Do you understand what I mean when I say waiting for the nothing that is something? I am always waiting. I am waiting for no one to need me. I am waiting to own the hours of my day. I am waiting to choose to do what it is I would like to do instead of what I have to do because it is my job to take care of the people around me.
It scares me when people say "Live every day as if it were your last day" because I live every day waiting for the day I get to live all for myself. If I knew that my time was up I'm not sure what I would do. If I knew that my time was up I don't think I would go out and photograph. If I knew that my time is up I don't think I would be printing photographs. If I knew that my time is up I wouldn't be driving over to the printer to talk about making a new book. I would like to be in the position if I knew that my time is up that I could hand all these photographs and books to the people I love and say here remember me when you look at these photographs and books. Remember me through my art. But if my time is up tomorrow I wouldn't be making art today.
If I knew my time was up tomorrow I'd sit on the couch and tell my kids how much I love them. I guess I do live every day as if it were my last day it just doesn't feel very satisfying to live this way .
In the meantime I have barely slept for three nights because I have been having strange guilt ridden anxiety dreams. I'm hoping that my state of utter and complete exhaustion will get me through tonight without waking me up four times feeling as if I'm the worst person in the world.
Last night the one dream i remember involved me taking a spin class with inappropriate gym clothes, claustrophobia, shamefully kicking a fellow spin participants frozen beverage and getting called on it and neglecting Josh who was an infant in a stroller by almost freezing him to death and berating myself for being an awful parent.
Even I can't seem to give myself a break.
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