I looked so freaking happy in my Facebook profile photo that I was about to stab the computer screen. So I changed my profile photo to an old out of focus (literally, I didn't use a lens on the camera!) photo of a tree.
I'm hanging on by a thin thread these days, still fighting the urge to get into bed and stay there until my life seems like a happier place. Yes, I know I have the power to change my outlook. What I do not possess is the power to control all of the details which feel so overwhelming that I want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head in the first place. The whole Evan disaster has me on a yo yo of an emotional roller coaster. like you can't believe because the truth is that I couldn't have imagined this 30 seconds before it happened to me. But I will tell you something, once my own drama subsides I need to get out there and make a difference for the people who come after me. I have seen how the legal system works and it is designed to crush the human spirit. Not good folks. Not good.
Do not get me started on the husband who is now on disability and pretty much doesn't leave the house. My youthful idealistic deal with him was that he was never ever even allowed to retire unless he had some kind of alternate hobby plan in mind which would take him out of the house for at least 10 hours a day. Now, every minute he is sitting on the couch, in my house, controlling the television, making me listen to all day news propaganda channels or the IDIOT sports broadcasters, or worse .... yelling at the players on the screen, and generally being a presence when I require solitude and zen peacefulness during always but especially during this time of broke ass and crumbling spirit when I can barely lift my own depleted soul out of bed every morning. Dammit. This sucks.
I am worried about Matt and how it seems like he isn't ready to be an adult (aka:get a job) but also not willing to go back to school (like I encouraged him to do and I suspect because I encouraged him). And then there is the part where he doesn't realize that young men without jobs (at least lucky young men whose parents haven't kicked them to the curb for being freaking dense about the realities of life) have to live in their parents houses because they don't have the money to pay for apartments in cities where they decided on a whim (Which is what I am assuming since he would not really discuss with me the reasoning behind his desire to live in said city other than the vibrant art scene as opposed to the cultural wasteland he believes we have here in new town) they would rather live even if they can't find gainful employment there. I do not feel like I am being unreasonable. Also, in lieu of the other crap (Evan and the husband) I feel like he should quietly and agreeably do everything that I think is best for him because I can only handle two crisis level situations and a broke ass at one time.
Thanks god for Josh. Sweet sweet Josh is doing exactly everything that is expected of him and I suspect terrified to complain lest my head should explode and cover both his precious lap top screen and a five mile radius around my current location with a fine mist of overloaded brain splatter.
I was walking sweet pea and thinking about how the photo world tends to grab onto someone and just celebrate the hell out of them. I could stand getting up on one of those pedestals for a while, and the timing of right now (when I am scraping the bottom) seems to me that it would be especially appreciated. I gotta get my marketing skills up to speed. Yes I do.
Comments