clickmom

68 days

The husband is in the hospital.  In typical hospital fashion they don't really know what is wrong with him, only some strange symptoms.  But he's been there for three nights, so you know it's scary.  I don't really want to go into it.  But it's no surprise that my mind is going 300 mph in every direction, mostly bad ones.

I have to submit a thesis to the thesis advisor on Friday and I am just choking on it.  This is certainly not helping.  Not even close.  I know they want me to get personal, but I don't want my thesis to read like a therapy session.  I just have issues with that.  It turns me off.  I just can't be that whiny.

On some level I feel like I could sleep for a week, but I think that might be a little depression sneaking in.  I've been fighting it for a while now and this latest husband health crisis isn't helping.  

The one thing I keep coming back to again and again is that I need to simplify my life, but the reality is that I have tons of stuff that I will just want to replace if I get rid of it.  And by stuff I mean things like printing presses and all my photo stuff.  I do not lead a simple life.  

Frustrated.

 

 

Sweet pea's first boo boo

Last night Sweet pea came back from the dog sitter with an open wound-lump on her head. I bent down to say HELLO, got a whiff and knew without a doubt it was infected. I brought her to the vet this morning and 6 hours later she emerged minus some necrotic skin and the infected area with a big blue Elizabethan collar and five pink stitches. I'm beyond upset that the dog sitter didn't give me a call when she got hurt. I would have requested a vet visit if I knew how big of a gash she had. At least we could have avoided the infection. I know accidents happen. But this was too neglectful.

May 27, 2015

So. Matt graduated.

What a head trip for me! It's hard to reconcile that the little baby/toddler/kid/teenager that I have all these still current warm fuzzy feelings for is actually all grown up (kind of). Watching him go through the graduation made me want to tell "When you were little..." stories even more (which is hard to imagine) than I already do.

One that comes to mind is the Halloween that Matt was in first grade. Evan was on a Wizard of Oz watching kick so Matt wanted to be a lion for Halloween. The SIL (who has the amazing ability to sew her own clothes if she wanted to) made Matt a lion costume out of real stuffed animal fur. It was incredible. The head piece was made from a double layer of fur-one facing in and one facing out and I wasn't going to make Matt wear his jacket that year since the costume was both cozy warm and too fabulous to cover up. Then on Halloween night it was balmy 72 degrees. Couples were happily strolling behind their kids holding hands. Everyone was happy. The mood was celebratory. And about 1/2 an hour into trick or treating Matt declared he was finished and wanted to go home immediately. Since Evan wasn't old enough to protest I said OK and we strolled home where Matt ripped off his lion head to reveal that he was about to faint after sweating out about 4 pounds of perspiration from inside the world's best costume. But he never complained. So I rehydrated him and he happily answered the doorbell and distributed candy from the comfort of shorts and a t shirt for the rest of the evening.

I think the one thought that brings me tears fastest is that now that the nuts and bolts of child raising is behind me I can look at this young man and not only be relieved that he is a great guy but He makes me wish I was 22 again just so I could hang out with him. I really like Matt as a mom and as a person. I'm so proud of him.

77- good year. I was 12.

One aspect of utopia that is always a bit of a thrill for me is the birds which hang out in our trees here.  We've got all of the run of the mill regular birds, like the ones that wake/sing a girl up early in the morning but we also have some special visitors, which are the eagles and the herons.  I'm not sure why I think the herons are so exciting when we get eagles, it's probably because of their size and also because of the way they stand on the dock just watching for long stretches of time.  It's very zen like.

Both the herons and the eagles eat fish out of the lake, and having trees that make good dining room tables means that we also end up with some leftovers on the floor which those mannerless eagles and herons do not clean up after eating.  But sweet pea found them!  As soon as we got here yesterday she started crunching on old dried fish bits, and there was nothing I could do to stop here.

This morning we stopped to chat with a neighbor while on our walk and bear bait pulled an entire fish right off of a rock next to the water.  I let her eat it, because I wasn't in the mood to wrestle for rotten fish, and then 5 minutes later she began to make the sound which indicates it is time to get off of the nice living room rug, only we were still standing by the side of the road and I calmly looked down and said I was glad I didn't have to drag her off of the rug and she herked up the whole chewed dead fish and I thought my neighbor was going to pass out.  I, on the other hand, said "better here than where I have to clean it up!" and kept yammering on about what ever it was I was yammering about before the rock fish made it's reentry into the world.  I am a seasoned dog owner.  It takes way more than a herk to throw me off my game.

