clickmom

we make stuff up

Holy mother of all illnesses, I am freaking sick again.  It is a little bit reminiscent of last June's delightful bout with pneumonia and that puts the fear into me.  No more pneumonia!!  I average one case very 8-10 years, so last June's two weeks of staring at walls coughing up my intestines should qualify to get me close to age 60 when hopefully all of my children will be enjoying their completely independent lives and I will be enjoying my second half century as talented and acclaimed photographer of everything.  If I get it when I'm 60 I can just check into the hospital and let nurses wait on me.

I am trying very hard to have my thesis work/book printed, and when I did not hear from the printer about profit images I called him last week to find out that there brand new top of the line technology orgasmic printer is already on the fritz.  Dammit.  I'll call again Monday and let them know I mean business when they're up and running again.  I need those book babies before 1/9, when I think I will have the reception for the "outdoor exhibit" I was privileged to participate in.  I use quotes not because it isn't really outdoors, but because it is not "real" photos, but cheap laminated imitations stapled onto the particle boards surrounding the construction site next to the actual gallery.  My hopes is that my work will be so well received and I will be such an angel to work with that other galleries might start watching me.  You never know.

When I finally have an actual copy of the book I'll let you know.  I know Mitzy is dying to see!  I'll post a video of the pages being turned.  

I am getting more books than I probably should because the printer gave me estimates for 100, 150 and 200.  I was thinking 50, but they discounted each step up in quantity so much that I felt like I didn't want to ask how much per book for 50 since it would have made me angry.  I totally feel like the whole thing is a rip off.  Like buying cars is a rip off because they don't just come out and tell you how much the car actually costs, they have to test you and see how much advantage they can take of you and I, my friends, have SUCKER written in big block letters right across my forehead.  It's something I should probably learn to overcome in this second half century.  

Here is my concern of the moment: I have so many future photo projects bouncing around in my head that I am concerned that I will go in too many directions too soon.  I think the world is more comfortable with your work when it has some consistency and the world can say "Ah, yes, this is so her!  She did it again!" and all of those ideas in my head are not consistent in the least.  As a matter of fact, the body of work I made surrounding Evan's crisis this fall isn't even remotely similar to the thesis work, and what I want to next is in a different direction as well.  It's a concern.  i wish I knew one person with whom I could sit down and ask their opinion on this matter and get an unbiased answer.  I can certainly do more of the same as my thesis work.  I actually have more of the same already.....   But which is the best route to take?  I'd like a concrete answer.  Oops, there aren't any, are there?  I forgot this is art.  We make stuff up as go.

possibly my down-est post to date

This afternoon I posted on Facebook that I had made a submission in a photography portfolio contest.  No biggie, right?  I just happened to notice how many people "liked" my post, and I gotta tell you, in my mind those that like my stuff get elevated to super nice person status.  I can't help it.  It's not as if I have a list of people who don't aggressively like every post I put up there, it's just that those who do like my junk really somehow tug at my cold dead shriveled black heart strings.  AAA.  I heart me some Facebook friends.

Which brings up another topic, work.  I feel like I should "go back to work" even though at this point I feel like the work I used to do (teaching) might just be the end of me.  I am surely qualified to to teach having a master's degree in both elementary education and fine arts, it's just that I don't want to deal with people, like kind of ever, in a "I'm torn between declaring myself a hermit or volunteering for outer space exploration kind of way."  I know I could totally kick butt as a portrait or event photographer but that would mean so much talking to her people.  Ick.  Maybe I'll just start slowly with young people I kind of know, since I don't know all that many young people due to my kids not being so little anymore.  My neighbor has some real cute kids.  Maybe I'll go over and stalk them with my camera for a bit.  On second hand, she is not one of the folks who likes my stuff on Facebook.  Hmmm.  Might have to charge a sitting fee.  Bah ha ha ha.

