clickmom

nothing endangered

I spotted a squirrel this morning when I was walking bear bait.  I went back for her this evening when the light was right and it turns out that the squirrel was obviously pregnant.  It spoiled the moment for me (along with about 144 flies that had found her during the day) and I ended up not really wanting to connect with her enough to find the photos in her.  It was just too sad.  I kept thinking about how many babies might be inside of her.

A Carolina Wren built a nest outside my kitchen door, and I have been spying on her through the kitchen window.  I knew there were three eggs in the nest.  Today when I took a little peek I saw that one egg was out of the nest.  I wondered what to do.  Was the egg out of the nest because it is not viable?  Was some egg thieving critter disrupted in the act of stealing the egg?  Should I put it back in the nest?  Should I discard it?  Anyone know anything about this?

Also, does anyone know a way to get the bad smell out of your nose in the case of not fresh road kill?  The only thing I know worked for sure was the sauna, but with Josh out of school I am going through sauna withdrawal and have no sauna reuniting plans until I find a new posh club in new town next fall.  (Oh yes, sauna is on the not negotiable list when choosing a new posh club)  I was thinking those little paper masks  (like the chinese wore when bird flu was all the rage) might help int he prevention of odor in the nose lingering syndrome.  Anyone?

I'm planning my next print.  I am trying to decide between a chipmunk and another bird.  I'm leaning towards the chipmunk.  

I forgot to tell you guys that I met someone who has inside info on road kill in a town way way down the road from utopia.  She said she would hook me up next summer and call me when something good comes in.  Road trip!  I love it.  I'm so freaking excited.  I have a wish list.  But I'm keeping it to myself.  Nothing endangered on there.  Promise!  

telling myself to tell myself

I am in a bad place when it comes to figuring out how to get my own needs met.  I need to do my art.  I need to be able to commit the time to do it and be guilt free about it.  For so long now (my entire lifetime=forever) I've been bottom man on my own totem pole and I am not satisfied with that position anymore.  Except I don't know how to change that and be true to everything I think is important.  I think it's important to be a hands on mother.  This is probably the biggest obstacle.  Mostly lately I just want to be alone.  I also think it's important to give my kids fresh wholesome nutritious food.  And yet I feel like I could never cook again and still be so cooked out that I would never in my expected lifetime feel the desire to prepare anything that goes beyond steamed.  And still unwashed, uncut, raw feels incredibly appealing.  I just want large blocks of time that I can spend searching for and making art.

I was driving along up near utopia this weekend  (since my actual utopian spot is far away from 21st century civilization, we actually about 30 minutes from our house)  when I spotted a very appealing subject on the side of the road.  I pointed it out and I wanted to stop SO BADLY.  But the whole family was in the car so I hesitated.  I knew I had a contractor bag in the back and would have scooped up the subject and happily taken it back to the house for it's photo sitting.  In an instant I shot the husband a pleading look, and he shot me back a "not when I'm around look" and I kept on driving.  But it ate away at me.  I really really wanted that thing on the side of the road.  And I was mentally kicking myself.  Why didn't I stop?  Probably because this was something that was for me and me only.  If one of my kids had asked me to stop for anything at all I would have pulled right over.  Ditto if the husband had voiced a desire.  But I didn't stop for myself.

They've all been making fun of me, teasing me, about my project, and I mostly smile and laugh right along but the truth is that I live in a word where I know that the only people who make it are the people who believe in themselves and their talent beyond any shadow of a doubt and I have been trained to fade away into the background.  I am fighting every instinct in me not to disappear and I am trying to muster the courage to be recognized and perhaps even celebrated for my skills or my eye or my message or vision and what I need more than anything are cheerleaders or well meaning people with guns to my head who force me out of my comfort zone into a place where I make time to create because it is what I need and then I get out there and sell myself until I find the avenue that appreciates what I have done.

Pal recently got together with some of our old college friends that neither one of us have seen since 1987.  He called me the next day to fill me in and told me that when he filled the old friends in on my life he may have embellished the glamorousness some of my photo exhibits.  The old friends said that they had no doubts that I'd be a successful photographer.  They said they knew I had the goods back in college.  I wish someone had told me.

 

I have weapons

My stepford house alarm went off twice when we were in the Bahamas not enjoying (or vicariously not enjoying)  shark bites and foot/toe/general health deterioration last month.  This was especially weird to me because my house alarm never goes off unless one of the kids does something.  The alarm went off again today and when I came home a patio door was open!  And the police had been here!  And they had noticed the open patio door and then left the patio door open!!  I think the house is being stalked and there was an attempted entry.  For real.  Not kidding.  We are battened down and armed tonight!  ALL OF US ARE GOING TO BED WITH WEAPONS.  Also, what kind of idiot tried to break into a house that is for sale?  Why wouldn't they realize that all the valuables have been locked in the safe or cleverly hidden?  Is there a moron thief out there that thinks I'd leave money and jewels out to entice a house buyer? WTF??  Next stop for me just might be a video surveillance system.  If someone is poking around here I want their picture for the evening news.

