clickmom

Matt got his license.

Still refuse to consider a sleeveless dress.  There will be more shopping tomorrow and then I will resort to insane ordering over the internet followed by insane returning at the actual store by house.  I'm not going to order from any place I have to go the post office to return for.  Except when it comes to shoes, because as sucky as it to shop in the women's department for clothes, it sucks even more to have size 12 fred flintstone feet.  

Had a moment today, that I will spell out tomorrow, about my frantic eating the past couple of weeks.  The next weight loss contest at the posh club starts Monday and not a minute too soon for me.  The only question I am asking myself is if I should try to go for the stretchers team (I'm going to try him out as a trainer when NEWT leaves)  even though it is less convenient or should I go for the better time in my schedule and take my chances on any old trainer.  The truth is that the contest trainer from the last round was pretty much my least favorite trainer in the posh club, and the only one I would totally walk out on left recently for a different kind of job, so I'm not too worried about who I get.  That being said, I am pretty sure I can find out who is training in the time slot that would be more convenient for me.  I gotta call my posh club spy.  Such decisions!

Matt got his driver's license yesterday.  He had to take his road test during what was practically a monsoon.  All around this area there are floods wherever a river is.  It really sucks to have a great river view this winter.  I can see water right up to people's back doors.  I kind of couldn't believe they were giving road tests in that weather, because seriously?  I didn't want him driving in that weather.  This means that my baby is 17 now (hold me, I'm going to faint) and I can't wrap my head around that almost adult age and my offspring right now.  Maybe it's actually not so good to have such awesome children, because I can't believe he is really going to leave the nest.  I don't want him to go, and all he can talk about is college.  Ingrate.  I think I'll go upstairs and remind him that he wouldn't tolerate a stroller for his first year, so I carried him everywhere.  Also, I breast fed for way longer than the national average, I like to remind all the boys about that sometimes too.   I'm taking some credit for Matt's terrific SAT scores.  He got some bonus IQ points from all that liquid gold.    Don't even get me started on potty training. 

Photographic evidence that girls with ginormous boobs shouldn't wear shrugs

I kept imagining what Stacy and Clinton would say. Then I hung my head in shame.

in search of sleeves

New and exciting chelation therapy symptom:  It's a toss up, either I have pink sweat, or the ability to turn soap suds pink or have been hallucinating about pink bubbles on my skin.  Very exciting.  Also, the headache?  Not so sure it's corn related anymore.  Lasting too long.

Today I walked up 222 floors on the stair mill.  It's just not that hard all of a sudden.  I thought that maybe I should go up to a faster level, but when I stopped I realized I was out of breath.  Luckily Tool Academy was on so I was nicely distracted during my stair climbing session.   I thought about doing some kettle bell work afterwards, but when I went to the area where the kettle bells are, there were a couple of skinny chicks doing their own thing and I couldn't bring myself to barge in. Seems ridiculous, it's my gym too, and we all pay the same dues, but I was intimidated by the skinnies.  I'll have to work on that.  I just felt like me and my swinging kettle bells would be too big and too loud, so I slunk away.  Back to the couch.

Eating was good today for the first day in weeks.  Whew.  What a relief to be back where I need to be.  The dumbest thing I realized was that when I was sailing along fine in a reasonable eating world I started my days with an apple and nut butter.  So this morning I started my day with an apple and nut butter.  Was it the food or the routine?  Who cares.  It worked.  

Yesterday, when I was planning on eating vegetarian, we ended up at the jewish deli, so I caved (way too easily) and ordered a plate of pastrami.  It sucked, but I managed to pick away at it anyway. Then today I woke up retaining so much water that my eyes were practically swollen shut.  I can't do salt like I used to.   Today I ate lighter and had fish for dinner but no meat. Tomorrow- no meat or fish.  I'm serious about letting my kidney's off the digestive hook while they cope with all this metal.