Speaking of people I think it might be time for me to get some portrait work done for art's sake.  I have to face the fact that portrait stuff is hot in the photo art world and I think I know just what I'm going to do.  Portraits of folks in the dog parks!  How could they say NO to me?  I have a cutie pie sweet pea dog! Also, they should know by now that I'm insane see here and here and if I ask them for any favors they should tell me alright just so I don't go crazy on them.  Right?  Right?  

Yeah, I'm like totally over people, which I know would probably last exactly 7 minutes in real life.  I like to talk too much.  Duh.  I have a blog with an audience of three that I keep writing and writing on.  I guess I'm just cranky.  And who can blame me, the weather has been so mild that I am a nervous wreck waiting for el nino payback and to be honest, the last few days leading up to christmas are a real drag for non-celebrators.  Oh yeah, then there is my life which is not even close to how it was supposed to be  and I am totally fixated on the difference between what I expected for this time in my life and what was handed to me.  Talk about useless feelings.  Jeez.  I seem to be the queen of wasting my own time these days.

I will be hosting christmas eve dinner at utopia again this year, but that's also a bit of a bummer since we are about to be as broke as my broke ass (still hurts incase you're wondering.  I should probably get an X-ray and see exactly how broke this is. My guess is not a fracture but an actual broken tailbone floating around in my ass meat.) and I just want someone to come along and make us a reasonable offer.  Please, universe, do not make me spend another summer up in utopia being sad that it is my last summer there.  I'm ready to let it go, just send that person around to take it from me.

still crazy, not in the fun way

So, the other day I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed because when I brought sweet pea to the fields and this one dude's overly aggressive dog went for her and he lamely called out "nu-oh ...... nu-oh" in a whiny sing song wimpy (not authoritative) kind of way I leaned over yelled the dog's name twice with my dominance voice, yelled NO! and then when she looked up into my eyes I yelled in a booming growling dominate the dog voice "If you hurt her I'll fucking kill you!!"

 

Yeah, that happened.

Not my proudest moment.

Pretty sure I sounded like a raving lunatic.

And to be honest, I kind of shocked myself when the death threat came out of my mouth. That little tiny barely there voice of sanity said "Whoa, baby!  You sure about that?"  But the thing is that in the moment I totally meant it because my mind was zipping forward and I could imagine how I was going to destroy the nasty asshole dog if it should go after sweet pea.  Had I seen a single drop of blood I am pretty sure I would be defending myself in animal court these days.

Now I am not only the freak of the forest in the woods where I "have relationships" with trees, but I am the crazy homicidal (canine-icidal?) screaming lunatic of the fields. 

 

AWESOME!!!

I went to party last night. Technically it was a cookie exchange, which I normally would not do, because I shouldn't eat those glutenous dairy filled delights, but last night I was more interested in meeting new people, especially any kind of artists, feeling like probably I should have put some effort into making friends when I moved here four years ago.  I did meet one nice woman who works full time in the city and has a doting husband who stays at home with her kids and has become a gourmet cook as a SAHD.  I will never be real friends with this woman.  We will never be able to understand each other, especially after she said that she had intended to buy the cookies she didn't have time to make but when she got home from work on Friday there was an adorably dressed box (including tissue paper and a bow) of perfect looking butter cookies dipped in chocolate that her husband prepared knowing she wouldn't have the time to do that herself.  It was at that point I knew I wasting my time chatting with her.  Unless of course it turns out her husband is actually gay because tissue paper and a bow (?); and in that case he and I can be besties.  

I did meet one print maker at the party, and I might possibly run into her at the print center (had the weirdest feeling I had seen her before, so thinking I actually may have already) and that fun-crazy woman I did tequila shots with the night I actually went out and saw a play, which I don't recall too well because tequila shots.  I did end up being one of two last guests to leave, which was good because the cookie hostess is someone I'd like to get to know better (despite her envious flat stomach and 26 inch waist).  The hostess is a fabric artist, and she is also a musician and has a great outlook on life.  Yeah, I totally need to hang out with her more.

