clickmom

setting fire

I hosted a tiny little thanksgiving this year (9 people) and I will admit it was the easiest thanksgiving since Evan had the swine flu and it was just the five of us. The nicest part of the whole thing was not having to drag extra tables and chairs up from the basement. A utopian neighbor joined us and I am actually quite concerned about the guy.  He is a gruff kind of guy but he was inappropriate the entire night.  Mostly talking about sex and sex related things, but at one point I thought I might have to revive Matt he was trying so hard to keep the uncomfortable laughter inside. As uncomfortable as it made all of us, I think it might be a sign of something bad happening.  Not sure who I can reach out to about it, since the guy was at my house and not the home of one of his four kids I assume there is something not great going on in his family.  I might phone his girlfriend, but I just don't know what to do.  I'll phone the girlfriend.

In other news, I have printed out copies of many of my latest photos to go over with the editor from NY. I'm seeing her Wednesday and I can't wait!  To sit around and discuss photography, my own photography, for a couple of hours with someone who doesn't have it in for me is going to be amazing!! Speaking of people who have it in for me, I checked my final grades from last summer and those assholes gave me a B+ for my thesis defense which was so brilliant that afterwards every female ran up to me and declared their desire for a defense just like my own.  I would not be able to describe the amount of sexism and favoritism that was happening in that program without sounding like some kind of radicalized feminist extremist.  S O   G L A D   I T' S  O V E R!!! 

I might do something hilarious with my diploma, which in the end is a huge gesture of a meaningless scrap of paper. My wheels are turning, I just haven't decided yet. But fire keeps popping into my head.

smelling flowers

Last night I woke up either every 45 minutes or every 90 minutes after having some kind of bizarre alternate reality dream.  I only recall the final dream I had.  In this dream Josh kept stealing my sweaters, which was annoying the hell out of me because not only did I need them due to it being cold outside but I didn't want them back because Josh smells like a 14 year old boy, and that means, well, smells.  I love my sweet baby armpit Josh, but I do not want to smell like him.

Today, like practically every day I am dragging myself tired because of all the dreaming last night.  Tonight I'll put a pad and pen next to my bed and that will probably insure that I have no dreams at all.  That's how I roll folks.

Thanksgiving will be different this year. No family outside the five us, pal and his husband and two lake neighbors who are not of the same political persuasion.  I think we can avoid talking about politics.  The sentry was going to come with her husband, son and grandson, but the son did something to his knee and is now awaiting surgery.  No stairs for him.  Can't come to our place.  It would be very difficult.

For the first time in forever we will all fit around my table with no added on tables or extra chairs smashed in.  It's gonna be weird!! Also, I bought excessive amounts of turkey before the sentry and her crew cancelled so now I have twice as much turkey as we could possibly eat.  That's fine though.  I like turkey leftovers.

I've been preparing photos for my big get-together with the NY editor and I have purposely kept my whole series I shot on utopia out of the running.  I feel like that is a completely separate body of work and now that I am not in school with advisors who do not teach I can do whatever I want with my own work and that feels freaking fabulous! I will own up to a little tiny pang of jealousy when the current students were posting photos of their latest school session, but I think that is because of my very human ability to down play the pain of the psychological torture which was part of the whole process.  Sometimes I realize that when I try to explain to people just how insane it all was that I end up sounding like the crazy one because it seems so unreal that someone in such a powerful/responsible position could get away with some of the things he gets away with.  So, I stopped talking about it.  Mostly.  It depends on how much I've had to drink.  Just Kidding!  We all know that I don't drink, unless it is Thanksgiving and I am desperately trying to drink the husband's entire wine collection before we sell utopia.

what will she think

I've been a strange holding pattern here. So sad and straddling the line of depression because of all of the new complications with family members and not entirely inspired but still wanting to make art.  I take my camera when I think the light might be right but it isn't often the right kind of light these days.  The weather isn't cooperating.  I feel like I need to make art that isn't weather related, and then I feel like I need to get a job.

Josh performed in his first high school play and the practice and performance hours were insane.  Totally ridiculous for kids who also have to go to school 6.5 hours a day and do their homework.  But Josh kept it together for the whole time and prevailed with great attendance, a solid GPA and as good of a performance as a guy can give who has been relegated to the ensemble (he was also an understudy for another role, which meant he had to learn a second role for nothing.  I hope he gains cred with the teacher/director for that) and also since he is a big strapping guy in charge of moving set furniture before and after every scene. I'm totally proud of him for not cracking under the pressure.  I might have.

