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NOW 6/9 buying clothes that fit

I went to a department store for a new bathing suit today.  There was a toddler boy crying out in agonizing frustration.  Because shopping for swim suits isn't fun enough without hearing other people's kid's pain.

But then, because my ears had not been tormented enough, the lady with the two adorable girls in the aisle clogging side by side double stroller got into the dressing room next to mine and the first thing I hear is a sweet little girl voice saying "Mommy? Why did you take off your panties?"  and then, because I had just tolerated a swim suit with someone else's powdery white stick deodorant all over it I could no longer try on bathing suits.  I was nauseated again.

Let's talk about something more fun.  Yesterday I stopped into a store near my new new undead therapist that has awesome 70% off sales all of the time.  I was looking for a size 1x of a certain shirt and they didn't have one.  I tried on an 18 and a 2x.  Guess who now owns 2 NOT "women's" sized shirts!!!!  Good heavens me.  I am so happy.  My fantasy is to not wear women's sizes anymore.  I'm getting closer to a complete NOT women's sized wardrobe. 

Today was another successful no sugar day.  I am shocked at how many times I zero in on something I have vowed not to eat and almost reach out and grab it.  Today I spotted a tic tac box and my arm shot out like it was a winning lottery ticket.  I remembered in time.  I'm tossing the tic tacs into the trash.  I went into a party supply store to get some decorations for Josh's classroom.  My knees were weak surrounded by all that candy.  I looked away.  I bought none of it.  Not even "for the kids"  because we all know how "for the kids" works out around here.  

NOW 6/8 taking care of me

I got a haircut today.  (Please disregard the ten year old Costco men's XXL sweatshirt- it's pajamas!)  In an effort to pay more attention to my own needs I suddenly realized that the reason why every time I brushed out my hair there was a big old rats nest of tangled dread lock hair behind my head is because I think my last haircut was in the fall.  So, I went down to the salon (admit it, you thought I was going to say barber shop!!) and got myself a swingy new cut.  And in a little "I will make myself be heard" victory, I finally admitted to my hairdresser of the last decade that the smell of her mousse makes me so nauseous that I rewash my hair before bed each time so I don't puke.  She had a different one on hand that smelled nice.  I don't use mousse.  I'm a basics kind of girl.  I used to use only shampoo.  Then we moved to the land of rock hard water and I started to use conditioner too.  But Mousse?  You're kidding me!

This is day 2 of no sugar!  I was feeling even less queasy today, so I wanted to eat, and I did, and nothing but was unreasonable other than a hefty portion of home made salad that I threw together for lunch.  But, you know, a girl like me can get herself in trouble with grilled chicken and some fruit, and nuts, and goat cheese (I'm not buying that again!  too tempting)   You get the drift.  You know those salads that end up being 2,000 calories by the end?  Well, maybe it wasn't that bad.  I didn't measure.  I gotta start measuring again.

Yesterday I saw the EMDR therapist and today I saw the new new undead therapist, we talked about mostly the same things,  and I am getting the feeling that he is getting frustrated with me talking in circles.  He gave me a bit of a "shit or get off the pot" speech and then I admitted to something that I never admitted to before because to me it seemed so freaking selfish, and he was thrilled to hear my admission because it meant that I was healthy.  I need to open my eyes over here.  I don't want my kids to think of me as some kind of martyr.  Do I seem martyrish to you?   Don't answer that.  I know I'm being vague.

Next topic:  One day the husband brought ME (aka: the plant killer) an orchid for no reason.  I provided that orchid with my standard issue slow but steady plant death which actually took about a month, that is 3 1/2 weeks longer than how fast I can kill any other kind of plant.  I wasn't really sad to see that orchid go to the great orchid beyond because the pressure of keeping this plant alien that can't cry or ask for water was simply incredible.  Once that poor doomed orchid dropped it's last petal I did a secret celebration dance.  The pressure was off.  Yesterday Kitten showed up at my house with another orchid because she saw the withered orchid next to my sink and wanted to give me a little something with a card thanking me for taking over the party for her.  Wah!

