The first anniversary of my mother's death is coming up. I am completely in a funk.
Here is my take on death and it's effect on me.
Someone with whom I have a less than satisfying relationship (hello, mom) dies and I struggle with the fact that now I will never have a mother who shows me love and my kids will never have a grandmother that does the things that I think grandmothers should do. It sucks and I can't move on.
Someone who always "got me" and loved me with all her heart (hello, grandma) and also tried to the point of being ridiculously pathetic to do sweet things for my kids, dies and I sit around missing her terribly, my heart totally aches from it all, but it isn't the same kind of emotional torture (for me at least) as losing the someone who never gave me what I wanted and needed.
This weekend there was a special service at synagogue that I should have gone to for my mother, but I just couldn't bring myself to sit there and cry my eyes on front of everyone.
Next Sunday I have to light a memorial (Yohrzeit) candle for my mom, and the thought of it is bringing back a boat load of last summer's agony when I came back from mom's funeral, got Matt and Ev off to camp and slept walked through the rest of the summer like the zombie that I was, right up until grandma died in August.
Damn. This sucks, and my eyes are swollen shut from all the crying.
Not to be cliche but to me - my grief reminds me of when you sit in the sand by the ocean... one minute the wave hits me and I feel it pulling me down and at the last second it releases and I find my way to the top but just when I get comfortable the next wave comes and BAM I am getting pulled back in - but again I make it to the surface and then I get comfortable and the next wave comes and BAM I am getting pulled back ....................
Posted by: lilsis | June 02, 2009 at 08:09 AM