I picked up a second suit today.  (one for Friday night one for Saturday morning)  It was a different brand, so I didn't think it was going to be a 16 also.  But it was.  I was so doubting that I tried on the 18 and it was most definitely too big on me.  Unfortunately, the one dress I wanted for the party part of Evan's big day was only on the rack in a 14 which wasn't going to happen. The ancient sales lady told me she could find a 16 at a different store, but I have my doubts. The search for a NOT SLEEVELESS (oh for goodness sakes! No one wants to see my arms!) party dress is still on. Have I mentioned how much I hate shopping lately?

don't wipe the drool off my chin

I neeeeed another contest.  (Hello??  Steve??)  The next weight loss contest at the posh club starts a week from Monday.  I need it to start now!  I never knew I was such a joiner.  

Took the kids to get some clothes for Evan's big day.  I stopped by the woman's department to see if they had anything to offer me and went into the dressing room with a handful of mostly size 20 clothes.  Luckily, I was shopping at Nordstrom's where a sales lady is there to help the hopeless, such as my hopeless self.   I purchased size 16 clothes.  Boo Yah!  

I have no idea what size I am, what I look like.  Really, it is kind of scary.  No idea.  Back to the couch.

My latest chelation related weird symptoms include the interior of my mouth feeling completely different than it usually does.  Can the interior of a person's mouth feel bony?  That bony mouth sensation in addition to yesterday's nasty metallic back of the throat taste inspired the chiro to tell me that some heavy metals are stored in gum tissue.   Not any more? (Let's hope)  My head hurt like a SOB all day today but I can't blame it on the chelation when yesterday I gave in to a corn chip urge when Matt was snacking close by.  Corn is not my friend.

And I'm starting to think that the people who keep telling me that my symptoms are age related and that they feel the same way aren't my friends either.  There is a chance maybe we all have something, the same thing going on, but people don't seem to realize that when I say my thinking is fuzzy, it means I am a virtual slow motion blink away from nodding off at any given moment of the day.   It means there is white noise in my head which drowns out 90% of anything I politely pretend to hear you say.  It means that despite my alert appearance and smiling expression I am totally checked out.  Maybe I should make an attempt to look the part.  What ever.  I'm just frustrated that this taking so long. 

PS:  From the dressing room I sent lil sis a hilarious text photo of me wearing some kind of cuh-razy Stevie Nicks outfit today.  Not 10 seconds later she texted back NO.  I might be (heavy metals or whatever) an intellectual idiot these days, but my sense of humor is intact.

faux stoned

In honor of my current state of chelating mind, which bears a striking resemblance to my mind during weekends in college, and also because yesterday I threw some really nasty exercise clothes into the wash, I thought I'd share a college story with you.

At college, some chick that grew up with pal convinced us both to join the crew team.  After spring break when we got back to the frozen tundra of upstate NY our novice crew coach went out in a motorized row boat and chopped up the biggest ice flows which blocked our path from the inlet where the boat house was to the lake so that us girls could hop into the shell and row our way out into the almost clear of melting ice lake.  There were 25 girls on novice crew, and since most days someone stayed home to nurse a hang over didn't show up for one reason or another it worked out perfectly because there are 8 rowers in a boat, and 3 boats would go out and practice. However, this one day right after spring break there had been no good partied the night before all 25 girls showed up to row.  The coach told one girl to sit in his motorized row boat, and the rest of us took our seats.  Since the way we girls got to boat house was running, and since we were about to have a vigorous workout in the boat, we left some of our warmer layers of upstate NY winter exercise clothing in the boat house.  I was fine, nice and warm,  rowing away for about half an hour and then the coach (who I happened to kind of hate, which was mutual, I am sure) made me switch with the girl in the row boat in the middle of the lake.  Fine.  I did it, she rowed away and I sat in the row boat for half of an hour with hardly any clothes on as my sweat froze dried to my skin.  By the time we got back to the ice flow covered inlet at the end of practice, I was frozen stiff, literally.  So when I stood to get out of the row boat and onto the dock, I found myself caught with one foot on the dock and one foot in the row boat, numb and unable to move as I unintentionally pushed the row boat away from the dock.  Naturally, I ended up falling into the lake between the ice bergs.  Did you know that if you fall into a frozen lake it feels like you have been burned?  Well, I got out of the water, run/stumbling (screaming in pain) and stripping my way to the boat house, where the men's coach happened to be fixing some equipment.  He escorted a down to my bra and undies me to the bathroom where he attempted to warm me with warm water soaked discarded boys crew team clothes.  Then he found some dry discarded boys (because girls don't leave clothes in the boat house) clothes, I put them on and got into the van to go home, where I spent about 45 minutes in the shower doing two things.  First I had to not pass out because of the burning frozen skin pain.  Then once I had crossed the "will stay conscious despite the pain" line, I had to scrub off the stench of the boys clothes.  Gag.  Anyway, I thought about those stinky college boy clothes when I picked up my own pile of somewhat ripe gym clothes.

