clickmom

plans for coffee

Thank you, Molly for the encouragement.

I feel sad tonight.  Even though my pain is way way down, I noticed I was walking with my usual speed and swagger during bear bait's daily, I am still overly annoyed simply by the presence of pain.  I think that in my 47 years I have had more than my fair share of physical pain.  That last gall bladder attack took it to a new level though.  In the hospital they like you to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten.  I have a new reality for my ten.  I'm still a little in awe of how much that hurt.  Also, I'm still shaking my head in disbelief over how that pain and the fear I felt because of it reduced me to one of those crazy screaming ranting patients.

tsk tsk.

I wish I could believe that I would wake up tomorrow with no pain at all.

I finally (first time since I've been back from utopia) got my camera out and attempted to take some photos. Unfortunately the sky clouded over with thick black clouds and thunder began to rumble and I had to make a dash to the car and back to the house.  But I am happy that I dusted the camera off, out the camera to my face and did what I do!  Maybe this week I will explore some spots that have captured my attention.  Last week it hurt too much to pick the camera up.  My camera is seriously heavy.  I'm good now.  I gotta get my photo groove back.  

When the surgeon told the husband after my surgery that everything went well he mentioned that I might have more energy now.  I'm ready for that more energy.  I didn't take a mid mornng nap today for the first time since the surgery.  I felt it too.  I'm considering becoming dependent on coffee.  I have known women who were coffee addicts.  They were very productive.  I read somewhere that an intolerance to caffeinated beverages is one of the possible side effects to losing your gall bladder.  I better not have that side effect.  I don't drink coffee often but when I do it is because I need it.  I like to stop by the bucks before road trips.  Though with utopia being only an hour away from me now I don't really take too many road trips anymore.

hoping two is a charm

I no longer feel 6 months pregnant  with hard unmoveable bloat.  Now I feel 4 months pregnant, which is a 2 month improvement over night.  Whew.

Also, even though I did sneak in a nap this morning I do feel my energy coming back.  I was able to walk bear bait fora whole hour this morning.  Mostly because I bumped into the politically fringe dog owner and she wouldn't let me head back to my car, so we kept walking walking walking.  It's okay, I need to get my groove back, and we talked about my coyote visitor and she retold the story of some of her crazy family members (fourth time I've heard it!) who gave her grief 30 years  ago.  

Speaking of my coyote, he is still around.  He just sauntered across by back yard.  It's kind of bold how he acts like he pays the big a$$ taxes around here.  I think I need to saunter around like I own the place where ever I go.  It might be a life lesson.  

I want to do some portrait projects with two dofferent groups of people here.   New town is not diverse at all, and might even be less diverse than stepford was, as a matter of fact, I have heard people calling new town stepford-like.  It's sad but in this area that is the kind of town you have to live in for a great school system.  Anyway, my portraits highlight people that do not fit in, either by color or by socio economic groups. I think I have some takers, so I'm pretty freaking excited about it! 

I'm getting my head in the right place for preparing my portfolio.  Trying not to get my hopes up this time around though.  I'll apply a third time if I have to!

 

maybe or maybe not

I've been thinking about taking this blog down for a while now, or at least not paying for it anymore.  It just (obviously) doesn't make it to my priority list much anymore.  Part of me thinks maybe I said what I had to say, other part thinks that is because I am having a hard time conjuring the funny, and still another part keeps telling me I'm not finished yet, and that what I already have down is only part of the story.  

Of course, when you leave out (the ugly or the bad) stuff, it is always going to only be part of the story.  I can't go back back and fill in the missing pieces, and I wouldn't want to because when I chose to leave something out it was always for a good reason.  Sometimes it was out of respect for my family's privacy, (I know, blog and privacy are oxymorons) sometimes because sharing was unflattering and I don't believe in airing all of eveyrone's dirty secrets, including my own.

I wonder if I can download the entire blog onto a hard drive and save it.  I wonder if I should bother.  Would anyone ever want to sift through it?  I have doubts.  Maybe I can print it out, post by post and stick it in a binder fo rmy kids to toss into the trash when they bury me.  This is post 2,248 so that would be quite the time, paper and ink investment.  Since I never managed to get around to making my wedding album, I'm figuring printing this baby isn't going to happen for a couple decades at least.

I dunno.  I feel like I need to recommit or end it.

I thought posts through during the last week.  I ended up in the ER with the most intense, overwhelming and frightening pain of my life.  I was reduced to screaming "Help me! Help me!" even though a tiny rational voice in the back of my head was trying to tell me to communicate on a higher level for better service.

It turns out that my gall blsdder, which I have been avoiding for two years now, was way past due in coming out.  I haven't seen the lab reports yet, but from what the surgeon said it was funky in shape size and color, and we know I had an impressive infection going on too.  Hurray for IV pain killers!  I did not say NO to drugs until that pain was manageable.  Which was pretty much as soon as they surgically removed the villian.  I say GOOD RIDDANCE!  So glad to have that behind me now.

I came home from the hospital to find a wounded coyote is now hanging out in our back yard.  One day he was licking his bloody back, the next day he was chowing down on something furry.  My guess is a ground hog.  Then he was just kind of lounging in the sun.  I feel like there should be some symbolism there, a coyote with a wounded back, me clutching the belly button incision which still stings like crazy, both of us doing what we have to do to get by.  Maybe my native name can be "One with Coyote" or something.