My goal for tonight is to stay awake and alert long enough to watch the season finale of Homeland which I missed by being the last one at the party last night.  I can't waste time looking at Facebook until I watch it because as soon as I saw one spoiler posted there I shut that down! 

I'm totally not sleeping well these days and waking up with a headache most of the time.  I figured out the reason why.  I have been sleeping with my unaligned jaw clamped shut and every muscle in my head is just on the verge of snapping like a rubber band.  Today it is not so good to be me.  I wish I could be someone else for a while.

Also, I got in the car with sweet pea today and wrongfully accused her of farting.  When the stench hung around for way too long I realized it wasn't exactly her personal stench and also that the smell was coming from down by my feet, helped along by the heater which was set to blow down in the foot well.  Yeah, right up the side of my new suede boots and everything.  I'm too sad about that to do anything.  But my boots are on the front porch in hopes that the boot fairies stop by tonight and magically refresh my boots back to factory settings.  I'll deal with it tomorrow.

 

i couldn't sell water in a desert

Yesterday there was book bazaar at a NY publisher.  My MFA program got a table and we took turns sitting behind the table and chatting with the people who were browsing photobooks.  At least, I tried to be chatty.  I thought it might warm people up to buy some of the books.  One lady came through and she was very expensively dressed, so I figured she might be a wealthy art aficionado so instead of dishing it with the guy on my side of the table I turned to the lady and told her she was looking at the book of the most talented photographer on the table. (It was the guy sitting with me and I didn't have a book to sell!)  She got to chatting with the guy about his project and just when I thought she looked like she might be gearing up to whip out her wallet she leaned forward and said to the guy "Can I ask you a question?" He politely told her of course she could.  She then tells him how she recently discovered she could take great photos with her iPad but was having a problem since sometimes she could take a photo of sunset and it came out fantastic and sometimes there was practically nothing there.  She was killing me!  I couldn't wait for her to finally walk away so I could laugh about the iPad lesson she asked my very talented photographer friend to give her.  Some people sold a few books, nothing to write home about, like nothing to a critic or book publisher.  In the end my friend who was nothing but gracious and helpful to the iPad lady sold a bunch of his photobooks (in a disappointing way it was the subject matter people were relating to more than his photography) and in the end he turned to me and with a big smile on his face declared that he had broke even on his NY parking fee, so the day wasn't a total loss.

In other news, I have mentioned that Siri and I have a strained relationship.  I hate it when she says "I'm really sorry about this...." because machines can't be sorry!  What twisted fucker thought of that??  Also, Siri can barely understand what I say.  It's pathetic in a "I could so easily take a hammer to you if your replacement didn't cost $600 dollars!" way. And then the other day when I asked her to read me a text while I was driving she read me a text from Evan asking if I'd pick something up for him on my way home.  When Siri asked me if I wanted to reply I skipped the step where I am supposed to say YES and wait for her to ask me what I want to say and instead said my answer to Evan which was I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT and Siri, who is more accustomed to me saying something violent and foul that would get this blog an R rating replied "WHO ME?"  I laughed and I felt like for the first time ever I didn't want to smash that damned phone voice into glass sand.

There is another book fair in February in LA and the school has a table for that too. Someone said LA is a particularly tough crowd.  I'd like to go and I'd like to impress important people with my work (like maybe a gallery owner). I have two months to figure out how to be a better sales person behind a table at a book fair.  Maybe Siri can help me with that, you know, now that we might be able to be friends.

freak of the forest

Yesterday I was walking on the trails I have photographed for the past year with some other dog owner friends. (Typically I refer to these folks as my "dog friends" because that is our shared interest)   They all know I was taking photos, but I'm not sure if they realize what a serious experience the whole taking photos thing is for me.  We came across an old rusted bike chain hanging off a little stand of trees that I happen to know well because I have photographed it more than once in an effort to get just the right shot (haven't gotten it yet) and my friend said "I wonder how long that's been there"  To which I replied "It hasn't been there long.  I know this tree."  And they all looked at me strangely.  Feeling uncomfortable and completely not thinking before I opened my mouth I continued "I've photographed this tree before.  It gets mushrooms up the side of it. We have a relationship."  

