clickmom

she done me wrong

Remember those two photos that won awards in that juried show?  (I AM PISSED) Well, the deal with that show was that it would hang in the arts center for a month and then go on to hang in a children's hospital (where I hear things tend to sell)  for 2 more months.  The show was moved last weekend and I got an email from my friend John saying that he had one of my photos because there were too many photos for the hospital. WTF????

So the (I am shaking I am SO ANGRY) woman (photographer who I suspected but am now certain does not like me for some reason which is a mystery to me) who organized this show, (but was not part of the sharp intelligent jury with all the good taste in photos for this show) and told the crowd over and over again that she did not agree with the evaluations of the jurors of this show, had to exclude some of the photos from the hospital show and she chose one of mine to leave out.  YES. She chose one of my award winning (according to the IMPARTIAL judges) photos.  HE-fucking-LLO?????

I'm thinking of sending off an email but I need to be cool calm and collected first.

My jelly rolls

I'm pretty sure I look exactly the same as I did last week. 

 I did conquer day one of week three of my new favorite couch to 5k iPhone app. My foot/ankle is kind of killing me (DAMNED POT HOLE!!!!) so I opted to run on the track instead of on the street with the devil.  The devil saw me getting my sneaks on this AM and she went into full throttle "I wanna go with you" whine mode, so I leashed her up and sent the husband out to walk her.  Then I drove away to the track in peace.  That was nice. Also, this morning I said I was going running and the earth did not stand still, so I guess I can just say out loud what I need.  Who knew?  I mean, really!

The truth about running on the track is that it is so much easier than street running.  There are no uphills, there is no ankle aching slant for water run off to the track, no devil dog is yanking on the leash, and best of all it's kind of private.  I don't like thinking people are watching me as they drive by.  I'm much more comfortable being alone on the track.  I found my pace today and the truth s that I could have probably just run the whole thing if it weren't for my !@#$%  ankle.  But, I'm really happy about running, and like I promised myself, this week I will be getting back to the gym.  Only it will be the new gym in an attempt to acclimate myself to it.  It has a steam room and a sauna and I'm telling myself that the steam room is goign to be a good thing. We'll see.

took a chill pill

Oh man, (<- showing my age, the bees knees are next) I think some of you read the whole entire post from yesterday.  I have the best readers.  

I found some relief from my post holiday hissy fit in the form of (potato vodka) leaving the house.  Which was incredibly delightful after the past few weeks of house boundedness.  The people I graduated high school with have these informal get togethers once in a while (made infinitely easier with the advent of social networking web sites) and there was a get together scheduled for last night.  I was on the fence for a while. I wanted to go despite feeling bad about my weight and I didn't want to go thinking that maybe for the next get together I might be down a few pounds.  Honestly, I am trying very hard to just push the whole weight thing out of my consciousness.  I'd like to enjoy what ever comes along without having my weight be forefront in my experience.   I hoped that some of the few high school classmates I loved and cared about from our tremendous class of almost 750 graduating seniors would show up and not the majority of the high school classmates who I managed to never even register in my years of high school.

Only 9 people had confirmed going to the mini reunion on face book (and I hadn't a cue who some of them where) but about 25 (one of which was myself) people had rsvp'ed as a maybe.  I was counting on a couple of the maybe people showing up. You know what happened?  I walked in and there were three guys sitting there.  One was the super nice guy that I didn't really know in HS who coordinated the whole thing and one was Brian, who was a very lovable goofy geek kind of kid in HS and one was Brian's boyfriend.  The three of us chatted (Poor Brian's boyfriend sat in silence for the whole time while we talked exclusively about HS memories) for about an hour when a guy came in who was not in my graduating class, but one of the 750 or so kids who graduated the following year.  He sat next to me and he was a total experience.

Did you ever meet someone who you feel like you know how they work after only one evening and a couple of drinks?  This dude was that type.  He came in all excited and chatty and he was funny as hell. So we all started laughing and it was great to have the guy there.  Then a few more people drifted in (one from my year two from the year later) and they brought co-workers or friends and we did that party thing where little conversations break out and the big group sub divides. But I was hooked on the transparent guy sitting next to me.  He held nothing back.  He was funny, yes, but out came every detail of his life, all of his hang ups and his personal philosophy ...everything.  I just listened.  It was amazing to observe this boundary-less guy just relaxing among safe people and exposing himself.  I woke up this morning and friended him on facebook first thing!  Also, because he swore he was not the kind of facebooker that logged on to let the world know his dog had a BM.  And, while his openness intrigues me I do appreciate less openess if it involves bodily functions.

