clickmom

just want to feel normal

I keep forgetting to tell you (Molly) that the way I prepared the kale the other night was to put some olive oil and sea salt on it and bake it in a 450 degree oven on parchment until it was crispy.  This method was recommended to me by the nutritionist who gives you a lot of "kid friendly" type tips.  She called it "kale chips."   I didn't even approach it with my kids, I just gobbled it all up myself. (Yum, salt) 

So, I did stand up straight all day today!  And honestly, it's better than yesterday, which gives me hope, but still not too good which has me really really down.   I tried to convince myself the whole back episode was over, since I stood like a fully evolved human and everything, but I was kidding myself, and I had to crawl return to my bed by 3 o'clock and sleep away the discomfort.   I can't believe how much I've been sleeping the past 4 days.  This pain has just sucked the life force out of me.  Half the time I am plastering on a fake old smile trying to be my usual cheerful self for the kids, the other half of the time I could just crawl into a cave and let the saber tooth tigers have at me.  

I need to say this, I don't expect you to follow:  I did make one plate today (immediately following my nap, during the rested back phase of the day)  and I think that the way I had to compensate for the plate's increased contrast with my transparencies no longer applies, and I can't tell if it is because I am using a thinner plate or because I am using a different kind of light source, or a different sort of photo or what.  I could only stand up for one plate today, and I am going to reprint the transparency darker and with more detail tomorrow to make a new plate from and see if I don't get a more satisfactory plate out of it.  Also, the dude from the exposure unit company told me to use the same amount of exposure for my aqua tint screen as for my transparency and I'm not sure that's right.  I wish I had someone to talk about this with.  It's gonna take me weeks to figure this out, I just know it. 

I find it incredibly curious that I still have no appetite.  Nothing usually manages to kill my appetite.  I'm thankful for that, especially since right now getting out of bed to eat hurts, and I can not do the exercise required to burn off what I eat, and I can't stand up long enough to prepare food, I'm going to cry.  All I want to do is go to the gym.  I would settle for a walk, except I'd feel guilty and have to take the devil and I am afraid she would pull on the leash and hurt me.  

Hoping that tomorrow I wake up and feel normal.  

fear of the sneeze

If its true that 1 in 4 women can misread a traditional pregnancy test then I need to move.  Seriously?  Females old enough to get pregnant can't tell the difference between a line and a blank???   Also, L'oreal invented a teeny tiny paint roller for applying foundation.  ????  I don't know about you but my face is not a little wall.  I just can't see how that wee little paint roller works.  Anyone out there have a flat as a wall face?   I can't take all this television.

Pretty much for the past three days I have gotten out of bed to drive the kids places or pick them up again (or go to the chiro, who I suspect I have spent more time with than my own offspring the past three days) and then grabbed an ice pack and returned to my bed.  

In the car I think things like wether or not it is really possible to get to my destination by making only right turns because left turns bring tears to my eyes.  It's only one side of my back that is in muscular lock down and it doesn't agree with left turns.  Or short stops.

Yesterday I was wearing a loose sweater and as I breezed past the mirror on my way back to bed and out of the bathroom I thought a couple of times that the sweater made me look like I have hips, (which is weird cause I am totally hipless) but then when I took a closer look it was only a right hip that I thought I saw beneath the sweater and I realized that my back was so crooked that my right hip was jutting out to the side.

I can tell which one of jacket my pockets has more loose change rolling around on the bottom of it and the uneven lose change distribution is bothering me as much as a hairpin turn to the left.

Sneezing has taken a whole new frightening meaning.  

But the good news is that there is improvement and this evening I actually stood up straight for the first time since last Thursday at 8:20 AM.

There is no way I am going near the dishwasher.  I mentioned that when I was preparing dinner for the troupes, but I'm not sure they are really understanding what I mean here.  It will be a warm day in March before I reach into that modern appliance again.  I stood next to the dishwasher this evening and I had to fight the urge to flee the room.   This is going to be interesting.

