I hate these times when I want to be outside walking sweet pea but it looks like rain and I do not want to get caught in the rain. It's pretty dark out there. There is a small chance for rain around 3 this afternoon, and none right now according to my incredibly inaccurate weather app. I call it inaccurate because it never really knows, one day last week I heard thunder in the distance, checked the weather app, no chance of rain, we got torrential rains on and off for the next 90 minutes or so along with an impressive thunder and lightning storm and weather app was clueless. Same thing on Friday when it predicted a rainy afternoon. The skies cleared and it turned out to be a glorious sunny warm dry afternoon. I don't even know why I look at it. The temperature is usually in the ballpark.
My neighbors around here are all kind of bumming about stuff lately. One couple sold their cabin because the wife has been having health issues. The sentry's place is for sale, as is another friend's and a third is scheduled to go up for sale by the end of the summer. The gruff guy on the hill always bitches about something town related. And even worse hateful graffiti has been popping up around town. Swastikas, white supremacist stuff, and also anti gay (I think, I don't even know what these idiots are talking about) stuff. It totally bums me out! This sad little town is getting sadder and angrier every day. Don't these people know that hatred is not the way out of the half century funk this place has been in? Seriously!
At the same time I am dealing with my own issues over here. The husband's decline in health, the impending doom I am expecting as far as he goes. I am planning how I am going to pick up the pieces for the kids and he won't even be real about how ill he has become. So I am angry at him all of the time. I hate being angry!!! I am cycling through my own series of loss and grieving for utopia, I had such dreams of living happily ever after here! It goes on the market next week. I can't even ....
I feel like I will be homeless. As far as new town is concerned, it may as well be a hotel. I feel nothing but frustration in that house. It's like I am a square peg in a round hole in that house. It's crazy how disjointed I feel there. I guess I could always size down once Evan is out of the house, but the thought of moving again brings me to my knees. At least if I have to give up utopia and Josh is happy in the public high school in new town I will have 4 years to simplify my life (aka: give away all the junk I do not need) in preparation of moving out as soon as Josh graduates and goes off to college.
I feel like the whole world is an option once the kids leave the nest. It depends on who wins the next presidential election. Just kidding! I probably couldn't even leave the northeast, even though I am totally over winter after last winter, and also my yearly slips on the ice. There are predictions that this winter might be worse than last year! Good lord, give me strength!! I think about going south, but then I know I would end up talking with a southern accent, and that would be too strange. I think about going west, but that just feels like going farther and farther from "home" even though I am pretty sure that I could never move back to city. In the past few years it has felt less and less like "home" every time I go in for a visit. I can cross any place with serious earth quake potential off the list, which is unfortunate because I was willing to check out Seattle. I'm concerned about droughts in the desert, so maybe not Arizona or New Mexico.... Mild weather appeals to me. But not living underwater (florida) getting swallowed up by a sink hole (florida) or bitten by alligators (florida and some places north of florida).
The other thing I need to consider is what happens if I establish a career for myself. I might want to move around for photography sake. Maybe I can live in a big old mobile home for a while and travel around the states deciding where the best place to live might be! That would actually be a completely hilarious situation. Not sure I am good enough on my own for that lifestyle, but an option I might consider for the short term. At least it is fun to sit around and fantasize about it.
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