clickmom

Dec 30, 2014

Sometimes the forced hot air heat in this house sounds like sheets of rain on the roof. I wish I lived in a house with a metal roof so I could really hear the rain.

Dec 19, 2014

I'm going through reverse menopause. Instead of becoming "irritable" I find myself laughing my head off. But somehow mostly when I'm alone in the car. Just now I was driving to the dentist office, my home away from home, when I began to reminisce about the night that Josh asked me that dreaded question "Is the tooth fairy real?" Before I knew it I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks just thinking to myself about how disappointed he was and how hard he was trying to be stoic about the disillusionment.

Yesterday was Josh's last day of school before break. I was standing on the school porch with another mom being totally psyched as she expressed her misery about spending the next two weeks with her kid. She said "How are you so happy?" She asked me how many kids I had, as if not having many kids could make me a happier person. It reminded me of the time when Josh was just a few months old and Evan's preschool teacher remarked over my happiness too. I pointed to Josh and told her I wanted him! I reminded her that children are like getting a prize. (Okay, I hadn't lived through the teen years yet!) I wish more people would choose not to have kids. Really. We need to make that an honorable choice and leave the breeding to the people who really want it more than anything

i will not panic

Trying to retain my composure.  My printer gave me an error code and suggested I call the repair center.  Breathe in and out, in and out.  

I knew I was jinxing my baby by telling everyone how kick ass it is.  In printer years it is methusalah, but still, I didn't see this coming.  (Although if I were to be completely honest with you, I may have heard it coming when I was printing for San Francisco and thought there was a background noise where there was never a noise before.) 

In and out, in and out.

 Update: called the service center, an hour drive from here.  Told them my 6 year old printer is acting up and gave them the error code: 1224.  Seriously epson?  Merry christmas eve to you too!  Waiting for a call back with an estimate for repair.  Wondering if this going to be a domino effect or not.  Bumming.

Dec 19, 2014

I'm going through reverse menopause. Instead of becoming "irritable" I find myself laughing my head off. But somehow mostly when I'm alone in the car. Just now I was driving to the dentist office, my home away from home, when I began to reminisce about the night that Josh asked me that dreaded question "Is the tooth fairy real?" Before I knew it I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks just thinking to myself about how disappointed he was and how hard he was trying to be stoic about the disillusionment.

Yesterday was Josh's last day of school before break. I was standing on the school porch with another mom being totally psyched as she expressed her misery about spending the next two weeks with her kid. She said "How are you so happy?" She asked me how many kids I had, as if not having many kids could make me a happier person. It reminded me of the time when Josh was just a few months old and Evan's preschool teacher remarked over my happiness too. I pointed to Josh and told her I wanted him! I reminded her that children are like getting a prize. (Okay, I hadn't lived through the teen years yet!) I wish more people would choose not to have kids. Really. We need to make that an honorable choice and leave the breeding to the people who really want it more than anything

Nov 10, 2014

So, my take on San Franciscans is that they are super friendly until they're behind the wheel and then tthey might as well be New Yorkers.

I went all NYer on one yesterday as I waited patiently in line for a parking spot at the beach a white Benz squeezed past me and took a spot that was rightfully mine. I got of my car and threatened the dude and flung the F word around a lot. My middle ginger made an appearance and when I pulled into the next spot that opened up the dude's little wife came over to tell me that life was too short for a middle Finger and she would pray for me. I told her to go that And while she was there she she ask her god why she and her husband felt like the rules of the civilized world, like waiting your turn in line because they didnt think it didn't apply to them. The beach wS beautiful and i could totally dig the SF fog situation. I kinda wish I had the power to cause a flock of birds to decorate their car.

incredible

I lied to someone today.  She asked me how old my kids are and I said 22.18 and 14.  But their birthdays don't happen until February , March and April.  It made me feel so OLD.  22 and 18????  14 is isn't even kid age anymore!!  

Oh my gawd.  Also, the grays in my side burns are getting pretty serious.  I can even see the lightness with my glasses off and I can't see a thing closer than 4 feet without my glasses.

