clickmom

only one?

I happened to have a routine dentist appointment scheduled for today. (Made back before everything else in my mouth was at level red crisis alert.)  I went to the dentist knowing that they thought they were going to replace some crown somewhere in there and also because a tooth on the not crisis side of my mouth has been heat and cold sensitive.  Pretty much after that sensitive tooth X-ray the dentist looked at me and said "If we take this one out you won't have teeth left to chew with."  She filed some nearby teeth down in hopes that if I leave that tooth sensitive tooth alone enough (as in stop gnashing it into my jaw every night while I alternate between clenching like a pitbull and trying to grind the porcelain off all of my fake teeth)  the inflammation will subside.  Instead she set out to take care of a cavity in the tooth in front of the first one that was pulled last month.  To make a long story short, after three sets of novacaine (what is up with my resistance to anesthetic?!?) the dentist finally got to digging around when I hear her whisper to the assistant "I think that might be a tooth shard in there." And I immediatley know what she is talking about,! It's the strange little lump that was left on the roof of my mouth after the swelling from my first surgery subsided!  She dug it out (I know this because I felt her digging but opted for arching my back, clawing at he arm rests,  and curling my toes in pain over another round of not entirely useful novacaine) and put the little triangular chunk  (it looked like a little baby shark tooth) on the tray.  And then she said "These things happen, they usually work their way out of the gums on their own eventually."

In the great words of lake guy: MOTHERF*CKER!! 

So, in the last month, I've had TWO extractions, a shockingly serious bout with trigeminal neuralgia, inflammation of my inner ear, a sinus infection, an insanely critical (without the constructive part) two weeks of psychologically challenging critiques for me and all involved, AND apparantly I HAVE BEEN TEETHING ALL ALONG TOO!!! 

No wonder when I walked into therapy the other day my therapist took one look at me and said "You look like you could sleep for a month."

cuz

When I got home Monday evening I was exhausted.  Even so, I grabbed my trusty new camera (which just might be on the verge of disappointing me with a stcking mirror) Tuesday morning when I left the house to drop Josh off at school. I went to a new woods, having heard about this particualr area for the fourth time from the car service driver Monday night and figuring I better go check it out for myself.  I pulled in and parked and sat in the car trying to will myself the energy to go out and shoot.  I sat and sat figuring out what time it was in San Fran (5:45AM) , if I could take a car-nap before heading out, and almost gave up when I saw two gloriously beautiful FLAT COATED RETRIEVERS (bear bait's breed) coming out of the woods.

I jumped out of the car and greeted the dogs and their owner.  One dog looked particularly like bear bait, and it turned out that this dog was purchased from the same breeder 4 years after bear bait. I am quite sure it was a distant cousin.  My heart almost broke a million times.

Nov 10, 2014

So, my take on San Franciscans is that they are super friendly until they're behind the wheel and then tthey might as well be New Yorkers.

I went all NYer on one yesterday as I waited patiently in line for a parking spot at the beach a white Benz squeezed past me and took a spot that was rightfully mine. I got of my car and threatened the dude and flung the F word around a lot. My middle ginger made an appearance and when I pulled into the next spot that opened up the dude's little wife came over to tell me that life was too short for a middle Finger and she would pray for me. I told her to go that And while she was there she she ask her god why she and her husband felt like the rules of the civilized world, like waiting your turn in line because they didnt think it didn't apply to them. The beach wS beautiful and i could totally dig the SF fog situation. I kinda wish I had the power to cause a flock of birds to decorate their car.

Nov 6, 2014

It's the wake for my dear friend Bob's father today. They died within weeks of each other. Kind of blows my mind.

I thought I was going to get to scatter Bob's ashes but now I'm not so sure. I think the long time companion of Bob's father is completely overwhelmed. She considered burying my friend along with his Dad. Bob would have hated that. I pleaded with the companion to let me be responsible for Bob. I hope she does the right thing.

It was a slow day here. I had a private meeting with last year's advisor and this year's. They had different advice for me. I think I'll follow both tracks and see which pans out

I'm so tired. I really want to go home. I miss two ply toilet paper more than I thought I could.

Tonight we have to go out for a group dinner. I hope they chose someplace where I can eat. Last time they had a pizza party and before that they went to a pizza place. If I can't eat there tonight I'm walking away. For real. It's too rude.

I like how much I've been walking here. I think I am going to have to warm up to the treadmill in my house. It's right near my printer, so that should be a happy place for me.

Nov 6, 2014

It's the wake for my dear friend Bob's father today. They died within weeks of each other. Kind of blows my mind.

I thought I was going to get to scatter Bob's ashes but now I'm not so sure. I think the long time companion of Bob's father is completely overwhelmed. She considered burying my friend along with his Dad. Bob would have hated that. I pleaded with the companion to let me be responsible for Bob. I hope she does the right thing.

It was a slow day here. I had a private meeting with last year's advisor and this year's. They had different advice for me. I think I'll follow both tracks and see which pans out

I'm so tired. I really want to go home. I miss two ply toilet paper more than I thought I could.

