clickmom

Shiraz

That last post was old old old. I guess I never published it off my phone. I'm at the theater and I forget how the AARP crowd loves perfume. It reminds me of my mom. All my friends are at the public school for the sixth grade concert. I got to hear Josh participate in a drum circle last week. I like private better. Anyway, there is always a wine tasting before opening night and I'm pretty psyched because I found a pretty good Australian Shiraz that is reasonably priced. By now I'm not feeling the pain of Evans afternoon driving lesson during which he did not brake when I screamed brakebrakebrake when the idiot before him stopped in two lanes. I'm not sure I have the right disposition for teaching driving. I do have the right disposition for wine tasting though. Yay Shiraz!

Good day still worried

Went skiing with Josh and Ev today. Luckily two of Evan's friends were there for him because Josh and I are the bunny hill type. Evan is a good skier. I'm so tired I could melt into the couch.

I'm totally anxious about hearing from the other university. They said second week in March. I am compulsively checking my email. I wish they could know how badly I want it.

I'm too scared to walk on the lake even though its so frozen there are snowmobiles zooming by. Maybe that is how I met my demise in a previous life. My fear is almost irrational. Definitely too big for a city girl who never even stood on a frozen lake until the tender age of 20.

I'm taking a workshop in a printing process called cliche verre. I'm extra psyched because it might also help me to express the color of voices when I get that project underway. I'm ridiculously in overdrive thinking about this project.

larger

I went shopping today.

I had to buy some new clothes in a larger size. 

Sigh.

I'm telling myself it is just fine if I end up going back to my usual clothes half way through the summer.  I feel so bad about all this weight I've gained.  To make things even more complicated I have kept up the running since mid March when Josh and I decided we were going to run.  Now my legs are muscling out.  I wore my extemely wide calfed boots last week and noticed they they were pretty darn snug at the calf.  Which gets me down since I think my calves are freakishly large. Also, I can feel the muscles firming up in my thighs and butt.  Just wish it was all getting smaller instead.

Then when I was driving home from the mall with my bags of new larger sized clothes in the back of my new little car and I saw a very slim lady walking with a friend and this lady had the strongest looking legs (as in big calves) and I thought she had gorgeous legs, so I am telling myself that my lovely legs of the past are still there underneath and when I lose this extra weight I'm carrying I'll see them again.

I need to do some other exercises for the rest of me.

Except I am still feeling the shoulder/neck injury from when I fell out of sylvia and got my arm wrapped in the seat belt and ended up hanging from the seat belt on my way down.  I guess I can do some sit ups.  I wish I had a gym.  I wish I had the posh club.

I also seriously miss our old synagogue.  We had to go to a bar mitzvah preparation event today and being at the new synagogue makes me mis my old one.  Part of it was going to services with the kids, which I can't believe I miss, but I do, and the second thing is that the old synagogue was warm and welcoming and the new one is not.  No one ever even looks at me, let alone tries to talk to me.  

When I put Josh in prvate school and I showed up for a PTO meeting or at the end of the day to pick him up the other mothers all came up and introduced themselves.  Now I know that this friendliness  is kind of mandated by the philosophy of the school but it made me so happy.  It was really nice.  I'm going to try to be that friendly person when someone new shows up.

camera

I had to send my camera back to Canon for a cleaning and a check up and I have been so incredibly worried about it.  There was a disclaimer from Canon which stated that if they could not fix the problem they would substitute a comparable refurbished camera.  I don't want a refurbished camera!  I want my old spotted up sensor camera, which with I am completely zen.

Last night I went to a member's meeting at the local print center.  Remember that I submitted five prints to a miniature print contest and three were chosen?  The director of the center kidded me that his prints didn't make the cut and I got three in.  Yikes!  I didn't know what to say.  But I was smiling on the inside.  

I printed up a little series of 12 prints to submit to a print exchange.  I feel all insecure and unsire of myself and then I have to remind myself that other people will take me seriously if I do.

Speaking of being taken seriously, I am more nervous than I want to admit about graduate school.  Here is a list of my insecurities.  