On a positive note, I have been working out and meditating.  The working out part is pretty easy because I have been there and done that but the religiously meditating part is new for me.  Turns out I am pretty decent at meditating.  Not a surprise since I am so easy to hypnotize, and am quite sure that the two are similar enough.  I can't meditate in the new town Y sauna, like I used to try to do in the stepford posh club sauna (but normally ended up chatting away with the anorexic club member, remember??) because the acoustics in the new town Y ladies locker room are insane and every time I try to shut my eyes in the sauna there are women with hawk screeching voices whining away about something mundane either in the shower or by the makeup mirrors and it's as if they have megaphones aimed at my head.  It's a sad situation.  Also, the women of new town seem to think there is some benefit to putting lotion (or some kind of body oil in one case) on in the sauna so it's a revolving door of freshly showered moisturizing rich ladies.  Not relaxing.  Don't even get me started on the TWO brilliant sauna lights shining in there like lighthouse beacons.  (My turn to whine.  Whhhhhhy??)

What I have been doing mostly is meditating in my car.  I try to get it done in the morning so that I don't have to fight the urge to fall asleep.  After 2 in the afternoon it is no small victory if I stay awake.  But I have ben able to pull it off.  My secret is to not lean my head back on the head rest.  That would a recipe for instant nap.  I just do it right in the front seat.  It's a good place to meditate because apparantly I like small enclosed places.   Maybe I was a pet hamster in a previous life.  Luckily no one has seen me meditating and thought I was dead or passed out and tried to help me.  I remember once when I was pregant with Josh little Evan was sleeping in his car seat so I decided to take my own nap in the front seat once I was safely parked in the strip mall parking lot.  I woke up to flashing lights.  Someone thought I was dead and called the cops.

I miss stepford.  I drove in yesterday to have a holiday lunch with my babes.  During lunch the subject of holiday cards came up and I admitted that I wasn't going to send any cards out again this year.  Noone even realized I hadn't sent one last year.  Out of sight out of mind?  I think maybe.  Also, no one ever asks me anything about school, and I feel neglected about that. I'm doing this tough, demanding thing and I would hope that they'd be a tiny little bit interested, but nope.  I dunno.  It's weird.  

Speaking of school, the stress this year is incredible.  I'm not sure how much of it is a product of being a second year student and how much is having a different (not easy to talk to) advisor.  I think it's both.  I have an advisor skype tomorrow.  I have to try to be less whimpy and more passionate.  Did I tell you that the program director told me that I come off as cavalier?  These guys don't get me at all.  

 

pits

I spent a good part of the day wondering why my arm pits on both sides hurt so much.  I imagined everything tragic possible.  Then I remembered my lame attempt at girlie pushups that happened yesterday while I was at the Y.  My pit muscles .......   yeah.  (Hangs head in shame)

 

 

owning weird

I ended up spending four hours at the new town Y today. This is exactly three hours more than any other time I have been there.  First I did the qigong class.  I love listening to the english accented instructor, but am starting to be concerned that the program is a wee bit geriatric slanted.  I can't tell since I never did it anywhere else.  Then I chatted with another qigonger for over an hour!  Not sure how that happened.  I took an invogorating spin on the expresso bike, and a half hour on the elliptical when I decided that there was for sure a sweet relaxing pore cleansing detoxifying sauna in my momentary future.  I entered the empty sauna, spread out my towel and assumed my standard sauna position.  Flat on my back.  No sooner do I find myself relaxing into a nice sauna induced meditation than the peace and joy of my sauna was interrupted by some serious old lady nag voice.  There were two twisty voiced geezer ladies outside the sauna.  They were discussing the naked person in ... the sauna?  The steam room?  I had no idea if it was me or some naked soul sister in the steam room.  But the grandmas could not believe there was a naked person.  They decided that "she can't possibly stay in there forever" and wait it out in the hallway.  I thought they had met their match, I was going to pass out in the sauna if I had to but I was not going to vacate for the wicked witch of the west and the evil queen.  The witches started to get impatient, but I still wasn't sure if they were avoiding me or someone else.  Finally one peeked her wart encrusted nose into the sauna and announced that there was another naked girl.  Then they discussed how the small woman in the steam room was less offensive to look at they could go in and sit with their backs to her.  I kid you not!!  

Welcome to new town.  Where everyone judges and thinks you are the weird one.

what text?