Coincidentally, the utopian house alarm has been going off like crazy too.  Hello?  Reality? Where are you?  Could it be possible that both of my houses are under siege at the same time?  Even I can't let my thoughts go down that road. 

OMG! I have nowhere to hide!!

Other than a creepy feeling that we are being watched (shades down!) (windows locked) today was a rather nice day.  I found a dead blue jay.  It was just exquisite.  I love the results from that shoot.  I haven't finished editing them yet.  I drove past the dead blue jay, which was lying near a triangle at a busy intersection, and declared "I'm going back for that one!", which I did, only I did it with a plastic bag around my hand, grabbed the blue jay and took it home to my nice safe backyard where I photographed it out of harm's way.

Speaking of out of harm's way, I am currently thinking up all kinds of ideas on removing my photo subjects from their heavy traffic locations and finding safer places to shoot.  Obviously I can't do that with not fresh subjects or a deer or even a raccoon cause it's not like I have a hazmat suit to carry it with, but I was wondering where the road crews take the bodies and seeing if there is someway I can be waiting with some kind of shooting table.  Can you imagine what the road crew would think of me?  O-M-G !!!

I'm laughing just thinking about it.

For some strange reason I am re-inundated with my native New Yorker desire to dress all in black.  The husband always just looooved to bust my chops and call me Wayne Newton when I do (or did), and slowly the past few years I have been lightening up my wardrobe but right now, this month, currently, I want to cloak myself in the blackest of blacks from head to toe and go into hide mode.  I want to look like a ninja.  I really do.  I thought I was so over my favorite all time invisibility color that last summer I decided to toss any slightly spotted garment I own in to the charity bag.  My current summer wardrobe is bright and sunny.   It hurts.  So I cruised into Marshalls today and was very excited to see a couple of my favorite designer's tops there.  I fell for them, but they aren't black.  Now I have new not black clothes.  I'm too tired to think clearly.

I'm just going to snuggle up to my weapon and catch a few ZZZZs.

First in a series

This is the bird I found on my walk just when I was thinking how much I wish I knew if pursuing the dead animal road kill series was the path I should take. I make a plate of it and pulled 6 good prints last night. I love it so much that I actually cleaned the plate so I could pull more prints another day. The official term for this process would be intaglio photogravure.

towel face

So far I have encountered exactly two (and they are polar opposite) responses to me pulling Josh out of school.  The most common response is utter shock and disbelief, complete with hanging open mouth and sputtering.  They always say I can't do it, I have to make Josh work it out, you can't quit school.  The other response is a more solemn "You did the right thing" along with nodding in sympathy and eyes welling with tears.  The people who agree with my decision?  Those are the people who were either bullied themselves or parents of bullies.  I  have yet to meet anyone with personal bullying experience who thinks I should have left Josh in the ring with the bully.  That helps.

I was sharing the ordeal with a mom friend in the locker room at the posh club today.  When I slipped into the sauna there was a stranger lady lying in my spot. With a towel over her face.  So I sat down in not my spot and the towel headed torso said through her towel that she had heard me mention something about taking a bat to someone's head.  So I told the towel headed torso all about it.  She had gorgeous boobs and creamy white skin.  I thought the torso must be in her mid 30's.  The little voice in my head kept suggesting I give a pared down version of the story.  I can never seem to do that. In the end the towel faced lady, who had a very youthful torso, told me her youngest child was 21 years old and that she still feels physically ill when she thinks about the bullying he endured in middle school.  Then she sat up, smiled her way wiser than mid 30's face at me, wished me well, and exited the sauna.

Need to see

We have been inundated with catalogs lately. I feel the need to browse through every single one before I toss it into the trash. I can't tell you how badly I want to see the actual in the flesh boobs the fit into an N cup bra. In the most heterosexual way possible.

 

In other news, I finally discovered that there is something I am not entirely uncomfortable with while doing my road/cat kill  photo series.  One of my photo mates admitted to me that she has a chipmunk electrocuting device in her front yard.  She claims they are digging holes all over her foundation or something.   I don't quite get her distress.  We all have chippies.  We all have chippy holes.  I think they are cute.  Today she offered up a dead by electrocution chippy.  I took it, but I haven't photographed it yet because the manner in which it died is not sitting well with me.  As often as I call out or type "Swerve for the cause!"  I totally don't mean it, which I proved the other day when I screamed like a little girl and almost swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a bunny.  