I really really have to get to work on my thesis.  My plan is to write a thesis that is too much/too long and then ask the thesis advisor which parts need to come out.  Except I have to actually sit down and do the work in order to see that plan through.  I want to cry and take a nap because I do not want to write this thesis!  My neighbor graduated nursing school this week.  I'm kind of jealous because she is finished and I still have 77 days to go.  

I feel like I need to put a positive spin on things, so on the positive side I keep leafing through the edit that the book editor did for me last week and I just love it.  My advisor wanted me to remove an image from a triptych and make it a diptych, and I had the idea of using the removed image on the page before the diptych, and the book editor agreed and I will admit here that every time I look at that combination I am happy.  I showed my book dummy to the sentry and she caught the images belonging together right away.  This also made me happy.  As did her flattery of my book, until she kept insisting that she knows nothing about art thanks to her catholic school education which pretty much consisted of coloring books.

82 - I am totally counting

On a scale of one to ten how horrible of a human being would I be if I admitted that one very exciting aspect of so many people coming out as transgendered these days is the thought that shoe companies might respond by making women's shoes a little larger and a little wider?  I wear a woman's size 12.  

In other news, tomorrow I get to meet with the photo book designer.  SO FREAKING EXCITED!  I am trying hard to whittle down the number of photos I took since coming back from Berlin.  A difficult task. These photos are still too new/fresh/multi-sensory.  In the program they say "kill your babies!" when someone gets too attached to a photo and can't see that it isn't right for what they are doing. Happens all of the time.

I have made the decision to write the book I have been rolling around in the back of my mind for a few years now.  I actually sat down to write it before, but the time is right.  I think I will start this summer as soon as my thesis is finished.  

In embarrassing news, as a young person I thought the pinnacle of success was being on the Johnny Carson show, and I used to spend lost afternoons standing in front of the bathroom mirror pretending to answer Johnny's questions about the book I wrote!  Maybe I knew something back then.  I was predicting my own future, except it will have to be someone besides Johnny.  And not Letterman either, I missed that boat, too.  Jimmy Fallon seems fun though, so it's not a complete loss.  I figure to get on the late night talk show circuit my book will have to be pretty special, so prepare world.  I'm going sinful with this baby.

Today is Josh's voice recital.  It's pulling on my heart strings a bit because I think he might be done with this acting place he has been taking classes at since we moved to new town.  This place was such a god send for him.  It was exactly what he needed.  In the mean time they have relocated to twice the distance from our house and a solid good woman left the place and things just aren't the same as they were 4 years ago.  At the same time, Josh will be involved with his high school's theater program next year and probably won't have time for this place anyway.  Sad.  But I am looking forward to hearing my boy sing.  It's ridiculous how much I like hearing my kids making music.  I wish they knew, at least Josh and Matt, how much I love to hear them sing and would sing around me me more often.  Evan is not the music making type.  But I even love to hear him sing even though he can't sing on tune or on rhythm.  I kind of love him for being such an atrocious singer.  I think it's cute.

I pulled 3 ticks off of sweet pea on Friday. I feel like it is a battle and they are winning.  She has a new collar today.  Hope it works because the herbal stuff I was mixing into her food and spraying her down with sure wasn't.  

85

I followed up my phone call the photo lab with a visit today.  They can mount a photo to plexiglass, which is that I wanted, but they wouldn't mount all three photos in my triptychs to one piece of plexiglass, so I am going to make a few phone calls and if no one will do that for me (I am sure I can find someone if I pay enough, but I'm already going to be in the hole for a lot of $$ with all of this framing) then my first choice is to stay local (for monitoring purposes) with a priority on not paying an arm and a leg more than I have to.  It isn't catastrophic, since I was on the fence over framing the component images together or separately anyway.  This might just be my ultimate deciding factor! 