So, my new town lawn dude is this 20ish year old kid, who is adorable.  He does lawns for money but his real passion is his band.  Double cute.  We had discussed him blowing the leaves, not a huge issue because somehow our leaves seem to blow themselves onto someone else's lawn, so when he didn't show right up I wasn't worried.  I got a text from adorable lawn guy asking if I had used another service or still needed him and I texted back that I wouldn't cheat on him with another lawn service and I was waiting.  Now I feel like a total creepy old lady.  Hopefully I will be able to avoid him this weekend when he takes care of the few leaves that haven't blown themselves away and not see him until the spring when we can both pretend it's been so long since my pervy text that we both don't even remember it.  What text?

When Evan drives me mad I pray that he has at least one kid that irritates him in the exact same way, which would have to be a different way from how he irritates me, since Evan gets under my skin by challenging my authority (Like when it's 19 degrees out and I insist Josh wears a long sleeve shirt to school) and he loves a challenge, so maybe the best revenge for him would be to father the most passive child in existence.

I met a dog I was prepared to adopt, but the dog was not into me and the lady who runs the dog fostering organization said "I hear Sophie didn't choose you."  Rejected.  Twice!  Also, naming the homeless dogs.....  It's kind of fascinating.  There are some dogs I could reject on name alone and some I am more interested because of their name.  Sophie, wouldn't be my first choice of name, because my first association with the name Sophie is from Sophie's Choice, and that movie could make me cry for a whole month.  So there is that.  But I was thinking I needed a theme with which to name this and all future dogs I might get and Sophie is the name of a famous photographer so photographer names is soemthing I could get into.  I was going to keep the name, but now with no dog in sight I can feel free to go with any theme.  Such decisions! 

head held high

I feel completely stupid imagining that I can not come up with some back story about my photographs.  My stumbling block is possibly the fear of sounding totally unoriginal along with completely stupid.  I mean, I am photographing nature, which has been done ad nauseum before me and currently by any and everyone with a digital camera or a smart phone.  So, what makes my stuff unique?  

It's better than the stuff someone else would take!  Nyah nyah.  (Stick out my tongue) 

This is where the part of me that totally shuts down during an argument comes into play.  Defending my work next summer is likely to be the hardest thing I have ever done.  I hate conflict and I hate arguing. I flee from conflict and arguing. Truth. Next summer I will be thrust into the middle of an attack on myself (that's how it works) and have to silver tongue my way out of it.  Too bad I can't get Evan to stand in for me, he'd have those attackers on their knees begging for mercy.  Damn, I need to find some of his energy stat! 

I can tell you is that if anyone says they can go to the same place and take the same photo I would likely kick them in the teeth or at least fantasize repeatedly about doing so.  My friend who graduated this past summer suggested I keep some kind of a diary and write things down.  I didn't want to tell her that I have a blog which is going on 10 years old!  I've been shelling out the bucks to typepad for almost 10 years folks.  Imagine that.  I asked her if she meant a tell all diary or a photo diary and she said I should write down everything, but I think I am going to do a photo themed journal, because that seems to me that it might be more direct in getting to the point of what I need to figure out how to say.  I don't feel entirely devastated in not knowing what to say because pretty much no one knew what they wanted to say about their work during our last session, or if they thought they had something to say they were told that the work on the wall did not reflect their statement.  So, as much as I would like to be ahead of the learning curve here, I am right in the mix with everyone else who is struggling , if you don't count my finished husband project, which I am not forgetting is safely tucked away right in my back pocket.  I just wanted so badly to have more than one finished project to show for my two years of grueling insane asylum grad school delight.

It's interesting to note here that when I started this blog (back before I had gray hair and wrinkles) I thought I would be blogging about my thrilling life as a photojournalist mom.  Little did I know I'd end up at the same damned street fairs every year and that all ground breaking events look exactly the same.  Now here I am whining about grad school.

I am so damned proud of myself for doing this.  

I pretty much love molest every dog that comes to me to say hello.  I got new tires today and I damn near walked the garage guy's black lab.  If he had said she was great off the leash I would have strolled straight to the park with her.  (also, except for the fact that it rained all day)  But I have to go back next week for an oil change and I am going to walk her if it's nice out.  When I am shooting in the woods about half the dogs are freaked out by the tripod, even when it is not standing like a three legged spider, so the dogs that aren't bothered by it are nearer and dearer than the ones who are growling at my equipment.  I want to adopt them all and have taken to using photos of other people's dogs as my screen saver.  Right now my screen saver is a very cool australian shepherd that I met at the utopian bowling alley.  Next week I'll go with garage guy's pooch. I can't believe how much I need a dog.