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five days in and still hungry as can be

Day 5 found me feeling better than day four that's for sure!  I wasn't as headachy and not nearly as tired either.  I have been quite bitchy, however, but today I realize I have a perfect storm, a trifecta of bitchiness that can not be denied.  I have stress from the whole husband injured, sick, gets surgery ordeal, I am freakin hungry enough to eat trees, and now I am on the rag.  As I told lil sis earlier, it's a miracle I'm not in a holding cell somewhere. Oh the damage I could inflict right now! 

If I tell you the things I tossed while cleaning out the fridge today you are going to think I am quite the (fat) party girl.  Olives, maraschino cherries, coconut milk,  2 mostly drunk bottles of wine, one bottle of some fruity mixer I found along the way, lime juice, caramel, chocolate fudge, quick hardening peanut flavored ice cream shell, butterscotch sauce, and then some other stuff I so very much wanted to eat like pickles, caviar spread, and peanut butter.  I kind of sound like a bachelor, don't I?

I was still feeling quite hungry all day today.  Being back in utopia is a mixed blessing because we are in the sticks out here and I can't pretend to run a quick errand to a place convenient to a juice bar so I don't have to juice my own stuff.  Cleaning the juicer is annoying and I think something is wrong with my juicer anyway. I'm getting a ton of foam.  I keep thinking how much more satisfying this would be if I just ate the vegetables instead of juiced them.

I'm obviously too tired to type right now, so I'm going to drag myself into bed as soon as I try ti trick bear bait into eating a spinach salad by pouring some meat juice on the spinach.  Don't ask.

tough day juice fasting

Today was a tough fasting day.  It's my 4th day of eating onlyn fruit and veggies my second of all juice.  My tummy is rumbling and rumbling away.  It hasn't figured this out yet.  Also, I woke up with the headache I've had off and on (but mostly on) for two weeks and I am starting to wonder what is going on with this everlasting headache.  I do not like it!  Go away! 

I'm thinking a lot about food, but not about crappy food.  I had a cooking fantasy that involved a whole snapper and also I'm lusting after some turkey I bought for the husband (who is home from the hospital and in so much pain he is moaning in his sleep) and Josh (poor thing getting gypped out of his lake time) to eat.  I guess it's a protein thing. 

My resolve was weakening today I started thinking that maybe I'd juice fast for only a month or until I lost the first 25 pounds, or something shorter than 60 days.  I am hoping that the "feel really good" part of fasting is around the corner for me.  I'm specifically hoping that the "feel really good" part of fasting begins tonight or at least tomorrow when I open my eyes.  I had a little boost yeaterday when I woke up ridiculously happy.  It was a great feeling and I had no idea if I was possibly dreaminga happy dream or where it came from.  I'd like to wake up that way every day.

In unrelated news, I went to the bank to cash a refund check from pervert yoda today.  I asked the teller if I could take the money straight from his account because I didn't trust him and the teller looked to see if the check was going to bounce and sure enough there were not sufficient funds for the check to clear.  I knew it!  Next stop: small claims court.  What a jerk!  I'm so angry with him!

 

all juiced

Preparing food for the family is going to be hard during this fast.  I'm trying to figure out how I am going to offer them healthy home made food and ignore it.  Since Josh and I spent the afternoon at the hospital visiting the husband and his newly bionic elbow I picked up some prepared food when we swung by whole paycheck for my bags and bags of vegetables for tomorrow.  All I had to do was pop Josh's dinner into the toaster oven for 10 minutes.  The whole house smells delightful.  My mouth is watering.  I want to chew.

But I'm not going to.  In three days I feel such pain relief that I can't even think of falling off the wagon.  Also, I can already feel my pants (which I purchased this spring because last year's pants were way too snug and was about to outgrow due my most recent week long super binge) loosening up.  I think that when I eat wrong I just swell up.  Tongiht I glanced the reflection of my face and didn't register it was me.  THREE DAYS!

I'm still not skinny.  tsk tsk tsk

Today I drank only juice.  It wasn't so bad.  I can stick with it.  I'm still pretty exhausted, but who knows if that has anything to do with the juice or with the stress of having a less than healthy husband in the hospital just out of surgery.  If I was the pill type tonight would be a sleeping pill evening.  I just want to be knocked out for 8 solid hours.