My camera won't be working by the summer and I am not emotionally prepared to part with it, also I am waiting for a really high mega pixel version to come out before I am emotionally prepared  to replace it.

I am going to be 25 years older than the other students.  My gray hair side burns have been picking up speed this winter.  

I am going to be the worst at photoshop.  I am a purist.  I don't do very much to my photos.

I am going to be all around computer illiterate compared to the youngsters in my class.

I don't know much about current hot photographers or trends.

They might listen to weird music.

I don't want to tell a group of starangers that I have food issues which make me a big pain in the ass to dine out with.

 

deja 4 years later

Things change a lot in four years.  My hair is getting gray, so is bear bait's, we moved (who saw that coming?), Josh grew at about a foot and half and Sylvia is in desperate condition and replaced.

What has not changed in the last four years is the head to toe paralyzing fear while being in the passenger seat during a driving lesson with my own child.  Yes folks, sweet baby Evan turned 16 yesterday and we headed for motor vehicles where he successfuly tested for his driver's permit.  Yay Evan!  The good news is that Evan is a half way decent driver, especially for someone who just spent his first 30 minutes behind the wheel.  The bad news is that Evan wants to go as fast as everyone else does around here, which means (no exaggeration) 15 miles an hour or more over the speed limit on these 25 mph new town streets.  Not cool Evan!  I told him if he got a speeding ticket it was going to be bad bad news.

Which reminds me of the time Matt's driving teacher (in stepford the kids had to have 6 hours with an instructor before going out with their parents) dropped him off after his final lesson.  Matt's teacher said "Well, you won't have to worry about him speeding." which was true.   I'd have to say "Matt, you have to go more than 15!"  With Evan I am already saying "Slow down!!"

Action!

I got into grad school!  The email came through Monday night while I was sitting transfixed in front of the television watching the terrible news from the Boston marathon.  I had just opened my computer to see if there were more timely updates on line when the email popped in.  I took a deep breath, clicked on it and saw one word. CONGRATULATIONS.  I jumped off the couch, put my arms in the air and got so choked up I couldn't speak.  Josh looked nervous, butEvan very cooly glanced at me and said "You got in didn't you?"  I just silently beamed and nodded.

I'm going to visit Matt at Hipster College tomorrow to see a play which he directed.  When Evan was three years old he was obsessed with The Wizard of Oz and Matt very graciously sat through some part of that movie every day for about 6 months.  Matt decided that he should apply himself in memorizing the movie so that he could direct his own version of the play using his first grade classmates as actors.  Matt had the entire escapade planned out, but then his classmates lacked enthusiasm, so it was all for naught.  I'm not surprised Matt is directing.  He has unfinished business.  

I've been wondering exactly how light I can travel.  No jacket maybe?  It is spring, at least it is supposed to be spring somewhere, maybe actual real spring is in Hipster Town.  It sure isn't here in New Town, where I froze my thighs off walking bear bait in a jacket, as opposed my ankle length down coat that I am trying so hard to move away from.   I checked the forecast for Hipster Town and tomorrow the high is supposed to be 68.  Hello 68!  Saturday's high is 46.  Are you freaking kidding me???

we got nothing

One of my sweetest Evan memories happened during the summer of 2007.  We were renting someone else's cabin at the lake because ours was under construction and there were meteor showers predicted for after 11 that night.  Josh was fast asleep and Evan and I stepped out onto a tiny little second floor balcony, which luckily faced the right direction and stood in the quiet night spotting one meteor after another.  He stood in front of me, leaning back on me, head turned towards the sky and I can remember wanting to freeze that moment forever, I was so full of love for him and the moment was precious, knowing it was only a heart beat away that he'd be a teeanger who wanted nothing to do with me.

I was the only one excited about the slim possibility of seeing northern lights in the Connecticut sky last night.  Even though we were not in the best geographical position I set up my camera and sat vigil waiting for anything to light up the sky.  The rest of the family sat comfortably inside with screens lighting up their faces, and I hovered by the window checking web sites for any information that I could find.  In the end they all went to bed and bear bait and I ended up outside for about half an hour listening to some far away frog noises and relaxing under the stars.  I gave up around 11 and ultimately nothing spectacular (or even lack luster) happened, so I didn't miss a thing ,except maybe the chance to sit quietly in the night with someone I love.  