On the other hand, my other photo mate called to tell me about some very fresh road kill deer she spotted that was 20 minutes away from my house.  I grabbed the chance, hopped into sylvia and headed out.  And it was awesome. The poor freshly killed bambi even had a pool of blood which had poured out of his nose, which made me sad because I imagined that bambi suffered and didn't die instantly.  Don't you stop bleeding as soon as you're dead?  It didn't stop me from photographing him, and the blood didn't stop two neighbors from trying to shoot disapproving looks at me from down the block.  But the mood lightened when one woman stopped her passing vehicle and asked if I was okay.  I told her I didn't hit bambi, only came across him already dead and was taking pictures, and she said she just wanted to make sure I was okay.  I'm going to chalk it up to her being super nice and a friend to all living creatures and not as I am finally (duh!) realizing now, going to wonder if by "okay" she meant SANE and NOT A CRAZY PERSON IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD since I was hovering over a young buck in a pool of nose blood taking photos.  

Tomorrow Josh, who officially no longer attends school (where bullies roam free) but is able to participate as a narrator in the play he so very badly ever since he was a wee little boy wanted to narrate for has a rehearsal in the morning.  My plan is to go to the posh club while he is rehearsal,  and leave time for a beloved sauna too.  WIth Josh out of school those extended workout/sauna/shower/dress posh clubs outings are not going to happen.  Which bums me out a bit because I am sad about leaving the posh club and I had intended on living there for the next month to get my fill before I have to bail for the summer and try to replace it with something as good (could there even be a better?) in new town.  

It's raining cats and dogs outside and it just occurred to me that I drove around my sun roof open all day today.  Gulp.

 

break it down

It was the last day of religious school for the year.  Thank goodness.  Not a minute too soon.  Josh was not happy about going the last two years, ever since I wasn't his 2nd grade religious school teacher anymore he hasn't wanted to go. 

The religious school kids put on a talent show before services and Josh recited Hamlet's To Be or Not To Be soliloquy.  He was pretty freaking good, especially for a 10 year old.  (parental objectivity=zero)  I was beaming with pride afterwards when the teacher gently asked him if he knew what he was saying and Josh diplomatically talked her through it.  Go Josh!  Josh's love interest gargled her way through one of the Friday evening prayers.  The two of them make a perfect couple.

More impressive than gargling her way through services, was Josh's love interest's question to the teacher at the beginning of services.  You see, in the philosophical segment of religious school they've been doing an awful lot of very philosophical discussion.  I actually adore that teacher.  He's amazing with the kids.  So to start off the teacher asks the kids if they have any questions and Josh's love interest's hand shoots right up and she says "I was just wondering what exactly is the meaning of life.  I'd like to know before ....."  and then she got embarrassed and clammed up because all of the parent's in the audience were making little adoring sounds.  I love that kid.  The teacher went around the room and asked all of the parent's to say a thing or two but we just confused the kid even more.   I tried to get out of her what she was going to finish that thought with but she was still embarrassed 7 hours later when she and her sister had dinner with us and she gracefully changed the subject 8 times until I gave up and left her alone.

Some house hunting family (with a daughter!)  came for a second visit to see our stepford house today.  Cross your fingers that they like it enough to pay us for it.  They were supposed to come tomorrow but asked this morning if they could come today.  I said YES so that tomorrow I could have an open and free day.  I had a few hours of hysterical cleaning this morning.  Which was not welcome in my already stress filled existence.

Now I'm hoping to print some photos and make a plate of another one tomorrow.  I'm hoping to pull about 10 prints off of the plate.  I have a good feeling about this one image.  It's a bird's wing.  Very beautiful.

Two people told me about road kill that I would have loved to photograph today if it hadn't been either 120 miles away or on a major highway.  One missed opportunity was an opossum (double dang!!) and the other a large bird (triple dang!!).  If things ever settle down here, I am going to pay a visit to the place where they rehab birds and see if perhaps there is something there for me.  Also, right before my life got turned crazy, I had tried to get in touch with the dude who picks up the road kill around here, and I am definitely going to pursue that.  I'm also considering going to the dog rescuers, but am not sure I want to see puppy road kill.  That might be tough to handle.

Wildmom tried to cheer me up by showing up on my doorstep with a beheaded chipmunk kitty gift, but I didn't have the time, energy or focus to shoot today and I didn't want to stash it in the fridge when house hunters were on their way over (can you imagine?? hilarious!) so I turned her away.  I was having a bad moment.  

