What a long few weeks. I was in Berlin for two weeks for our latest and second to last session. Brutal. Mostly because it is getting harder and harder for me to stomach all of the cruelty that happens. One victory I had was convincing my classmates to be less vicious and more helpful to each other. At first they seemed upset that I was suggesting that I did not approve of the way they were participating but in the end I brought them to the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism side of the road. Small victory.
I got a threatening email from the program director today telling me is unhappy with my lack of participation and threatening not to graduate me. I realize that his volatile nature and emotional/behavioral unpredictability really pushes some childhood baggage buttons for me, and makes me withdraw. I feel threatened when he is simply in the room. My heart is racing just typing this. I wish I could just smack the shit out of him.
In other news, sweet pea survived my absence like the rock star she is. One day the dog walker sent me a video of sweet pea frolicking in a lake with some other dogs. I was pretty sad that I might have missed baby's first swim, but took solace in the fact that she was just frolicking knee deep and not actually swimming.
Speaking of sweet pea, we took her to utopia for a night this past weekend and for one totally uncharacteristic evening, sweet pea was barking at something the rest of us could not see. She never barks! The weird thing is that at first I wondered if there was a mouse running around, but when she barked at the same invisible creature when we went upstairs, and seemed to gaze follow something that was not on the ground I decided that the ghost of bear bait must be hanging out and running around at the utopia house. It would make sense. Me and bear bait both love it there.
But on the other hand if it wasn't the ghost of bear bait it might have been my old friend Bob. He would be turning 50 next week, if he hadn't died last fall. I feel pretty sad that I don't get to sit around and share the shock of being 50 with him. I've been thinking about Bob a lot lately. It could be him. Bob, get out of my bedroom.
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