I learned some new things last night.  During that first hour I discovered that I am not the only one who thought high school was a completely safe and relatively benign experience.  My first two early arriving classmates agreed with me, so that means either they were as socially clueless as I suspect I may have been or my high school was as incredibly awesome to the other people as I experienced it to be.  I also learned that in the 80's it was apparently an acceptable and common thing for high school aged boys to experiment with boys.  I totally missed that kind of thing going on in the 80's.  Kind of boggles my mind.  I learned that I was not the only one who didn't get high or drink on the field where kids hung out during school.  I learned that the girl I thought was tripping everyday on the subway going home from school was just kind of weird.

By the end of the evening I was renewed and refreshed. I volunteered to be the president of Brian's fan club, since I caught him staring at me three times during the evening and each time he said with wonder and awe "You look exactly the same." and best of all , my phone rang today and it was my camp friends who want to get together next weekend for some drinks and dinner.  Woo Hoo!  I'm back!

well that sucked

I'm trying my hardest to get in the thankful mood but I just can't summon it.  Sorry.  It just wasn't my kind of Thanksgiving.  For the last 20 or so years I have been jamming as many friends and family as possible into what ever space I lived in, including our 600 square foot low ceilinged basement apartment, and that is plain and simple the kind of holiday I like.

I have this general hang up about not being appreciated by my family, so when I decided to make some home made chopped liver (grandma's recipe) for the family to snack on in the evening and the husband told me 5 times how he was having traumatic flashbacks to his youth when his mother tried to make him eat calves liver and onions and thought he might throw up from the scent of liver I almost had to stab him with a knife.  Seriously, how much does a girl have to put up with?

Since this year was going to be different anyway, I decided to go with the afternoon feast instead of my usual dinner time feast.  Which went fine, because since we were only 5 this year, I only cooked enough for 12, so the whole meal was really low stress and relatively simple in comparison to when we are 23 and I cook for 45, but the natural light while eating totally threw me off.  Seriously, I kept looking at the husband who had a stream of light on the side of his face and finally I asked him he'd like me to pull the shade down.  Certainly having sun on his face was freaking him out too.  But it wasn't.  I don't think we ate as much as usual and since the husband thinks he is coming down with something too there was no drinking.  I should have drank alone.

I spent much of the morning resenting being in the kitchen alone while the rest of the family sat on their bums watching tv.  In my pre-plague plan Pal was going to come over early and hang and help me in the kitchen while the rest of the people sat on their bums and did nothing.  I know I suffer silently every year , so this year I made a plan.  So much for my plan.

FInally I couldn't take my boiling rage of resentment anymore and I commanded the husband to take Josh outside and throw a football because that's real what men do on Thanksgiving, right?  Evan heard football, and being on the mend he leapt out of his chair and into some clothes to join in on the toss.  Matt gave me the "I don't participate in violent or any other sports" look, so I gave him the option of keeping me company.  This was the first time he admitted to not feeling well so I told him to pull up a chair and just chat with me.  When the footballers came back in the house 7 minutes later Matt scrambled back to his matt cave and we didn't see him again until almost time to eat.

Still wanting to feel like I wasn't the only one making the holiday effort, I asked told the husband that it would be his job to do the dishes after we ate.  He grumpily under his breath made some kind of man noise that in the least made me know that he heard me and possibly, agreed with my plan.  Until dinner was over and Matt confessed to not feeling well and then the husband announced that he was feeling gastronomically ill, and in the end I washed all the dishes, pots and pans, and stored all the left overs in the fridge by myself.  At that point it was good thing no one tapped me on the shoulder.  I might have said something I regretted.

Before the death of my family tree after dinner would be the time that I would plead with my mother and grandmother to not to try to clean up before I was finished relaxing at the table after preparing the entire meal by myself.  I was missing grandma yesterday.

Because we ate so early and because there was nothing but tv and computers all.day.long, the day felt like it lasted for 72 hours.  I haven't felt a day that long since I was 12.   Seriously, I almost put Josh to bed at 5:30 and in my head I prayed for the end of the day just to get it over with.  Next year they better be healthy. 

Today, with Matt fevered and down the husband still in the bathroom (it has nothing to do with my fest either!) and Evan still coughing up a lung now and then we didn't do anything either.   I've got my fingers crossed for Monday.

Now I am going to get over myself, paste on a smile and serve up the sumptuous brisket I just made for the ungrateful boobs I live with.  Have a nice weekend!

Round 4

Matt has 100.5. Here we go again!

