For all I knew the husband was fine and my kids were still young and delicious and all mine.  Wow, I feel like I was just sucker punched a million times.  If you had told me then that my mom, dad and grandma would be dead soon after, that Matt would go to college and never turn around, that the husband would start his crazy slow decline that he is in right now,  Evan's trouble, money trouble, my teeth would all fall out...  I might have thought you had just seen some over the top soap opera or I might have crawled into a cave.

I had a really hard time this morning when I was walking sweet pea and I called a friend.  All this stuff, which never seems to end, going down right now is so much to handle and everyone keeps telling me how tough I am and I keep wondering if a woman is tough when all she really wants to do is run away. But I can't run away because I am the sole care giver at clickmom's nursing home for people who won't admit anything is wrong.  

Last week the guy who won't admit anything is wrong had two doctor appointments.  One was with a neurologist ophthalmologist and I was looking forward to some answers, but as always, no answers came.  So.  Whatever.  Next week he has three appointments, one of which is a PET scan and I feel like all of my eggs are in this Pet scan egg basket, thinking it might unlock the mystery of what precisely is happening to the husband.  I mean, I know what's wrong with him, I just don't have a category to put it into to help me understand what all this means, how to progress or guide me in taking care of things.

I'm so frustrated.  Tired, sad and frustrated.

how it goes

I'm so sad and so bored and so pissed at every dentist under the sun these days that I just can't bring myself to post.  There is just nothing great to say.  Been seeing a ton of doctors, still have no answers beyond how the husband doesn't fit into any neat categories.  

My teeth are still killing me all of the time and now I think I am getting a toothache in the very same tooth I began asking the dentist to remove last February.  Thanks idiot dentists, I appreciate you making me wait until my previous favorite time of the year (2016- worst summer ever) to have more pain and discomfort and oh yeeah, it freaking sucks to not to be able to talk, smile or open my mouth without being completely self conscious, but let's only help me when I am in agony so we can slowly remove my rapidly rotting teeth one by one and maybe I won't be able to smile for the next 5 years!!  FUN FUN FUN!! uh.  FUCK them all.  Seriously. In a lawless world where I could freeze time I'd sneak up on them all and bitch slap them right upside their noninterventionist heads so that when I turned time back on they'd all be feeling the stinging pain.

I actually helped out an MFA friend today and drove her back to the old campus.  Do not miss that at all.  Oh no, DO NOT MISS IT and so glad that is over.  I keep in touch with the best people, so that's all I need.

Speaking of needs, hahahaha, like I'm allowed to have any needs!!!!

Damn I amuse myself.

On instagram one of the nicer visiting professors followed me when I followed him and everyone in a while he likes my images and that makes me so happy.

Josh was amazing (as per usual ) in his performance in One Man Two Guvnors.  His next play is in 9 days so that gives me something to look forward to.  

Not much else exciting going on.  I continue to photograph the water's edge just before dusk when we are in utopia, except my window for photographing is short, so at the end of a successful session I may have only a handful of photos, but I think if I get one super winner a night I'm good. Most nights I get one that makes me totally happy.  Some nights not so much, but you know, that is how it goes.

 

slow motion summer

Still feeling completely stuck in a time wasting unproductive rut.  Two things I would have laughed at you at any given moment of my life had you suggested I choose them as my profession: nurse and chef.  Guess what I have become.  I can't even tell you how many times a day I look to the heavens and ask REALLY???  

In the spring (pre husband hospitalization) I imagined a summer where all I did was lounge on the patio and take pictures of the passing clouds.  That's what I thought would be appropriate for my possible last summer in utopia photos.  But it is nothing like that.  I can barely even look up!  Instead I have been photographing in the pre dusk low light taking long exposure photos of the edges of the shore.  With the long exposures the water blurs and becomes a hazy soft white cloud like area in the image. I could photograph long exposures all day long if I went out and bought the right kind of filters for the camera, but to me that is cheating.  Also, a long exposure in the middle of the day would have inauthentic light for what I am doing and the time before dusk seems important to the concept of this body of work.  Unfortunately most of our shoreline is crowded with shrubs and young trees but last night I got bolder and trampled and pushed my way through some growth in a less dense spot and I think that will be my approach for now.  I've already photographed the accessible areas.

Photographing only on the property seems like the right thing to do conceptually.  I tried to photograph from a public area last night and my heart was not into it. I think that my lack of enthusiasm showed in the photos.  Sweet pea, on the other hand, had a total blast thrashing around in the shallow still waters (which we don't have here around utopia) so I will for sure return to that place just so she can have some fun.

or something

I think about writing here almost every day but the truth is that I am so sad and so overwhelmed right now that it's too much.  the thought of deciding how much underwear I need for the week makes me want to cry.

The husband has become my constant (disabled) companion and the truth is that I am just not that social or friendly of a person.  All I really want to do is be free and alone and go make photographs, so pretty much every second of the day I am either numbing out by wasting time staring at my phone or thinking about the work I could be making if I didn't feel like I was anchored to the house.  It's not a good feeling.

The truth is that I could leave him alone, I just feel guilty for doing so. Also, I know he won't prepare food or otherwise take care of himself when I am not there and I am somewhat afraid that I will return to find him on the floor or something.

This sucks

Empty

Sitting on the porch getting drunk while a thunderstorm passes over head. This is heaven.