In other news, I photographed again today too.  I grabbed my camera thinking I'd just carry it (since I have freed myself from the tripod and am enjoying SO MUCH my tripod free shooting -so much easier!)because it was cloudless and sunny out there when I left to bring Josh to school.  But by the time I drove in around in circles after missing the turn for the dog park and got to the park the sky clouded up and it was my favorite bright diffuse light for shooting!  Yay weather!  So glad I brought the camera.  I have to remember to grab it even when I'm not sure because so many times a situation presents itself.  Anyways, I took a quick look at what I shot today and I am happy.  I did spaz out for a few minutes and starting shooting horizontally,  I have no idea where my brain escaped to.  All of my triptychs are vertical.  I realized the mistake and tried to be more conscious.

Speaking of more conscious, I am going to make a concerted effort to meditate every day.  I did that for a while and it really made me feel a little chill.  I could use that chill more than ever now.  I managed to get a 20 minute session in today and am going to make of an effort from now on.  It's a good and small thing.  I need to look out for myself.  

My class picked a name for our group gallery show that I am not fond of.  It has to pass muster with the program director, so it still isn't for sure.  My fingers are crossed that he doesn't like it either. Obviously my own suggestion is my first choice, but there was one other suggestion I thought was strong and would be satisfied with that one too.  I'm on pins and needles here.  Not really.  I am too wiped out by the rest of life to care all that much.  Also, still a little floaty from all that meditation today.  wink wink

People are starting to talk about the summer and I am (as usual) just holding my breath until my favorite season rolls into town. Go summer!  Go summer!  Matt graduates hipster U. on memorial day weekend, Josh from 8th grade on June 4th and Evan from HS on June 18th.  After June 18th I AM FREE!!  The crazy thing is that on the weekends I wake up fully rested and ready to go at 6 AM but Monday through Friday I could take a hammer to the alarm clock and get out of bed feeling like it's 2 in the morning.  Speaking of alarm clocks, mine is missing illumination again.  This morning it woke me up at F:00 because two bars on the 6 aren't lighting up.  It has red numbers, which are hard to find these days and I can not sleep with blue or green glowing in my face all night, so I am hoping it comes back to life.  It did this once before for a while and returned.  I was thinking that it might be a ghost visiting (or revisiting).  Oh come on, you explain it better than that!! Ghosts love to play with electronics.  Do I need to remind you how grandma was messing with three different televisions of mine after she died?  That was awesome.

 

not counting, but 88

There is one dog park around here which I do not go to because I find the dog owners to be less responsible.  And that means, less well behaved dogs.  You might recall that sweet pea was taken down by a lunatic yorkie.  That is the park.  Except this morning I had to make an emergency stop at the dentist and this park is practically across the street so I chanced it.  We met an overly aggressive boxer.  Yup.  Boxer, those goofy lovable bouncy happy go lucky guys.  We met one that wasn't so nice and yet the owner was walking him off leash and letting him freak out whole packs of dogs in the open field.  I am shaking my head in disgust.  I have started to say "I live in new town, but don't hold it against me, I'm not like them" when meeting new people.  I feel bad about it.  But I don't want to be associated with the general attitude of this place.  One of these days I am going to find a town I can be proud of living in. I need a super hero town.  Where do the super heroes live?

I'm gearing up to restart work on my thesis.  GULP.  I have to make it buyable, as in the program director told me "I DO NOT BUY THIS" as his ending comment on my first draft.  But, (here comes the whine) I don't want to make my thesis a therapy session, so I feel like I don't how to do it.  Thank goodness for the internet.  

That is all I am saying about that.

My worst case scenario of my kids growing up and leaving the nest was having them spread all over the globe (OK there are worse things, like airplanes flying into mountains, hear me out) and now Matt wants to spend the summer in Indiana with his girlfriend, who I am way too fond of.  Indiana???  At least she is trying to do some good combatting Indiana's ridiculous law that a business can refuse service to gay people.  Seriously Indiana?  I would totally boycott any place that did that.  Shame on you!! Thinking about people being that hateful actually makes me want to cry.  Matt wants to work with children.  But at least he is thinking that Philadelphia might be his next stop after the summer and at least that is driving distance from here.  Indiana?  He must be totally in love.  Wonder if it will last.  A mom of older daughters told me not to get too attached.  I guess she has seen a parade of suitors come and go.  