By the way this morning the hospital gave my diabetic husband pancakes and a blueberry muffin for breakfast. You don't want to know what his blood sugar was when they checked it before lunch.  Don't eat hospital food people.

 

all juice fast

Two days of all fruit and veggies with a little fresh juice tossed in for good measure and today I officially begin the 60 day all juice version of THE DAY I RECLAIMED MY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH.  I will admit to being tired yesterday and headachy this morning.  But under the circumstance of my INSANE (in a bad way) life, I have no idea if it is even remotely related to the good clean eating I have managed to pull off despite tuesday being an early round of presurgery doctor visits and tests followed by a 300 mile round trip excursion to Evan's summer camp (Bye Ev!  Lucky dog!) and yesterday being a 13.5 hour hospital wait for the husband to have some last minute presurgery tests and then surgery/recovery.  The good news is that there are at least two places within a mile of the hospital that I can get a fresh vegetable juice from.  That doesn't mean much since he is getting out today or tomorrow, but to be honest I was quite proud that I had even figured out for myself how to get some fresh juice.  That is the kind of thing (you know the things that mean I'm taking care of myself) I normally sweep under the rug during any one else's crisis.

I've been waking up puffy and swollen every morning because I was so far off the deep end of eating for a while there and that puffiness is gone today.  It feels much nicer to wake up and be able to open my eyes all of the way.  

I have that "no patience" mind set going on already and was put off by not seeing tremendous changes in the mirror (two whole whopping days behind me!) , but l am taking solace in the fact that this method will result in much faster changes than less harsh methods, and that fast change is something I do need to be part of this journey.  I wish I could avoid mirrors for 60 days or wake up and realize that I have been juicing for 60 days and I look fabulous.  

Call me 60 days from now.

new leaf

I'm going to evolve into a diet/weight loss blog for a while here. I don't suppose my five readers will mind.

The backstory is that last spring one of my utopian friends emerged trim and strong after a long period of some kind of mysterious illness that doctors and specialists were not able to diagnose.  What was the neighbor's secret?  Juicing.  In addition to his typical diet he was drinking fresh made vegetable juice twice a day.  He lost a ton of weight, was mysterious symptom free, and looked 15 years younger.  So, I dusted off my 20 year old juicer and juiced away.  In the 3 weeks that the kids were all away at there various summer activites I lost some pounds, felt strong, calm and clear headed and came  through the whole torture of moving pretty damned good.  Once the kids came back all that juicing fell to the way side, marshmallows took over, I regained the weight, and ended the summer on a low note.

Then we actually moved into new town and I was so acutely lonely all winter long that I stuffed my face with everything I could get my hands on including wheat and dairy, which led to a 20 pound weight gain, tons of pain, gall bladder attacks, general bloatedness and feeling sickly.  I sure the actual weight gain is more since I really haven't been exercise dedicated for over a year now.  Muscle loss!

In the mean time I realized that a few people I take advice from all kind of believe that nothing that happens to us is really random, and that happens to be a topic that has come up pretty often lately.  One friend described to me that how even if I ignore all the signs of a path that I should go down the universe will keep putting the choice in front of me until I choose it.  I've been trying to pay more attention.

I was lying in bed one night, giving myself a pep talk about  how this summer I was going to (finally!) make my own dietary needs a priority and how I had to get rid of the 20 pounds I had gained this winter and not stop til I had lost 50 pounds, and I was just asking myself how I was going to go about losing 50 pounds when a story or ad or something on the tv caught my eye and it was about weight loss.  I scribbled down the website, and didn't even have the time to check it out for a couple of days, then once I realized there was a video over an hour long to watch I had to wait a couple of more days to find a solid chunk of time to watch it and when I finally did watch the video I knew that destiny was tossing another solution right in my lap and that this was going to be the path I should take.

This is the video.