 

wet

My check engine light came on today in my brand new car.  Either it's hurt and annoyed that I haven't lovingly bestowed a name upon it yet, or I bought a lemon.  Also, Matt's car is one of those involved in the huge recall that was just announced.  Thinking that my baby was driving around in a car that might not have functioning airbags is frightening.

Something is going on with me.  Today I took a three hour nap.  Yesterday I made it through by the virtue of FOUR cups of coffee.  Monday I passed out while parked in the car waiting for Josh and was so out of it I couldn't talk for a bout an hour afterwards.

I was going to print all day tomorrow but now I am going to go to the implant maker and explain to him why the one he made for me was unacceptable and then to the car dealer so he can not only tell me why the check engine light is on but also why occasionally people can not understand what I say on the blue tooth and the stereo sound gets muffled like someone threw a wet towel on the speakers.

eye roll

Almost every night I lie with a heating pad on my neck, or sore jaw, or throbbing face muscles (thank you dentist!) or some other part of me.  How did people survive without electricity and doesn't getting old suck?  

So, the little victory from the last post makes me happier every time I think about it.  I'm trying not to think about the wait-list deal.  I am giving that decision up to fate, because if I get in Hurray! and if I don't I'll be trying again next year, hopefully with a few more juried show victories under my belt. I graduated college in 1987, so it isn't like I'm in a rush or anything.  

In the mean time I am praying that my fantasy camera hits the markets and I can get my paws on one.  My old faithful, the camera that I am so very zen one with, is faltering and it is scaring me.  I hope, like Sylvia who is now languishing in my garage,  that my old soul mate camera manages to hold on long enough to be replaced.  I remember when the husband gifted her to me and I was not ready to give up my first digital camera, and I barely looked at her for 6 months, until finally I brought her on a vacation to Alaska and was blown away by how this camera "saw" the same nuances that I saw when shooting.  We were in sync from the very first shot.  She's kind of like a good dog.  Once you have one you want them to live forever.

Speaking of dogs (notice that I did not say "Speaking of good dogs?")  bear bait is rubbing my last nerve raw with her whining and her barking.  I am taking both as a sign of her advenced age.  Bear bait whines to me all day long and barks non stop at the wind and invisible fairy flitting by when I let her out into the yard.  I wouldn't be surprised if my neighbors were drawing up a formal letter of complaint against us right now.   

Evan is into Game of Thrones but oddly enough I detest anything that hints of medieval times, and I suspect I had a rough go of it in some medieval past life.  What other excuse can there be?  Once we took the kids to Medieval Times for the dinner with jousting and when the server came up and said we should call her WENCH I just shook my head NO and said I could not possibly do that.  Also, jousting?  I'm rolling my eyes.

not so miniature victory

I took the whole wait-list/second tier/quasi rejection thing pretty hard.  I didn't discuss it until the next day when I saw a friend and burst into tears, alarming her.  She imagined something was (god forbid) wrong with one my kids.  Then two days after I walked into my newest therapist's office and before I even sat down she asked what was going on because she sensed anger.  We discussed.  

Then I got some pretty freaking awesome news.  I entered 5 prints into a miniature print competition and 3 of them made the final cut!  I was totally psyched.  I saw the email while in Ikea and decided to do my happy dance on the spot.  Hands in the air and everything.  There are some people walking around the nutmeg state right now who think I really really like Ikea.

Today was day three in my new car. On the first day I did a lot of running around and every time I found myself out of the car I had to wash black off of my hands.  It looked like I had been reading a newspaper from the 1970's, when reading the newspaper used to turn your hands black.  I was concerned that the dye from my black steering wheel was coming off on my hands.  But then I used the bathroom in my own house and thought for a second that my legs were all bruised until I realized that my new black pants must be the culprit and happily I drove my new car (still nameless) the second day while wearing old well washed pants and no part of me turned black.  Now I am afraid to wash the new pants with other non black clothes.  But that should be the worst of my troubles.