On my journey up and down the scale, I think of my weight in decades. Every ten pounds represents another decade, and naturally, time and time again, I welcome with delight the new decades on the way down and sneer in disgust as the decades mount on my way up back up the scale. Some decades slide by, wether it is up or down, without too much fanfare, but other decades somehow seem more meaningful more symbolic, more emotionally challenging. It doesn't have anything to do with round numbers, or where I was before or after kids, (since I never saw my pre-pre-pre-pregnancy weight in the 16 (plus 9 months) years since before Matt anyway) or even where I was at some other point in my life, because to be honest, my weight has fluctuated at such a rapid speed up and down and up and down and up the last 10 years or so that I couldn't keep track of what I weighed when without some sort of complex kind of graphing software. Or maybe I just don't want to remind myself of the ups, and how they out number the downs as far as time spent at that particular weight (or pant size) goes.
I've been on a down trend lately, and I was just on the cusp of a new decade, and it happens to be one of those more noticeable decades. For some reason this was a scary decade. I think maybe because in this decade there is a noticeable change in my face fat. My features become much less bloated from here on in. So scary, was the prospect of dipping into this particular weight decade, that I ended up bingeing first on corn chips and then granola bars last weekend.
So I sat down and I asked myself WHY??
********This is the part where you can either pull up a chair and commit to the long haul or click over to gofugyourself and enjoy something lighter and maybe more uplifting. (If to you uplifting means making fun of fashion challenged celebrities- which it totally does to me.) *****************
And I came up with a whole potpourri of triggers that happened the week before the weekend binge. Honestly, I don't think one outweighs the other, I think I was set up by the powers that be and I succumbed. What is important for you to know here, before I even begin, is that I am back on the wagon.
First thing I paused and took notice of one day last week was my apparant lack of invisibility. I'm not even sure what day it was, but one day last week I felt like where ever I went people asked me if they could help me and store employees acknowledged me and even cars stopped when I needed to turn left and waved me right on through. Now, one who does not have a weight problem might assume that as a larger than life person I would be even more visible than most, but oddly enough it is the opposite that is true. As a larger than life person there are certain situations where I barely exist at all. And I take great comfort in the invisibility of obesity.
My first attraction to invisibility came as a senior in high school when I got my first ever knee length coat. I could hide the pounds I was putting on while all stressed out over the whole applying for college debacle that would end up in the unfortunate and bizarre story of me, nice jewish girl from NYC spending my freshman year at Georgia Tech, of all places. I shiver from the memories. What a trip that was. shiver.
Then I came home to NYC (dropped out, but just temporarily) and discovered the art of dressing head to toe in black. As a kid my mother wouldn't let me have black clothes because she thought they were too dreary, but as a drop out I was in charge of my wardrobe. Between my long coat and my invisibility black clothes I was in heaven.
So, anyway, this one day people were greeting me left and right and I felt (totally altogether naked) like I had this big old aura (exposed) and it scared the shit out of me. Seriously. I wasn't prepared for it. So I sucked that aura right back in (it's gone like the wind) and now it's a teeny tiny (easy to ignore) aura and to prove it just today I pulled right out of a gas station (indignant!) when the emo teenager pumping gas didn't at least make eye contact with me to let me know he'd be right with me while he took his sweet time filling up Mr. Mercedes Benz/stupid looking overpriced sun glasses. My relief in being invisible again was palpable.
I got an expresso at the Bucks and the lid was covered in sugary sweetness. Instead of removing the sugar coated lid I licked the lid until every last drop of sweetness was on my tongue and the lid just tasted like plastic again. Addicted much? Who me?
Then it was the (hooray!) last day of religious school and I was so relieved and happy, but sad because I Luh-OVED my students, and I wish I could hang out and enjoy them (you know, once a week but on my weekends which I totally have to reclaim as ME time) without having to prepare lessons for them or be responsible for cultivating their brilliant minds. And I brought some snacks for my kids because it was the last day and the other 2nd grade class, which I will not miss in the least, ended up joining us for the "party", and I wasn't too thrilled about that.
Then the religious school director announced to the congregation that me and the other volunteers who were not coming back next year were only taking a year off and would be back after that. And I was like WHOA THERE NELLIE! (on the inside) and I just sat there grinning and trying to force a smile when all I wanted to do was bitch slap her. After services the rabbi herself came up to me to persuade me that I should come back and teach again, and really, of all people, the rabbi knew my parents and she even did the ceremony at grandma's funeral, so if anyone on this planet knows I need a break I would think it was her, but NO, as usual I am the only one looking out for my best interests and it KILLS me to say NO, but finally in my life I summoned up the courage to do it over and over this spring and dammit! Leave me alone with my non-volunteering self people! I hate the pressure. Hate hate hate it.
In there was a whole lot of deep fried corn chips.
Then I tossed the kids into the truck and we headed of to utopia. And when I got there I was totally exhausted. And the husband had forgotten to get some OJ for the kids , but he did manage to get the party sized bag of fritos, and friends, if I ever had to order myself a last meal, fritos would be the appetizer and the dessert. I was all over that big 3 pound bag of fritos. And then, you know the rest, there was a soda (my personal biggest red flag of binge indicating doom), and granola bars, and even a juice box from the kid's lunch stash.
Then I got all passive aggressive angry when the husband slept in on Sunday and I did some around the house chores that would have technically been much easier with help, but in reality were probably easier for me to do alone, as I wanted them done, to my (anal retentive) high standards, but that did not stop me from being hostile towards the unsuspecting husband when I went back upstairs and found him lying in bed watching television while I had done all the heavy lifting by myself.
It wasn't pretty.
So then I went to therapy on Tuesday and I told my new new undead therapist about the bingeing and the triggers and he said "Why didn't you call me?" and I said that I didn't know I could call him for that and he said that if it happened again I should.
And that just blew my mind.
PS It looks like the whole frito/granola bar binge thing caused a short term water retention issue, and this morning, with all that behind me, I was -2 into the new scary decade. I'm okay with it now. Really, I think I am.
I understand the invisible stuff very well. Felt like I was looking in a dang mirror! Scary.
Posted by: Molly | May 20, 2009 at 11:10 PM
You can call me too, or text me, I've given you my number like
a bilion times.
I want to go to utopia.
Posted by: danelle | May 21, 2009 at 09:59 AM
I get that invisibility is comfortable. But you do so many other things that are out of your comfort zone that completely amaze me. You're always pushing yourself. You deserve to be seen and not be invisible.I know it's hard. You can do this!!! One step at a time.
Posted by: Laura | May 21, 2009 at 11:29 AM