And now I am the freak of the forest.  Nice to meet you too.

frowny face

Today was kind of a big day for me.  It was the first day in like ... 2 months (as in the 2 months since I broke my ass) that I wore my jeans instead of exercise pants.  I just couldn't face the exercise pants for one more day.  For real.  Which is surprising because I always thought I could just live the winter months through in soft comfy -just like pajamas but black- exercise pants. but nope.  They were wearing on me.  Also, I have been on a total comfort food binge for two months now and was afraid of even going near the jeans.  But alas, they zipped, barely, but they zipped. My broke ass is s.l.o.w.l.y getting less painful. Pretty much the only time I find myself needing to breath through the pain is when I've been sitting on the couch and am getting off the broke ass. For some reason, the broke ass getting un-couch-squished is the most painful thing.  Also, getting out of my vehicle.  The seat in my vehicle, holy shit. But I haven't been going too many places so that isn't so bad.

I decided I was going to be the kind of old lady who swears like a truck driver. instead of the kind of old lady who swears like a truck driver mostly only when driving and the recipient cannot hear me and can only imagine what I might be saying by my passionate gesturing. I think it might be psychologically necessary for me to let verbally loose more often.  Especially these days,  You know why.  Am I right?  I earned it by not having a total complete nervous breakdown, right?  I can't want to tell some one to f#ck off to their face.  I'm just waiting for the right minute.  You know what I mean by the right minute, when it's someone I am absolutely positive does not have a concealed weapon and also that I can take in a fight.  Maybe I should volunteer at the local senior center.  Or preschool.  Some old people might be carrying.  JUST KIDDING!!! 

not again, please?

I had an incredibly fantastic day yesterday.  It was just about perfect from start to finish.  I went into the city because the one task I had was to see the phonebook editor who gave some classes at my MFA program. What a great lady!  I got in early, the extra traffic taking exactly the amount of time I had allotted for extra traffic, and had a lovely lunch with my friend from school.  Then we strolled through a photo gallery before I went to see the editor.  She looked through my work around Evan's big crisis of late, and seemed to really like the work.  She helped me edit out some images, and then sequence the rest, even giving me some advice about page layout and size.  It was interesting though, because she felt that the size I had printed my proofs in were just about right. And so did I, so that worked for me!

I realized that my brain has been going full speed ahead with quite a few different ideas and that I need to just step back and slow down, take a breath and give those ideas time to grow and develop.  There is a chance I am in such a rush to do everything because I am unconsciously making up for lost time.  I'll accept that.  I sometimes consider how it is strange to be a 50 year old starting out when I have considered myself to be this "photographer" for so long.  Just want to dive into the whole process and life and be completely there. I want to hang out with artists and photographers and talk about nothing but art and photography.  I want to be that person who has to remind herself to stop talking about all this creativity stuff instead of the person trying so hard to find someone to listen to some photo talk.

Come to think of it my dog park friends are exceptionally patient about listening to my photo related chatter.  Sometimes I'm just so psyched about something that I hear myself going on about it.  I guess we all do that.  I have one dog park friend who tells me in details how she prepares the magnificent meals she feeds her family  I think she's cute, and also I want her to feed me too! 

In the world of I am always on edge about breathing, (aka: my achilles heel) I have this weird feeling that something is brewing in my lungs. I actually feel a strange sensation in my right lung, towards the top of it and I think that if I go to a doctor telling them that my lung feels weird I will automatically be dismissed as opposed to being marveled at like the strangely in touch with myself on a cellular level person I creepily am.  I am begging the universe not to give me pneumonia again.  I don't want pneumonia AGAIN!!