how to panic your MRI technician

I'm lying in the MRI tunnel and all I want to do is reach up and finger measure the distance from my tiny little nose to the roof of the tunnel. What ever the distance was it was close. All the while the technician was giving me commands to breathe in, breathe out and hold my breath. He'd ask how I was doing and I'd mumble something positive instead of "Hurry the hell up!" like I wanted to.

Then I felt the urge to sneeze.

Because the arm that was hooked up to the contrast IV was pinned down to my side in the inner tunnel tube tray I couldn't move it, and because the other arm had gone numb sticking up over my head as if I had a permanent question to ask an invisible teacher, I couldn't move it either so I had to sneeze freely and let my sneeze coat the inside of the MRI tunnel. Then, instantly imagining the sneeze droplets forming roof puddles and falling back onto my face, I got the giggles.

That MRI technician burst into the room as fast as can be. I think he thought I was having a seizure.

Which I could have talked myself into having because during one the times when the mic was open before the technician asked me how I was doing I could have sworn I heard a lady voice say something about "a few spots", which is not what I wanted anyone to see on my abdominal MRI, especially since I walked into the place wondering just how long ago it was the mom had her exposure to asbestos that caused her abdominal (peritoneal mesothelioma) cancer.

So I questioned the technician as he slid me out of the tube. I asked if he saw anything suspicious and he said "I just take the pictures, the doctor evaluates them" and I said, "Yeah but you know when something fishy shows up" , and he repeated himself, all while unable to keep eye contact with me, and then after I got dressed again I thought he might have been just a tad bit friendlier than he was before the MRI and now I will wait the 24 hours until the good doc gets the report and I will try not to get all upset or eat enough food to put me into another gall bladder attack.

After the MRI I went to Marshall's to try to get a replacement purse for the purse that got ruined when it got lemon sorbet spilled on it this summer and I bumped into my friend who told me the story of getting a head MRI for a mysterious bump on her forehead and being rushed to a cat scan when the technician told her he saw 3 tumors and it turned out to be a flaw in the MRI machine and she doesn't have brain tumors after all, but she did have one hell of nerve wrecking day. And the bump was a nothing to worry about calcium deposit. We both greed that it's tempting to temp fate and never get any tests and just let nature take it's course. Getting old is so NOT fun!

Just because my day can't be complete without MORE tonight is Evan's Back To School Night, so I get to meet (in person) all of the teachers that he has already made his "I'm a bad ass" impression on. I think I'll get a pin that says "Mother of the first kid suspended in 2010-2011 school year. WOOT! Let's hope I don't have cancer!" It's an ice breaker if nothing else.