Psyched!  I got new running shoes today!  There was a new running store near my new new undead therapist and they special ordered a pair of anti-pronating ankle saving boats  sneakers for me and when I got on the videotaped treadmill for a run my ankles looked like they could survive a marathon in those new sneaks.  I can't wait to go for a run.  Maybe tomorrow, except the forecast is cool and rainy.  Maybe Thursday!  Also, I got a running belt that holds two oddly shaped water bottles and has a pocket I can put my iphone (must have tunes!) and a poop bag into.  I miss the pocket of my sweatshirts.  I will hold my breath and run in a dorky water/phone/baggie holding belt (around my waist!  accents the jelly rolls!) all in the sake of dammit I am going to run around that whole lake this summer and my ankles/knees/hips better shut up and enjoy it!  

Lilsis says that isn't a good photo of me.  Aaaawww.

NOW 6/7

Today I made the dieter's mistake of letting myself get too hungry.  I almost ran to the gum ball machine in the video store when returning videos.  Then I remembered.  Day 1- sugar free again!  Pass the on the gumball.  Yay for me.  I'm giving myself a big hug right now.  I'm back on track!

Also, it was back to the posh club for me.  I did 20 mins on the stair mill to warm up.  Breathing was an issue.  I think that maybe I haven't been breathing to the fullest extent the past week.  Then I lifted with the stretcher.  I had texted the stretcher and told him I might need a low key workout today.  the first 55 minutes of my workout was pretty standard issue but the last 5 minutes I just bottomed out.  It was abdominal stuff.  My mid section doesn't quite feel like someone attacked my internal organs with a sledge hammer anymore, but they do have the lingering feeling of having been roughly manipulated. Also, I had a few brief waves of nausea today, which is why I took that pass on dinner that almost got me into trouble at the gum ball machine. 

Here is another thing Steve won't understand.  You know how there are a couple of days during PMS when you could lose 4 pounds but still look in the mirror and see Shrek staring back at you?  I'm there.  And I felt like poo poo all day.  Then the stretcher said "You look like you lost some more weight."  I could barely answer him. 

NOW 6/6

NOW I am finally feeling better. I haven't done anything physical for a week!  But as of this afternoon, no more nausea and a marked decrease in pain.  I feel like I'm turning into a slug, but I intend to turn that around tomorrow.  Hello Posh club!  No one better be on my expresso bike, that's all I'm saying! 

I got mail order bathing suits this week and I finally tried them on this morning.  While I wasn't happy with the actual bathing suits, I did finally see the big difference in my shape.  That felt really nice.  I'm going to use that feeling to fuel another weight loss spurt.  I have a question internet.  Are my breasts freakishly high on my chest or do other people have the problem of when they try on bathing suits the body is too short, the boob section lies inches below your breasts and the straps are way too long?  If my boobs only grew out of my upper belly jelly roll those suits would have fit perfectly.  WTF suit makers?  Now I have to drag myself to the store to actually try on suits in a dressing room.  shivers.  I hate shopping.

Moment of the day:  Imagine me in the dining room with Matt, the husband and a college consultant, we are interviewing the consultant and politely discussing Matt's future college plans, all while my super mother hearing registers the sound of Josh's foot steps in the kitchen and the freezer door opening and closing.  I never stop civilly blabbing away.  I am telling the tale of Matt's educational history.  I register the crinkle of an ice pop wrapper.  I continue to chit chat in a most refined manner some more. Then we all hear Josh making incoherent frantic distress sounds like "AHHHH AH AH OH UG UG" and I whisper "I think he's got an ice pop stuck to his tongue." We hear Evan screaming "NO!  DON"T!!  I can help!" I run to the Kitchen Evan continues  "I know what to do, run it under warm water!"  And then Josh cries.  He didn't listen.  He ripped the ice pop off his upper lip.  There was even blood.  It was so hard not to laugh.

I vow that not a single grain of sugar, honey, maple syrup or anything sweet will pass my lips from this very moment.  I need to get this sugar monkey off of my back again.  I am in full throttle sugar binge.  Time to turn that around.  Sugar is the enemy of me.  It prevents me from living my dream.  My dream is being healthy, strong and fit.  Time to get back on track.

New rules for me:  

1. Unsweetened beverages only.

2. No more mindless noshing.  Everything will be predetermined from now on.

3. Kitchen closed after 7:30.  If it doesn't get eaten before 7:30 it doesn't get eaten.

I'm pretty sure I can come up with a few more.  I'll think about it overnight.  