There was a guy on the news this week who is getting slack for claiming to like one of his sons more than the other.  It's kind of bullshit, because obviously, it's a slow news week, and also because the un-liked son is only two, so he is just a baby and DUH! babies are more work than play, so who the heck cares what this moron dad thinks.  It has however, caused me to pause and think about how different my three sons are and how differently I like each one of them.  I like them in different ways and also more or less depending on their different ages.  I can't compare one to the other.  I'm too focused on their uniqueness and they can't be compared to each other.  I fel like if I am going to continue with this blog, I should focus more on the kids and what each one of them brings to the table.  After all, if someone would ever plow through all of this I'm thinking it might be one of them.  Looking for clues to share with the looney bin staff perhaps?  Maybe or maybe not.

zen place

Sometimes I have one of those days when everything goes smoothly and I get everything of what I need to get done and I am all smiling and peaceful and satisfied and zen.  Then there are days like today, when I think I have it all planned out but the pharmacy doesn't carry what has been prescribed, and neither does the next three closest pharmacies and I go to the wrong paint store (yes, I'm in choosing a paint colors and yes, I am driving myself insane over it) with a different brand of paint, so I have to figure out where to go for what I thought I wanted but turned out to be totally wrong for the world's most challengeing fireplace color to co-exist with.  Then there is the horrid pre-colonoscopy (routine, no worries) fasting I'm doing, where I force down two bottles of vitamin water only to reread the directions that state not to drink anything red or purple (gues which two flavors I chose!) and ofcours, Evan, who typically either brings his friends home or goes a friend's down the block, decides to hop on the shcool bus to hang out with a friend who lives as far as possible from us and he has to be back at the school at 5:15, while Josh has to be at his acting class also at 5:15 and I am supposed to start taking the harsh brutal frightening chemical laxatives that I had to search the entire tri state area (exaggerate much?) for this morning at 5.  Having trouble finding my zen place right now.

not aging gracefully

When bear bait walks across the floor I can hear her feet slapping the wood.  She walks as if she has big clown shoes on.  It makes me sad.  I've been walking her for only a mile or maybe an occasional mile and a half at a time.  She isn't full out limping, she just moves like an old dog now.  I drive to where I walk her just so I can do the entire walk in the pleasant atmosphere of the fields and not waste precious walk mileage on walking next to the street to get to the fields.  Also because people in new town drive INSANE and I am not exaggerating.  They scare me.

In the mean time I started to have an upset stomach in the end of August.  I attributed it to stress, since the summer was soon to be over and unwelcomed real life was looming large over me.  Well, the upset stomach turned into stuff you don't want to see in the bowl and now I am scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday.  ick.  There is more though, and more means swelling and tenderness and just about every symptom (except weight loss, it is NEVER weight loss) for a variety of cancers, including but not even close to limited to peritoneal mesothelioma (my mom's asbestos related cancer).  Damn you Dr. Google!!  I'm pretty sure people don't usually think "If I was going to havecancer sylptoms this would be an excellent time for it to happen" but the timing?  Not ideal.  I feel like I have a lot on my plate.  I'm always worried abou the husband's health and I really feel like nothing should be allowed to happen that overshadows that.  I can not multi-worry and I can not be sick!  I've pretty much turned into that annoying old lady who only eats steamed chicken breasts and bland foods.  Damn my stomach.

that grad school application time of year again

I've been playing words with friends and I get a juvenile thrill over playing words like shits and coked.  You know, because I'm so bad ass.  (not)

I've been debating (with myself, I look like I'm insane) wether or not to apply to more than one graduate school this time around.  Y@le is actually the most geographically convenient to me, and also it's rated #1, and everyone knows it's the best MFA program, so it is the one and only school I really want to go to.  A fellow artist/dog owner that I chat with sometimes told me he is taking classes at Columbia and what a drag the long commute by train is.  That was pretty much all I had to hear.  I don't want to commute to a school that isn't my first choice!  There are two schools in NY that are highly rated for a masters in photography, Columbia and School of Visual Arts.  Theoretically I'd like to go to either, but fear the dreaded commute will be incredibly harsh along with the nagging feeling that I should be home taking of someone I gave birth to makes me not want to rely on public transportation or have a long commute.  I guess I could always edit photos on a train.  But I don't want to.  I'd much much rather sing in my car and arrive all relaxed and ready to go and not have to schlep huge boxes of printing paper on the trains.  I just totally talked myself out of applying anywhere else.  There is one more program about an hour drive from me, that is specifically designed for working people to go kind of part time, as in full weeks here and there but not every week.  I'm pretty damned sure I'd prefer a more typical weekly schedule though. What I really want is to hang out with people that I can talk all artsy theory to and not feel like I am talking them into a stupor.  

But then I keep remembering how last year I worked so hard on my application and felt so foolish when Y@le rejected me and I hadn't applied anywhere else.

So, I feel like I need a plan of action for this time around.  

Here is my plan.  This year, I cross my fingers, put all my eggs in one basket and apply to only Y@le again.  If they reject me again, then next fall I will apply to everyone around and see where I get in.  That way Josh will be a year older, and a year more independent and Evan can maybe drive him places ( I just gave myself a heart attack thinking about Evan driving already.  How the hell do they grow up so fast?)  he needs to be, and it will all be better in the end.  Yup.  It's gonna be Y@le only this year again.