Face the Music Friday 1/29/10

Before I let you know how WELL I did this week, I'm going to tell you that yesterday I woke up feeling blissfully just a little bit sore from my awesome workout with the abdominally heavenly NEWT.  I was happy. Matt and Evan were at school, I had one more kid to deliver to his own school and then I was dedicating the whole morning to the gym.  I had an appointment set up with some trainer who was going to tell me the best way to eat, I was going to do some major cardio for an hour or so and then I was going to do my contest trainer hour long workout.  Being all happy and stuff because my sweet morning of gym bliss was about to be followed with an afternoon of making intaglio plates, I was raring to go and got Josh ready earlier than usual, so I decided to empty the dishwasher.  I did the glasses from the top shelf, and then I bent over to do the plates from below and I heard and felt a ka-thud, and that ka-thud came from my back, which much to the dismay of my own panicking heart, could no longer stand up straight.

 So, this is what I did yesterday after attempting to empty the dishwasher: drop josh off at school, go to chiro, limp back to bed, go to posh club just to get weighed for the contest, go to bed, get Josh from school, get a long overdue haircut, go back to bed, order take out for dinner, go back to chiro, go back to bed.

I.Can.Not.Get.A.Break, can I?????  Seriously, have you ever met someone who could not have a solid week without an injury, illness or tragedy like me?  I'm a freaking television show!  All I need is amnesia to complete the cycle.

Anyway, let's get down to the important details, it's Friday and that means I have to come clean about the efforts of my last week

Food: good and clean except for the one dinner of take out.  I had an allergic reaction.  I think I'm passing on the take out from now on.

Exercise: good except for the 3 days I had the stomach flu last weekend.  

Weight: DOWN SIX

Oh yeah!  I did the happy dance when I figured that one out.  

Printing: not so much, but between the flu and now my back, not possible.  My fingers are crossed for Sunday.

A secret about me .... This part is so hard because I am such an open book, I mean, DUH! I have a blog!  But here is something .... When I was 16 my parents wouldn't let me stay home for the summer and they sent me off on a teen tour.  I was miserable on that tour.  I was surrounded by spoiled bratty kids and I wanted to get sent home. There were two things that got you sent home from the tour immediately.  One was sex, which was not an option if you saw the half dozen pre-pubescent boys on the tour with me and the other was getting caught shop lifting.  Well, it turns out that I am a ridiculously good shoplifter.  I shoplifted my way across the first 10 states, sometimes even putting things in my purse as I chatted with the sales lady, and never got caught.  Eventually I was used the tour and befriended another not spoiled brat and stopped shoplifting, but having been such a good thief always stuck in the back of my mind.

untarnished baby smooth skin (not on me)

Can I tell you how adorable my new trainer is?  He's sooooo adorable, and you should note I say that in a totally not horny old lady way, but more in a "you could be my adorable long lost son that I gave up for adoption when I was a young person" way.  NEWT had me doing all these big lifting hoisting swinging movements with a big old dumb bell (is it still a dumb bell of it weighs 40 pounds?) and I asked NEWT if these moves I was doing were using core muscles, because I want a strong core, and he said they would. Then I asked him to show me his stomach and he pulled up his shirt and it was such a beautiful sight that my knees buckled a little and I said "I want that stomach" but in a totally not horny old lady way, and more in a "I wish I had an untarnished baby smooth skin rippling 8 pack stomach" way and I hope I don't get sued for sexual harassment.  

Then, after he pounded me into the ground (just the way I like to be trained),  I dragged myself over to the treadmill and HIIT trained for 20 minutes (run 1 minute walk 1 minute) during which I realized I have to increase my running speed over 5.5 mph, so I tried 5.7 and might have to go even higher next time.  I'm up against the front rail of the treadmill.   Also, I'm going to need some new sports bras for this.

Why I had to drag myself to the treadmill?  Guess whose battery operated smoke extinguisher (conveniently placed in the 14 foot high peak of my bedroom ceiling) started to beep every 90 seconds at 5:15 this morning, naturally the morning after this someone decided she was too melancholy to go to sleep the night before so she sat up way into Conan's late night repeat torturing herself looking at old photos of recently dead relatives.  By the way, my mom was seriously gorgeous when she was in her 20's.

3 reasons why today was awesome

First the gallery frame store guy told me that 3 people are interested in my photo, one of whom is a furniture store owner who saw the portfolio I left with the frame store gallery dude and she wants to decorate her whole store with my photos!  I have to give her a call and work out the details of who fronts the money for the framing ... so as psyched as I am, I'm not quite jumping up and down yet.  I'm only clapping quickly in front of my face- jumping with clapping comes after we seal the deal.