I did go into the city one day last week to see an exhibit at a gallery.  I was so glad I went in because I loved the work I saw and also because it really got my wheels turning on some techniques I can use in my own work.

On my list of things to do is to make an appointment with the NY book designer and get her opinion on my separate bodies of work.  I think that right now I could probably publish three solid books.  I'd like to know what she thinks.

waiting it out

I'm struggling through little bouts of depression here.  I am hoping that my little periods don't merge into one solid depression.  It's interesting, as someone who has been depressed before, because this time the feelings are all so familiar and this is the first time that I feel myself being sucked into it knowing full well what is happening.  Other times I just blankly moved forward while not acknowledging the depression part.  The last time I was severely depressed was after Matt was born. Oh yeah, I also had PTSD and the flashbacks really took a toll on me. Back then I tried to tell my mother that something was wrong and she yelled at me to "get on with my life!" so I just did what I had to do.  I took care of my baby, and cried myself to sleep every night and every time he napped, and sometimes when I was walking down the street, but because my mother essentially gave me the emotional eye roll and sent me the  message that my experiences and feelings do not matter I kept it all to myself.  I never asked for help, or understanding or compassion or anything. I just took care of my baby because that was what I was supposed to do.  It's been such a long time.  This time around all the symptoms feel so familiar, like rediscovering a favorite winter sweater after not seeing it all summer long.  I'd like to slip that sweater on and get lost in it.

This time around I'm not even sure what to do.  My kids are old enough to know what's going on, I'd have to explain why I can sleep 18 hours a day. Also, they might try to "help" me somehow, as if there was some way they could fix my brokenness. In a perfect world I wouldn't be depressed or have reasons to be depressed, but in the world that I live in I wish I could just ride this one out by myself alone, from the comfort of my own bed, and just wait until the day came when I was right again and I could toss back the covers and rejoin the world.  Even though the world keeps turing while I am not participating it never really does leave me behind.  I just have to play a little catch up when I'm ready.  I wish I could check out for a while.  I know it is what I need to do.  But there are too many people breathing down my neck these days.  Too many people need me, making demands, giving me attitude, and not letting me just be.  I wish I could just be.  I want to be just still, and quiet and me and not part of anything or anyone else while I wait this one out.

positive affirmation by comparison

Yesterday morning, I was sitting on the can trying to muster the energy to paste on a smile and get through the day.  It was a court day for Evan so I shot lil sis a quick note, highlighting every possible complaint, from my broke ass still hurting to my "time of month" status (which was on the level of "Don't cross me!  I need chocolate, pain killers, soothing lite sing along music, and solitary confinement")  I could never forget my rash, which thankfully did not develop oozing pustules, but does unfortunately continue to burn and itch and also the head bump I got when I smashed my head against the underside of the stairs in the basement and I've been nursing for three days. There was also my not so carefully worded so I can't reprint it word for word here concern over the issue of the not so amenable nature of the DA assigned to Evan's case.  And then of course, my violent fantasy acts on the dude who smashed my car window, stole my purse and wrote out fake checks on my checking account.  

She said I made her laugh and that made me feel better.

Can you tell I write long texts while on the can in the morning?  I should start a text for a small nominal charge business.  I can send texts that will make folks say "My life is pretty damned good!  No complaints here!"  It's a sort of life-positive affirmation by comparison service.

Nothing got accomplished yesterday, except we have another court date in January.  What a frustrating process!  There was dude who shot someone multiple times there and another who was discussed who seemed to already have a death sentence.  Would they even try someone for a different crime when it involves a stay of execution?  And then there was my own baby.  SURREAL does not begin to scratch the surface of sitting in the court waiting to see if the DA will negotiate with our expensive lawyer.

keeping score

Here is another one for the universe score card.  I felt a burning itching pain on my upper leg.  I went to the doctor after some dog owning friends got me all freaked out over tick diseases.  (I had peed in the woods a couple of days prior)  Doctor says "Sounds like shingles, but could also be cellulitis. Let's treat for cellulitis and if you break out in oozing pustules, some back for treatment for shingles."  

Fuck you universe!  I raise my middle finger at you universe!  You think you can finish me off with lame ass skin infections?  I laugh at your infections and use the power of modern medicine to roll forward!  Here I go, life as normal, keep going, yes I will.......  

