clickmom

swinging

If I don't get a good night's sleep tonight I just might snap.  Between Josh coming into my room with a stomache ache,  insane wind, crashing 150 year old trees, power outages causing the dog's invisible fence alarm to beep incessantly and the house alarm to signal a service interruption, and drinking too much before bed, I am a walking zombie.  I'm pretty sure I haven't been this tired since Matt was a toddler who hadn't slept more than two consecutive hours for almost two years.

I am currently fantasizing about going to sleep awesomely tired, being snuggly, sleeping soundly and waking up rested.  Does that happen after a certain age?  I feel like a good night's sleep is a distant unattainable dream.

I'm afraid I am ridiculously dependent on electricity to fall asleep.  Last night when the power went out and I was woken by the house alarm signal, I tried to turn on the light, typed in the code, tried to turn on the light, used the bathroom, tried to turn on the light, found my phone to set another kind of alarm, tried to turn on the light, gave up and tried to go back to sleep.  When sleep wasn't happening I thought about turning on the TV, not without electricity, listening to sounds of the shore on my sound machine, not without electricity, putting the heating pad on my chest to stop the (still from the flu!) hacking cough, not without electricity, and then finally I cried myself to sleep.  Just kidding.  I dozed off, just long enough to have a disturbing dream about having no clothes and scheming to get some perfect white ones and ending up with ill fitting drab colored old lady clothes.  Then the school called to report a two hour delay opening but I couldn't go back to sleep after answering the phone.  I'm pretty sure the clothes dream has a deeper meaning but I'm too mind numbingly tired to figure it out.  I declare that if anyone tried to wake me up tonight I am going to wake up swinging.

happy tired

Tonight I'm printing transparencies with which I am going to make intaglio prints.  I'm sitting at my desk, printing away and the truth is that I am so tired I can barely focus my eyes but I'm so happy that I just keep telling myself I will finish soon and that I just want to do a little bit more.  I promised myself I would get more involved with a printing organization not too far from me (I am printing in preparation for a workshop I am taking Saturday) and I think the thrill of being part of this place which seems almost too good to be true, is making me giddy.

Now I just need those grad school acceptance letters to roll in.  Or not.  I'm just gonna roll with the punches.

birds

When Matt was a baby I lived in Park Slope.  It was different there then, it was smaller and it was much less mall like.   We ised to love to go to Prospect Park and feed the ducks with another mother and her baby.  As the kids got older Matt would excitedly call out "Duck water!  Duck water!" when he saw me grabbing stale bread for our outing.  One nice spring day the other mother and I were at the pond with the kids when three boys came along who were, judging by the backpacks they wore, cutting school and on their way somewhere. The boys paused alsong side of us to observe the swimming ducks and one of them picked up a fallen branch and tossed it.  Much to all of our surpirse (the boys were shocked too) the branch hit one of the ducks, breaking it's neck.  The duck thrashed around widly for a bit before drowning.  It was horrifying.  

The other day I drove over a bridge and couldn't figure out what a man, who seemed to be having some kind of jerky motions was doing.  As I passed him I figured out that he was tossing bread to a flock of flying seagulls and for some reason, this man reminded me of the boy who unintentionally killed the duck.  I'd like to believe that the boy grew up and went out of his way to be extra kind to animals for the rest of his life and did things like stand on a bridge tossing old bagels to flocks of seagulls.

Sharnice Jones' cheeks

Yesterday I was driving to pick  Josh up from school and I got a flat tire.  What a bummer.  Then the AAA guy couldn't find some kind of spare tire release rod that I am quite certain had been floating around my truck trunk for years and probably I took it out at some point having no idea what it was or where it came from so I had to get towed on a flat bed to the mechanic who is replacing my two real trires as I type.  I'm so trying to hard to remain loyal to Sylvia, but she isn't making it easy!  My goal is for Sylvia to outlast bear bait because I plan on taking a dog (and dog filth) break after bear bait and want to have a nice shiny dog hair/filth free vehicle for a short, but oh so enjoyable, period.