Then I went to the posh gym.  I asked a different trainer what to do to get past this plateau.  I asked my trainer how to get over this plateau.  I asked the nutritionist who talked to my group how to get over this plateau.  Then I decided to weigh myself on the posh gym scale, which is an accurate doctor's scale and I AM OVER my plateau!  

Later in the day I went to a meeting about helping with a mural that I got suckered into volunteering for.  When I walked in to the room I was greeted by the mural chair woman (who happens to be my locker buddy and has seen me naked)  who said to me "You look good!  You're smaller."  She was the first one to notice/say something (except for my kids, who get periodically asked "Does my belly look smaller?")

Food was good today. I ate a boat load of kale for the hopefully fibrous benefits of kale.  If the kale doesn't work you may be subjected to a TMI post tomorrow.  I will attempt to present the TMI in a light and humorous manner.  Exercise was an hour during contest training.  It was a solid hour, but less than my usual effort.  I'm going to go all out tomorrow when I meet with my private trainer. Then I'm going to get to work on those prints for my big show.

edible pits

I am healthy again.  I am not sure how I feel about how poorly I handled my little 2 day illness. I was really sick guys, and for the first 3/4 of being sick I just couldn't believe I was sick and from underneath the 4 layers of blankets I required to stop shivering I kept trying to figure out exactly what was going on in my head that was making me think I was sick.  But when I woke up today and I wasn't dizzy, nauseated, and had no muscle aches, and my eyes didn't feel like still warm hard boiled eggs in my eye sockets I realized that I had been legitimately sick and not hypochondriac sick, and then I felt really bad because I am the one person who is supposed to always do right by myself, and I hadn't "been there" for myself.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym, which is convenient since tomorrow is the contest trainer workout day.  Now I won't have to miss a day of the contest.  I sure I'll be 100% by tomorrow.

I think I mentioned that I agreed to hang another show in March.  The theme of my show is going to be WATER- or some more poetic way of saying WATER that I haven't come up with yet.  I have got to get working!!  I had my class today and I printed 4 transparencies to work from.  I'm a little nervous that my teacher insisted she knew the printer would print with only black ink because my photo was a black and white and didn't specifically tell the printer to use black ink only, like I do at home.  If she messed me up I might go to her Thursday class to reprint.  Probably, I'll be able to make at least one plate tomorrow and see how they come out, so cross your fingers for me.

Food was fine again today.  I am thinking about appetite versus hunger.  I have no appetite lately but do get hungry, so I eat when I'm hungry and then sometimes again when it's dinner time even though I'm not hungry and have no appetite (no idea where appetite went but hope it stays away for a long long time).  In the end I'm eating a fair (1,200-1,500) amount of calories, even though sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry, but not being particularly connected to the what I need when I need it in regards to the food part of myself,  I can't figure what the heck is going on here.  I wish I had a healthy relationship with food.

I took Josh to Whole Foods today and he asked me to buy the kind of olives that you can eat the pits.  I gave him a funny look, and he explained that the olives with the red pits that you can eat are the ones he wanted.  ???  PIMENTOS!  I love that kid.

no one but the dog will hear

First, I'd like to tell all of the people who are stopping by via the perfect 10 challenge how much I appreciate your comments.  I tell myself that I don't need the comments, but gosh does it feel great to get them!  I've been trying to comment on other people's blogs too, but I am afraid I find myself speechless most of the time.  Socially awkward?  Yup, especially in print.

In the mean time, I'm sick.  It came on me yesterday (no surprise, considering how much stress I carried from last weekend) and it's all about stomach issues, which seem to be my new achilles heel. I spent half the day in bed yesterday, which is totally unlike me, after boring myself to pieces with television I started to take the tests in the Paul Chek book I'm trying to read.  I was in the moderate range with all of his quiz results except for the one quiz for parasites, I was in the top of highest level on that test, which is no surprise.  