Today is Bob's birthday.  Yesterday was my mom's birthday (on mother's day) so I am trying to think about other stuff and avoid thinking about the things that make me sad.  I'll think about sweet pea again.  Damn, now I'm thinking about ticks.

OMG 89 days!

Double digit days left until graduation!!

Still irritated over the warning email, but trying very hard to let go of the anger.  Yes, I am angry.  I think the biggest reason I am angry is because there was so much potential for rock solid learning here and it has been lost underneath all of the bizarre negativity.  There is some strange vibe going on with my classmates too.  No one is willing to even skype with each other about some things we should be discussing, like the title to our gallery show.  Tragic I tell you!!  There was so much potential for a cohesive interesting background and age diverse group of people to learn and grow from each other.  But NOPE! 

Whatever.

In the mean time, this week sweet pea and I begin some dog training classes.  I would like to go all the way with her until she is certified as a therapy dog.  She is absolutely mellow enough to do it, all I need to do is brush up on her manners.  First thing I need to attack is her jumpiness.  Sometimes she jumps on people.  Mostly when she thinks they have a treat in their hands.  But jumping has to go.  Unless I am talking about jumping into and out of the car.  The princess dog who can clear a baby gate like a champion pole vaulter waits patiently for me to lift her into and out of the car.  I think this a throwback to her early days with me back in January when she weighed in around 14 pounds.  She doesn't weigh 14 pounds anymore!  

Sweet pea was playing with a German Shepherd the other day and I can see where she might have a bit of Shepherd in her.  This would explain her odd back legs.  Some shepherd back legs are messed up. But also something smaller, because she is one skinny little lady.  I have no idea what bear bait weighed at this point, but I am thinking that by 7 months bear bait was already a bouncer among dogs.  It was a long time ago, so the memories just aren't there.  I wish a had a baby book for her!  

I sat down to look at the photos I have taken since I got back from session and already I am overwhelmed.  I am going to stop photographing for this project.  That is it.  I am done, finite, calling it a day!  In a week I am meeting with the book designer and we will come up with a finished edit and I will not look back.  Also, the woods are getting so lush that it is hard to see and nearly impossible to maneuver around.  I love the woods like this on one hand, but on the other hand it comes with bugs and I am a mosquito magnet who is terrified of ticks.  All I had to hear that there is some kind of new tick disease on the rise that can sicken in hours and kill dogs and people too! I might never go to the woods again. (A total lie!  But I will be sweating bullets under my long sleeved hoodie with the hood pulled over my head) I love the woods.  It completes me.  But you knew that didn't you?

no bedroom

What a long few weeks.  I was in Berlin for two weeks for our latest and second to last session.  Brutal.  Mostly because it is getting harder and harder for me to stomach all of the cruelty that happens.  One victory I had was convincing my classmates to be less vicious and more helpful to each other.  At first they seemed upset that I was suggesting that I did not approve of the way they were participating but in the end I brought them to the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism side of the road.  Small victory.

I got a threatening email from the program director today telling me is unhappy with my lack of participation and threatening not to graduate me.  I realize that his volatile nature and emotional/behavioral unpredictability really pushes some childhood baggage buttons for me, and makes me withdraw.  I feel threatened when he is simply in the room.  My heart is racing just typing this.  I wish I could just smack the shit out of him.

In other news, sweet pea survived my absence like the rock star she is.  One day the dog walker sent me a video of sweet pea frolicking in a lake with some other dogs.  I was pretty sad that I might have missed baby's first swim, but took solace in the fact that she was just frolicking knee deep and not actually swimming.  

Speaking of sweet pea, we took her to utopia for a night this past weekend and for one totally uncharacteristic evening, sweet pea was barking at something the rest of us could not see.  She never barks!  The weird thing is that at first I wondered if there was a mouse running around, but when she barked at the same invisible creature when we went upstairs, and seemed to gaze follow something that was not on the ground I decided that the ghost of bear bait must be hanging out and running around at the utopia house.  It would make sense.  Me and bear bait both love it there.

But on the other hand if it wasn't the ghost of bear bait it might have been my old friend Bob.  He would be turning 50 next week, if he hadn't died last fall.  I feel pretty sad that I don't get to sit around and share the shock of being 50 with him.  I've been thinking about Bob a lot lately.  It could be him.  Bob, get out of my bedroom.