In other news, I have concerns over the antibiotics I am now on due to "cellulitis" since my taste buds have been screwed up since last spring with that bout with pneumonia when I couldn't smell or taste for a good solid month and now I can smell but my sweet receptors are off which makes eating things like melon or pineapple into a strangely tasteless experience.  If there was any fairness (hahahah) to this world I would taste everything but have no desire to overeat.  One of these days I am going to get a handle on that.

In other other news (of the fun never ends variety) I finally got my car back today with the new replacement rear window. I do have to get it detailed because of all the broken glass, but that is going to have to wait until I get back from that dreadful place where Evan went to school for almost two weeks.  He has a hearing on Thursday.  I freaking hate flying with every cell in my body and once this legal hell is over if anyone even suggests I fly anywhere there better be some pampering for me on the other end of that.  For real.  Also, my broke ass still kills (though slightly less thanks to me brilliantly standing for three days straight last week) and I have no idea how I am going to survive 4 hours on a plane.  I better get an aisle seat.

Oh yeah, I just remembered.  I do have one flying that I must do, which is spreading my dear departed friend Bob's ashes.  I promised Bob's dying father I would take Bob to Italy.   I'm trying to figure out how I am going to make spreading my friend's ashes into a time of peace and resolution for myself.  I still miss Bob all of the time.  My trigger time for getting weepy over Bob is every time I settle in for a long car ride.  That used to be the times that I would call Bob.  He could talk forever.  Dammit.  He was only 49.

 

One good thing to come out of the whole car window smashing purse theft incident is that brought all of us dog owners closer together.  Sorry it took a crisis for that to happen.  There were actually three cars vandalized on the morning I was broken into and 3 or 5 (depending on where you get you information) the Sunday before and then another one last night.  Bold thief isn't it?  I would love to catch the bastard.  Today the cops finally got around to hanging out in the parking lot a little bit, but seriously?  Isn't that just going to scare the thief off until the cops leave?  I mean, this is a busy parking lot, so given the success rate so far, I see no real deterrent for this dude not to keep stalking the decent dog owning people of this county.  

I happened to have a lot of cash in my purse, which I had been carrying around with me since my panicked flight out to pick up my accused felon child from jail.  I knew I needed cash for bail and some for the lawyer I had to let go and I brought extra just incase.  I was going to stick it back in the bank, since it was my inheritance cash, but hadn't gotten around to it. I wish I had been spending it!  But really what I hope is that in his rush to get rid of the evidence the bastard thief did not go through every scrap of paper in my pack rat purse and threw it away by accident.  It was in an envelope at the bottom of the mess. 

Someone overheard me telling the cop I had a lot of cash and naturally this was picked up by everyone.  It was interesting today when I overheard some old lady telling another old lady about the thefts and ridiculing me (except she didn't I was the one- standing 15 feet from her)  for having a lot of cash in my purse!  She also made up all sorts of details, like the tool the thief used to break the windows (how would anyone even be able to guess that?!?!) which was completely odd.  I leaned over to the dog owning guy next to me and whispered "She's talking about me!"  So we gave each other knowing smiles and reacted in simultaneous wonder when she kept making up stuff she couldn't possible to know.  It was amusing in the end.  

I was also told by a woman who I alerted to the break ins that anyone would have to be an idiot to leave her purse in the car.  But then when another woman told me her home had been broken into and that the thief got all of her jewelry which was carefully laid out in her jewelry drawers in her bedroom, I bit my tongue. I was surprised that anyone with nice jewelry wouldn't have a safe for it.

Now I am covered with rashes, which I am thinking is maybe nerves.  Or maybe my immune system threw in the towel after all of this stress.  It just decided to call it quits, and to be honest, I can't really blame it.  I wouldn't mind throwing in the towel, even if just for a few days, like at a luxury spa or a private beach or a luxury spa on a private beach or something along those lines.

 

EOTD: ANGER

I'm not sure if anyone is keeping a list of all that the universe has deemed fit to dump on me lately, but just incase anyone is, I have a doozy for you!

This morning I took sweet pea for a super long walk in the woods.  There was light fog and bright diffused light, it was heavenly, and I brought my camera.  Sweet pinned me walked and walked for hours until I could barely focus and the light dulled and a fine mist began to rain on us.  We stopped to say HELLO to some dog friends on the way out.  Up until that second I was having a terrific day.  I was happy as a clam thinking this was the perfect way to start any day of the year.  Then another friend ran in from the parking lot shouting who had the blue and red cars.  I said "I have the blue car"  He said "Someone broke into it and your window is shattered!"