Parasites can really mess you up, and probably anyone with weight issues like mine and allergy issues like mine has some serious parasitic imbalance going on.  So, the question that needs to be answered is, "What to do about parasites?"  Parasites thrive on sugars, so obviously cutting those out of my diet is without question.  Now, I have been sugar, grain and potato free for a couple of weeks, and that leaves fruit, which I crave like mad, so likely that is the only thing that is feeding those fat inducing buggers right now.  I want to cry thinking about not eating fruit, even if it is for a short trial, because I still get that nurture thing from fruit, only these days I am looking for the nurture from an apple instead of a whole carton of sorbet, but still, fruit has gotta go.  The other plan of action I am going to take is to start eating copious amounts of raw garlic.  This is where he internet comes in handy, I might offend all of stepford, but my internet friends will be safely out of range of my garlic breath/sweat zone. I know I am going to stink like a big walking talking sausage.  Only fresh garlic really works for this, so deodorized tablets are not an option.   Third line of defense: healthy bacteria. I'm dashing into whole foods between waves of nausea today and grabbing a nice fresh bottle.  I have to recolonize my gut.

Being sick has been a real mind f*ck.  I keep asking myself if I am really sick or not.  Like I am hallucinating the nausea, the burning eye balls, chills and body aches.  I know right?  I keep asking myself if maybe a run on the treadmill won't make me feel better, despite the fact that I am unsteady on my feet hobbling 10 feet to the bathroom.  I look down at my newly muscled legs and worry that they are going to go back to being pure jelly if I don't grab a kettle bell and do some quick squats.  Also, lying in bed all day, even though I adore my bed and find it the most comfortablest bed in the world, makes my back ache.  But if I am downstairs with the family I feel the need to do things.  Blech.  I don't have time to be sick!!!

At least the husband is offering to take the kids to a movie today, so I can whine out loud for a couple of hours and no one but the dog will hear.

Face the Music Friday 1/22/10

I think I might have lost a pound this week.  It's tough to tell on my old fashioned scale with a needle that goes around in a circle.  I'd get a digital scale if I didn't think I'd go totally over the top with it.  I can see myself weighing in before and after my morning pee just to see how much my bladder holds.  Believe me, I would!  I had to give up wearing a digital watch back when digital watches were still in style, and get a watch that didn't even have minute marks because I drove myself batty timing everything right down to the second with that digital watch.  

So to sum up this week:

Food: great, kept it real, healthy, and not excessive

Exercise: awesome, I worked out 6/7 days.

weight loss: maybe 1 pound this week.  Trying not to be too down about it.

and my not weight loss related goal of printing: I did some test plates, figured out a good exposure for my light unit and then couldn't print because of printer trouble. Monday, at my class,  I hope to print some transparencies to work off of next week.

Secret:  These are tough because I am pretty much an open book type of person, but for those of you who are new here, my favorite secret, which isn't really a secret, but more of a great story with which to entertain people,  about myself is that I WAS BIT BY A SHARK WHEN I WAS 8.

In other news: Went to the chiro today who had to"work" every kind of stress point I have and I told him I didn't realize I was so delicate and he told me that I wasn't so delicate it was just that I had so much dumped on my plate.  He also said that he had people who showed up in worse condition than me because they had to drive a car pool and make dinner for their kids.  I felt better.  But not as better as I am going to feel when I finally start losing again.  Which the chiro reassured me would happen as soon as my body got rid of all the stress hormone from last weekend.  I'm waiting!!  Maybe I'll meditate it out of me.  Except if I close my eyes, I am sawing wood.  I can not stay awake if my eyes are closed.

I did ride the expresso bike at the posh gym, and I think I figured out just how to set the seat for lowest level of vajayjay discomfort.  I did a ride called OH MAMA and it was a major hilly ride.  I did not shout out "Oh Mama!" during the ride but there were a couple of inclines that were so steep that I was inspired to lady like grunt just a wee bit.   Oh, get real, I didn't hold back, I was all "AAARRGGHHHH!!!!" every time one of those inclines hit.  I wish someone could video the other people responding to my sounds, this really isn't the grunting kind of gym.  I get a secret thrill over making uptight people (I imagine a good deal of the posh club members are) uncomfortable.  I need more hobbies.  Also, take this one to heart people, learn from my mistakes.  It is NOT a good idea to eat thyme-garlic roasted shrimp and a kiwi for breakfast if you are going straight to the gym for a nice HIIT workout.

I ate well today even though I ate out for lunch with my babes.  It's 4 o'clock and I am in 800 calories for the day.   I have a steak sitting in the fridge that will be my yummy yummy dinner, (with plenty of cortisol purging vegetables) and I decided not to care about how many calories that steak is. I am going to take the advice of Greta of BigBottomBlogger and shake up the amount of calories I eat every day (within reason!).  Today can be a higher calorie day.   