Face The Music Friday 6/4 (late again)

I got so caught up in Glory's party that I forgot to post yesterday.  Ooops.  The party turned out great.  I'll post some pics tomorrow.

It is quite a surprise that I have put 3 pounds on in the last couple of weeks.  The surprise part is that it's only 3 pounds.  I haven't done any exercise since my run last Monday and right now I am in bed trying not to puke again.  In between waves of nausea I have managed to eat a ton of crap.  A TON.  Serious CRAP.  Evan saw me taking a little taste of a spoonful of sugar when I was cooking and he so busted me out loud. I was so ashamed.  I want to set a good example for my kids.  The truth is that I am a sugar addict and that as a kid I used to eat sugar cubes.  I'd surely eat them today too if I had any in the house.  I won't buy sugar cubes.

Thanks to Greta's new contest, I figured out my lean body mass, which is kind of high for my height, but I know I am not a little delicate flower under this excess baggage. As a matter of fact, I suspect I am quite a force to be reckoned with under the excess weight.  I wish I could get a peak of the ultimate me.  It would make going forward so much more exciting.  My lean body mass, as of today, and according to my Omron body fat counting device thingie, is 141 pounds.  So using this chart that I stole off of Wikipedia's entry for Body Fat Percentage 

Description	Women	Men
Essential fat	10-13%	2-5%
Athletes	14–20%	6-13%
Fitness	21–24%	14–17%
Acceptable	25–31%	18–24%
Obese	32%+	25%+

if I want to be considered "normal" or "average" or just not obese anymore, that would mean that I should probably weigh around 200 to weigh in the high end of average.  That sounds kind of fat ( 20ish pounds higher than my pre-pre-prepregnancy weight) to me.  To be in the high end of the fitness range I'd have to weigh around 185.  My pre-pre-prepregnancy weight hovered around 182, and I'm quite sure that was not me being very fit.  I am way stronger and more muscular now, so I think it's a good goal weight for me in the mean time, and just for kicks, the high end of the athletes category would have me weighing 175, just 10 little pounds below the fitness range.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  I always thought that 150 would be a good weight for me, but at 150 lbs, as long as I still have the 141 lbs of lean body mass, that would make my body fat percentage too low, like .65 or so. 

Which is kind of interesting because when I was 14 my mom took me to a "diet doctor" who gave us "vitamin shots" while we fasted on orange and tomato juice until I got down to 144 lbs except I got all faint if I walked fast or up stairs.  Oooops! Then I promptly binged every single pound plus more right back on.   I wish I was my own mother.  I would have been much nicer to me.  

So, my newest goal, is my pre-pre-prepregnancy weight. I think that today, 17 years later, (or 18 if you count the 9 mos. of pregnancy)  I think I will totally rock that weight.  Also, something else I have been thinking about, I will not allow myself to put myself down ever again.  Those days are gone.  From this moment forward, I am my own best friend.

NOW 6/3

NOW I am taking care of everyone but me again.  sigh.  Spent the day preparing for Glory's party tomorrow night.  Shopping and cooking/prepping.  

Still not feeling well, but it isn't sick, it's different.  Chiro thinks it's my liver dumping toxins, which it is free to do nNOW that it isn't trying to process the metals I got rid of in the first round of chelation.  Chiro also thinks I should wait 'til after the summer to begin round 2- since I'll be in utopia away from (his checking account) him.  He asked his patients for testimonials for a web site he is making and I am going to write one that begins "My name is Amy and I am a chiropractic addict.  Sure, I tell myself I can go a few weeks without an adjustment, but I never even make it more than a week.  I can't stay away."

When the husband and I were engaged we went to the department store to register for some wedding gifs.  When my mother saw the reasonableness of the china (that I really loved because it was cuh-razy)  we registered for Mom dragged me back to the store and made me change to another china which was boring, snotty and totally overpriced.  We got 2 place settings.  Both were from my mom's bff.  We returned then and declared that if the day came that we felt fine china was necessary for us we'd go out and buy a whole set.  Guess who doesn't have formal china?  I am so thrilled to death that I don't have formal china.