Tonight we have to go out for a group dinner. I hope they chose someplace where I can eat. Last time they had a pizza party and before that they went to a pizza place. If I can't eat there tonight I'm walking away. For real. It's too rude.

I like how much I've been walking here. I think I am going to have to warm up to the treadmill in my house. It's right near my printer, so that should be a happy place for me.

Nov 6, 2014

It's pretty terrible that my most vivid impressions of this school session are all of my physical ailments.

On top of everything else I have a very tender canker sore (what, me stressed?) on the inside of the same cheek that everything else has happened to. I wish I was the kind of person who could punch a hole through a door and feel better. Or at least release something. But I don't want to hurt my hand!

At first I thought be the herpes but one quick phone call to the dentist calmed those fears. The timing of this sore just seems so ...... Telling. I mean, it began to stab me with pain right as the swelling took a big turn for the better. I'm sure it's all related, just don't know if I can tell you how.

Other distractions this trip include the hotel we have been forced to lodge in. The husband wouldn't be caught dead here, and I've been riding his luxury train for over 25 years! For starters, no A/C. In his book that equals camping and he does not camp. Second: paper thin walls, floors and doors. Your neighbors in this hotel provide the soundtrack of your trip and neighbors don't keep my middle aged woman hours. You know, sleeping at night? Then there was cough all night guy. He either checked out two days ago or finally got the medicine he needs. I appreciate the water saving toilet/sink combo but think it could be better designed. The way it now post toilet washing involves a wide stance squat over the toilet seat. At least I'm getting some exercise in.

Nov 4, 2014

The good news is that I was able to let the painkiller wear off this evening. Everything seems to be resolving itself at the same time. My extraction pain and my trigeminal neuralgia are both in check. Now I have the maddening itch of stitches, but I'll take that over nerve pain any day.

We had the morning off so I went to the Golden Gate Bridge with a classmate. Then we hit up a gallery and tried to get to keys for a jazz show.

I can't believe how much I end up walking here. It's a good thing and I'm trying to figure out how I can keep it up. In an average day I've walked over five miles. Probably closer to six plus. I wish I had a monitor to see.

After the morning off we had classes until 9:30. It's always refreshing to realize that graduate students from other programs are pretty much the same as we are. I am going to medicate and pass out now. I really want to feel nothing when I try to sleep.

after 40

Wow, school is quite different when I am in pain.  Concentration?  Uh, what?  Seriously, my already diminished middle aged mind is in the clouds with all of this face agony.  Might also  be the heavy prescription killers I've been doling out to myself every night in order to get to sleep.  Just one a day! During day light hours I pound prescriptopn strength advil and my tummy is figuring that out.  Ouch.  They aren't kidding when they say "Take with food."

In the mean time we have had a guest teacher who is like the dude you listen to after you have climbed a mountain into the clouds and find him sitting quietly cross legged and meditating.  This dude is seriously zen and seriously sage and wise, and today, as he was wrapping up he told the class that they wouldn't make good photos until they were 40 anyway.  It was awesome for me, since sometimes I feel slightly dismissed by some of the younger students.  Too bad I didn't get on the ball 9 years ago!! Nah!  I'm right where I need to be.  The second half of my life is going to have a glorious career.

That being said, I have so much to think about regarding my work and my future work.  I have got to figure out how to photograph from the emotional place which exists, but isn't showing up yet in my photos.  While looking at my work the zen teacher said 6 times in 30 minutes how difficult it is to photograph in the woods.  I must rise to the occasion! I really want to finish on a high note, and I want that note to be my forest project and not my husband project.  

San Francisco, I feel like I haven't given you a fair chance, because of the PAIN, but I am going to admit that I am not exactly anxious to get back here.  I gave myself a few extra days to sight see after the program but I am so miserable that I changed my plane reservation and now I have one day extra because the only thing I really want to see are the redwoods.  I kind of hope the weather is miserable the day I go so that there won't be throngs of tourists there with me.  I'll go in the rain!   I'm doing laundry in the hotel and getting pho at the pho place 30 feet from the hotel tonight while my classmates are out partying it up.  I feel kind of pathetic.  Pho is easy to eat.  I just want to go home to my own bed and my own shower.  Also, my hotel room smells like a cross between wet diapers and restaurant dumpster, so there is that too.  I've been burning a scented candle in there every night.  Only helps a little, but I really like my new candle!  That baby is going home with me. 

Nov 1, 2014

Well. The whole San Francisco experience could be going smoother. I ended up with a throbbing toothache and ended up getting another one yanked out yesterday. The state of my mouth is so tragic. I don't know what hurts now, the unwelcome trigeminal neuralgia or the oral surgery. All I know is they prescribed the good stuff and I'm all over it cause I need it and that is not fun.

Had my second critique today and it got me thinking that I need to get to a more artistically spiritual place. There is a process at work and its one of those things that really kick in when an artist can totally surrender to it. For me that means letting go of a lot of my defense mechanisms. That would be a lot of letting go. I gotta get there. I might need a retreat that involves a giant tent, a fire pit and some kind of hallucinogenic.

I just hate it when I think I'm eating a totally clean GF/CF meal and I get a reaction. Owie. My stomach hurts. That waitress lied to me!!! #%^*!!!!