If you don't have the time to invest in watching the video I'll summarize for you:  A 342 pound guy with a serious immune disorder goes on a 60 day juice fast to lose weight and cure his immune disorder.  He video documents his journey.  While on the fast and talking to strangers about juice fasting he meets a housewife who does a short juice fast and stops having migraines and a 450 ish pound truck driver with the very same rare immune disorder who also hops on board.  In the end they are all thin, happy and healthy.  The story of the truck driver was especially touching because his transformaiton was that much greater and also because he seemed like an introspective and sensitive guy who also made other huge life changes, like not being a truck driver any more, helping other people in his community and opting for a more active life style. 

I'm going to start a 60 day vegetable juice fast tomorrow.

Yesterday and today I am eating only fruits and vegetables to ease myself into it and also becasue the husband managed to fall into an outhouse and completely break his elbow, which while totally hilarious and resulting in a plethora of crap and shit jokes, also landed him in the hospital, where I sit right now waiting for someone to show up and take him into surgery to repair what is left of his humerus bone.  He will be ( I wish!) bionic in a few hours and also never be able to have an MRI or go through an airport security scanner without a doctor's note explaining the hardware in his arm.  Ouch! 

 

busy week

1. Bear bait started limping again.  She has a huge skin infection, aka: hot spot, and by spot they mean half her leg and over her chest.  She has a twice a day regimine of prescription medicine, OTC medicine, supplements, friendly bacteria, and spinach.  Don't even ask about the spinach.  It was suggested and she is eating bowls of it.  I can tell she doesn't feel good.  She isn't herself.

2. I chipped a tooth.  A front tooth.  Naturally.

3. There was a bat in the house.  I locked it in a room until the bat experts could come and remove it.  It was no where to be found 12 hours later.  My fingers are crossed that it isn't lying dead in my air ducts right now.  I hear they smell extra bad.

4. I got two photos in a student show at the new town art center.  At first I didn't know what to think because it is a juried show and I was told I'd definitely get one of my photos in becuase it is a student show.  Then I got two photos in and I was told that they rarely ever take more than one piece from each participant, so I was over the puzzlement of being guaranteed a piece in a juried show and on to psyched.  

5. The water in new town was so chlorinated that every time I opened a tap I imagined a public pool being drained somewhere.  I had a whole house filter installed in the basement and now I feel safe enough to take a nice long bath and not emerge with green hair and smelling like the whites from a commercial laundry.  I haven''t done the bath thing yet, because my new town house does not have a nice and cozy bathroom, but I'm working on it.  I think maybe curtains might help.

6. I let the husband bring Josh for a long overdue haircut and now I have to bring Josh back to the barber because the hair cut he emerged with is reminiscent of my bitchy 6th grade teacher's mushroom ronald mcdonald red hair style back in 1976.  Except Josh still has beautiful blonde tresses.  He just looks like a girl.  Josh needs a redo.

7. Last weekend's "migraine" took four days to completely fade away.  I hope I didn't have an anuerysm and I hope I don't have brain cancer.

8. Sylvia is coasting on thin ice.  She needed a $300 repair this week. It was air bag related so I had to do it.  Safety first.  She better stay strong now.  

9. Speaking of Sylvia, I got rear ended!  I was at a red light and when the light in front of me turned green the three cars in front of me did not go, so someone drove right into my rear bumper.  I looked up to see a little honda something back there and an evil chuckle espaced from my throat.  I knew Sylvia would be unscathed and I knew the little silver honda was not going to come out so well.  I never got to see what happened to the honda because I drove forward too far and I guess she assumed I wasn't going to stop because she turned off and zipped away.  I don't care though.  

10. I am going to have stuff done in the kitchen over the summer.  I don't want to spend the money but the kitchen is too tacky horrible to live in.  I have to stop spending so much energy on hating this house.  I hate this house. 

simply annoyed

I'm so annoyed at REAL SIMPLE magazine right now.  I got my new issue, the cover promised me "The New Rules For againg Gracefully"  

Yeah Right.  On what freaking planet REAL SIMPLE??

Example of ridiculousness number 1:  They tell you to lighten your hair with streaks so the gray roots show less.  Also so you can have completely unnatural striped freaking hair, because how youthful is striped hair?  NOT!

ridiculousness number 2:  "Pony tails can be sophisticated"  They forgot to say: If you have a high priced hair stylist on your payroll.  Other wise you'll like you are either heading to the gym or haven't had time to wash your hair.  (Oh wait, maybe that is just me)  What they neglect to say: If you have a weird little pin head and are graying at the temples (like me) SKIP THE FREAKING PONY TAIL.