To make a long story short, the mother fuckers smashed the rear driver side window grabbed my purse off of the floor of the back seat area and fled.  They did the same to the red car too.  The police had already pulled in when I got to the parking lot and the red car owner and I consoled each other.

emotion of the day ANGER

 

nibbler

For two days now (during this workshop I am attending) I have tried to stand all day long.  Part of it is that I sometimes unintentionally make cries of pain while standing up from a seated position and, you know, I don't want to do that in front of a room full of strangers,  the other part of it is that sitting hurts while I am sitting and I thought that if I just didn't sit down then my broke ass might heal faster.

The plan worked, because yesterday as I passed out in bed I did notice a reduction in broke ass pain, however, the part about how much standing the rest of my legs could endure didn't really factor into the "I'll just stand all day" equation and right now, after two full days of standing, I think the last time my legs were this tired was that time I walked 10 hours for some walkathon when I was junior high school and could barely move for two days after that.

The bone tiredness of standing all day did not do anything to reduce the freakiness of my dreams, and I am sorry to say that I can not recount last night's in full technicolor detail.  I can however tell you that the dream ended with me serving my grandmother, who claimed to not be hungry (but I knew better)  eggs and rye toast.  Grandma loved the heel of rye bread and taught me to appreciate the finer things in life, like fresh rye bread heels and schmaltz on matzoh.  Don't go there- I can't even think about the schmaltz thing.  Bleh.

The best part about the workshop is that on day one when I whipped out some of the images from my latest series the instructor called the image I was working on "visual perfection."  I just want to follow that guy around for a couple of years.  

As far as good news in photography goes, from completely out of the blue I got a nibble on my thesis work.  I don't want to jinx anything, but my fingers are crossed for some good news. In either case, the nibble was enough to light up my whole day and make me the happiest I've felt in a long while.  I'll keep you posted.

yes I do

I looked so freaking happy in my Facebook profile photo that I was about to stab the computer screen. So I changed my profile photo to an old out of focus (literally, I didn't use a lens on the camera!) photo of a tree.  

I'm hanging on by a thin thread these days, still fighting the urge to get into bed and stay there until my life seems like a happier place.  Yes, I know I have the power to change my outlook.  What I do not possess is the power to control all of the details which feel so overwhelming that I want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head in the first place.  The whole Evan disaster has me on a yo yo of an emotional roller coaster. like you can't believe because the truth is that I couldn't have imagined this 30 seconds before it happened to me.  But I will tell you something, once my own drama subsides I need to get out there and make a difference for the people who come after me.  I have seen how the legal system works and it is designed to crush the human spirit.  Not good folks.  Not good.

Do not get me started on the husband who is now on disability and pretty much doesn't leave the house.  My youthful idealistic deal with him was that he was never ever even allowed to retire unless he had some kind of alternate hobby plan in mind which would take him out of the house for at least 10 hours a day.  Now, every minute he is sitting on the couch, in my house, controlling the television, making me listen to all day news propaganda channels or the IDIOT sports broadcasters, or worse .... yelling at the players on the screen, and generally being a presence when I require solitude and zen peacefulness during always but especially during this time of broke ass and crumbling spirit when I can barely lift my own depleted soul out of bed every morning.  Dammit.  This sucks.

I am worried about Matt and how it seems like he isn't ready to be an adult (aka:get a job) but also not willing to go back to school (like I encouraged him to do and I suspect because I encouraged him).  And then there is the part where he doesn't realize that young men without jobs (at least lucky young men whose parents haven't kicked them to the curb for being freaking dense about the realities of life) have to live in their parents houses because they don't have the money to pay for apartments in cities where they decided on a whim (Which is what I am assuming since he would not really discuss with me the reasoning behind his desire to live in said city other than the vibrant art scene as opposed to the cultural wasteland he believes we have here in new town) they would rather live even if they can't find gainful employment there.  I do not feel like I am being unreasonable. Also, in lieu of the other crap (Evan and the husband) I feel like he should quietly and agreeably do everything that I think is best for him because I can only handle two crisis level situations and a broke ass at one time.

Thanks god for Josh.  Sweet sweet Josh is doing exactly everything that is expected of him and I suspect terrified to complain lest my head should explode and cover both his precious lap top screen and a five mile radius around my current location with a fine mist of overloaded brain splatter.

I was walking sweet pea and thinking about how the photo world tends to grab onto someone and just celebrate the hell out of them.  I could stand getting up on one of those pedestals for a while, and the timing of right now (when I am scraping the bottom) seems to me that it would be especially appreciated.  I gotta get my marketing skills up to speed.  Yes I do.