I've wanted to say "I'm thankful no one died this week." all day

 

Plague holiday

holiday quarantine gripe

So, with the intent of being a more flexible person, and since I am now (due to freaking PIG FLU in my innocent baby) forced into altering our long standing Thanksgiving Day tradition of coercing everyone I am related to and also happen to even casually know for more than a day (or an hour) to come to my house and eat my food, I'm actually considering that since everything I normally do is out the window, (F U PIG FLU!) that maybe just maybe I'll completely throw all tradition out the window and serve our mini 5 person feast as a late lunch instead of the standard dinner time that I usually present.  (Jeez, that can not possibly be one sentence.)

But you know what?  Flexible! On day 4 of the quarantine I DON'T CARE ABOUT GRAMMAR!  I left my fevered baby on the couch today (down to 99.9!) while I snuck out of the house to do my mini holiday grocery shopping while the other two were still in school.  Normally, I'd have to take a kid or two with me for the holiday shopping because I would have more than one cart.  Today?  Half a cart, AND I even got food to bring us into the weekend.  sigh. Instead of torturing my family with turkey for three days straight, I figure I'll make them really happy and toss a delicious brisket in the oven on Friday and they can eat that with stuffing or marshmallow sweet potato or pecan pie.  Flexible! Also, since it's just the nuclear family, I am making brussel sprouts because I LIKE them.  HA!  

You should know that in previous years it was necessary for me to get two turkeys, this year?  An adorable little 11 pound football of a turkey.  Seriously, I could tuck the thing under my arm and run a touchdown with it (except for the part where all the blood is still kind of forming in my wee little turkey's plastic wrap).  But I won't. I'll brine it, and if the husband comes through for Evan tonight, he'll be arriving home from work with a turkey deep fryer on his passenger seat because Evan is beside himself in unhappiness that he won't get to dive into his Uncle's tasty deep fried turkey while under quarantine.   

 I can not possibly do an accurate Renaissance Wench impression tearing into the leg of a cute little mini turkey!  Flexible!  Right.  I'm going to eat in moderation tomorrow!  It's a good thing.

again

As if it wasn't bad enough that this is the first holiday that I am the oldest generation of my own family.  As if it wasn't bad enough that for this holiday I don't have a parent left.  As if....

Ev is sick again.  It came over him suddenly Sunday night.  His temperature is still 103.  I took him to the real doctor today.  He said he thinks it is SWINE this time.  What Ev had two weeks ago?  Who knows.  Doc said NO TRAVELING (goodbye Utopia!!) and that Ev would be contagious for a couple of more days (so long guests!) and now instead of our small and cozy (I kept telling myself that a smallish thanksgiving was going to be just fine)  only a few friends and the husband's big bro and wife Thanksgiving it is going to be the five of us and a tiny little baby turkey.  The worst part of Thanksgiving for 5?  How to justify sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and two kinds of stuffing for 5 people (One of whom has not really had solid food since Sunday).  Also, It's hard to get that pie variety going when only 4 of us can eat pie to begin with.  sigh.

Now to paste on a big smile and fake it 'til I feel it.

letter I wrote and sent off to my very first photo teacher

Dear Zeke,

Not sure if you remember me, but you were my teacher in photo 1 and 2 at Ithaca College back in 1984 when the other teacher was on Sabbatical.   I didn't sign up for photo 1 before the class was full and came to you in your office to beg you to let me add the class.  You told me to come to the first class and if I still wanted to add the class afterwards you guaranteed that 3 people would drop the class and there would be room for me.  I came to that class where you told us students how many hours we'd have to spend photographing and then in the lab developing and printing our photos.  As you predicted, three people ran to you with drop forms after the class and I approached you still trying to add the class.  You turned to me and asked "You still want to add this class?" and I told you I wasn't afraid of a little hard work.

Two weeks later I declared myself a photography major and never looked back.

Every week I came to you during your office hours with every contact sheet for every assignment and you and I would carefully go over my photos.  In your office and through your words I experienced something I never knew before.  You were patient with me, interested in my point of view and thoughtful in your comments.  You respected my perspective and creativity.  I was devastated when I realized you were only at my college temporarily.  After you left I never made the same connection with the other professors that I studied with, but the new found confidence you bestowed on me pulled me through.

I've had many jobs since college, and even did a stint as a teacher in the 90's.  As an ex-teacher I know that I hope that something I said or did with my students will stay them and help them believe in themselves or help them through some tough times, so I just wanted to let you know that you were that person/teacher for me.

I'm still a photographer.  I've been a photojournalist for the last 6 years, and am right now reaching back to my first love of landscape.  I've got some work up in a gallery and just won awards of merit for some recent work in a juried show.

Anyway,
Thanks Zeke,
You made me a stronger woman,
and helped me believe in myself.