MOST RIDICULOUS: Your lips are better off RED!  REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE says that even if your pencil lips are thinning with age there is still a perfect red out there for you.  Wrong wrong wrong REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE, because there are certain people (hello!) who , even when (I)  they (was) were 16 years old couldn't pull off the red lip stick.  Behold! REAL SIMPLE magazine's skinny lipped model?

And now internet audience behold a slightly modified illustration of me wearing red lipstick:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I simply can not pull off the red. Never could.  Not a day in my life could I wear red lip stick and not look cruel and mean.   I dare anyone from REAL SIMPLE magazine to show up at my door with a red lip stick/gloss/tinted balm or stain that doesn't make me call for my flying monkeys and grab for my crystal ball.  I DARE YOU!!

Other bologna: long hair is hip (on Sunnybrook Farm that is), get some bangs (none of the models wore bangs), smoky eyes rock (I  gave myself some smokey eyes and asked Matt what he thought. Matt thinks that the smokey eyes make up style should be reserved for people with bulging eyes who want to make their eyes look smaller) and use foundation.  (Because everyone knows how successfully most women choose the right shade of sea sick foundation to settle into their fine lines and wrinkles.  Seriously  REAL SIMPLE!!) 

 

Here are my rules for aging gracefully:

1. Skip the botox and the filler.  Everyone is lying to you about looking great and they are laughing behind your back.  Nothing says "I am totally insecure about my looks" like trout pout and those weird downward pointing frozen inner eyebrows.  Also, keep it up long enough and the filler will make you look puffy and swollen, like you gnawed on a salt lick all of last week.  Not flattering.

2. Gray is a fact of life.  Purple is not.  Look at your hair color in the sun and if it is purple just shave your head.  You'll get sympathy and from people who think you are sick and that is better than walking around with humiliating eggplanty colored hair.  NO STREAKS!  Especially "chunky" streaks.  If your hairdresser recommends any kind of streaks for you, streak right out of that chair and into the street and don't stop til you are a safe distance away.  Streaks do not exist in nature unless you are a streaked tenrec or a Yorkie or something.  You always wanted one of those hair salon capes anyway, admit it.

3. When it comes to makeup, less is classy.  Leave the heavy duty stuff for the unwrinkled teenagers. Make up works much like injectables, too much will make you look embarrassed to be the bad ass wisdom filled older woman you are and make you look more like a drag queen or like Pamela Anderson coming out of the clubs at three in the morning or both.  tsk tsk.  You are way too intelligent to fall for too much makeup.

4. Heels are stupid.  They hurt your feet, knees, hips and spine, all of the original models of such are more valuable to you by the day.  Don't risk what you still have.

5. Put the girls away.  No one wants to see you tissue paper thin skin cleavage.  Or your bat wings for that matter.  Sleeves are your friends.  So are knee length walking shorts.

6. There is such a thing as too much jewelry.  (Not in your collection, but worn at one time)  If your ear lobes are brushing the tops of your shoulders you are no longer a candidate for earrings.  Try long, down to your bosom, necklaces.  They take the focus off your wrinkly neck.

7. Speaking of bosom, no pointy cone shapes, underarm poofs or inner spillage lumps.  Get a fitting at a solid bra shop.  A well fitted bra alone will take years off your look.  I promise.

 

manly stones

As if I am not already a fragile little egg, balancing on a wall, moments away from a great fall in which all the king's horsee and all the king's ...  okay, you get it.

Yesterday I took bear bait for a walk and bumped into the town paranoid conspiracy theorist kook.  She ranted and ranted for almost an hour.  She spewed some serious hate, cloaked in religion.  I told her not to go there, but she kept trying to go back there.  By the end I was shaken.

Vow: I will never walk alone with that lady again.  She is quiet in a group.

I didn't realize how much she had gotten her crazy under my skin when I came home and snapped at Matt.  Poor Matt.

Then I hopped into the car for the long freaking ride back to stepford so I could bring Evan in for his annual check up with good doc.  Sadly, I have not found anyone to replace him here.  It's a long way to go for a check up.