Wow, long story, no point.

Anyway, I'm going through some kind of freakish odyssey here with the whole heavy metal detox.  Sometimes I feel totally stoned.  I'm not complaining, as long as I can make Matt do the driving.  It's actually safer that way.  Tomorrow I am going to shop for bar mitzvah clothes.  That should be a fun thing to do wasted.  The last time I shopped wasted I'm sure that pal came home from Woolworth's with a choo choo train comforter that he used right up until we graduated college.  Good times. Yeah, those were the days. 

My new symptom of the day is a metallic taste coming from the back of my throat.  Not yummy.  Kind of nasty.  

I'm going vegetarian to give my kidneys a break.  I've been having referred kidney pain in my back, that both the cranial sacral therapist keeps trying to help me over and the chiro assures me means my kidney's are merely working overtime and not that they are failing, (low dose chelation!!) but still I feel like I should do whatever I can to lighten the load while my poor little kidneys are filtering out 45 years of heavy metal exposure. I wonder if growing up 2 blocks from a con edison plant has anything to do with this.  Chiro says I might never know where my exposure came from.  I don't like not knowing. 

I'm thinking that being faux stoned or in a fog for Evan's big day might be a bad idea, so if this is still not resolved by then I am going to take some time off that weekend and be clear headed, if that is even still possible.  It's been so long.  Not even sure I can feel sharp. 

knock knock -------------------

This place where my head is would be such a nice place to be if only I had nothing to do or anyone to take care of.  

 

It's funny because I can conquer at the posh club, it takes no brain power at all to climb stairs (or ride the beloved expresso bike (once I remember to wear my bike shorts) or lift what NEWT hands me to lift, but after the gym, if only I could just sit on a nice sunny park bench and toss crumbs to the pigeons I'd be completely satisfied.

So, there is bad news from the posh club.  NEWT is leaving me.  He's leaving period.  He is going back to school to get a PhD in Physical Therapy (I think- definitely a PhD- just not sure what in- something exercise-ish. See photo above for explanation of empty headedness)  NEWT thinks that the stretcher would be a good choice for me for my next trainer, but the stretcher told me today that NEWT is sending all of his clients to him, so I just think that NEWT likes the ways of the stretcher.  Deep sigh of "shit not again!"   I still have NEWT until May, so I'm not going to freak out.  The next weight loss contest starts up on 4/5 and I'll have two trainer sessions a week until the end of May through the contest.  By the time June rolls around and all I can think about is getting to utopia for the summer I'll still be in good shape.  I can figure it out next fall.  In the mean time, I might just study up the archives of Greta. She's done it all (diet and exercise)  with tons of research, which she shares (with links!), and no trainer.  What a woman! 

Every week when I see NEWT he asks me some questions. One question is always "How was your food for the week?"  And all along I've said it was pretty good, but I have fallen off the wagon lately, and last week NEWT said in a real casual way that since I am working so hard int he gym it would be a shame to overeat and undo the hard work.  Yeah, I know.  Kind of a DUH, you know?  When I am behaving myself with food it seems to glaringly obvious.  When I am not behaving it seems like a dream.   So today?  Back on the wagon.  No more ice pops, no more sugary fake gluten free crap, no more anything that isn't totally healthy.  I'm good so far.  

