Breathing has become an issue for me. I think it's stress. Looks like we are going to have put utopia on the market. There go my dreams of growing old on the east porch in the morning and the west porch in the evening. I know I have to let go and move on. I'm trying. It hurts. My disappointment is tremendous and overwhelming.
But, I am telling myself there are other utopias out there, and there are other utopias that are not outrageously priced, and they'll feel even better. It's going to be seriously hard to compete with my current utopia. But shit happens, roll with the punches, take a lude, shut up and stop your whining. (Now I sound like my mother!)
Whatever.
My more immediate concern is my thesis. I think I had a breakthrough this morning. The program director told me "I DO NOT BUY THIS" regarding my last version and I think the part he really wanted me to improve was the reasoning behind why I was in the woods taking pictures. This was most difficult for me (see paragraph 2- and my mother's attitude towards me expressing any form of dissatisfaction) but during a phone call with peanut I inadvertently blurted out a key answer. I immediately ran to the computer as soon as I returned home and put it down on text edit. Then I ran my new intro by the editor (who proof read my earlier version) and she replied with words like "better, shocking, raw and angry." Go me. Now I have to pretend I took direct inspiration from a bunch of people (artists, photographers, authors, directors) in order to make this work even though that couldn't be farther from my truth. Play the game, just play the game.
Tomorrow is Josh's last day of school. I am so happy to not have to make the miserable 21-35 minute each way that's going on.depending on the insanity of nutmeg state traffic drive to his school anymore. Next hurdle for him is successfully transitioning to the local high school. September feels like a long way away so I am going to put off worrying about that for a bit while I continue to worry about everything else that's going on.
The lottery was huge last night so I bought some tickets. I got lost in a fantasy about how I could keep utopia and help so many people if only I won the whole thing. Waking up and hearing that the winner was in another state was a real bummer.
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