Speaking of bear bait, it's bitter cold and windy around here this morning and for the next few mornings at least, and I am not sure how to tell when it gets too cold for bear bait.  She can't layer up.  Though my cheeks don't like this weather, I feel like every day I am walking around with red chapped cheeks, which always makes me think about one of my students from the first year I taught.  Her name was Sharnice Jones, and she was such a little smart-  fire cracker - brilliant light- kid.  Sharnice lived with her grandmother and her grandma used to coat her cheeks with vaseline in weather like this.  I wonder if vaseline really helps.  Also, if Sharnice happens upon this post because she is googling herself, leave a message!  You know you were one of my favorites Sharnice Jones, and I would love to know that you grew up happy.  

frozen water and chlorinated water

I went to utopia and I didn't bring my camera because between the dusty sensor and the rapidly failing battery it is kind of getting me down and also because I didn't think there would be anything special about today's sunrise since the lake is frozen and it wouldn't reflect anything, but I was totally wrong.  This morning there was a briliiant magenta sunrise with bands of reflection on the ice where the wind had blown the snow off of the frozen lake and then I walked bear bait on the dam I've been photographing all summer and there was more to enjoy, but no camera. Boo Hoo.

When I was beside the dam, looking up at a mountain of monotonous rocks, the flat clouds were blowing by so fast it looked like time lapse photography and I had to look away because it made me feel like the ground was moving.  Ofcourse, I kept stopping and looking.  Naturally.

I think I might join the Y so I can swim.  I really want to swim, even though the local Y is kind of nasty and old in a bad, not charming, wear flip flops, don't sit on anything in the locker room, stay away from the walls in the shower way.   I'll have to look at it again now that the posh club is a distant memory.

WORST FLU EVER

Well, Flu sucked.  Seriously.  So far I am 12 days out and I still have a cough that is so hard I have to brace myself so my internal organs stay internal.   Evan is 10 days out and if he gets any skinnier he won't be able to get off the couch.

The good news is that yesterday I was still too tired to leave the house so I set up my new basement workspace instead.  It's printing time!! I also printed out a portrait I took of bald Josh.  It's goign to be the first print I'm making in my new workspace.  It only took me 16 months to set up!  I am such a snail.

 

 

flu day 6

Realized last night that I never shared the agony of a hotel room bed bug infestation with you.  AGONY, it is quite horrifying to know in the back of your mind that the itchiness you feel was caused by parasitic vermin that had been snacking on you while you slept. While it is reassuring that the dozens of pathogens beg bugs harbor are not typically tranmitted to humans it doesn't make you wish for skin transplants any less.  Also, these freaking marks will not go away!!

One of my new town friends commented on feeling unnattractive the other day and in a not very sensitive or politically correct way, I reminded her that since the end of September I had been hospitalized, undergone surgery, gained 30 pounds, covered in repulsive bed bug bites and am now bed ridden with the flu from which my lingering symptoms are coughing so hard I wretch and wet my pants and on and off bouts of excessive sweating.  I'm pretty sure this qualifies me for early admissions to the old folks home.

I'm dreaming about getting myself in shape again.  The thing I'm stuck on is that I don't want to be dependent on a trainer.  I'll have to think that one through some more. Not sure what I'm being all weird about a trainer for.  

Right now I'll settle for sleeping through the night without caughing so hard my eyes bulge and I have to cross my legs or sweating through my night shirt.  Flu sucks.

things I told myself today

Today being the first day I left the house after being bedridden with the hellish flu that is going around this season.  I would not have left the house at all except that Josh had to get to his rehearsal, it is the last week, the play in this weekend and he had to be there.  Naturally, if I was going to get in the car I figured I could dash (hahaha!  dashing after the flu!) in and out of a couple of stores and grab a couple of things.  

I never learn.

Here is the list:

What I thought stepping ut the door: "OH MY GOD moving fresh air on my face feels so totally amazing!"

What I thought leaving the last store to come back home: "This f#$%king air is freezing!"

What I thought parking at the grocery store: "I can do this, I know where everything is, I'll grab, pay and go"

What I thought while in the store: "Where the hell is iced tea!!!!!!!!"

What I thought outside the pharmacy: "This will be easier"

What I thought while in the pharmacy "I'll just stand in the corner pretending to ponder paper towels until I stop shaking and sweating"

I may have done too much today.