NOW 6/2

Long time readers know that I struggle to take care of myself in more than one arena.  One thing I often do is ignore signs of illness until I am floored.  That happened today, or more accurately all this weekend.  All weekend my stomach seemed "off" but, I kept telling myself my stomach is always kind of off, which it kind of is,  it was just more off than usual.  I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning only by promising myself I could return to bed as soon as I dropped the kids at school.  (I often bribe a tired myself out of bed with the promise of a nap later in the day but the thing is that I never end up napping.)  Today was different, up a bit earlier than usual to get Evan off on his 2 1/2 day field trip, and unable to focus my eyes or thoughts I was feeling kind of horrible.  I got Evan to school on time, Matt to school and hour later, and Josh an hour after that.  Josh was excited to go to school today, since his school (along with half of the tri state area) had a big trip to the Bronx Zoo planned.  In fact, Josh was so excited about the trip that he practically ran to school while I could barely propel myself forward.  It was like swimming against the rip tide.  I kept watching him get farther and farther ahead of me until we were there and I just called out to him to have a good time and tried not to cry thinking I had to walk all the way back home.  I came home and went straight to bed.  I was asleep in seconds, and vaguely remember tossing and turning a couple of times and wondering why it was so freezing cold in my attic bedroom on such a hot day and didn't really wake up until 11:45.  I texted the stretcher that I wasn't going to make it to the posh club for my planned killer workout.  sigh.  Then I laid there, staring at the ceiling fan, sweating and freezing for a few more hours, getting up only once to feed the devil dog and only because she laid on my floor begging for an hour and a half, I made a call to the mother of Josh's love interest to fetch Josh from school for me and finally I dragged myself out of bed around 5 to shower so I cold pretend I wasn't sick at all because Kitten was going to throw a party for Glory on Friday except Kitten's grandma died, so I said I would do it at my house instead and Kitten was coming over to tell me what she was going to cook and give me instructions so the party would be just the same except at my house and I would get to do all the work.  Which I am happy to do for Kitten.  Kitten is a true friend.  My fever broke around 6:30 and by the time Kitten showed up at 8:30 I looked like a tired version of myself, but not a sick anymore version of myself, and the only problem of this whole day is that I was going to use today to clean up the chaos which is my house, but I guess tomorrow will have to do.  Also, I realize I left my table cloths in utopia, thinking I wasn't ever going to have to use them here in stepford again, so now I need to make a quick trip to the table cloth store.

NOW I am sick

And this is What I gave been staring at for hours.

NOW 6/1

right here and NOW I am going to commit to 

1. Blogging every day for the month of June (Hello, Nablopomo)

2. Cleaning up my diet - big time.  No more excuses.

3. Saying my dumb hang ups out loud to reasonable thinking people.  It'll be like setting them free.

The time to deal with and say goodbye to my baggage is NOW and that is what June is going to be about for me.  Goodbye baggage!  You have dragged me down for too long!  I'm letting go NOW! 

When I was kid I wanted to be Lucille Ball when I grew up.  I thought that being funny was the best.  I probably wouldn't have told anyone my secret, knowing that Lucille Ball was already Lucille Ball and I'd have to find my own identity, but to me she was the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to bring Evan to school tomorrow morning at 6:30 so he can leave for a 2 1/2 day school trip.  So maybe there is one good thing about Middle School.

Then I'll bring Matt to the high school at 7:30 and Josh to his school at 8:30.  By the time I drop Josh of I will have had half a day already.  I just might return home for a nap.

I have a new best friend and it is a shawl shaped heating pad, complete with back of neck collar and a magnet to hold it closed in the front.  The only thing that could make it better would be if it was cordless.

When I told the chiro my neck was sore today and he touched it to see what was up he looked at me like I was an alien.  I wasn't particularly out of alignment, he said but he might have never seen neck muscles so tensed.  I always knew I'd excel at something.

Tomorrow I have spend some serious time at the posh club undoing everything I put into my mouth this weekend.  I'm thinking stair mill followed by expresso bike followed by an hour lifting with the stretcher.  

Marshmallows are a serious binge food for me and I decided that am going to ban them from my house.  Plus anything else I feel the need to ban.  It's going to be all about my needs this summer.  And if I like it enough it is going to stay that way.  

I think the time for me is NOW.