So, remember how I have a family and everything can sometimes not be all about me?  And the kids in my family are all so perfect and adorable?  Well, my perfect son Josh faked a stomach ache to stay home from school yesterday.  I knew he was faking, but my gut said that something else was going on, so I let him stay home and I got it out of him what is bothering him.  My poor sweet baby is having anxiety over the NJ ASK standardized tests that he is going to have to take in May.  Stomach ache anxiety and the test is 5 months away!!   I convinced my poor sweet 8 year old how insignificant that test is and then I emailed his teacher and warned him incase Josh decides to share that news with the rest of the class.  

Also, I am thrilled to say that thanks to some sharp powers of persuasion on the part of wildmom's kid Evan is going to a middle school dance tonight.  I'm thrilled!  I won't even have to pry Evan's fingers off of the door jamb to make him leave either, because wildmom is going to be in charge of the drop off and I'l do the pick up.  I have high hopes that there will be some dance rehashing conversation in the car on the way home and I can catch some of the details without having to call the parent of a daughter.

feeling down wishing I was down

Food: Check.

Exercise: Check.

Weight loss: NONE.  ZIP.  ZERO.  NADA.

I know I said I wasn't going to weigh myself today but I did.  At the posh gym.  For the contest.  Because my contest trainer asked me to.  And I lost NOTHING from last week.  However, the lame ladies (and I never mentioned there is a disabled dude who is totally dependent on a cane on my team too)  lost 15 pounds WITHOUT MY CONTRIBUTION.  How crappy do I feel?  Can life be any less fair?  Can the goddess of weight loss please allow me to lose, like, 10 pounds next week?  

Folks, I haven't had more than 1,300 calories any day since December.  I missed one day of exercise and that's because I only had 3 hours of sleep the day I flew down to Florida for my parent's double unveiling.  ??????????????????

WT-Fing-F?  If I don't drop some serious weight over the weekend I am going to hire every nutritionist until I fix this.  I considered stopping by my hypothyroid friend's house and lifting some of her synthroid but I figured she'd notice and then I'd have to explain.  She'd probably understand, but just in case, I didn't.

I'm too upset to tell you how much my butt hurts from yesterday's NEWT workout or how I was dead tired today and intervalled on the treadmill anyway because I told you guys I would get on that treadmill today when I posted last night.  So, to stay honest, I will tell you that all I want to do tomorrow is the expresso bike (a good long ride) and no lifting, but maybe some stretching of my excruciating gluteous maximus.  Also, I am starting to pine away for the sauna, so I think I'll enjoy it tomorrow.  I believe the last time I was ill afterwards it because I was coming down with a stomach thing.  I hope.  The sauna is supposed to raise your metabolism.

growing some

I almost fainted when sparkspeople said I had eaten 2,300 calories today and then I saw that I accidentally put in eating a whole cup of almond butter instead of two tablespoons.  Whew.  Back to the safety zone!  I think today for the first time I feel like my jelly roll belly might not be as big as usual.  I've noticed some roominess in my pants legs, but not in the waist until today.  Also, not in the mirror.  Also, not entirely on the scale this week.  I am NOT going to weigh myself tomorrow.  I'm waiting 'til Friday, which is my official weigh in day.  I'm waiting for Friday for the contest weigh in too.  I want to sync my scale days up.  I gotta stop weighing myself every day.  I'm driving myself nuts.

I'm struggling with this feeling of exhaustion that hit me just as I got off of the plane Monday.  I'm still exhausted.  I'm sure it's emotional.   I can barely keep my eyes open.  I didn't think yesterday's workout was so tough until I woke this morning and felt my abs.  The workout was more thorough than I thought.   I had a killer workout today with my new trainer (How does NEWT work for a name for him?  Get it?  NEW T-rainer?) and then I struggled to make it 45 minutes on the easy elliptical.  The tougher ellipticals were all being used, and in the end it was a good thing because holy cow, I was running on empty.  Speaking of running, I think tomorrow I am going to run after the contest trainer work out with my lame-o group.  Seriously, I am biting my tongue with these ladies, I hope I can paste that smile on and keep it up.  I hope they grew some balls since Tuesday.