I'm going to have to find a way to get it mentally together tomorrow.  As soon as I post here, I am going to start making a list of all the little things I haven't been able to do when I was doing what ever it was that I was doing when I wasn't sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons (but totally could have been.)  

And finally, if you live in the (best)  tri-state area, did you happen to notice that during the Biggest Loser on tv last night on TV all the promos for the 11 o'clock news said some kind of crap about exercise being useless for weight loss?  WTH NBC?  Let me live the dream!  STFU!  

Wooo.  Guess that got under my skin.

No, really ....

When I tell people that while I might look alert and intelligent and like I am capable of retaining a thought, I'm not,  and the people shouldn't feel bad or guilty if they need to remind me of things or pester me to remember something.  The people look at me with a puzzled half smile on their faces.  I'm thinking wearing a stickie from now on.

 

Also, I wanted to post a photo of me in which I wasn't hiding behind my hair.  I'm a big hider.  I hide behind my long in my face hair.  I hide behind my oversized clothes.  In photos I'm pretty good at hiding behind my kids.  Today I realized that some of my previously nicely loose work out t-shirts are actually swimming on me.  I intend on packing the biggest ones up into the charity bag (after I wash them, of course).

I attended a wake today.  Peanut called me to tell me how the mother of the woman who originally (5 years ago!) inspired my group of babes to do that first triathlon had died suddenly.  I knew, being in the dead mother club myself, that I had to go and give this lady a hug and my sympathy.  On my way to the wake, I tried to figure out exactly how long I had known this woman for.  I remembered that her son was in Evan's kindergarten class, so I counted 7 1/2 years of background with this lady.  And then I got to thinking that despite the fact that I don't feel particularly connected to this neighborhood, I have put down roots and built my own little network of other outsider types. 

veiled consciousness

 I was blanketed in a total brain fog today.  I felt like total crap but I started back up with the DMSA anyway.  Chiro tells me that because I am having a multi sourced metal toxicity that the DMSA may take even longer to work and that the DMSA I take today could take weeks to pull some of the metal out of me.  Anyone else bored of this journey through the heavy metal already?  I mean, seriously?  I asked chiro what happens if the summer arrives and I'm still all magnetic and he said he would help me find someone up in utopia to work with.  Bite me, heavy metals.

Speaking of "Bite me!", that would be an inappropriate response to my soon to be 13 year year old calling me by first name, wouldn't it?   I'm really not the kind of mom a kid should be born to if he is a kid who likes to push buttons.  I'm getting close to snapping over here.

Instead of snapping I suppressed all that compulsion to cause bodily harm to my 2nd born and I pretty much cried all morning (day) instead.  I cried when I finally dropped Evan off at the middle school.  (I knew they'd refuse to let him sleep there the rest of the week.)  I cried when I told the husband it was his fault that Evan is rude and disrespectful to me.   I cried when I pulled up to the post office at 9 and found out they didn't open until 10.  I cried when I got to the art center and was not able to focus my eyes.  (I'm hoping this vision thing is heavy metal related.)  I cried when wildmom (In case I needed some hand holding)  took me to the dermatologist and the dermatologist said that his time around she didn't have to do the old slice and dice to the new found spots on my privates. She just said I was a spotty type and the spots were probably not the C word and also small enough to watch for a while.  

(I did manage a laugh when I decided that Leopard could be my code name if I ever decide to be a phone sex operator, though.  After all I am a glass half full kind of gal deep down inside.)

A floor shaking thunder storm rolled through here tonight.  Storm Party!  I half heartedly called out, but not one of the kids even glanced away from their respective screens.  I asked if anyone wanted to dance, but all I got for my offer were a couple of grunts in the negative.  Next time I'm going to make the kids dance with me.  Or at least the two that still call me by my preferred moniker (Mom).  The other child can ....  grrr ... can't put it in writing.  You never know when the authorities are reading. 