In the end my family dinner reminded me what it is all about and how truly lucky I have been and am, so I'm in a better place right now.  I sat there at the table watching my kids and Josh's love interest and sister having passionate discussion and trying to out funny each other and there wasn't a place I'd rather be.  

Which is pretty good since I bailed on a babes evening that I was pretty disappointed about missing.  This whole weekend was supposed to be a babes weekend and that got cancelled when mr. missing foot bones ended up in the hospital for another round of IV antibiotics and surgery.  The babes and I were going to do an evening instead, we had planned on dropping by the editor's group show opening , a nice dinner ,and then a chick flick, but I was wary about leaving mr. missing foot bones anyway, and then with all the cleaning, and the company.  Whatever.

So, if you are tempted to leave a comment, I'd like to know what you would tell a 10 year old is the meaning of life.  Seriously.  Break it down.

 

 

rays of hope

I developed this new zinging pain down the front of my leg yesterday.  It had the feel of sciatica except in the front, so I figured maybe something was pinched.  I hobbled (not really, but I am in the mood for exaggeration) into the chiro's office demanding to be repaired and he said my hip was off.  That is not my typical.  Then he kept touching all of these incredibly painful spots along my leg and told me that I was experiencing pain all along a stress meridian or something.  I was like STRESS????  WHAT STRESS?  Herp derp.

NOT FUNNY.

I am languishing in a week of super duper herculean stress and I don't like it one bit.

Except there were rays of hope all day long yesterday.  So I present to you, dear readers, a reader's digest version (unless you tell me you have all day long in which case I can write all day too) of why I can see the light at the end of this stress tunnel in chronological order.

1. AT 10:03 AM I sent my babes a group email requesting they keep their eyes open for more photographic subject matter. (road kill)  The subject of the email CHEER ME UP.

2. 10:04 -Wildmom immediately responded that her wonder kitties had presented her with a couple of back yards gifts that I was welcome to.  Bonus: They still had heads!

3. 10:06- I was at Wildmom's doorstep accepting box of small dead furry woodland critters.

4. 10:08-Took the critters to my own curb and got completely lost in the process.  Really, time stood still, except over an hour passed somehow.  It was like meditating only better cause now I have some new photos to work with.  Meditating with tangible results you can see on your monitor and print out! 

5. Got news from the pricey educational consultant/bully specialist we have in retainer now that Josh will able to participate in school play AND the school has agreed to put him on home instruction for the remainder of the year and I assume stop sending me emails that suggest I am lying or changing my story about the situation in preparation for the law suit they think I am about to file against them.  Yippee!! 

6. Hilarious new town house current owners, now that their attempt to extort (Evan tells me that extort is not the correct word to use in this situation, but I'm standing by it) more money from us has failed thanks to that pricey new town real estate attorney we have on retainer, had the balls to send email through their realtor asking if we wanted purchase all of their furniture.  Seriously??  Bwah ha ha ha ha.  (momentarily considered buying the pink nightstands for Evan cause we are so funny funny funny)

7. Husband came through surgery to remove the end of his 5th and 4th metatarsal just fine.  Foot doc has declared him healing capable now.  Only disappointment there is that he still has ten toes so I can't call him Nueve yet.  (Why doesn't my spell check recognize nueve?  This is america dammit! Speak spanish spell check!)     The foot doc did mention another procedure he'd like to do where he would either shorten or flatten two other bothersome curly toes, so I might have to start calling him something shorter or flatter or curly toed while he is still in possession of all of his digits.

Time to start another day.  What could today possibly bring?  Besides rain, I mean ......

 

read it and weep (tears of hilarity)

I laughed so hard it took me 20 minutes to see through the stream of tears and read this.  Now I have to go wash the moisturizer out of my eyes, but not before I share with you dear reader.  THIS is freaking hilarious.

Bwah ha ha

 

Josh and I had a mother son still life painting bonding experience today.  I was way more into it than he was.  I am totally going to frame his when it dries.  

In other news, guess what the topic of tomorrow's PTO meeting at Josh's school is!  I just got an email encouraging parents to atttend.  It says  "Our guest speaker will be Dr. XXXX, Assistant Superintendent. He will be discussing the new Anti-Bullying Legislation."

Talk about timing!

In related news, I faxed a whole bunch of crap over to the educational consultant / bullying expert this morning.  His gal friday tells me the whole ordeal was fairly typical as far as people willing to fork over loads of cash to pay a consultant to kick some butt at the school where their kid has been bullied.  My latest fantasies involve a baseball bat and the head of select staff members.  I gotta ditch the anger.  

There is controversy at the hospital as the foot doc does not necessarily agree with the diagnosis of infectious disease specialist.   Lord help them, for I am not in the mood for uncertainty right now.  You have no idea how hard it is for me to remain diplomatic.