On our way home from stepford, we were driving along on a three lane highway.  I was in the left lane when a red car in the far right lane drifted first to the middle, sliding in uncomfortably close to the cars both in front and behind her, and then began to slide right towards the side of my car right where sweet baby Evan was sitting!  In my imagination I saw Evan's legs getting crushed.  In an instant I gripped the steering wheel, expecting imapct, stiffened my body and laid on the horn. The drifting driver stopped her drift and returned to the middle lane.

It was too late for my fragile psyche.  I had to cry.  I waited until we were safely home and I had gone to fetch Josh from school.  It was too much for me.

This morning I acccientally gave the arthritic bear bait twice the amount of NSAID that I am supposed to give her. I realized just as bear bait swallowed.  I called the vet (it was too early) I called the emergency vet, they gave me the phone number for the NSAID manufacturer, who it turns out will only talk to veterinarians, and not pet owners, but who did give me the special number for animal poison control.  

By the way, if you ever have to call animal poison control they are much less suspicious of you than they are at human poison control,when say for example,  you find your toddler sucking on the all natural orange essence air freshener you kept on the bathroom toilet even though it ony served to make the bathroom smell like orangey poops. 

Bear bait has to take antacids for the next week to make sure her stomach doesn't start bleeding from this morning's accidental OD.  I feel so guilty!

I had an unsatisfying visit with my photo teacher.  She curated a dinky little show and I went to see it because she said she'd be there this morning.  I was hoping to get some brown nose chat time in with her except someone else the teacher knew got to the show first so I was the third wheel.  

I had my gall bladder sonogrammed today and I have doubled the amount of gall stones in there. Last time I had two.   I'm now the (not in the least) proud owner of 4 gall stones, which according to the sonogram reading doctor are "quite substantial" in size.  I said "You mean I have I manly large gall stones?" and he agreed my gall stones appeared to be manly.  I'm so tough.  On the inside.

pretentious egotistical bitch

Dr. Ruth came on television the other day.  I was doing dishes and Matt was half watching television while lounging in the family room.  I turned seven shades of red and almost passed out from embarrassment before I realized that Matt could not possibly have any idea that he was watching the one person who taught me 99% of everything I knew about sex while I was still in high school.  My kids will never know the experience of listening and learning about sex from an old lady on the radio.  Shame.

Having three kids home makes my life so much more intense.  I didn't realize what a slacker I had become tending to only two kids.  Having that extra (opinion) mouth to feed every night is a real drag.  The take out establishments around here are very happy that Matt is home.  If I could go back and whisper into my own ear I would tell young me not to let my children think they ever have a choice in what are going to eat.  I'm not kidding.

My desk top computer might be petering out.  I'm bringing it to a friend Sunday to get looked at.  I'm also buying another hard drive for it.  I hope it doesn't die on me.  I feel like me and my ancient (for a digital) camera and crumudgeon of a desk top are one.  My friend is pretty sure he can shore up my computer so I can get another year out of it.  "A Year!"  I said.  I hope she's not terminal.  Yeesh.

The good thing about needing some digital storage storage space is now I have to go to the world's biggest (if you are a photographer) toy store!  B&H- here I come!  (There just might be a flash diffuser and a lens hood in this for me too!) 

I went to the art show that I submitted some photos for.  They didn't accept me.   They did accept a lady who breaks ceramics and glues them back together though.  Also, they accepted another photographer.  I didn't really get his work.  I didn't really get most of the work in the show, which makes me glad that my stuff wasn't hanging along side of the work I didn't understand, but also made me wonder.  I didn't say anything out loud because you can't really say that kind of thing out  loud without sounding like a pretentious egotistical bitch, but then Matt said it for me, so I felt all kinds of validated.

Someone said bad things about Y@le to me today.  It made me start thinking.  In my dreams the best case scenario for me would be  to meet a representative who would decide to whore my stuff out and all I'd have to do would be to keep making new work and go to my own openings and smile and drink white wine.  The worst case scenario would be for me to have to be my own salesperson because I totally completely suck at sales.  If I had to sell things for a living I'd be huddling under a bridge, mumbling to myself and trying to keep my shopping cart from rolling away.