So, tonight it's back on the (low dose) DMSA, tomorrow it's back to the posh club.  I think I hear the stair mill calling me.  And the sauna.  It's good for detoxing! 

opening success

My opening went really well today.  I am pleased. (but tired, as usual)

I started my day with a 45 minute run.  I have been using the c25k app to time my runs, and usually do a 30 minute run and run through the 5 minute cool down.  Today I decided time to step up to the 45 minute run.  It was loooong.  But I did it.  I think it may have felt longer since I am just recovered from the DMSA debacle, or maybe just because it is 150% longer than the run I am used to- or maybe even because I am feeling so core strong lately (thank you NEWT!) that I noticed I have much better posture throughout (okay, up until about minute 41) the run and I can give it more of an effort than when I was merely falling forward the whole time.  Whatever it is, it was a very noticeably longer run, but I felt stronger and more athletic and it was just plain old good.  Because I did it.  And I never ever regret getting off my ass and doing something, which is what I have to sometimes make my mantra in order to remember to get off my ass and do something.

I got to my opening a little early to set up and Pal and his boyfriend pulled into the parking lot right next to me.  I ran over to the side of their car to greet Pal and he got out of his car with his mouth hanging open and pointing to my belly.  I said "I told you I've been putting my time in at the gym." and he said I should keep on doing the stair mill.  It was a great response.  I'm going to go to bed, close my eyes and replay it for myself a few times.

I sold two more photos, one to a friend who reluctantly and with much embarrassment told me she was going to put it in her guest powder room.  I was fine with that.  In my opinion she could use it as a door mat as long as she paid for it.  I'm hoping my friend's friends get inspired while on the potty and buy up the rest of my photos.  Pal bought one too.  He admitted he chose the one he chose because it went with his wallpaper. I asked what the papers in the other rooms look liked.  (Are you getting my theme here?  All I want is for people to buy my photos so I can go and make more!)  I already sold three from this show (5 from the last)  to my new new undead therapist, and I think I might have to lead him to a 12 step meeting if he keeps this up.  At least I can say I have a collector.  I happen to think his office and waiting room are very nicely decorated BTW.

too much DMSA

DMSA is the chelating agent I have been taking.  I decided to do the good doc's heavy dosing route because the chiro admitted it would work faster.  I had to take 4 doses for three days in a row.  I started yesterday.  The plan was to take one pill with breakfast and lunch and two with dinner.  By the time dinner rolled around I felt flushed, my face was red and I could feel the heat coming out of my head.  I took the third (and fourth) dose anyway.  By the time I went to bed at 10 I was hotter than hell and I felt like I was breathing after staying in the sauna too long.  I tried to sleep but I was haunted by bizarre dreams in which either I was seeing other people's sick colored aura's (which were quite evil and upsetting) or I was looking at my own photos and colored atmosphere starts emanating out of them, and sometimes they match my take on the photo but sometimes what is coming off of them is disturbing and I don't understand how my photos can be interpreted like that- either way I toss and turn all night long, can't shake this horrible feeling of either dream, and at some point end up with a headache, sore neck, and covered in sweat.  I wake up sometime in the 5's and realize that I still can't breathe easily, my forehead is pounding, my back hurts and both of my cheeks feel as if I've been to the dentist and the novacaine is just starting to wear off.  I lied in bed wondering if there is any chance I could have toxic shock syndrome instead of what it obviously was.  

Change of plans.  

I'm going with the chiro's slow but steady heavy metal detox now.  It took me to this evening to feel fine.  I wasn't about to go anywhere near the DMSA today.  I had had enough.  I'd like to stay in this dizzy free place right now.  If I thought I could stop the world and go to bed for 3 or 4 days every two weeks to do the good doc's method I might consider it.  That is not going to happen.  I am going to hop into a steaming hot mineral salt bath and try to gently soak some of those heavy metals out through my pores now.  

I have a feeling this is going to take way longer than I realized.

I can do it.  right?  Slow and steady wins the race.  Right?